The Day Two Miracles Were Created

This day one year ago was one of the most miraculous days of my life. As of this time a year ago my boys were created. I remember walking in to the clinic that morning with so many fears. Would they get enough eggs? Would they fertilize? Would we have a baby at the end of this? They retrieved 13 eggs that day. 10 fertilized. Two of those eggs are my beautiful amazing little boys. It’s amazing how God picked them out. Only two eggs survived and were put back in me and to know those created this HUGE blessing in my life is breathtaking. It’s an emotion that I cannot explain. Even though IVF was a crazy ride I love the fact that we know the exact day our boys were made. Not many can say that. Today is a day to celebrate what an amazing God we serve. He knew what this would bring us. He reserved these boys just for Robert and I. What better gift in life can you ask for! I literally tear up with happiness every time I think of those cute little boys. My life is so rich and I only have God to thank for that. They are what make my world go round.



On a different note Beckham roled over for the first time last night. I was so excited to actually witness it. My biggest fear is that they would do all these things at daycare. Gosh I love them!

(video to follow)

The Boys are Growing

I have been an absolutely horrible blogger. I feel like life is just flashing before my eyes! The boys are getting so big. When did this happen? I am loving every minute with them. Brody laughed out loud for the first time this weekend and is so close to rolling over from his stomach to back. It's so funny as a mom to sit there and cheer on your 4 month old to roll over. It's so exciting though. Beckham has really started developing his own personality. He is my fit throwing back archer. He is going to be a quiet trouble maker. He will be laying there screaming and then out of nowhere stop and smile. It's the cutest thing ever! My love for these boys grows daily. I don't even know how that is possible, but it is. I officially have to watch Beckham in his swing. Here is a pic of why.



This was during one of his fits. He has gotten really good at those lately. They are still really good babies for the most part though. They slept in their cribs for the first time Friday night. It lasted till about 4am then they were back in our room and haven't slept in their since. I'm still having a really hard time letting them be that far away from me. I don't feel like I can protect them.

These boys love each other so much already. Here is a picture to prove it. I have a million just like this.



Here are just a few more to show you how big they have gotten. SO. IN. LOVE.

My New Favorite Thing

Here lately Beckham has been getting fussy about 3:30am. We feed them at 5:00am so I do not want to give him a bottle because he will be completely off for the day. (yes I'm that mean). I have discovered that if I lay him in bed with me he falls right back to sleep. I ABSOLUTELY love this!! He will snuggle his little head right in to mine. He needs me :) I realize a million people say this is a bad habit to get in to, but I don't care. My babies will only want to love on their momma for so long and I'm going to take FULL advantage of it. I love those boys so much.

Back to Work

This was probably one of the hardest weeks of my life. I had to leave my baby boys for the first time to go back to work last Monday. My mom took off for the week to keep them, so it made my transition a little easier. I started crying the Friday before and pretty much didn't stop until Monday. Monday morning was so hard to leave them. I knew that I would not be seeing those smiley little faces for 11 1/2 more hours. This Tuesday will be their first day of daycare. I think this might be even harder. I have to leave them with complete strangers. What if they don't love them enough? What if they just let them lay their all day? What if they don't feed them on schedule? We are putting our world in the care of someone else. I've had such a hard time with the idea of working and not staying home with them. I feel like someone else gets to raise them. Someone else gets to see their firsts. Someone else gets to see those precious little smiles all day long while I'm sitting at a desk. It absolutely breaks my heart! We tried for so long for these little miracles and now someone else gets to spend more time in a day than we do with them. I've looked at numbers over and over again and it's just not possible for me to stay home right now. I always worry too if I don't work will we be able to provide all the things we want for them? Everyone tells me it will get easier, but i don't think it ever will. These early years are years you can never get back and I just feel like I'm going to miss it all. I have had several people say, you will want that adult time away from them. I have to honestly say I am not one of those people. I could spend every minute of every day with those little amazing gifts from God. Some times in life we have to do things we don't want to do though and I know for them at this age it's a lot harder on momma than it is on them.

Blessed

As I lay here staring at my two miracle babies I cannot help but know how incredibly blessed I have been with them. I had a twin pregnancy. Things could have turned at any time. I could have had them extremely early and not been able to bring them home. They were born at 37 weeks. They could have had so many complications. I've had one miscarriage. It could have happened again. But it didn't. They are perfectly healthy and they came out that way. I'm lucky, fortunate and INCREDIBLY blessed! It turns out the other way for so many people. My boys are THE best babies too. They only cry if they are hungry. They will lay and play by themselves for hours. They take two hour naps every afternoon. (So does momma.) They have always slept at least 3-4 hrs at a time and as of 8 wks they sleep through the night. I marvel at God's work. I would go through the pain of Infertility a million times over if this is my outcome!

The first time I laid my eyes of Beckham


The first time I laid my eyes on Brody


And the first time my heart and life was truly full



The moment you first hold your children is one you will never forget!

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Psalm 127:3

Cycle Day 5

Why am I counting cycle days again? Oh I don't know probaby because it's all I know. I feel like I should have already been violated once at the Dr and starting today I should be taking my pills in the hopes to become dissapointed pregnant . I should be starting ovulation tests in 5 days. I should be seeing my thermometer lying next to my bed. This month marks one year since we last tried to get pregnant in a somewhat normal way. We started our IVF process in September. Amazing how a year later everything can still feel the same. I no longer know how to have a normal cycle. I don't even know how it's going to feel to start my period at the end of this cycle and not bawl. Not be overcome with anger, hurt and failure. I will always be an Infertile. Those feelings will never go away. I will never be able to forget what I went through to get these amazing boys. And I am thankful for that. While others may cringe at their baby screaming their head off in the backseat, I smile. I tear up and praise God that I get to hear that amazing sound. I will never once be upset at what I have asked God for so many nights. That screaming is a reminder to me that God is good. I have posted this poem two times already on my blog. It hit home before and it was something I longed to feel, but now I can truly understand the power of it. For those of you who didn't have to struggle, as you're reading this poem and you're losing your patience with your child, just remember there are still a million girls out there that would give ANYTHING to be in your shoes.

I Will be a Mother Someday

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

These are my miracles and I will NEVER take them for granted

Picture Overload

I just wanted to say welcome to my new followers. I have deleted my facebook account so I promise to keep up with this more. Here are some of the professional maternity and newborn pics we had taken. LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM!