This is the Journey God Chose

I Could be a Duggar

2012-01-31T09:53:00.002-06:00

I would like to start with a disclaimer that we are NOT trying to get pregnant :)

I find myself daily craving to be pregnant again. I crave to feel that kick and to see that beatiful tiny face as it comes out. I crave to breastfeed. I crave to lay with that precious itty bitty tiny baby on my chest. I crave to feel that overwhelming sense of love for another human being. I crave to get to know another soul. I crave to see that first smile. I crave to have a singleton pregnancy. I even crave the sleepless nights. I miss our boys little grunts at 2am.

Being a mom has to be one of the most amazing feelings in the entire world. I now get how the Duggars want to do it over and over again. Now, our financial situation would not allow for 20 kids, but if it did I think I would at least have 4. I have no fear that I could not love another baby as much as the boys. I know I could. I think a big family would be so fun. So much love to go around. To see siblings interact is just something that is one of God's great creations.

In the same craving is also fear. It took us 3 years 2months and IVF to get pregnant and have these boys. We did 2 rounds of Clomid, 4 rounds of Femara, 3 IUI's, laproscopy, daily temping, monthly opks, and a miscarriage that I will never forget. The thought of making the decision to try for another baby scares me. I feel like my life is finally back to normal. I can diet, exercise and have a glass of wine whenever I want without the fear of ruining my fertility. I don't want to ever fall back in to that stage of my life. It was a more depressing state than most of you know. Is it possible (if that decision is ever made to have another) to not care whether it happens or not? I have said that I would go through it all over again knowing the end results. I still feel that way as far as the boys are concerned. But now I have them. We have two beautiful healthy boys. Will it be enough? Or will there always be that void in my heart? Once again, being an infertile is just not fair. The innocence has been stripped away!

Do You Know How Lucky You Are

2012-01-26T07:59:00.001-06:00

I started this morning thinking I was going to write a blog today about the boys 7th month of life, but as I was catching up on blogs I ran across one of a lady who had lost her 28 day old baby to Leukemia. So it brings me to the question, do you know how lucky you are?

I see so many times a mother or father yelling at their kids. Saying things to them that is so inappropriate or heartbreaking. Trust me I get how trying having children can be. Remember I have twins. I have nights where they wake up 7 times and all they want is a paci back in their mouth. I have times where they won’t go back to sleep so I wind up with two kids in my bed. One of which now loves to pull my hair. I have to sleep a certain uncomfortable way just so I can keep my hands on them to know they are staying put. They never take naps at the same time anymore. I have times where they are both screaming and I can only sooth one at a time. I have been taking off at least once a week because one of them is sick. Which in turns means I had to turn down my 30th birthday trip with my friends to Costa Rica. We never have money to do anything. I’ve only slept a full 8 hrs twice since I was 6 weeks pregnant. We’re constantly at the store buying diapers, formula or baby food. Our house never gets cleaned because there isn’t time or their toys have just plain taken over.

You know what I constantly think though? I would rather have all of that than the alternative. There are not many hours in my day when I don’t think of how incredibly blessed and fortunate I am to have those boys. I don’t think people realize this enough. They take for granted what a blessing and miracle children are and how quickly they can be taken away from you. I don’t know if I have this greater appreciation because of all we went through to have them, but what I do know is that I would go through the pain all over again to be able to have this deep love and overwhelming sense of thankfulness everyday for what we have been blessed with. I can’t understand how some people don’t feel this.

It really is amazing the amount of love you can have for another human being. I can’t even explain it. Thank you Lord for these two incredible miracles you have brought in to our lives. I vow to never take them for granted!

Again....Really????

2012-01-09T20:00:00.003-06:00

The first day I dropped the boys off at daycare was an extremly difficult day. Not only did I not want anyone else caring for my children, I just didn't know these people from Adam. I cried for a good month leading up to that first day and continued for a good week, with the occasional cry on days that I just really missed them and hated that someone else was getting to enjoy them. I have to say though that I fell in love with the ladies that were caring for them. I can honestly say that they truly love our boys. And although it was never easy to not be the one with them I couldn't have picked better people. But that has come to an end. Our daycare is closing and we had to find a new one. Most of you know how difficult it is to get in to a good daycare, let alone get two babies in to a good daycare. Only by the Grace of God did we find one so quick. But with a new daycare comes my anxiety about leaving them all over again. I ~~cried~~ bawled Sunday. I somehow feel like I am neglecting my children by taking them somewhere new again. Somewhere where we don't have the slightest clue who these people are. They don't know our babies. They don't know when they eat or how they act. Will they adjust to these new people? Will these people love them as much as the other teachers did? I now am starting to understand what my mom is talking about when she says you will be crying for the rest of your life. I love those boys more than I could ever express and I just want them to be safe and taken care of. I absolutely hate that I am not the one to do it, but it's just not feasable for us. So I want the next best thing. (you know because no one is as good as mommy)They were suppose to start today, but Brody must have been looking out for his mommas heart because he started running a fever of 101.4 yesterday and it still hasn't broke. So I guess that stupid new daycare will just have to wait and momma will be the one to take care of her boys! Only if it is for a couple extra days it makes me the happiest mommy in the world.

I finally uploaded some pics from my camera so here is just a bunch of random ones. Oh and I'm pretty sure Beckham will be crawling in the next two weeks. He can now get up on all fours and rock. Brody is still just pretty lazy and content laying on his belly.

Studs

Hmmm carrots

First pic with Santa

Mommas big boys

Here bubba I'll help

Put me in coach

Ehh I'll be interested someday

Happy New Year

2012-01-05T12:22:00.001-06:00

I have to say, I am quite glad that the new year is starting. 2011 was one of the best and worst years of my life. Obviously the boys are the best part of that. The worst part is personal and something I don't choose to share on my blog, but definitely need prayers about.

Ok obviously I'd much rather discuss the good in 2011. I got to experience what it was finally like to be pregnant, I got to learn I was having twins, I got to feel them kick and hiccup, I got to see them grow from a little peanut to actual human beings, I got to give birth (kinda), I got to see their beautiful faces for the first time, I got to hold them, I got to kiss them, I got to breastfeed them, I got to spend 11 wks at home with them, I got to cry because I actually had babies to leave at daycare, I got to watch them take their first bottle, I got to watch them eat their first foods, I got to watch them roll over, I got to watch them sit up, I got to hear the most amazing word "momma", I got to be a MOM!

I hope someday these boys will know how much I love and cherish them. They have made my life so rich. Although 2011 was good (because of them) I'm looking forward to 2012. A fresh look on life and watching my boys grow more and more. Crazy to think this time next year they will be walking and somewhat communicating. I'm so excited for my journey with them.

Happy 6 Months

2011-12-21T08:14:00.001-06:00

I cannot believe the boys are ½ a year old. I mean really, where did the time go? They are getting so much personality and really growing in to their own ways. The fun is really beginning.

Beckham:

Length: 25 ½ in (9.6%)

Weight: 13lb 13 oz (1.8%)

Head Circumference: 17 (46%)

Who does your baby look like: Robert all the way

Baby’s current milestone achievement: Army crawl

Baby’s favorite thing to do: Smile! And bounce even in mid hair with his legs dangling ;)

As you can tell this poor little guy is tiny, but smart! Ha. He is still constantly sick, but always manages to be happy. He does the most awkward army crawl where he rolls to his side and then reaches his arm up to pull himself forward. It’s so stinking cute!

Brody:

Length: 26 ½ in (45%)

Weight: 15lb 2 oz (9.73%)

Head Circumference: 16 ¾ (27%)

Who does your baby look like: He has my eyes and curly blonde hair, but looks a lot like my nephew when he was a baby.

Baby’s current milestone achievement: rolling like crazy and saying ba ba ba

Baby’s favorite thing to do: Sleep. Yep, me and him could sleep all day 

Yes he is quite a bit bigger than his brother. I really am not sure how his head is smaller. Lol. He has the most beautiful blue eyes and still the most kissable lips! He has my personality. Stubborn ha. He will let you know (with a grunt) when he is not satisfied.

They have both started eating baby food. They LOVE squash. The only one they haven’t liked was peas. I will be trying fruits within the next week. Every time I’m feeding them I still look in amazement at not only the fact that I am so blessed to actually have two babies to feed, but that they are actually here. Some days it still doesn’t seem real. What I had hoped and prayed for for so long is right in front of me. It’s the most amazing feeling to be their mommy and be needed. The other night my heart melted. My dad was trying to get Beckham to sleep and he just wasn’t budging. I grabbed him and he immediately fell asleep in my arms. Right then I realized that the love I had longed for for so long was laying in my arms. I am their mommy. I am the one who can comfort them when no one else can. I waited so long to feel that with so many nights not knowing if it was ever going to happen. Here I am. Living my dream. No matter what else is going on in my life I can never be ungrateful because of the extreme amount of blessings God has poured in to my life. He is good and I am thankful!

HAPPY 6 MONTHS MY LITTLE PUMPKIN BUTTS

MOMMY LOVES YOU SO MUCH

The Sweetest Words

2011-12-08T08:50:00.001-06:00

I've always known I was meant to be a mom. As many of you know it something I have longed for for a really long time. The journey has been so long and extrememly emotional, but there are little moments, now that I'm a mom, that make that journey completely worth it. They are those moments that make me know I would do it all over again to experience what I'm experiencing now. Last night was one of them. I heard for the first time my sweet baby boy Beckham say "mama". What a miracle word!

To My Boys

2011-11-16T14:34:00.001-06:00

Beckham- My oldest child (by 1 minute). Mommy loves you more than words, kisses or hugs could ever express. You will be 5 months old tomorrow. I do not know where the time has gone. You have gone from a 5lb 6oz little bundle of joy to an ever growing handsome boy. I love the little smiles you give when you see me. It melts my heart. You have the sweetest most innocent little voice. You love to talk to me all the way home from daycare. We talk about your day and I tell you how much I love you. You do not like your cereal and pretty much just wear it. You roll over so good now and you have the strongest little crooked head. You have started giggling recently and it just makes me so happy when I hear it. You've started exploring so much with your eyes and hands. You love to grab things and just feel them. You especially like to do this to mommy's face when you are laying next to me. It's one of those times I lay, close my eyes and thank God for that touch. My favorite time with you is the middle of the night when you have a coughing spell (you are always sick). You just HAVE to be propped so what better place than on my pillow with me. Oh how I love your little snuggle. You are one of the best snugglers. You bury your face next to mine and that's when I steal all your kisses. You don't mind. You just sleep away. I want the world for you. I hope you always know how much I love you and that I would do anything for you my little monkey boy.

Hi Sweet Boy

Brody-Mommy's little tough guy. You also turn 5 months tomorrow. I still can't believe that you and your bubba are this old already. By looking at you, you would have never known that you once fit in to preemie clothes. I think you are going to be my linebacker. (For OU of course) You have the most beautiful blue eyes and the most beautiful big smile. You giggle when I kiss your neck and I think my heart grows by a million. You love to scream and grunt. You pretty much sleep the whole way home from daycare so I don't get to hear about your day. You talk the most either first thing in the morning or when you are laying in your bed trying to go to sleep at night. You love your cereal and for the first time last night you actually cried in between bites because I wasn't feeding it to you fast enough. It was pretty cute. You have really started exploring with your eyes and hands. You will reach for toys and put them straight in your mouth. You LOVE my kisses and will open your mouth for them. You better do this for the rest of your life. (maybe not the open mouth part) I love you more than words, hugs or kisses could ever express and I also want the world for you. I will be here for you whatever you need. Mommy loves you monster.

Hi Handsome Boy

You two have came in to my life and turned it upside down for the better. I never knew the love I could have for someone else. Our God is so great in everything he does and I hope I can lead you down a path to follow Him. I know you will both grow up to be amazing men. I love you with all my heart.

Mommy

What If

2011-11-07T12:07:00.001-06:00

What if you were to wake up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?
I can honestly say if this were true, I would 100% without a doubt wake up with my boys! There are probably at least 2 times in a day where I will praise Him for the gift He has given me. I don't know that I've ever had anything in my life that has made me stop on a daily basis and say thank you. I know what a miracle they are. God didn't have to give me this blessing, but He did. And I am so incredibly grateful ever day of my life.

One of my favorite moments is when Brody sleeps in my arms

He was so exhausted he just slept with his hand on his cheek

When

2011-11-03T10:11:00.001-05:00

When did my babies go from this

To this

I just love them more and more everyday and I never know how that is even possible. They will be 5 months in two weeks :( Can't I freeze time?

Happy Halloween

2011-11-01T15:19:00.000-05:00

We brought the boys up to work on Thursday last week so they could trick or treat with mom and dads coworkers. We had fun showing them off. Then last night was Halloween and we just took them to my parents and Robert's moms. They did not like the masks that went with these so just enjoy their cuteness in the outfit.

Here are some more random cuteness pics.

This is Beckham at the Dr yesterday. Poor kid is always sick and has been to the Dr more in his life than most. He will always smile though. He also rolled over from his back to tummy for the first time last night. (I know I still owe a video of him rolling over). Here is Brody. He has found his feet and absolutely loves them! I think this is one of the cutest things ever. He will just lay there and grab them and roll from side to side. He has yet to roll over, but he has a little more belly to work with :)

On another note I just went through and read a blog that I hadn't seen in a while. I have a few friends (yes sadly more than one) who have lost their babies in the last year. My heart always ached for them, but I never truly got how devastating it would be until I had my boys. The thought of not seeing those smiles every day or hearing those sweet little coos is absolutely heartwrenching. I am going to do a better job of taking every day in. Not taking for granted the nights when I get to look down at those sweet faces and kiss all over them. No one is promised tomorrow and I want to take advantage of every second I have with them. They are my life!

The Day Two Miracles Were Created

2011-10-13T15:20:00.000-05:00

This day one year ago was one of the most miraculous days of my life. As of this time a year ago my boys were created. I remember walking in to the clinic that morning with so many fears. Would they get enough eggs? Would they fertilize? Would we have a baby at the end of this? They retrieved 13 eggs that day. 10 fertilized. Two of those eggs are my beautiful amazing little boys. It’s amazing how God picked them out. Only two eggs survived and were put back in me and to know those created this HUGE blessing in my life is breathtaking. It’s an emotion that I cannot explain. Even though IVF was a crazy ride I love the fact that we know the exact day our boys were made. Not many can say that. Today is a day to celebrate what an amazing God we serve. He knew what this would bring us. He reserved these boys just for Robert and I. What better gift in life can you ask for! I literally tear up with happiness every time I think of those cute little boys. My life is so rich and I only have God to thank for that. They are what make my world go round.

On a different note Beckham roled over for the first time last night. I was so excited to actually witness it. My biggest fear is that they would do all these things at daycare. Gosh I love them!

(video to follow)

The Boys are Growing

2011-10-10T12:07:00.000-05:00

I have been an absolutely horrible blogger. I feel like life is just flashing before my eyes! The boys are getting so big. When did this happen? I am loving every minute with them. Brody laughed out loud for the first time this weekend and is so close to rolling over from his stomach to back. It's so funny as a mom to sit there and cheer on your 4 month old to roll over. It's so exciting though. Beckham has really started developing his own personality. He is my fit throwing back archer. He is going to be a quiet trouble maker. He will be laying there screaming and then out of nowhere stop and smile. It's the cutest thing ever! My love for these boys grows daily. I don't even know how that is possible, but it is. I officially have to watch Beckham in his swing. Here is a pic of why.

This was during one of his fits. He has gotten really good at those lately. They are still really good babies for the most part though. They slept in their cribs for the first time Friday night. It lasted till about 4am then they were back in our room and haven't slept in their since. I'm still having a really hard time letting them be that far away from me. I don't feel like I can protect them.

These boys love each other so much already. Here is a picture to prove it. I have a million just like this.

Here are just a few more to show you how big they have gotten. SO. IN. LOVE.

My New Favorite Thing

2011-09-14T11:43:00.000-05:00

Here lately Beckham has been getting fussy about 3:30am. We feed them at 5:00am so I do not want to give him a bottle because he will be completely off for the day. (yes I'm that mean). I have discovered that if I lay him in bed with me he falls right back to sleep. I ABSOLUTELY love this!! He will snuggle his little head right in to mine. He needs me :) I realize a million people say this is a bad habit to get in to, but I don't care. My babies will only want to love on their momma for so long and I'm going to take FULL advantage of it. I love those boys so much.

Back to Work

2011-09-04T10:31:00.000-05:00

This was probably one of the hardest weeks of my life. I had to leave my baby boys for the first time to go back to work last Monday. My mom took off for the week to keep them, so it made my transition a little easier. I started crying the Friday before and pretty much didn't stop until Monday. Monday morning was so hard to leave them. I knew that I would not be seeing those smiley little faces for 11 1/2 more hours. This Tuesday will be their first day of daycare. I think this might be even harder. I have to leave them with complete strangers. What if they don't love them enough? What if they just let them lay their all day? What if they don't feed them on schedule? We are putting our world in the care of someone else. I've had such a hard time with the idea of working and not staying home with them. I feel like someone else gets to raise them. Someone else gets to see their firsts. Someone else gets to see those precious little smiles all day long while I'm sitting at a desk. It absolutely breaks my heart! We tried for so long for these little miracles and now someone else gets to spend more time in a day than we do with them. I've looked at numbers over and over again and it's just not possible for me to stay home right now. I always worry too if I don't work will we be able to provide all the things we want for them? Everyone tells me it will get easier, but i don't think it ever will. These early years are years you can never get back and I just feel like I'm going to miss it all. I have had several people say, you will want that adult time away from them. I have to honestly say I am not one of those people. I could spend every minute of every day with those little amazing gifts from God. Some times in life we have to do things we don't want to do though and I know for them at this age it's a lot harder on momma than it is on them.

Blessed

2011-08-26T10:16:00.000-05:00

As I lay here staring at my two miracle babies I cannot help but know how incredibly blessed I have been with them. I had a twin pregnancy. Things could have turned at any time. I could have had them extremely early and not been able to bring them home. They were born at 37 weeks. They could have had so many complications. I've had one miscarriage. It could have happened again. But it didn't. They are perfectly healthy and they came out that way. I'm lucky, fortunate and INCREDIBLY blessed! It turns out the other way for so many people. My boys are THE best babies too. They only cry if they are hungry. They will lay and play by themselves for hours. They take two hour naps every afternoon. (So does momma.) They have always slept at least 3-4 hrs at a time and as of 8 wks they sleep through the night. I marvel at God's work. I would go through the pain of Infertility a million times over if this is my outcome!

The first time I laid my eyes of Beckham

The first time I laid my eyes on Brody

And the first time my heart and life was truly full

The moment you first hold your children is one you will never forget!

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Psalm 127:3

Cycle Day 5

2011-08-23T07:45:00.000-05:00

Why am I counting cycle days again? Oh I don't know probaby because it's all I know. I feel like I should have already been violated once at the Dr and starting today I should be taking my pills in the hopes to become ~~dissapointed~~ pregnant . I should be starting ovulation tests in 5 days. I should be seeing my thermometer lying next to my bed. This month marks one year since we last tried to get pregnant in a somewhat normal way. We started our IVF process in September. Amazing how a year later everything can still feel the same. I no longer know how to have a normal cycle. I don't even know how it's going to feel to start my period at the end of this cycle and not bawl. Not be overcome with anger, hurt and failure. I will always be an Infertile. Those feelings will never go away. I will never be able to forget what I went through to get these amazing boys. And I am thankful for that. While others may cringe at their baby screaming their head off in the backseat, I smile. I tear up and praise God that I get to hear that amazing sound. I will never once be upset at what I have asked God for so many nights. That screaming is a reminder to me that God is good. I have posted this poem two times already on my blog. It hit home before and it was something I longed to feel, but now I can truly understand the power of it. For those of you who didn't have to struggle, as you're reading this poem and you're losing your patience with your child, just remember there are still a million girls out there that would give ANYTHING to be in your shoes.

I Will be a Mother Someday

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

These are my miracles and I will NEVER take them for granted

Picture Overload

2011-08-18T16:17:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to say welcome to my new followers. I have deleted my facebook account so I promise to keep up with this more. Here are some of the professional maternity and newborn pics we had taken. LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM!

6 Weeks and Other Randoms

2011-07-29T09:36:00.000-05:00

warning...this may be a long blog

Where has 6 weeks gone. I cannot believe my babies are this old already. It honestly breaks my heart to think about. If this amount of time has flown by already I just know the rest will be flying by too and I'm not ready for my boys to not want their momma. (yes I realize this is like 10 yrs away.) They are both growing so much and developing their own personalities.

Brody- Weighs approximately 8.2 lbs. He is our little chunk and I love it. He started cooing yesterday and this morning he smiled at me for the first time while talking to him. He is our grunter. Sometimes it's just because he's bored and others because he has tummy problems. Either way he would rather grunt than cry. He's actually doing it as I type. lol. When he wants your attention he will squeal. It's so cute! He's eating 3.5 oz every 3 hours and sleeping about 4-4.5 hours at night. I think he is going to be my busy body who can't sit still. Within the past week he has really started to focus on things like lights, tv, and most importantly me :)He loves to pucker up his lips to give mommy kisses. He has outgrown all his newborn clothes and is in 0-3. This really makes me sad. He is getting so big already and losing that newborn look.

Beckham- Weighs approximately 7.2 lbs. He is the little guy. It's amazing the size difference between him and Brody. I wonder all the time if he will ever catch up. He is the relaxed one. He can just lay by himself and stare away at anything. He has been able to focus on things for a while now. He smiled at me for the first time about 2 weeks ago. He might be a fit thrower though because he already has the arching his back thing down. There are something about his eyes that draw you in. I've felt this since day one with him. He is eating 3 oz every 3 hours and sleeps 4-4.5 hours a night. He is still in his newborn clothes and probably will be for another month.

Both of my boys are growing so fast. They really are good babies and I feel very lucky. They have made it very easy. I honestly think one child would be a piece of cake. Robert went back to work this week. Since he went back we have really established a routine and it's wonderful. The best part of our day is the 2 hour nap in the afternoon for all of us. Oh how I'm going to miss that when I go back to work. I start back 4 weeks from Monday. I honestly don't know how I'm going to do ti. The thought of someone else being with my children more than me and someone else getting to see all their milestones BREAKS MY HEART! I hate that everything is so expensive these days where it's almost impossible to just have one income. I would love to be able to find something part time that pays well, but I'm not sure if that exists. People say it gets easier, but I'm just not sure that I'll ever be ok with it. :(

I've started having body issues in the past week. I was losing weight like crazy and then all the sudden it just stopped. I have 20 more lbs to go to pre pregnancy weight,plus I'd like to lose another 15. I know it's going to take time because I gained quite a bit more than a normal pregnancy, but I'm ready for my old body. I also have discovered stretch marks. I did not see these during my pregnancy, but they are apparent now. I'm hoping with a little tanning they wont be that noticable. I started working out again and eating better so hopefully I'll see some results. And yes I would do it all over again knowing that I'd have this body after.

There is so much more that I think of blogging about, but I have to go change some diapers, so I will try to write more in the next few days. I'll leave you with some pictures for now.

Breastfeeding...Well Sorta

2011-07-10T15:27:00.000-05:00

Breastfeeding is something I have known I wanted to do since I thought about having children. It's important to me. When I found out I was having twins I had to face the reality that it may not be a possibility. I've tried to prepare myself over the last nine months to not lose it if I could't. (Yeah right)

So here is how it has gone. I told all my family and friends that right after the boys birth I wanted it to be me and Robert in the room for about the first hour so we could bond and so that I could try to breastfeed. Brody came out ready to eat. Literally! He was already looking for the boob. Beckham not so much. Much to my surprise Brody latched on right away. YAY. Beckham eventually did witht he help of the nurse. Here I was 30 min after bringing them in to this world providing them with what they need to survive. Something only I can give them. It was the most amazing rewarding experience. (I'm sure the drugs helped too ;) I continued to feed them while we were in the hospital. Brody would always latch on right away, but we had to trick Beckham with some formula from a syringe to get him to latch on. Feeding at home continured to go good. We had to bring them back in for weight checks 2 days after we left. The boys were both still losing weight and with them being so small in the first place the nurses were worried. I told them about the struggle with Beckham and that's when we were told to try pumping from the side that Brody was not on and bottle feeding Beckham. I was ok with this because I at least had one baby that still latched on. We were told to come back the next day for another weight check after changing things up. They finally had gained weigth. This made me one proud momma. A couple of days had gone by and I started to notice Brody was getting hungry about 15 min after he ate. It never occured to me until that moment that he wasn't getting enough milk from me. I was only pumping 1 oz from the breast that Beckham was getting and we were supplementing him to have 2 oz. I was starving my poor baby. Robert suggested that we do the same with Brody as we were doing with Beckham. I lost it! I knew it was the right thing to do so he would not starve, but it hurt. This is something I have longed to be able to do with my babies for so long and it turns out I can't. I had my little cry and soon got over it. I know pump for both boys and am getting about 2 oz from each side. Beckham is eating 3 oz and Brody is eating 3 1/2 oz. Which means I'm still having to supplement. I have to remember that if I only had one child I would have plenty. I have two, but that doesn't make this any easier.

p.s when Brody gets hungry in between meals I let him have the boob ;) it comforts him and momma!

Breastfeeding takes a lot of commitment. Our schedule revolves around their feeding times, so we really don't get out much. I've thought about switching to straight formula already because I often wonder if giving them just 2 oz of my milk is really worth it? The middle of the night is the hardest part when I wake up to pump and everyone else is sound asleep. BUT, there is just something so special and rewarding knowing that you are giving them something NO ONE else can! I LOVE BEING A MOMMY

My Miracles Are Here

2011-06-24T21:03:00.000-05:00

We welcomed Beckham Cale and Brody Kingston in the to the world on June 17th. I had a scheduled c-section since baby A was breech. The delivery went very smooth and both babies are as healthy as can be. Beckham was born at 9:09 and weighed 5lbs 6oz and was 18 in long. Brody was born at 9:10 and weighed 6lbs 2oz and was 20 in long. They are just perfect. I look at them and wonder why God decided to bless us with these two amazing babies. What did we do to deserve such miracles? It's amazing to think 4 years ago we longed for this day and now it's here. All the tears and heartache are worth what is before our eyes now. For those of you still longing for this day, trust me, when it comes you will feel the same way. Here are our miracles.

Brody

Beckham

Brotherly Love

Showers

2011-06-05T10:25:00.000-05:00

I have been such a slacker on this blog. These boys are about to be here so I have a feeling it will get even worse, but once again I'll promise to try and be better. We had three showers for the boys. One from work, one from family and one from friends. I cannot even begin to describe how incredibly blessed we are to have all the people we do in our lives. Here are a few pics from the showers.

I will leave you with my latest belly pic and I will post another blog this week to update you on when these little stinkers should arrive.

In a Years Time

2011-05-09T09:15:00.001-05:00

Wow what a difference a year makes. Yesterday was Mother's Day. A year ago this day was literally one of the most painful days of my Infertily journey. I remember starting the day out knowing I couldn't go to church because I didn't want to hear all the talk about mothers. I didn't want to have to hear the Pastor say Happy Mother's Day. So we skipped church. We then went to my mother in laws where I decided it would be a good idea to drown my sorrows in some wine. Great idea. I was pretty much in a daze the entire time I was there and just really wanted to lock myself in a room and cry. We then had to go make a stop by my moms house. Still in a daze and not really good company we decided to leave. As we were hugging my parents goodbye I lost it. And I mean really lost it! I remember saying I just don't understand why. It's not fair! This Mother's Day was after losing our baby too and that just added to the sadness and hurt. My parents just held me. After leaving there I decided I needed go talk to a friend. So I called up my friend Marie and went over to her house. Knowing what I know now I feel horrible about going over there because she had just found out she was pregnant and here I am being an emotional mess, but she is a great friend like that and was there for me. It felt good to talk to her and let out some more tears. (I truly am so thankful for all my friends that were there for me at this time) I went home that night and let out some more painful heartache. I will never forget the pain of that day and I will forever be aware on Mother's Day that there are so many woman out there hurting and longing to be a mother still.

This year Mother's Day was much happier for me. I had no fear of hearing those words. I could tell others Happy Mother's Day and not feel jealous. I am so thankful to God for the miracles that he is blessing us with this year. I cannot wait to be a mommy!

Nursery and More Updates

2011-04-22T09:51:00.000-05:00

I'll start witht the nursery first. We have actually had this done for a while, but again I've been to lazy to post. That should be changing soon. I'll explain later. We had discussed when we were trying that if it was a girl I got to do the nursery and if it was a boy Robert got to do it. We just had to agree on what was picked. Robert wanted sports which was fine with me however I didn't want the cartoony (I may have made up that word) kind. So we found this one we both love called Cooperstown. It's more vintage. We thought we were going to have a hard time in the beginning because it is actually discontinued and we had to order from several different places. It all came together perfectly though. So here you go.

The only thing we are missing is the hamper and rug which we registered for. I cannot wait for my little boys to be sleeping in there. (which will be a while :)

Alright let's get to other business. The reason I plan on having more time(aka not be lazy) to blog is because my Dr is taking me off work at 32 wks. That's only 2 1/2weeks left of work. I'm actually really excited about this because I can rest and focus on keeping these boys in here as long as possible. My goal for now is 36 weeks but I definitely would like to go to 38 wks. I had my Specialist appointment yesterday and my cervical length is still measuring great at about 3.34 and the boys are getting big. Beckham weighs 2lb 13oz and Brody weighs 3lb 1oz. I'm so proud of how good they are doing. I also had my regular OB appointment. I had failed my 1 hour glucose so I had to do the 3 hour. It was miserable, but I PASSED!! YAY. I have now gained 40 lbs. I'm thinking it will be over 50 by the time I give birth. Hey they need room! I'm now measuring 37 wks. I find this hilarious! I have not thown up in almost 3 wks now. I have however gotten extremely uncomfortable in the past week. I am definitely feeling the strain of their weight. Sleeping is almost non existent. Breathing hahahah...... I feel like I"m going to think I can run a marathon once they are out. The past two weeks have been great though as far as feeling them goes. Their kicks have turned more in to rolls. I can just put my hand on my stomach and feel them move in there. It's truly the most amazing feeling in the world! 8 MORE WEEKS!!!!!

Playing Catch Up

2011-04-08T15:20:00.000-05:00

Wow I have so much that has been on my mind that I want to write about, but again I've been too lazy to actually do it. I'll just start with one and then give a pregnancy update.

The other night while watching Grey's Anatomy a scene came up where one of the Drs is pregnant (by accident) but gets in a car wreck and they wind up delivering the baby at like 24 wks or so. There is another Dr(Meridith) on the show who her and her husband have suffered one miscarraige and have been unsuccesful in getting pregnant since. Well after the 24 wk old baby is born Meridith is in the elevator with her husband and she breaks down. Basically saying how she has to take shots and temperatures and she can't achieve pregnancy. My husband shouted out from the kitchen, you have been there babe. I cannot tell you the flood of emotions that came over me in that second. I never thought I could forget how painful TTC was, but in that moment I realized that I had because that pain swept over me for the first time in 7 months. It took me back to that exact feeling of defeat, anger, and heartbreak. It made me remember again to be so thankful for these two miracle boys God has given us. I still have friends that are dealing with infertilty and my heart breaks for them. I just don't understand why this happens to some while others have no problems at all. It's just not fair and I pray with all my heart that they will all be blessed very soon. Everyone deserves that chance to have a child of their own.

Pregnancy update! I am now a little over 27 weeks. I mean seriously, where is the time going? We had our first shower yesterday and it was amazing. We got our stroller, car seats and lots of diapers, blankets, etc. Having the shower makes this all so real. We have two more showers to go and then we will start getting together anything that is left. (Like we know what we need)The boys have been moving around like crazy. Just in the past two weeks it has turned in to more of rolling than kicking. Although Beckham still loves to kick my bladder and the bigger he gets the more it hurts! We went for our 4D last weekend and the little stinkers wouldn't turn their heads, so we are trying again tomorrow. We also have our maternity pictures tomorrow. I can't wait. I did my Glucose test this morning. I didn't find the taste of the drink to be as bad as just having an empty stomach. I'm pretty sure I would have puked if I had waited 10 min longer. I won't know the results until Monday. I have gained 30 lbs which I'm still content with. My prediction is it will be 50 total. I'm measuring 33wks..YIKES. They are weighing about 2 lbs each now. It's so crazy to think they will be here in about 9-11 wks. Robert and I are so ready.

23 Weeks and First ER Visit

2011-03-08T11:48:00.000-06:00

Look at me posting again! Aren't you impressed? I will be 23 weeks tomorrow. Moving right along. I had my first ER trip of this pregnancy on 3/4/11. As soon as I left work that Friday I started having pretty bad upper gastric pain. At first I just really thought it was gas pain, but after 2 hours had passed and I was doubled over I told Robert we should probably go to the hospital. The good thing about being pregnant in an ER is they do not make you wait. They wheeled me right up to the womens center and got me hooked up to the monitors. I wasn't really scared for the babies because I knew I wasn't contracting and I could feel them kicking. They got their heartbeats then ordered an ultrasound. I love seeing those babies. They were moving around like crazy. One was even kicking the other one in his little pee pee. (They will come out boxing) The conclusion was my gall bladder. I had eaten horrible that day (very greasy) for every meal. I never do this and I never will again. They gave me some Loritab and sent me home. That was the best sleep I've gotten in 6 months! Can I have that every night please :) I'm so glad it wasn't something more serious and I can control it by my diet.

It seems crazy to think I only have about 14 weeks left of this pregnancy, but again I have to be honest I'm ready for it to be over. I have a high pain tolerance and I'm not doing well with all the aches and pains. My stomach has been going through a growth spurt and talk about PAIN. I had to sleep in the recliner the other night just to get somewhat comfortable. I still feel like this is just because of a twin pregnancy and may not be so bad with just one or maybe all you people that have been pregnant forgot about how it really was! Or just flat out lied to me lol. I still get sick daily. I still have some days where I'm just naseaus all day. I'm too the point where I just want to feel normal again. There are parts that I absolutely love though, like feeling them kick. They are getting stronger and I can see it from the outside. I could watch it for hours. I love my pregnant belly too! I really hate to complain about something that is such a miracle, but I don't want to lie about how I feel either. I know it's all going to be worth it and that's what gets me through. I haven't gained any more weight in the past 3 weeks. I'm suppose to gain 40 at least, so I need to get on it. I'm not sure I could eat any more than I already am. I'm sure the weight will come. I started working out so maybe that has something to do with it. Trust me though I am not trying to lose weight. I want my babies to have plenty of room. We have now finished our registry. Babies R Us takes a while. That place is huge and it's so intimidating not really knowing what all you need. I've been around lots of babies, but none that have lived with me 24/7. I'm sure we'll figure it out. I have stayed away from books just because I want to do it my way and not worry that my babies aren't doing it the way the book says. Ok that's enough rambling for one blog. Here is my 22 week pic. Sorry it's so dark.

21 Weeks

2011-02-24T09:41:00.001-06:00

Ok I know I have been absolutely horrible at updating this and I don’t have a good excuse except for I’ve just been flat out lazy! I get home from work and all I want to do is change in to my pjs, eat dinner and sit in the recliner with the heating pad. And let me tell you….It’s Heaven 
Update on my pregnancy. As you can see from the title and my little ticker I am now 21 wks along. Holy cow when did this happen? I’m so amazed at how fast the time is flying by. All my Dr appointments have been going great and my little boys are looking so cute. I will see my specialist for the second time today. I can’t wait to see those cute little babies again. I will start my bi-weekly appointments next month. I’m pretty sure I am going to be all Dr’d out by the end of this. As if I wasn’t already from IVF. Ok so here are some bullet points.

Morning Sickness: I still throw up every morning first thing. After that I eat my waffles with peanut butter and a glass of milk and I’m good to go. It’s so refreshing to feel good during the day now. They are still grounded when they come out for making me so sick though. JK!
Weight Gain: Well this sure did change. If you remember at 15 wks I had only gained 6 lbs. Now at 21 wks I am up 17 lbs. My Dr assured me though that everyone has 10 lb months. WHEW! I’m still not concerned about my weight. I want what is best for these little guys. She expects me to gain at least 40 so I’m still right on track. . I’m happy to say it is all belly too.
Babies Room: We pretty much have the room put together. We still need a rug, curtains and to hang their names on the wall. And then of course just some added decorations. I love it. I love walking in there and being filled with the tears of joy that were replaced from tears of heartache.
Movement: I felt Beckham move for the first time on February 14th. Oh how amazing it was. I have been feeling them daily although it’s still not as prominent as I would like. I know, a million people have told me don’t wish too much for this because pretty soon you will be asking them to stop. Miserable and all I will still marvel at these little ones moving inside me. I’ve waited a long time for this feeling.
Daycare- This just makes me cry. I hate even talking about it. But it’s one of the things that have to happen. We found an in home daycare for a VERY affordable price. We really liked her and this is where the boys will go. I thought I would walk out of there happy because we find a place that we liked, but I was even sadder leaving. It means I really have to leave them. I really don’t know how I’m going to be able to do this.

I still have to admit that pregnancy is not at all what I expected it to be, but I’m starting to enjoy it more and more. I still get no sleep at night thanks to back pain and constant peeing, but I think I’m starting to adjust. Seeing my belly grow just makes me smile. I will update with pics later. I have so much to write about, but that is going to require me to stop being lazy. So maybe soon you will get more out of me. For now that is all the updates I have.

And the Twins Are

2011-02-05T09:20:00.001-06:00

Boys! There is no denying that this little ones definitly have hot dogs :) Their names are Beckham Cale and Brody Kingston. We are so excited and can't wait for them to be here now. The room is under way (sort of). I'm ready to start putting it all together, but I have to be a little more patient because we are waiting on a wall to get repaired in the room. Hopefully soon though and I will post some pics.

For Everything There is a Reason

2011-02-01T10:02:00.000-06:00

For those of you that have followed my blog from the beginning you know that I have often questioned God. Why was he putting us through this battle? Why would he not want us to be parents? why would he let someone feel this much pain? As much as I questioned, I always new that there was a reason and one day I would know just what that was. I didn't expect it to come so soon, but I think I now understand.

I have been very fortunate in my life to have never loste anyone close to me. At 28 that changed. On December 11, 2010 my grandpa passed away. He has fought parkinsons for a long time and most recently had been diagnosed with cancer. He had some great last days. He had one wish to have us all together on Thanksgiving and we all believe that that was what he was hanging on for because after that it went downhill. In his last days we all gathered around his bed and let him know that it was ok to go home and that we loved him. The night before he passed I was able to kiss him on the forehead, tell him I love him with an I love you back and have him squeeze my hand as if to say it's all going to be alright. I will cherish that last night with him forever. I asked him that night to watch over my babies and I believe he is doing just that as he cracks jokes with God. He was such an amazing man.

My family was very worried about me at this time. I think I was only about 10wks pregnant. Over all I think I handled it a lot better than I ever thought. I'm not sure if it was just the constant throwing up that took away the pain or the fact that I know he is no longer in pain and with our Lord and Saviour. Either way I think God chose this time for me to be pregnant because it's what my family needed. We needed a happy time in the midst of so much sadness.

Psalm 30:5
Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Grandpa you will forever be missed and I can't wait to tell my children all about how amazing, funny, caring and loving my grandpa was. Thanks for watching over my babies from heaven. I love you!

Almost 15 Weeks

2011-01-09T12:58:00.001-06:00

Hello blog world. Sorry I went MIA. Hopefully I'm back to stay. Wow I can't believe I'm sitting here typing about being 15 wks pregnant. I'm still in shock over all of this because there is that part of every infertile girl who believes they will never be a mother. Besides the morning sickness I sometimes don't feel like this is real. I feel like we are tricking people in to thinking we are pregnant. I wonder if it will become more real when they start kicking or will it be when I actually get to meet them? Here are some updates on what has been happening.

Morning Sickness- This has really prevented me from enjoying pregnancy so far. It makes me so sad because I have waited so long for this. The good news is it has gotten a hundred times better. I had a week where I didn't throw up at all, but was just nauseaus all day. The last 3 days the throwing up is back, but I'm not yucky feeling all day. I actually had my first productive day yesterday in about 10 weeks.

Weight Gain- So far I'm holding steady at 6 lbs. And sadly enough those lbs just happend in the 2nd Tri. Oops. I could technically count 2 in the 1st Tri because I would lose it then gain it. Hey whatever makes me happy lol. Actually for the first time probably in my life I love my fat belly and have no self consciousness.

Babies Room- This was my productive day yesterday. We cleaned out a big part of that room because it's kind of been a catch all room. We still have some left but really it just goes in the attick. We bought our cribs last weekend, but we don't plan on putting them up for a while. We decided with two babies things are going to get expensive so we wanted to start buying now.

Gender- We scheduled a Gender scan with a local ultrasound place for Feb 3rd. I'm so impatient I could not wait another 6 wks. I still think it is 2 girls. We did the Intelligender for fun and it said boy. Chinese gendar calendar says boy. All other wives tales point to girl so far. I am so excited to know what we are having.

It's crazy to think in just about 5 wks I should be feeling these babies move. It makes me emotional just thinking about how blessed we are right now. In 5 short months we should be holding our miracles that we have waited so long for. God is so good. I will leave you with the much anticipated belly shots.

Here is week 4

And here is week 14

Finally the Story

2010-12-09T16:20:00.000-06:00

Ok so as promised here is how the events of my finding out I'm pregnant unfolded.

On the Sat before my Beta test I woke up feeling extremely tired. It continued throughout that day and I'm pretty sure I took about 3 naps. I thought something was up then, so I waited for Robert to go to the gym and I went and took one of my cheap dollar tree tests. I didn't see anything at first, but then noticed a very very faint pink line. Now I know dollar tree tests are known to give evaps so I really didn't think much of it. I decided not to tell Robert just in case it was an error. It was actually a fun little (possible) secret to keep to myself for a night. That next morning worked out perfect because Robert actually got up before me so I ran to the bathroom and took an Answer test. I wish I could have recorded that look on my face when I saw two pink lines. It was a feeling I hadn't felt in a really long time! It was time to tell Robert the good news. I had had some Budoir portraits done for him back in February and while I was there I had her take a pic of me with the words I'm pregnant written on my belly. I had put it in the back of the book of pictures the week before just in case. I took it to him and said I have a present for you. He looked at me and said oh did you get more pics done. He opened it up and read those words he's been dying to hear. Then he asked me if I was sure and of course wanted a million more tests. lol. Hence the million tests from a previous post. I think he finally believed it after our beta. We only told my parents and his mom after the beta. We had planned to keep it to ourselves for a while afer that, but we all know how that turned out. Our families are so excited for us. They cannot wait to meet these two little ones.

Now on a more real note. I first one to say that I hope I do not hurt anyones feelings by the rest of this post. I know how hard it can be to hear pregnant woman complain about something that you want so badly, but please remember I was on this journey for 3 years 2 months and I know so very well the pain that goes with infertility, and I want you to know that I still feel like an infertile girl.

I am still so scared for this pregnancy. I feel myself not allowing myself to get attached to these babies or be excited about them. The first appointment we went to was the scariest day of my life. I was so nervous thinking the worst possible outcome. The second one was scary, but not as scary. And for the record the babies had made it past the point of my last pregnancy. It still doesn't comfort me though. I have one more appointment to make it through before I will feel like I can connect and enjoy this pregnancy. I just really can't imagine going through all of that again. I pray to God daily to keep my babies healthy and I actually have little pep talks with them to keep fighting. 6 more days and I hope I can move past what has become such an emotionally draining part of my life.

Morning sickness. AHHHHHHHHH.......... I'm pretty sure most days I feel like I just want to die. Weeks 8 and 9 were absolutely horrible! I was on the verge of wanting to go to the hospital because I could not keep anything I ate or drank down for a couple of days. And that is with taking 8mg of Zofran. It has since eased up a bit (TINY BIT). I still throw up about 4-5 times a day and feel sick for the most of the 24 hours in a day. All of this stared about 5 weeks so I am now going on 5 weeks of throwing up and feeling like poo daily. I don't know how I am surviving it, but I am. I'm PRAYING that it will only last 2 more weeks. PRAYING HARD! I can't remember what it feels like to feel good. I did stop the progesterone shots (PRAISE THE LORD) two days ago. I hope that gives me some relief as well. I know it will give my back some relief. The sickness is gradually getting better or at least I'm just getting use to it. I really do hope it means my babies are in there nice and snug. (Although this is not an indicator for me)

One fun thing that is happening is I do have a bit of a baby bump. It's really fun! I don't think I have officially "popped" yet, but I feel it coming. Stay tuned for belly pics.

I just want to say that I am very thankful, despite all of the madness, to be pregnant. I thank God daily for the blessings he has given us. I never dreamed that we would be doing In Vitro, but what a miracle (or two) we got out of it.

8 Weeks

2010-11-27T14:10:00.001-06:00

Wow! What a big week this is going to be for me and my babies. This is the week that my last baby lost it's life. It's the week where the heart is suppose to change from 2 chambers to 4 chambers. Someone how my last one never made it that far. This is the most crucial week for me right now. I have another ultrasound on Monday morning. I'm not sure that it will give me all that much comfort being I will be 8wks 2days and my last baby died at 8 wks 4days. SIGH! I appreciate all the prayers and please keep them coming.

I realize I still have not given a post about all the details and I still promise it is coming. I am still really sick. (At least what I think is really sick) I throw up at least twice a day if not more. Some days are better than others. I'm counting down till the 2nd Tri. And yes even though these babies are making me miserable every second of every day, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Because We're Bad at This

2010-11-15T18:59:00.000-06:00

So we really planned on keeping this a secret until the second tri, but when the whole world knows that you did In Vitro I guess their curiousity gets the best of them and the questions do not stop just because you ask them tol. Robert kept reminding me that everyone was just excited for us. So without making y'all wait any longer. It is official. I AM PREGNANT. The best part of this news is IT'S TWINS!!!! I am measuring 6wks 2d. I will catch up on this later and let you know when I found out and all the details, but for now I feel like absolute dog poo. YAY for morning sickness.

Thanks for all the prayers!

And I'll leave you with some pee sticks.

Happy Birthday

2010-11-10T08:50:00.000-06:00

Today is one year from my angel babies due date. I cannot believe we should have a one year old child right now. It’s so crazy how fast time flies by. The pain has gotten easier and I don’t think about it as much as I used too. I will still never forget. Happy Birthday my angel baby.

Here We Are

2010-10-21T07:42:00.000-05:00

51 shots
1 month birth control
1 semen workup (for Robert obviously)
1 mock transfer
2 rounds antibiotics
1 HIV etc test (for each of us)
6 vaginal ultrasounds
4 estrogen blood draws
1 surgery (ER)
1 ET
and roughly $500 (so far)

Here I find us in the two week wait. This is the scariest part of it all. In just one short week I will have my blood results. Positive or Negative.

We transferred two embies. One Grade B and one Grade D. The Dr said that the majority they transfer are C's and D's. So I know we had at least one really good one. We had no babies left to freeze. This actually comes as a huge relief to me, because if you can remember I struggled with this decision BIG TIME! I'm glad that God chose it for me. It also means though that if this doesn't work we have exhausted our IF coverage. We are not going to worry about that now though.

Bedrest was pretty miserable just like I thought it would be. The worst part was my back. It was killing me by Tuesday morning. They tell you have to lay on it too, and my cute husband was on back patrol. He would keep coming in there and making me turn on my back. I kept occupied with the magazines and movies and I did pick up Twilight. I am on chapter 8 and plan to read more today. So far it's good, but I'm still waiting for it to get really good. Robert made me breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. My MIL stopped by yesterday and brought some stew. Robert was probably happy he didn't have to cook for me anymore lol.

I am currently 3dp5dt. For those that don't know the terminology that is 3 days past 5 day transfer or 8 days past ovulation in a normal cycle. I am already so anxious to test, but I will wait it out. Keep the prayers coming. We appreciate them!

I Get It

2010-10-18T06:58:00.001-05:00

In the beginning of this process I kept thinking how easy it was. Wondering why they said it was so stressful and hard on your body. I thought the birth control was a piece of cake, the lupron injections were easy, and even the stims were easy. I especially thought it was nice not having to take my temperature every morning or "HAVING" to have baby making sex. I think itwas right before Embryo Retrieval, when all of the sudden I got it. I knew what they were talking about and have since been reminded daily of how stressful and emotional IVF is. It starts with going in to the Retrieval scared that they wont get any good eggs. Then they make you wait 24 hours to tell you if any even fertilized. Then another 24 hours to tell if you have any babies still alive. And not to mention the Progesterone shots that take your breathe away. (I will come back to this). Now I am sitting here without a report since Saturday of how my babies are doing. My Embryo Transfer is today. This is the day that seals the deal. There is nothing I can do from here. At the end of this next week and a half I will either be pregnant or a I won't. I have not slept very well for the past few nights. It is finally setting in that this could not work. I am trying to be very positive, but at some point I also have to face the reality.

Back to the Progesterone. The first two shots did not hurt that bad. I was actually surprised thinking, ok this is going to be a piece of cake. But then from those 2 on they have hurt like hell. It literally takes my breathe away. Pretty sure I was almost in tears yesterday morning. Not to mention my butt/hip is so sore from the injections that when I turn in my sleep it wakes me up because it hurts so bad. I have already been playing schemes in my head of how I can get the Dr to give me suppositories if I am pregant instead of this stupid thing. Yes, it's that bad.

On a really happy note, I have some pretty amazing friends. I walked out on my porch last night to a huge basket of goodies. I wish I would have taken a pic to show, but I was so excited to see what was inside. I got a robe, two pairs of sweatpants, tons of magazines, Twilight, 3 movies, an amazingly soft blanket, and lots of candy. This is exactly why I feel like people should not keep Infertility quiet. I cannot imagine doing this without all of the wonderul support I have. I am not ashamed of what I am going through and I'm so blessed to have friends and family that are here to support and pray for me and Robert.

7 hours and counting and I will officially have two babies inside me. Then bedrest until Thursday. I will update everyone on what quality of eggs were transferred. Then after that you may not be hearing from me for a while.

My Babies Day 3

2010-10-16T12:37:00.000-05:00

Seriously, the wait for these phone calls is brutal. I will not be waiting for any more though. Today was the final update. I will now have to wait until I go in for my transfer which is scheduled for Monday at 2:15.
Here are today's numbers:

(1) 8 cell-Best one
(2) 7 cell- one is no change from yesterday
(2) 6 cell- good but she wishes they would have been at least 7
(4) 5 cell
(1) 4 cell- no change from yesterday

She said that the ones that are no change they will let sit for another 24 hours and if they still have no change they are discarded. I asked her if she was pretty confident that we would have at least one to transfer for Monday and she said she would be pretty suprised if we didn't.

I can't wait for Monday now. Well minus the bedrest. We have spent the weekend preparing. We went out and bought some easy food for Robert to make and a bed tray. A friend is bringing over some magazines and the first Twilight. Never really been interested in it, but hey I have 3 days to kill. We are still searching for some dog stairs for our bed. Rylan loves to play a game of jump down, want back up, jump down, want back up. I know I am going to go stir crazy, but it's for the best. We want that baby to snuggle in nice and tight.

Update Day 2

2010-10-15T13:06:00.000-05:00

I don't really know much about what all this means, but here is the report for today:

(1) 7 cell
(1) 5 cell
(1) 3 cell
(2) 4 cell
(5) 2 cell

I was told that on Day 2 you want them to be anywhere between 2-4 or higher. So in my opinion it's looking ok. Also, if your counting skills are on it looks like that 10th one made the cut. I will get my final (I think) update tomorrow and they will schedule my transfer.

We Have Babies

2010-10-14T20:11:00.001-05:00

Let me first start off by saying how horrible the wait for that phone call was. I imagined every possible scenario on the other end of that line. Of course they were all the worst. Good news is they called before lunch time so I didn't have to wait long. Here are day 1's numbers

out of 13 eggs
9 Fertilized
2 polyspermic(meaning two sperm got in-not usable)
1 pronuclei (not sure what this really means but it could still turn in to a possible egg)
1 Immature (not usable)

I'm so happy with the results so far. I feel so blessed for things to still being going so well. I know they could turn at any minute. I am still a little bloated today and can feel pain in my ovaries a little more, but still nothing too big. Today was my last day of work for 10 days! I'm excited. I could possibly be a pregnant woman when I go back. Of course no one will know that :)

Embryo Retrieval

2010-10-13T17:12:00.000-05:00

We got to the hospital around 7:30 this morning. They took us back and got my IV hooked up. Within minutes it was time to go back. It's so neat because they do it all in the Fertility clinic. It makes you feel a lot more comfortable. I walked myself to the operating room and laid on the table. It didn't take long for them to shoot me up with the good stuff and I was out. I secretly wish I could be put to sleep like that every night. Of course the first question I asked when I woke up was how many did they get. And apparantely I kept forgetting I had already asked that because each time I did Robert would laugh at me and say you already asked that. Excuse me! lol.

Ok drum roll please................13 eggs. I'm so pleased with this number. I had this really big fear going in this morning that they would only get a few. I even gave myself a pep talk saying it only takes one. I feel pretty good. Just some minor cramping and bloating. Oh and apparently we had a pretty big earthquake today and I was out for it.

I also had to start my Progesterone shot today. You know the one with the 2" needle. I was so scared. Almost in tears actually. The nurse drew some nice little smiley faces on my butt to guide Robert. He asked if I was ready and this time he didn't hesitate. It went right in. I barely felt it. Thank you Lord! I will be on this shot for the next 2 weeks and possible through my 1st trimester(if applicable). I will get my update tomorrow to see how many fertilized. I'm not going to be able to concentrate on anything else until I get that call. Thanks for all the prayers. They are working.

4th and Final Follicle Check

2010-10-11T18:57:00.000-05:00

Today was my last follicle check. The Dr and nurse had very pleasing comments and looks on their faces when they saw my follicles. I can't ever remember sizes so I secretly took a picture of my print out! I now have 10 follicles that are growing beautifully. Here are the sizes. The bottom number i what they consider the avg size. So that is what you are looking at. And 9.2 is my lining.

I just took my last shot of Lupron and I will be triggering tonight at 9 pm. So if anyone wants to play a cruel pregnancy joke on their signifigant other I will be able to produce a positive pregnancy test for about 5 days. Embryo Retrieval will be at 8am Wednesday morning. Lots of prayers please.

Follicle Check 3

2010-10-09T09:37:00.001-05:00

We got up this morning at 7:00am (yes on a Saturday) to go to our 3rd check up. The Dr was the only one there so he actually drew my blood. He cracked some jokes and made some small talk with us. He is definitely more laid back on the weekends. I'm starting to get use to him and it's a good thing because he's had more action than my husband lately. Don't worry people Robert has been there everytime. LOL. He then did my ultrasound. My lining is at 8 which is where is has to be before retrieval. So we are good to go in that area. My dominant follicle is now at 15 so we are set to Trigger on Monday with Retrieval on Wednesday.

I turned in my pre-op papers today. I have the instructions for post Retreival and post transfer. Some of them are kind of funny. I can't believe that it is almost here. I remember starting the birth control thinking that it was going to be a lifetime away. In 4 short days I will officially be in the two week wait. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Little Video

2010-10-08T08:00:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I decided i wanted to take a video of myself giving shots. You all read about it and some of you have actually done it, but I thought it would be neat to show what I do with my evenings. Ok so it's only about 10 minutes of my evening, but still. So here is your warning if you get light headed watching needles, do not continue with this post. My camera ran out of space mid film, so I had to start it over. That is why there are two. Enjoy!

Now notice how serious my face is lol. This is serious business.

Follicle Check 2

2010-10-07T16:10:00.000-05:00

My follicles are still growing nicely. My Dr made the comment that my right side was doing a little better than the left, but that is no big deal. My largest follicle measured at 11 and they want it to be at 18 before we trigger. They increase by 2 every day, so that moves our retrieval date to Wednesday, Oct 13th. We were a little dissapointed because we had already taken our days off work and things with my bedrest had worked to where it fell on the weekend and Robert didn't have to take extra days off. One of the biggest upsets is that I was suppose to go to the Carrie Underwood concert on the 20th. I will now be on bedrest. This is when my inner child sets in and I want to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR". However, I will be doing whatever I can to make this work even if it means giving up my social life. Our next appointment is Sat and we will have one more on Monday. I will continue to give updates. Oh and my meds are still staying the same.

Follicle Check 1

2010-10-06T06:30:00.001-05:00

I had my first appointment yesterday to check my follicles and do some blood work. I was super nervous going in because we could find out that I'm not responding to the stims and there are no eggs or very little eggs developing. Well that wasn't the case. They counted 14 follicles. She informed me that some may never develop in to anything, but I'm ok with that. The Dr likes to have at least 7 at retrieval, so we are on the road for success. My blood work was also good and they did not change my dosage of meds. I'm getting so excited. I can't believe my retrieval is Monday. Time really has flown.

Update on the shots. I am done with the Gonal F, and am now only on Lupron and Repronex. The Repronex has still not burned, however it does leave a huge knot on my stomach and makes it very sore. I'm running out of stomach space. Good thing I will be done with these shots on Friday!! I have my next appointment tomorrow. I will give another update then.

22 Shots Down

2010-10-03T11:08:00.000-05:00

22 shots down and roughly 32 more to go. This is being very hopeful that if I am pregnant that they will switch the progesterone shot to a suppository or a pill. I started my stimulation shots yesterday. I take my Gonal F at 6am and then my Repronex and Lupron at 6pm. I was super nervous because these were new shots and I had been told that the Repronex had been known to burn. I also was pretty nervous because the Repronex I had to mix myself. I had a minor freak out moment when I was trying to load the syringe with the liquid and it wouldn't stay pulled back. It just kept suctioning back. But I got it all figured out. My hands were shaking as I mixed it all. I got the needle in and braced myself for major burn. NOTHING! It was so simple, other than it taking longer because it is more liquid. Now I feel like I did something wrong though lol.

I have to admit, this process has been really easy. The money and just getting the meds have been the only stressful parts. I expected to be over the top maxed on stress level. I don't know if it is just because we have been through so much, that I'm excited to be at this point or If I'm finally just letting it all go. Either way I feel like my life has returned to a somewhat normal (fertile) life. And yes I realize how contradicting that sounds.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; Do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8

God is Good!!!!

Guess What

2010-09-30T16:00:00.000-05:00

I get to turn my calendar to October tomorrow. (Picture me jumping up and down here). I have been waiting for this month to come. I can't believe it's time to get down to business and do this IVF.

Lord please watch over us these next fews weeks and guard our hearts. Amen!

Supression Check

2010-09-29T19:06:00.000-05:00

Well my body decided to behave and we have achieved supression. The appointment was rather simple today until they started telling us how to use the next round of shots. Robert made the comment "I hope you're paying attention because I got lost a long time ago". Great lol. One of them is easy, the other, however, has a lot of put this on, twist this, mix this, do that. Whew I'm glad I'm not a nurse for a living. It takes talent. Although, I feel I should be certified to give shots after this.

We had to sign our forms on what to do with the embryos if we divorce. That is akward. And we chose to freeze our little babies. I found out today that this part is not covered by insurance and will cost us around $1000. Suprisingly this amount seems small. (Although of course I'd much rather have my babies for free) I start my stims on Saturday as long as the blood work comes back ok too, which according to my Dr it will. I was told the Repronex has been known to sting. I'm a little scared but I think it will be ok. I don't think I will really be freaked out until the 2 in long Progesterone needle has to hit my butt. I will update on Saturday how the 3 shots a day go.

One last thing BOOMER SOONER!!!!!!!!!!!

For the Record

2010-09-25T15:18:00.001-05:00

We have made the decision that we are not going to tell anyone the results of this IVF. I know this is going to be really hard considering a lot of people know that we are doing it. For the blogging world I will just not be posting for 2 months, positive or negative. Now, for our "real" world I would like to just ask that everyone respect the fact that we don't want to tell anyone and just don't ask. We will tell you when we are ready. If I am pregant I will be ready to tell the world around Christmas. So if you do not hear anything from me by then just assume I am too devastated to talk about it. I have positive thoughts though that I will be sharing some very exciting news and I can't wait to tell the world!

Financial Stress

2010-09-22T19:47:00.000-05:00

I had a moment today where I let jealousy and depression show it's horrid face. We have always been financially stable with extra money to do as we please. We make good financial decisions for our future and worked hard to have this luxury. Somewhere in the last few months this has been stripped from us and we now find ourselves wondering where gas money is going to come from and cancelling plans because we can't afford to go out. You can say that the financial strain from Infertility has finally set in. I know jealousy is a bad thing and God tells us not to be, but I have to admit that it is hard when i see so many others who don't have to spend thousands of dollars just to get pregnant. Or those who don't have to work for anything. Life seems like it comes so much easier to some. How is it fair that we can't even go have a date night because we are so broke from buying meds to "MAYBE" get pregnant. And don't get me wrong this is worth every dime to us because it is what we want and what we chose, but I wish we didn't have to put everything else on hold because of it. I just want a break from things. I want that reward. I'm ready for the reward.

Shots have been going good. My belly looks like a mini war zone, but that's ok. I have been giving them to myself and I'll let Robert do them every once and a while. He informed me last night that I better let him practice before the progesterone shots. The man has a point. One week from today is my first appointment. I can't wait!

Mexico Vacation

2010-09-21T13:45:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago we went on a family vacation to Mexico. It was much needed for the both of us to forget about our Infertility and money woes, and it couldn't have been better timing because I started the Lupron injections the Tuesday after we got back. We go to Mexico every summer. It is one of our most favorite things to do. There are absolutely no worries there!!! I don't really have much to say just wanted to share some pictures. I will be updated about IVF tonight. Enjoy

First Shot Down

2010-09-14T20:18:00.001-05:00

So tonight was the night I took my first Lupron injection. I have been so nervous for weeks knowing this was coming. Pretty sure my palms were even getting sweaty just now as I was waiting on Robert to get home from the gym. I will have to say that it turned in to quite a funny experience. I've been asking Robert all week if he was nervous and he kept telling me no. Well ha....that was a big lie. So 8:00pm hits and it was time. I asked him if he was ready and he said yes. I go grab the medicine out of the fridge and get my syringe and alcohol swab ready. We fill it up (we think we did anyway) and swab the injection site. Robert is about to come at my stomach at a straight up and down angle, so I inform him he might want to go in straight. So he gets on his knees and says, ok are you ready? One, two, three........and nothing. Ok lets try this again one, two, three....and nothing. We both start laughing and he says I don't even like needles myself. I asked if he wanted me to just do it and he said no I'll do it. We take a deep breathe, one, two, three and in it goes. It was over in two seconds. Of course I felt it, but it really wasn't painful. Whew I am so relieved to have that first one over with. It will be a piece of cake for the next two weeks of these shots. I took a picture of my counter. Pretty sure it looks like I'm running a drug ring. This is just the syringes and needles. I have the meds out in the extra fridge. On a side note, OU football finally started so I thought I would throw in a pic of us from the game. BOOMER SOONER!!!

Meds Check

2010-09-03T17:29:00.001-05:00

I finally got all my meds ordered and most are on their way. It wasn't of course without some freak out moments and high stress. The first mail order pharmacy they called my prescriptions in to said my insurance wasn't covering them and she proceeded to tell me that one of them....are you ready......was $2200. I about fell over. Actually more like almost started bawling. I was thinking how could they not cover and oh no I'm going to have to cancel my IVF cycle. Come to find out my insurance makes you go through their mail order company for specialty drugs. Whew. So I have 4 meds on the way for a total of $286. I also got my progesterone ordered which they said would cost me no more than $90. So to keep track we are now at a total of $554. I still have (i think) about 4 more coming. Big sigh!! It's going to be worth it, it's going to be worth it, it's going to be worth it.

Mock Transfer Equals OUCH

2010-08-27T09:25:00.001-05:00

I have my appointment yesterday for my mock transfer and bloodwork. They do an ultrasound to measure things and then they do a mock transfer which is just as it sounds. They get the measurement for how far the little catheter type thing will be going in. The Dr started off by saying how it wont feel much different from my inseminations. Um that was a lie. It took my breath away twice and I'm pretty sure I squealed. You know I would rather not know what it is going to feel like prior. Now I have to go in to the real transfer knowing. Although he assured me again that the real one wont hurt as bad because I wont be on my period and they will have me take two advil before I come in. Not sure if I want to believe him this time. lol. They also had a chance to look at my ovaries and take a guess of how many eggs they should be able to retrieve. He counted 7 on the right and 9 on the left. That's a pretty good number if you ask me. I just got done taking my first birth control pill and my anitbiotic. I can say for the first time in 36 months that I know for a fact that I will not be pregnant this month. The birth control thing still weirds me out. It's so random that to get pregnant they want me to take birth control that prevents pregnancy. Crazy concept. Robert started his antibiotics today too. They were nice enough to give us a substitute of the ZPack because the other meds make you sensitve to sun and we will heading to Mexico in a week!!! Our pocket book took a big hit yesterday. Here is what we have spent so far and it is only day 3:

Dr Visit for Mock Transfer - $20.00
Blood work for me and Robert- $88.00
Birth Control Pills- $50.00
Antibiotics for me and Robert-$20.00

That's a grand total of $178.00. Ouch. I know we are fortunate enough to have insurance covering most of this, but man this is a lot of money to us and It's just begun. Bring it on though! We are both so ready for our miracle. We look at babies and can't help but have this huge smile knowing that COULD be us very soon. If this works my dute date would be sometime in June 2011. I've always wanted a summer baby!

IVF...Here We Come

2010-08-25T18:48:00.000-05:00

As you can probably tell by the title of my post, I got a visit today from a very unwelcomed guest. My cousin called to check up on me and asked how I felt about it. Was it easier this month than last knowing that I'm moving on to bigger and better? Honestly, I don't really know. While I was waiting to start the emotions were just so much different because the outcome this time was different. I wasn't just moving on to the next cycle, we were moving on to In Vitro. I'm excited and dissapointed at the same time. I told Robert on the way home today that I never thought it would come to this. He agreed. This is technically the end of Fertility treatments. There isn't anything else we can do help get pregnant after this. What if it doesn't work? I'm going to really try and keep a positive outlook. I'm thinking triplets :) So we will be taking applications for free live in nannys. I thought I would give ya'll an outline of when things will happen. I'm really hoping to document all of this through my blog. Oh and ps. Amber I hope you are ready for me to come over every night at 8pm so you can give me my shots. Not sure that I trust Robert yet lol. JK I know you have an amazingly beautiful daughter that you will be taking care of. Congrats again!!!!! Ok here is the rough timeline:

8/27/10 Begin birth control and antibiotics
9/14/10 Begin Lupron injections 8PM every night
9/27/10 Suppression Check
9/27/10 (week of) start FSH 8AM and HMG 8PM every day
10/4/10(approx week of) Every other day appointments to watch follicles
10/6/10 (approx) HCG trigger shot
10/8/10 (approx) Egg Retrieval and Fertilization Begin Progesterone shot daily
10/9/10 receive call to see how many eggs fertilized
10/11/10 Embryo Transfer (2 eggs)
10/11/10-10/13/10 Bedrest
10/16/10 Appt to check Progesterone level
10/22/10 Am I pregnant???? Blood test

October seems so far away, but I know it will fly by. I have decided that we will be freezing our eggs. I don't know if insurance will cover this so I might have a house to sell if anyone is looking. I could use a ton of prayers through all of this. Thanks in advance. You all have been an amazing support to me. I hope you know how much it is valued.

IVF Class

2010-08-19T19:51:00.000-05:00

Well we had our official IVF class on Tuesday. We walked in not knowing what to expect and thinking it would probably be a little overwhelming. We were both surprised by the amount of people and the variation of ages. We had 10 couples and the ages ranged from probaby about 25-35. It wasn't at all as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. Actually it was quite amusing to be in a room with so many men and be openly talking about menstrual periods. Probably even more crazy that all these men knew about everything the nurse and embryologist were talking about and they were the ones with questions!!!! 3 years ago they probably didn't even know what ovulation was. We didn't learn much more in the class than we read in our packet. Seemed like they just talked about A LOT of shots. Or maybe that is all I could think of. The success rate right now for IVF is 68% with a 30% chance of twins and 3% chance of triplets. I'm actually ok with these statistics. If God wants me to have 3 little babies, so be it.

There is one big thing that I am struggling with big time. We have the choice to freeze our eggs for later use. Part of me does not think this is morally right. My struggle comes though with the fact that at the Bennett Fertility Clinic they are not allowed to dispose of eggs. So if I choose ahead of time not to freeze any than they are only allowed to fertilize the amount of eggs (give a few) I want put back in, and there is a chance that they would not delevop to transfer to me. If we do decided to freeze them it is roughly $3000 for the first year then about $47 a month after until you decide what to do with them. There are a couple of options if we did not use those eggs. We could donate them to research, donate them to another couple, or they would insert them back in to me at a time when I am not ovulation so they would basically be disposed of by me or something like that. I would of course chose the 3rd. Those are still our babies, embryos or not. The goal is to not have to go through IVF again. I have this huge amount of hope that this is a one time thing for us. After this we hope to be that couple that the infertiles hate because we just can't quit getting knocked up. ok so I'm kidding. Anyway, I'm having a really really hard time with this decision and I have to decide pretty soon.

A Lot to Catch up on

2010-08-12T21:29:00.000-05:00

Wow where do I start. I'm getting really bad about posting here lately. I've been doing a fitness bootcamp at night so when I get home it's pretty much straight to bed. Ok, first. My grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer last week. This has been pretty hard to deal with. Actually, I'm not sure I know how to deal with it. I've never lost anyone in my family (minus my baby of course). Right now I'm just praying for God to either heal him or if it's time for him to go to heal my family and know he is in a better place. As of now he is not going anywhere though. He had surgery yesterday to remove 1/3 of his lung. He took a while to wake up, but when he did he was back to his witty self. He is doing amazing. Please just keep my family in your prayers.

I also had my 10 year high school reunion this past weekend. It was so much fun. I can't believe 10 years have gone by so quickly. I saw a lot of old friends. I still wish more would have came. Here is a pic of all the girls and me and my husband.

We did our 3rd and final IUI yesterday. This one actually was pretty painful. I'm not sure what was so different, but I cramped all night. I'm actually thinking I ovulated the day before which would be the earliest I think I have ever ovulated. Don't worry we have our bases covered ;). It's almost bittersweet knowing this is the last one. It has become such a part of me and who I am. At the same time I'm so happy to put this behind me. Even if we do have to move on to IVF at least it's something new and more promising. Prayers Prayers and more Prayers please.

A Little Overwhelmed

2010-07-30T16:50:00.000-05:00

If you've noticed a lack of my "i'm pregnant" post, it's because I"M NOT! Imagine that. I went in for my 3rd and final pre- IUI work up today. Nothing new to do this month. I did however discuss how we are ready to move on to IVF after this cycle if it doesn't work. My Dr. said he is willing to entertain the idea and sent me to get the IVF packet. I never thought reading material could get one person so overwhelmed and worked up. I knew that IVF was an invasive procedure, but reading the actual day to day steps just somehow hit me really hard. I actually starting crying reading it. Not only am I overwhelmed with the actual process, but I also have to figure out some way to go to frequent Dr. appointments and have surgery without telling work. I just moved to a new position and I really just don't want them knowing this part of my life. Most of it is because I don't want the constant questions and looks wondering if I'm pregnant yet. If you know what I mean? Another thing that hit me like a ton of bricks is the cost of things. Again, yes I knew how much it was, but now to see it broken down is crazy. We have to attend an IVF class on Aug 17th and just the class is $77.00. Then we will randomly be paying $44.00 (unless insurance covers this) for office visits such as getting tested for HIV, Hepatitis, blood type, and cholesterol. Who does this to have a baby? Us apparently. And not to mention the enormous amount of meds I will be on and have to pay for. So next time we tell you we can't afford hamburger buns, we have a reason. I have been spending a lot of time in prayer lately. I am trying to come to better terms with why we are going through this. Why we have to sacrifice so much when others don't. I just keep picturing holding our baby for the first time and know that this will all be worth it someday.

If this IUI doesn't work I will start the IVF process which starts with birth control pills (ironic yes) on August 28th. My surgery for retrieval of my eggs would be around October 9th and the transfer would take place around 3-5 days later. That would put me finding out around October 23rd. Seems like so far away.

Thank You Self Magazine

2010-07-26T20:28:00.000-05:00

I subscribe to Self magazine and was pleasantly suprised when I received the August 2010 issue. They covered a 5 page (yes 5 page) story on a womans struggle with infertility and the shame that goes with it. It went on to talk about infertility being a disease, just like cancer, that no one wants to talk about. There are groups out there trying to bring awareness to it and to raise money and beg governments for more research, but they have no one rallying behind them. Why are we so ashamed of this? It's not like we chose it. It doesn't make us any less of a human being. What it has done is made us stronger and honestly more appreciative. I am not ashamed of my infertility. Oddly enough it has become a part of me and it has shaped me to be the person I am right now. I am proud of how much love and appreciation I will have for our child because I know the struggle and heartache it took to have that child in my arms. For those of you struggling with infertility please speak out. Go pick up a copy of this magazine and read the story. After you have done that you can go to www.self.com and make your comments and they will become part of the CDC's National Action Plan to address the causses of prevention and infertility.

Thank you to Self for putting this out there for others who do not know what we go through to read. I know there are a lot of people out there that think having children is a choice, but I would like to see those very same people striped of their right to have a child and see what they think then. It's easy to judge and make your opinions when you've never walked in that persons shoes.

A Wonderful Father

2010-07-15T20:17:00.001-05:00

I don't even know where to begin to tell you how great of a father Robert is going to be. He has such a passion for kids. He is so caring and loving. So non judgmental and open. It brings tears to my eyes to sit and daydream about us having kids and how amazing he is going to be. He deserves to be a father. What if I can't ever give that gift to him? What if he never becomes a father? I can only imagine the questions he has in his mind about all of this. We know several absent fathers. Why did they get that blessing when they don't even appreciate or want it. They don't deserve it. Robert deserves it. He deserves to tear up while seeing his child for the first time. He deserves to have the overwhelming feeling of love. Not only is my heart breaking for me, but it breaks for him too. He stays so strong through all of this. I know he does it for me and I appreciate it. He is my rock through this. He has kept me going when I want to quit. I am forever grateful to God for sending him to me. Whether we have children or not at least I know that I have one incredible blessing in life. My husband.

On a side note, I will do my 2nd IUI tomorrow morning. Lots of prayers please.

This is Scary

2010-07-04T08:38:00.000-05:00

I can remember dreading that yearly appointment with my lovely OB/GYN. It was horrible and not something I looked forward to. I would go sit in the waiting room all clamy because it was mortifying knowing you were about to go put your legs up in stirrups and let a complete stranger be in your business. Oh and it's even better when they have students in there. Well I had my vaginal ultrasound on Friday before I can start my Femara. While I was driving home it dawned on me that I don't even think twice anymore about that being uncomfortable. It's like it has become second nature to strip down and let a Dr be in my business. I don't get nervous or uncomfortable anymore. I find this very troubling and had to share. LOL.

MIA

2010-06-30T19:41:00.000-05:00

I know I have been missing lately, but I have a good reason for it. Our house got struck by lightning and it blew out all of our electronics. So needless to say I have been without a computer for a month while we have been trying to deal with the insurance company. I am up and running now though. I feel like there is so much I need to catch up on. Where to start. Ok we decided to pull the for sale sign out of our front yard. Money just seems to be getting tighter and tighter and we want to be able to still enjoy things in life. There was no necessary reason for us moving, so we will be staying a little longer. And maybe in a couple years a certain you know who will not be running our country and we will actually get the money we work hard for.

We also made a huge decision today. We have decided to do IVF. I don't want to get in to too many details of why we decided this because for now I feel like that's between me and my husband, but let's just say the heartache of hearing all the "oops" has finally taken its toll on both of us. We will be doing two more IUI's first, but if those don't work then we will be starting the IVF process in September. I'm extremely scared to think about us doing this. I don't know if my biggest fear is the $15,000 it will cost, the daily self injections, or the heartache of the possiblity of someone telling me it didn't work. We only have one try at this. Our insurance will only cover one. I never thought I would see the end of the "treatment" road. What happens after this? Do we just keep trying for 5 more years? The emotional roller coaster I have been on for 3 years now has been bad, but I can't even begin to fathom all the emotions that I will feel with this.

I wanted to explain the process a little just in case there are those who read my blog that don't know. I will talk to my Dr more about everything on Friday, but this is what I understand so far.

I will take birth control pills for three weeks. Then for the next two weeks I will give myself a daily injection of lupron. I then go in for an ultrasound to make sure my eggs are ready for fertility injections . Then in the 6th week I will take several injections per day to stimulate my eggs. During that 6th week I go to the dr several times for ultrasounds and blood work. During the 7th week I will go in to have the egg retrieval. I have to be sedated for this. I will then wait 3-5 days until my eggs are ready and they will be inserted back in me. I then I have to basically be on bed rest for 2 days. Now if this doesn't sound like a romantic way to conceive a child......

I'm literally in tears thinking that this is how we have to have a child. I have asked God why so many times. I am praying so hard that it happens before this. But if it doesn't and we have to do this at least I know without a doubt that no one can question on us on how bad we want a child.

Faith Tested

2010-05-29T21:54:00.000-05:00

Most people won't touch this topic, but I'm going to. FAITH! Over my life time I've been taught to have faith. It's what I've read in the Bible and learned in church. It's all been simple until it's been tested. One or two times it was easy. It was like ok God, I can do this. Throw it at me. Then there comes a point though when that 15th time (and I'm not exaggerating) becomes too much. It all goes out the door. How can you be the one who has the most faith out of anyone you know and still get handed the most painful punishment? Where does your commitment to faith or lack there of come in? How does our God work that way? Does he say ok I'm going to make you struggle and test your faith, the one who has been faithful to me.While the couple down the road who has never stuggle to have a child and never had faith in God can ask for forgivness on their death bed and go to Heaven? I don't get it anymore. And honestly I'm not sure if I have faith anymore. I know this is going to kill my parents if they read it, but honestly how can I? I have watched so many people around me get what they want (and in some cases not what they want). We're still here. Ground zero. Still with the thought that even if we do get pg again, will it be a cruel joke? Like haha tricked you again? Suffer some more pain because you haven't suffered enough. I still believe in God and I will NEVER turn my back on that, but the faith I have is slowly fading away.

Lets Catch Up

2010-05-21T10:51:00.000-05:00

Sorry, I've been really bad about blogging lately. I think I've ran out of emotions. First let me tell you how Mothers Day went for me. The best part of the day was when my wonderful husband brought me home flowers and a card (from the puppies). It was so sweet of him to think of doing that. As soon as I read the card my emotions just let lose. I BAWLED my eyes out. I had been bottling up all that I was feeling and I finally just let it go. He thought that he had done something wrong. hah men. They are so funny sometimes. He told me he was scared to bring them because he didn't know if it was the right thing to do. I hate that he even has to question that. I wish it was just simple and he could bring me flowers with joy because I am the mother of our child, but I'm technically not. Even though we know we have a child in heaven. That wasn't my only melt down. We went to his moms and celebrated and I was fine there, but then we went to my parents. When we were telling them bye I just busted out again. I cried hard that time. Like can't catch your breath hard. There is just so much pain involved with Infertility and Miscarriage that you can't understand unless you have been there. I know all these people around me feel so sad for me. I really try not to place that burden on my friends or parents, but sometimes I just need to get it out. By the way thank you Marie. I had another good cry with her too the same night. So enough about my emotional mess.

The other thing that happened big in our life recently is we decided to sell our house. We have found some land that we want to build our next home on. Hopefully it will sell soon and we will be "semi" country folk by next year. It makes me really sad to think about not living in this house. This is where we started our journey. There are so many memories here in just 3 short years. But once we move maybe it will be like a fresh start.

I'll try and keep up more. Maybe something exciting will happen soon :)

Can We just Skip This One

2010-05-07T11:02:00.000-05:00

This week has been a really rough week in the fertility department. I have been in the last week of the wait to see if I'm pg, all the while knowing I'm not because of my temps. Today my temp took a nose dive which means my period is on the way. Perfect. Just in time for Mothers Day. And not just any Mothers Day. The Mothers Day I was suppose to have a 6 month old baby. I was suppose to be a first time mom this year. I was suppose to get recognized. Instead I will be fighting back tears every second on Sunday. I really would like to just skip this Mothers Day and sit at home and have a good cry. I've kept this pain pretty hidden over the past few months. I've thought I was fine. I had thought I found new hope with the surgery, but what I have found is that all to familiar pain. I feel very alone. Just in the past couple of weeks there have been more babies born and more pregnancy announcements. I'm so happy for these people, but I hate that it's a reminder to me just how long we have been trying. I need a vacation from life right now, but since we've racked up a $1200 bill that is what our money will be going to. This just doesn't seem fair sometimes. We work hard, we deserve to treat ourselves. Why is it that we have to pay for a child? Is it not enough that we have to suffer month after month. Shouldn't we be able to afford to take a break? I just want it all to go away.

Have You Missed Me

2010-04-24T10:16:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I have posted. Honestly it's because I really haven't been thinking about this infertility crap! I started a fitness bootcamp two weeks ago and I've really just been focused on getting back in shape and healthy again. I didn't temp at all the first part of the month. I kept setting my thermometer out and when I would wake up I was too lazy to stick it in my mouth. I finally picked it back up on cd 13 because I was having some mid cycle spotting and was worried it was from ovulation and I would miss it. But it wasn't, so I'm not sure what that was about. I'm on cd 16 right now and haven't ovulated yet, which is pretty late for me. I'm sure I will within the next few days and it's on to the wait again. I really think I'm at a point that I don't care if I get pg in the next few months. Like I said in my earlier post, I'm really just tired of it all. Quite honestly it's been really refreshing to not be worrying about it. Another big reason I don't really care right now is because we have about $1600 in medical bills. $1200 of that is from my surgery. Another $200 is from Robert's portion of our IUI. People who know me know I freak out when I have outstanding bills. Don't get me wrong I will still probably cry if I am not pg this month, but at least the in between isn't so bad right now.

Today is one year since we found out that our baby hadn't survived. I honestly don't think I will ever forget how painful that day was. I will say that I am very proud of how far we have come since that day. Both emotionally and in our marriage. As much as that day hurt for both of us I wouldn't change a thing. I still trust that this is God's plan for us. I said it right after and I'll say it again. I feel so blessed that God chose this journey for us.

Can I Take It Back?

2010-04-09T08:10:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wish no one knew what we were going through. I feel like the first thing people are thinking when they see me is "is she pg yet?", "should I ask questions?". I wish I could keep this all between me and my husband now. I don't regret telling people because the support has been amazing over the past 2 years, but now that we are closing in on 3 years I'm just kind of tired of talking about it. I'm tired of thinking about it, obsessing over it, and letting it control me. I don't want to put on that fake smile and say yes I know it will happen eventually. Truth is, I don't know that. No one knows that. In two weeks we will officially be considered infertile for the 2nd time. (you know the definition a couple trying for at least a year) I can't believe it's almost been a year since our baby was taken from us. I'm crying as I type this because I miss our baby so much. I never thought that we would still be here a year later empty handed and brokenhearted. It hurts to stop and think about how much time has really passed and the babies that have been born and the ones who are about to celebrate their 2nd birthday. I'm ready to move on from this "attachment" to our marriage. I just want to be Robert and Kandice again.

"Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see" Hebrews 11:1

This Is Where We Are

2010-03-26T14:59:00.001-05:00

I had my follow up appointment with our RE yesterday. He repeated most of what I already knew. I even got pictures of my insides. How cool is that. Infertility Rocks. Um no it doesn't, but that was probably one of the coolest things to see besides hubby's sperm swimming. He gave us the ok to try again and he wants us to do it on our own for a few months. I was so happy to hear him say that because that is exactly what Robert and I wanted to do. I would love nothing more than to be able to conceive on our own. And with me starting a new job I wouldn't really be able to randomly take off for treatments. I have new hope and it feels amazing. It feels like I am almost back to the early months of trying. We all know mentally that's not the truth, but for the first time in a long time I feel like we have a chance again. So please continue to keep us in your prayers. We'll see what the next few months bring.

This is an article I wanted to include. I got if off another blog. I would encourage you to read it. It explains so well what couples with infertility deal with on a daily basis.
http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie

And the Conclusion Is

2010-03-20T19:49:00.000-05:00

I have stage I endometriosis on my ovaries. The procedure went really well and the Dr. was able to laser it all off. They found that both my tubes are open and working properly. YAY!! I'm not sure what this means exactly. Like if this could have been the cause of our Infertility or not. I will be meeting with the Dr. on Thursday and will get to ask questions. My number one question will be if we are able to try this month. We are restricted from intercourse right now until he gives us the clear. I'm a little nervous because Thursday will be cd 14 and I hope I haven't ovulated by then. I feel more at ease now. The final test is over and now I feel like I have some breathing room. I want to thank my husband for being such an amazing man and taking care of me. My parents were also there to support me and I hope they know how much that means. This week I have also realized how many wonderful friends I have. I got so many texts before and after my surgery. I love you all, and thank you so much for your support. Thank you Lord for all I have been blessed with.

Things Are Changing

2010-03-16T19:05:00.000-05:00

Well I think my bad luck streak is officially over. I got a call on Monday morning when I arrived to work telling me that they would like to offer me a new position. This could not have come at a better time as I think I was about to be laid off due to the sale of my division. So I hope this is the start of good things to come in 2010.

I also would like to mention that even though I have surgery on Friday and will be actively trying to conceive this month, I have not even really thought about my infertility. I should be temping, but I can't even remember to do it in the morning. I can't tell you how much of a difference it has made in me over the past month. I have been thinking like a fertile person. I've made decisions based on what I want to do, not "well I might be pregnant". And get this. I shed no tears or thought twice about starting my period last month. It hasn't been what defines me lately and it's been nice.

God works in the most strange ways. I am so thankful to Him. I have trust again.

"God is the light that shows me the way, for there is nothing that God cannot do"

Rescheduled

2010-03-08T17:11:00.000-06:00

I just got off the phone with the nurse and my surgery has been rescheduled for March 19th. I"m so excited. Now I need your prayers that I will be better by then. It's two weeks away. Let's hope so.

An update on my weight loss. I am stuck at 5 lbs. I didn't even eat a whole lot over the weekend and I still didn't lose weight. (because I was sick people, not starving myself). I really need to work a little harder at this. Man getting older sucks.

Quick Update

2010-03-04T13:31:00.000-06:00

Well as if I didn't have enough bad luck coming my way here's some more. I have been sick the past few days with what I think is the flu. So needless to say I can't have my surgery tomorrow. I should be really pissed right now, but I'm not. I think having this break has been kind of nice, and I don't mind extending it out a little longer. Trust the Process!

Can I Get a Break Please

2010-02-28T07:39:00.000-06:00

It's the old saying, "when it rains it pours". I mean seriously I just want one thing to go right. Give me that new job I've been wanting, pay raise, positive pg stick, free mortgage. (ok that's a little extreme) We did our taxes yesterday and guess how much we are getting back?....... NOTHING! We owe. Guess how much we owe? $622. REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS GOVERNMENT!!! And you know what the biggest slap in the face is? If we had a child we would probably be getting money back. Well guess what Obama, we're trying. Does that count for anything? I know it's life, but I just need to get my frustrations off my chest. And I will leave with the bottom line. LIFE ISN'T FAIR!

This is my Story

2010-02-25T10:31:00.000-06:00

This Sunday will mark a year since I found out I was pg with our first child. I had told Robert a few days before we found out that I thought I was. For some reason I just had a feeling that month. I woke up that Saturday morning and took a test. I had actually been bummed two days before because I had gotten a negative. I sat the pee stick down that morning (12dpo) and didn’t expect anything from it. After all I had been through this 18 times before and I knew the disappointment I thought I was about to feel. I finished up my business and picked it back up. There was a line and not just a control line that has shown up before, no this was a second line. I was wondering if I was seeing things at first. But I knew I wasn’t. I kept quiet because I wanted to kind of surprise Robert. I took it to the living room and hid it under the blanket. When he came in I pulled it out and showed him. He couldn’t believe it. He gave me the most passionate kiss I have ever received from him. It was like a release. Finally we could enjoy each other and not have “baby making” in the FRONT of our minds. I was ready to tell the world, but he wanted me to take a few more tests to make sure that there really was a second line that would keep appearing. Sure enough, it did.

I had thought of a way I wanted to tell my parents that involved our puppies. I bought some baby t-shirts from Target and went and got iron on letters from Hobby Lobby. I put Big Brother on the back. We invited my parents to go to dinner that night and afterwards we asked if they wanted to come in. As soon as we got in I said oh you have to see these shirts we bought for the dogs. So I went in the bedroom and dressed them up and then let them loose. My parents were just saying oh they look so cute. They weren’t quite catching on. I said did you see what it says. As soon as they read it there eyes both just starting swelling with tears. We also went and told his family that day. They were really excited too. They haven’t had a baby in the family for a while.

Flash forward 4 weeks and we are at our first appointment. Still naïve as ever. Seeing our baby on that screen and hearing its heartbeat was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. That was our baby. Our life that we created together. I didn’t realize at that point that that would be the last time we ever saw our baby.

During the next 4 weeks I experienced morning sickness ALL DAY, headaches, bloating, sore boobs. All the things that infertiles long to feel. I ate a Taco Bell bean burrito almost ever night because it was the only thing that ever sounded good. I never had a single sign or thought that something was wrong. At 10 weeks I was already starting to get a little pooch. I was so excited that I would be showing soon. I have always loved pg bellies and mine was going to be one soon.

April 24th, 2009 turned out to be the absolute worst day of my life. It started off very exciting. I was so happy to be able to hear our baby’s heart beat again. The day before the Art’s Festival was in town so my girlfriends, Robert, and I all went to eat lunch. One of them even commented on my boobs getting big already. Sweet! I think somehow Robert knew that day that everything wasn’t ok. He just kept telling me that he hoped the appointment went well tomorrow. I thought surely nothing could be wrong because I had had morning sickness and my tummy was growing. Wouldn’t I have spotted if something was wrong? The next day I headed to the Dr. I was alone that day because Robert had just started his new job and we thought it was a minor appointment he could miss. P.S. I will never go to a Dr. appointment without him again. As soon as I walked back to the room and laid on the table for them to hear the heartbeat I got an overwhelming sense of fear. I think even I at that point I could feel something was wrong. The assistant couldn’t find the heartbeat. The PA came in and tried and couldn’t either. They were very encouraging that sometimes you can’t find it on the Doppler that early. Although I was almost 12 weeks. They sent me for an ultrasound at the hospital. They couldn’t tell me the results there because of HIPPA laws or whatever, but I should have known when she asked me if I was sure of how far along I was.

I now had to wait for the PA to call me. I went to my friend Tricia’s office to kill some time before I had to go pick Robert up from work. I will never forget the moment that phone rang and the PA’s voice on the other end. I’m not sure I even know what she said to me, but I know that right there I knew what she was about to tell me. My heart sank. How could this be happening to me? Why would God do this? We worked hard for this child. We don’t deserve this. So many emotions and thoughts were running through my head. I called Robert and told him I needed to come pick him up. Then I called my dad and just sat there and asked why. My Dad prayed for me and Robert right there on the phone. He’s always been good at being the spiritual leader.

Robert and I went home that day and just held each other and cried. The next few days were extremely hard. I would just randomly bust out in tears. Even in the middle of the night. I would just wake up and start bawling. The pain was so much to handle. I have amazing friends and family that sent us flowers, brought us food, and just sent text letting us know that they were thinking about us. You are all amazing and we are so blessed to have you in our lives. I had my D&C on that Monday April 27th. That’s when it became official. My dream was over just like that.

I never thought I would be here a year later with a Clomid round, 3 Femara rounds, IUI, laparoscopic surgery, and several born babies and still not holding our own child. If you would have asked me 2 ½ years ago when we started this if I would have imagined that I would be this strong. I would have told you no way. But you know what? I am strong. I have endured, and I will prevail. I will not let this get the best of me, my marriage, or my faith. I AM STRONG.

Me Against the World

2010-02-16T18:56:00.001-06:00

Is it me or is every single person pg? I mean even the infertiles are all pg now. Don't get me wrong I am EXTREMELY happy for them, but come on. Did it have to happen all at once where I feel like the lone ranger left behind. All of the girls except one on my pregnancy boards are pregnant. And the one who isn't just started trying again so I'm sure she'll be knocked up soon. Then it seems like every blog I've read lately is saying "I'm pregnant"And not to mention anytime I open Facebook, walk in to a store, or even walk in to work it's a pregnant lady fest. Close your legs people....ok ok that was a joke. I know I sound like a complete mean girl here, but I'm not mad at the preggos. When I say I'm happy for them I really truely am. I've said it a million times. I would never wish for anyone to feel this pain. I'm just emotionally drained from watching everyone else get to feel the greatest joy in life and trust me I've watched a lot!

Dear Belly Fat.....You Suck

2010-02-12T13:30:00.001-06:00

Since I am officially on a mandatory break from TTC due to the laproscopy I am going on a mandatory diet. Ok I’m the one making it mandatory, but seriously it’s much needed. I cleaned out my closet the other day and pulled out about 20 pairs of jeans, slacks, skirts, and shorts that if I would lose about 15 lbs I could fit back in to. That’s a whole new wardrobe folks. And not to mention the tight little tube tops that I love wearing in the summer time, that I can no longer wear because I have a gut. It’s time to take charge! So I will not be large hah. I like my rhyme. So anyway, my goal for now will be 10 lbs by the time I have my surgery on March 5th. This is a very attainable goal. I am going to try and post some pics too of before and after. Of course with clothes on. You will be able to tell in my face. That’s usually where I lose/gain weight noticeably first. So wish me luck. I’m not very good at dieting these days.

Just One Day

2010-02-09T15:04:00.000-06:00

I think us infertiles should be allowed one day a month to just stay at home and kick things, throw things, curse things, and just simply bawl our eyes out until be can’t breathe and our eyes are swollen shut. Is that too much to ask? This is what I feel like doing the one day that the stupid hag decides to show and crush my dreams of motherhood one more month. But I can’t. I have to put myself together in the morning makeup and all and go to work and act like my life is perfect. Like I’m the happiest person in the world who has everything. Man, if these people I came in contact with every day only knew the slightest amount of pain I feel they would be in disbelief. I’m just ready for this pain to stop. I want to cry tears of joy not tears of heartache. Enough is enough.

All Time Low

2010-02-05T19:21:00.000-06:00

I just have to share my dream with you to let you know just how bad it has gotten. I was at a dinner party with a bunch of random people. Topic of discussion equalls getting impregnated. I sat there at the head of the table while everyone around shared there stories about how quick and easy they got pregnant. The last one I remember was the pastor who married us saying heck we got pregnant while on birth control. I immediately began to tear up in my dream, but had to fake a smile to not let anyone know that their success caused me pain. Ahhh... so this is literally my every thought now. Even when I'm asleep.... SIGH

Rules of the Infertile

2010-01-30T08:42:00.000-06:00

So for those of you who don't have to suffer through infertility, let me just give a few examples of what us infertiles are not allowed to do.

No drinking
No caffeine
No smoking
No strenuous exercise (could cause you not to ovulate)
No bagged popcorn (it has now been linked to Infertitly)
Men have to wear boxers
Men can't get the boys hot it kills sperm
Men can't drink caffeine
Can't use the bathroom after intercourse (you may flush your children down)
Can't get up after intercourse for at least 30 min
Can't lay flat after intercourse (must prop up or they may not swim)
Can't have casual sex because must be prepared for a full week of intecourse
And the last for now is you really can't enjoy life to the fullest when the one thing that would define your life you can't have

All the while the 16 yr old girl down the street just got knocked up while smoking crack, drunk off her butt and peed immediately after.

Please Lord Let This Work

2010-01-28T08:08:00.000-06:00

So I got my positive OPK yesterday. Right on time CD 14. Robert and I went in to the Dr about 2:00pm. I was honestly expecting the worst. Everything could have gone wrong. My follicle couldn't have been big enough yet meaning we would have to come in a day or two later (and we all know we are getting a big ice storm), I could have been ovulating off my left side (which could be blocked), sperm count could have not been good, etc.... God was on our side yesterday! I had a beautiful follicle that was getting ready to release on my right side! YAY GO ME! Robert went and did his thing. Let me just stop and brag about him a bit. You only need 2 million sperm to do an IUI. He had 11 million. We will now call him super sperm. Ok back to business. I got the IUI about 4:00pm. Good news is I'm pretty sure I felt ovulation around 8:00pm last night and I had a temp rise this morning. I really hope they were in there ready for my egg! Everything seems perfect this cycle. Now it's just time for that dreaded two week wait. I can only imagine what kind of symptoms I'm going to come up with now.

Update

2010-01-15T19:57:00.000-06:00

So today I marched my happy little butt in the Dr's office and told them what I wanted. Ok so I didn't really go in that stern. It was just the nurse today and I think that might have worked out to my benefit. I felt very comfortable talking to her about my concerns and what I wanted to do next. So here is the plan. I will continue the Femara and Progesterone, but I will go in this time on the day of my positive opk. I will then have an ultrasound to check my follicles. As long as my dominate follicle is in my right ovary (because apparently my left one is bad...we'll come back to this in a second) then we will do an IUI. For those of you who do not know what this is, let me explain a bit. Basically my wonderful husband will have to give a little sample of his swimmers. They will then let it brew for an hour (not sure why, but we'll go with it). They will then inject his sperm directly in to my uterus through a syringe thingamabob or something like that. Oh the pleasures of having a child...oh wait I don't..... I really don't know how much our chances increase with this procedure, but I do know that if it doesn't work I have a laproscopy scheduled for March 5th to check for endometriosis. Now back to the bad ovary. So if you remember from an earlier post, I got my results of my HSG from my OB/GYN. I was a little annoyed by the fact that it said one of my ovaries may not have spilled over and have adhesions. Well apparantely I may have had a reason to be mad. The nurse now seems to think I have a bad ovary. So I will now patiently wait to have the laproscopy and if they find something (insert word) will hit the fan. I will find out why I was NEVER told these results.

I am really excited to finally be taking steps forward. I feel like I am finally getting listened to. I know I ask this a lot, but please keep us in your prayers. Not only for a baby, but just finacially because I don't know how far this is going to have to go. We have amazing insurance, but eventually the maximum is going to run out.

And Here Starts Another Month

2010-01-15T09:08:00.000-06:00

Well i'm sure it's no surprise that I am not pg once again. I have so many negative things to say right now, but I"m trying to be a more positive person so I will keep them to myself for now. If I feel the need to rant in a couple of days then you will hear them and there is a very good chance of that. I'm going back to the RE today to start my 3rd and final round of Femara. I am going to demand he do a laproscopy as well to check for endometriosis. At this point I am thinking they will find something. I just don't believe that after 2 1/2 years of doing everything perfect that this is just not happening by chance or "statistics" as the Dr would say. I'm ready to move on to further treatment and do everything we can to have our child. This means scaling back on a lot of things we love because this is about to get very pricey. I know it will be worth every penny spent. By the way, we are back at church and my faith is increasing again. I know I cannot do this without God. Please keep Robert and I in your prayers. This journey really is starting to wear heavily on both of us.

Babies

2010-01-10T08:11:00.000-06:00

While I hope to someday be posting about our actual babies, I dont' see that happening anytime soon. So I decided I would talk about my other babies. My puppies. I got the first one for my 25th birthday in 2007. I had shown a pic to my then fiance of a dog in boot. It was a long hair daschund. Robert came home one day and made me go in the bathroom. When I was allowed to open the door the first thing I saw was a little puppy in a boot. He was the cutest thing in the world. I was instantly in love. I will share a few pictures of him as a puppy. His name is Rylan.

Rylan used to come to work with me and this is what he would do all day. He was the sweetest dog in the entire world and still is. Now Bentley on the other hand I had a love/hate relationship with. I got him for Valentines Day in 2008. I had a new job so I didn't have the leisure of bringing him to work with me. So he stayed caged up as a puppy for 11 hours. As we all know puppies can't hold anything that long. I cleaned up poop every single day for about a month straight. Needless to say Bentley also got a bath every day for a month. He is a Chiweenie. Chihuaha/Daschund mix. He has a lot of Chihuaha qualities such as being skidish, barking non stop, and decides to pee on the floor occasionally. He is getting a lot better and we know have a very loving relationship. Here are some pics of him as a puppy.

These dogs make my day when I get home. We let them out of their cage and the excitement they have to see me is amazing. I really do feel so loved by them. These dogs sleep with us at night. Rylan and I spoon. Yes he sleeps in my little circle and lays his head on my pillow. So spoiled and Bentley sleeps at my feet. I don't want to imagine life without these dogs. They really are like our children. I hope they live a long loving life. I will leave you with some more pictures. I have about 300 of them, but for the sake of saving your day I will only post a few.

The Phone Call

2010-01-05T10:03:00.000-06:00

So I was sitting at work yesterday minding my own business when all of the sudden I get a phone call. I look down and it says Creative Kids. This is where we had put our name on the waiting list for our child to go to daycare. I couldn't bring myself to answer it. I listened to the message they left and it said they had an opening for our baby. WOW! Is it ever going to end? It dawned on me that yesterday would have been my first day back from maternity leave. For the most part I have moved on from the extreme pain and there are days that I forget what we have been through, but it seems like there is always going to be something lurking around the corner to remind me. I guess I am ok with this though becuase I don't want to ever forget. I don't want to be that person 5 years from now talking to someone who is going through what I went through and be so insensitive. I want to always remember this struggle. It has made me a better person.

Looking Forward to 2010

2009-12-31T08:11:00.000-06:00

I can honestly say this year has probably been one of the worst years of my life. We started out the year hopeful to get pg and we accomplished that in February only to have it taken away from us 12 weeks later. And of course we haven't been able to accomplish another pregnancy since. I have had 4 other friends have miscarriages this year as well. I also started out the year thinking I would be able to apply for better positions within my company. Well we all know the economy is crap which means there are no raises, promotions, or open positions. I am so ready to move on to 2010 where I hope to have a baby, a deeper relationship with Christ, a better career, and an even better marriage. Here's hoping!

Happy New Year

Careful What You Wish For

2009-12-29T12:29:00.000-06:00

So in my previous post I said that I pretty much didn't want to have Christmas this year. Well guess what. I got my wish. We got almost 2 ft of snow througout Christmas Eve, with about 5 ft snow drifts. Needless to say we pretty much got stuck at home. The Christmas Eve festivities at my grandpa's house were cancelled for the first time since I've been alive. We finally shoveled our way out mid morning Christmas day and try to head to my parents house. Everywhere we would turn there would be a car stuck. So we just went on to my in laws house. We spent the entire day there because my families festivities were about 40 miles away and we didn't want to chance it. I came home bawling because I was so upset that for the first time in 27 years I didn't get to spend Christmas with my family. My amazing husband surprised me though. He had called my parents, sister, and niece and nephew and asked them if they could come to our house. They showed up about 8:00pm. I was so excited. I love my family. That day made me realize how much I need them. Christmas is so different these days. I miss the days when it was about family (and Jesus of course). The older you get the more things really do change. I will never wish away a Christmas again. I am so blessed in my life and extremely grateful for what I have.

I thought I would include some pictures from the great snow storm of 2009.

Christmas Time

2009-12-23T08:52:00.000-06:00

So I've talked enough about infertility. Time for a happier time. I thought I would post some pics of our decorations. There aren't many so this will be quick.
Here is our Christmas Tree.n We are still in the hunt for a perfect topper.

And here are the lights on the outside of the house. It's kind of a crappy picture, but you get the point. Hubby and nephew did such a great job.

I hope everyone has Merry Christmas. And remember this season is about Jesus, not us!

I may have a condition

2009-12-19T08:23:00.001-06:00

So for those of you who don't know what it's like to be on this extremely, did I mention EXREMELY emotional journey you may be thinking I'm a bit bi-polar. I realize I go from one extreme to the next. One day I'm confident and the next day I'm hating life. I ensure you though that I am normal and healthy. :) Just had to clear that up haha.

Ok now to the plan for this month. I went to the RE on Thursday. He prescribed me Femara again and started in on you know we want these things to happen fast and really there is only a 20% chance of getting pg every month yada yada yada. So I kindly said well I think after 2 1/2 years I'm not so happy with those statistics. I want more. I told him about how I was on estrogen the month I got pg, so he said he is willing to try something new. So along with the Femara I will be taking a Progesterone Suppository. Yes you read that right. Twice a day at that. Oh and it has to be refrigerated. This is not going to be comfortable. Now does anyone else want to question if I really want kids? He did say I have to take at least 3 rounds of Femara before he will move on. So this is 2. Let's hope it doesn't go farther than that.

Loss for Words

2009-12-16T10:45:00.001-06:00

Well I haven't written in a while and it's simply because I don't have much to say. I'm really starting to feel numb these days. Today starts another month of failed attempts at getting pg. So let's see this makes us going on month 29. I guess you can minus 3 months since I was in fact pg at one point, but we see the outcome of that wonderful experience, so I choose not to deduct it. I'm internally struggling with going back to the RE and making him do more, but at the same time I want to accept that there is nothing wrong with us and it's just God's time. I struggle so hard these days to come to terms with that. I have been so patient. Why does He want to put any of His children through this much pain. None of it makes sense to me. I keep saying I'm going back to church, but I just can't find my faith. No matter what I do it's not there. It's gone. I literally feel like everything is crumbling around me. I don't even want to have Christmas this year. This will be our 3rd Christmas since we've been trying for a child. Still unsuccesful. Just another reminder when we wake up Christmas morning and there is only ours and our dogs stockings hanging. Just another reminder when we go watch my niece and nephew open "santa" gifts because we don't have a child of our own. I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't know how to cope.

Better Than Expected

2009-11-27T09:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. A day that I thought would be our childs first holiday with the family. I expected it to be a really tough day, but somehow I managed to block the thought out. It ran across my mind for a brief second and then it was gone. Somehow I have found a place where I can be content with this struggle. It's my choice to either dwell on it and be miserable or just go with the flow and accept it. I chose the later. It's been such a relief to not have my head and heart completely consumed in trying to have a child. I'm back in the gym, I've started tanning, i've forgotten to take my temp a couple of mornings. I can feel the stress taken off. I've actually been able to get a full nights sleep without waking up several times and stressing about forgetting to take my temperature. There is only one thing left that I need to work on. We still haven't been back to church. I wont lie. I am a woman of Christ, but I have still been angry with Him. It's time to let go and let God!!!!!

New Approach

2009-11-22T08:29:00.001-06:00

Ok so as you can tell from my last "angry" post I am not doing so well. With the holidays coming up it's not going to get much easier. I have come to the conclusion though that my life has to go on. I can't stop everything like I have for the past two years. There are trips we want to take, weight I want to lose, clothes I want to buy. So many things that I haven't done all because "what if I'm pregnant". I called the RE on cd 1 and never received a call back. I really didn't care though. It's time for me accept the fact that 2 Dr's (1 a specialist) have told us we are perfectly fine. It really is just a matter of time for us. I don't know if I've ever written this in a blog, but before we started trying I remember praying for patience. He is trying to answer my prayer and I'm not listening. It's time to take about 5 steps back. It's time to put my marriage in front of having a child and not having a child in front of my marriage. And it's time for a new prayer. Lord I prayer that your will be done.

It May Have Hit

2009-11-15T17:24:00.000-06:00

I've kept wondering when it's going to be too much to handle. I honestly think it might have finally happened. With passing my angel baby's due date and now the first month seeing the RE being a bust I just can't handle it right now. The pain is so great I can't even explain it. I've been crying today just out of nowhere. Life isn't suppose to be like this. Why does everyone else get to have their families and we don't. I've been patient. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of ALL of it. I'm tired of hearing people say "are you sure you want children" just after their child throws a fit or "it will happen when it's suppose to" or "you are an amazing person, God will bless you". Screw it all. There is nothing I have wanted more in my entire life than to become a mom, and I can't even make that happen. I really don't want to do this anymore.

In Memory

2009-11-11T07:54:00.000-06:00

So I promised some pictures of our plant. If I'm technology savy enough this will work lol. Ok here is the first picture of what it will look like when it blooms.

And here is the plant after we planted it in the pot.

Now the hard part. Keep it alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All around yesterday was a lot easier than I thought it would be. It is really hard emotionally to think that we should have a child right now, and yet we're still struggling to concieve. I had so many kind words and prayers yesterday from amazing people that kept me going. I really am blessed! Thank you all.

Lyrics

2009-11-10T13:23:00.000-06:00

These lyrics hit home today.

THOUGHT YOU'D BE HERE Words & Music by Wes King
We thought you’d be here by now
Your mother and I
We’re praying through our tears that somehow
We might hear your sweet cry
Have we waited too long
It’s getting harder to be strong
Is there something we’ve done wrong
But if you like dancing
I'll make it rain rhythm, and rhyme, and melodies, child
And if you like dreaming
Your mother will make your imagination run wild
Somehow, we thought you’d be here by now
We have a room just for you upstairs
It’s right down the hall
So we’ll be close should you ever get scared
We’ll come when you call
It’s a room full of stories
Waiting to be told
Longing to behold
And if you like laughing
I’ll paint you a circus of smiles and ferris wheels, dear
And if you like living
Your mother will fly you to worlds both far and near
Somehow…
I never knew the silence could make me so deaf
I never knew that I could miss someone I’ve never met
Miss someone I haven’t met yet
We’ll be waiting

Tommorow

2009-11-09T09:29:00.001-06:00

Well tomorrow is the day. Surprisingly I’m feeling very at peace with it. It may be a whole different story tomorrow, but for now I’m ok. We went out and bought a plant yesterday. We are going to keep it in a pot for now, then when spring comes we are going to create some sort of a memorial garden in our backyard. Robert made the comment yesterday, “can you believe we would be having a child this week?” It’s gone by so fast. It’s all the more reason for us when we do get pg to slow down and enjoy every minute of it. I still thank God for putting us through this because it has brought us to appreciate each other more and to know even more what a miracle a child is. I can’t wait to be holding our miracle.

I will post pictures tomorrow of our memorial plant.

Random Thoughts

2009-11-04T07:56:00.000-06:00

Thought #1 I was in the shower this morning doing my usual random thinking and it dawned on me how ironic this whole process is. We’ve spent so much time not wanting to get pg and trying to prevent it. Now we are spending loads of money and seeing specialists. Seriously we could have not worried about it that whole time because it obviously is not that easy for us to get knocked up.

Thought #2 So I have been getting a lot of emails lately from just different people whom I know, but they are my closest friends. I have completely cherished these emails and appreciate them so so much. Seriously these people don’t know how much their kinds words mean. The point of this thought is that I didn’t even know these people read my blog. I have a simple request. If you follow my blog will you become a follower? You can use a fake name if you would like, but it’s nice for me to see how many people actually read this.

Thought #3 I love Starbucks non fat vanilla lattes, but I really wish they weren’t so dang expensive.

Thought #4 It’s amazing how the people that don’t know you that well are the ones you feel like care most for your situation. Why is that? Shouldn’t it be your family and close friends? (I realize there are some of my family and friends that this thought excludes)

Thought #5 Ok this is more of an update on my cycle. I am now 4 dpo (days past ovulation). Oddly enough I will be testing on my angel baby’s due date. I technically am not suppose to start until November 13th, but I can’t resist. A positive test on that day could take some of the hurt away.

Another Perfect Test

2009-11-01T10:41:00.000-06:00

We just got back from our postcoital. Once again we are perfectly normal. Dr said he likes to see at least 3-5 sperm swimming in the cervical mucous and he saw about 10. We got to take a look at the slide and it was pretty amazing to see. I'm really glad everything turned out ok, but a little bummed that we really are that "perfect" and not conceiving a child. It just really proves that God is not ready.

Two more weeks and we'll know if this is our lucky month :)

Can't Shake It

2009-10-21T08:20:00.000-05:00

This weekend was a pretty rough weekend emotionally. I had no expectations of being pg, but I was still clinging on to hope. Saturday night I laid in bed crying knowing that I was going to start soon and my fear of not being pg before my due date was going to being staring boldly at me. I just can’t shake that that day is coming up. I should be meeting our child soon. Staring into its eyes for the first time. Feeling a love that you can’t explain. Instead I’m feeling a pain that is greater than anything I’ve ever felt. I feel completely empty. My husband is such a great support, but for some reason I feel like I want to shut him out right now too. I don’t want him to know how much pain I’m in. I want to be strong for him. He knows me better than anyone though so it’s hard to hide it from him. He told me he’s feels the same way. He’s hurting just like I’m hurting. We need to lean on each other. I just want that dreaded day to pass. Maybe I’ll plant something in memory of our child. I’m ready for the day when this pain won’t be so bad. I’m sure it’s coming soon.

As for the update on my infertility, I start taking Femara tomorrow. The postcoital test won’t be done until I get a positive OPK which should be some time around Halloween. I’m really hoping for it to fall on the weekend so I won’t have to wake up at 3am to get busy. Lol. I’m really hoping this is our lucky month. I’m really excited to be seeing the specialist. I really think it’s already made me relax more.

It's Getting Closer

2009-10-14T16:58:00.000-05:00

It hit me today that if I’m not pg this month then my due date will pass without me being pg. I really thought I would be by then. After it happened I remember saying I don’t know how I’m going to handle it if I’m not pg by my due date. I’ve been fine over the past couple of months as far as the miscarriage goes, but now I am 27 days away from my due date. I am about to see the people who were pg with me give birth to their babies while I will still have an empty uterus. I’ve been contemplating whether I need to take off that day or not. I’m not sure exactly how hard November 10th is going to be this year, but I’m thinking it’s not going to be very easy. I’m free to suggestions to keep myself busy that day. Oh and prayers!!!!

Got off Track a Little

2009-10-09T07:58:00.001-05:00

I found out a friend of mine is pg this week. I won’t lie and say it didn’t sting a little. Not because I’m not happy for her, but just because she was able to do it so easily. To some of you who have never been through this you may not understand, but for those of us who have it’s the hardest thing to explain. When I text her to tell her congratulations we had a little conversation about life and she said some things were going on with her family. I didn’t ask much more because we are suppose to have dinner next week. Well in the meantime I have learned that her dad has been diagnosed with cancer. He was given a year to live. He is going to go to Texas to have a surgery that will add another year on to his life. So two years is what they are giving him. My heart stopped when I heard this. I sat and thought about how I have really turned my back on a lot of my friends just because I think my problem is so much bigger than anything they have going on. They don’t understand my pain so I want to shut them out. I’m so ashamed that I have let myself be this way. My problem is so small compared to what she is going through. Here lately especially the last few months I have forgotten what I need to be thankful for. I have even turned my back on my faith. Something I haven’t shared with anyone. I haven’t been to church in 3 weeks. I have felt like I was being faithful with God and he wasn’t being faithful with me, but he is. I have an amazing husband, amazing friends, and an amazing family. He hasn’t wronged me. I have wronged him. I’m so sorry to everyone I have shut out. I am going to get back on track and remember what I have to be thankful for. God has really blessed me with an amazing life.

RE Appointment #1

2009-10-06T15:51:00.001-05:00

I had my appointment with the specialist yesterday. He basically told us that we are a young healthy couple and our tests have come out fine so we didn’t really need to be seeing him. Not what I wanted, but Robert made a good point. At least we know he’s not out for our money. I really liked him though. He was very straight forward and took the time to talk to us. He gave us the option of doing nothing because apparently to him we are normal and since we were pg back in Feb we are technically not considered as an infertility patient. (that one pissed me off) Just because we had a miscarriage doesn’t mean we have a child. Anyway, or we can start Femara next month and he also wants to do a postcoital. Oh this will be fun to explain. Basically we go in around when I’m ovulating. We have intercourse then 4 hours later go in to see him where he will swab my cervix and observe under a microscope whether his sperm are swimming in my mucous. Oh doesn’t this sound lovely. Of course we opted for the Femara. I’m so tired of taking our time on this. I’m ready to move on and be proactive. I think I have about 2 weeks until my next cycle. So that’s two more weeks of relaxation. Then it’s hard core trying!!!!!