Pulling at the Heart Strings

My heart has been pulled in a million directions over the past week.  It all started Friday night when I went out to dinner with my girlfriends.  I left the boys at home with Robert.  We had spent the day with the boys because we were off work and we noticed Beckham wasn't really feeling that well and he had some yellow goop coming from his eyes.  I got a text from Robert while I was out saying his eyes were getting really bad.  I got home about 11pm and both the boys were awake fussing like crazy. You could tell they didn't feel well and Beckham's eyes were almost matted shut.  We called the after hours number for our Pediatrician and the nurse told us that if he was draining then it probably was just a cold and not pink eye or RSV.  So we decided not to do anything.  They both slept in bed with us that night and when we got up the next morning it looked like things were getting better.  We made sure to keep Beckham's eyes cleaned out and nose sucked.  Like I've mentioned before Beckham is always sick and I've really gotten tired of putting him on Omoxicillan just for the cold to come back.  I was going to let this cold run it's course.  Well we woke up Sunday morning and Beckham's eyes had gotten worse and now Brody's eyes were doing the same thing.  We both knew at that point it was pink eye.  We had some snow storms that were suppose to move in so we decided to be safe and take them to the ER instead of chancing not being able to get out of the house Monday.  (I also had to be seen for my Endo which has apparently returned, but that is another post) Sure enough they both had pink eye. We then had to find a 24 hr pharmacy to fill there prescriptions and wait an hour and a half to get them filled. By the time we got home it was almost midnight.  They got their first dose that night and let me tell you these boys are not a fan of eye drops!!!  Brody is a pretty good little eye squincher.  I took off Monday because they obviously could not go to daycare.  I love spending the day with my babies.  The drops seem to be helping, that is until we woke up Tuesday morning to their eyes looking worse! Robert stayed home this time because I am running out of time off.  Beckham had been running 102 for two days so we decided he needed to be seen again.  Turns out he has double ear infections.  The Dr told us that if Brody is having the same symptoms he probably needs to be seen too.  So Robert took off again Wednesday to keep both them home and take Brody to the Dr.  Guess what?  He has double ear infections too.  I spent most of my work day Wednesday crying. Not only because I feel so bad for my sick babies, but because I can't be there with them.  I have this tremendous amount of mommy guilt. I have never been one to want to make my work more important than my family.  NEVER!  I have actually promised that this is not how it was going to be when I had a family.  My parents constantly worked and I vowed to be different.  But how can I?  I have to make money to pay bills and to put food in their mouth.  I have to make money so eventually they can play sports or do whatever it is in life that they want to do.  I want to provide.  But I'm stuck between providing monetary things and providing comfort and love and just ME! This mommy's heart is breaking in a million pieces and the sad thing is, it's just part of life.

I Could be a Duggar

I would like to start with a disclaimer that we are NOT trying to get pregnant :)

I find myself daily craving to be pregnant again.  I crave to feel that kick and to see that beatiful tiny face as it comes out.  I crave to breastfeed.  I crave to lay with that precious itty bitty tiny baby on my chest. I crave to feel that overwhelming sense of love for another human being. I crave to get to know another soul. I crave to see that first smile. I crave to have a singleton pregnancy.  I even crave the sleepless nights. I miss our boys little grunts at 2am. 

Being a mom has to be one of the most amazing feelings in the entire world.  I now get how the Duggars want to do it over and over again.  Now, our financial situation would not allow for 20 kids, but if it did I think I would at least have 4.  I have no fear that I could not love another baby as much as the boys. I know I could.  I think a big family would be so fun.  So much love to go around.  To see siblings interact is just something that is one of God's great creations.

In the same craving is also fear.  It took us 3 years 2months and IVF to get pregnant and have these boys.  We did 2 rounds of Clomid, 4 rounds of Femara, 3 IUI's, laproscopy, daily temping, monthly opks, and a miscarriage that I will never forget.  The thought of making the decision to try for another baby scares me.  I feel like my life is finally back to normal.  I can diet, exercise and have a glass of wine whenever I want without the fear of ruining my fertility.  I don't want to ever fall back in to that stage of my life.  It was a more depressing state than most of you know.  Is it possible (if that decision is ever made to have another) to not care whether it happens or not?  I have said that I would go through it all over again knowing the end results.  I still feel that way as far as the boys are concerned.  But now I have them. We have two beautiful healthy boys.  Will it be enough?  Or will there always be that void in my heart?  Once again, being an infertile is just not fair.  The innocence has been stripped away!

Do You Know How Lucky You Are

I started this morning thinking I was going to write a blog today about the boys 7th month of life, but as I was catching up on blogs I ran across one of a lady who had lost her 28 day old baby to Leukemia. So it brings me to the question, do you know how lucky you are?


I see so many times a mother or father yelling at their kids. Saying things to them that is so inappropriate or heartbreaking. Trust me I get how trying having children can be. Remember I have twins. I have nights where they wake up 7 times and all they want is a paci back in their mouth. I have times where they won’t go back to sleep so I wind up with two kids in my bed. One of which now loves to pull my hair. I have to sleep a certain uncomfortable way just so I can keep my hands on them to know they are staying put. They never take naps at the same time anymore. I have times where they are both screaming and I can only sooth one at a time. I have been taking off at least once a week because one of them is sick. Which in turns means I had to turn down my 30th birthday trip with my friends to Costa Rica. We never have money to do anything. I’ve only slept a full 8 hrs twice since I was 6 weeks pregnant. We’re constantly at the store buying diapers, formula or baby food. Our house never gets cleaned because there isn’t time or their toys have just plain taken over.

You know what I constantly think though? I would rather have all of that than the alternative. There are not many hours in my day when I don’t think of how incredibly blessed and fortunate I am to have those boys. I don’t think people realize this enough. They take for granted what a blessing and miracle children are and how quickly they can be taken away from you. I don’t know if I have this greater appreciation because of all we went through to have them, but what I do know is that I would go through the pain all over again to be able to have this deep love and overwhelming sense of thankfulness everyday for what we have been blessed with. I can’t understand how some people don’t feel this.

It really is amazing the amount of love you can have for another human being. I can’t even explain it. Thank you Lord for these two incredible miracles you have brought in to our lives. I vow to never take them for granted!

Again....Really????

The first day I dropped the boys off at daycare was an extremly difficult day.  Not only did I not want anyone else caring for my children, I just didn't know these people from Adam.  I cried for a good month leading up to that first day and continued for a good week, with the occasional cry on days that I just really missed them and hated that someone else was getting to enjoy them.  I have to say though that I fell in love with the ladies that were caring for them.  I can honestly say that they truly love our boys.  And although it was never easy to not be the one with them I couldn't have picked better people.  But that has come to an end.  Our daycare is closing and we had to find a new one.  Most of you know how difficult it is to get in to a good daycare, let alone get two babies in to a good daycare.  Only by the Grace of God did we find one so quick.  But with a new daycare comes my anxiety about leaving them all over again.  I cried bawled Sunday.  I somehow feel like I am neglecting my children by taking them somewhere new again.  Somewhere where we don't have the slightest clue who these people are.  They don't know our babies.  They don't know when they eat or how they act.  Will they adjust to these new people?  Will these people love them as much as the other teachers did?  I now am starting to understand what my mom is talking about when she says you will be crying for the rest of your life.  I love those boys more than I could ever express and I just want them to be safe and taken care of.  I absolutely hate that I am not the one to do it, but it's just not feasable for us.  So I want the next best thing.  (you know because no one is as good as mommy)They were suppose to start today, but Brody must have been looking out for his mommas heart because he started running a fever of 101.4 yesterday and it still hasn't broke.  So I guess that stupid new daycare will just have to wait and momma will be the one to take care of her boys!  Only if it is for a couple extra days it makes me the happiest mommy in the world. 

I finally uploaded some pics from my camera so here is just a bunch of random ones.  Oh and I'm pretty sure Beckham will be crawling in the next two weeks.  He can now get up on all fours and rock.  Brody is still just pretty lazy and content laying on his belly.

Studs

Hmmm carrots

First pic with Santa

Mommas big boys

Here bubba I'll help

Put me in coach

Ehh I'll be interested someday

Happy New Year

I have to say, I am quite glad that the new year is starting.  2011 was one of the best and worst years of my life.  Obviously the boys are the best part of that.  The worst part is personal and something I don't choose to share on my blog, but definitely need prayers about. 

Ok obviously I'd much rather discuss the good in 2011.  I got to experience what it was finally like to be pregnant, I got to learn I was having twins, I got to feel them kick and hiccup, I got to see them grow from a little peanut to actual human beings, I got to give birth (kinda), I got to see their beautiful faces for the first time, I got to hold them, I got to kiss them, I got to breastfeed them, I got to spend 11 wks at home with them, I got to cry because I actually had babies to leave at daycare, I got to watch them take their first bottle, I got to watch them eat their first foods, I got to watch them roll over, I got to watch them sit up, I got to hear the most amazing word "momma", I got to be a MOM!

I hope someday these boys will know how much I love and cherish them.  They have made my life so rich.   Although 2011 was good (because of them) I'm looking forward to 2012.  A fresh look on life and watching my boys grow more and more. Crazy to think this time next year they will be walking and somewhat communicating.  I'm so excited for my journey with them. 

Happy 6 Months

I cannot believe the boys are ½ a year old. I mean really, where did the time go? They are getting so much personality and really growing in to their own ways. The fun is really beginning.


Beckham:

Length: 25 ½ in (9.6%)

Weight: 13lb 13 oz (1.8%)

Head Circumference: 17 (46%)

Who does your baby look like: Robert all the way

Baby’s current milestone achievement: Army crawl

Baby’s favorite thing to do: Smile! And bounce even in mid hair with his legs dangling ;)

As you can tell this poor little guy is tiny, but smart! Ha. He is still constantly sick, but always manages to be happy. He does the most awkward army crawl where he rolls to his side and then reaches his arm up to pull himself forward. It’s so stinking cute!



Brody:

Length: 26 ½ in (45%)

Weight: 15lb 2 oz (9.73%)

Head Circumference: 16 ¾ (27%)

Who does your baby look like: He has my eyes and curly blonde hair, but looks a lot like my nephew when he was a baby.

Baby’s current milestone achievement: rolling like crazy and saying ba ba ba

Baby’s favorite thing to do: Sleep. Yep, me and him could sleep all day 

Yes he is quite a bit bigger than his brother. I really am not sure how his head is smaller. Lol. He has the most beautiful blue eyes and still the most kissable lips! He has my personality. Stubborn ha. He will let you know (with a grunt) when he is not satisfied.



They have both started eating baby food. They LOVE squash. The only one they haven’t liked was peas. I will be trying fruits within the next week. Every time I’m feeding them I still look in amazement at not only the fact that I am so blessed to actually have two babies to feed, but that they are actually here. Some days it still doesn’t seem real. What I had hoped and prayed for for so long is right in front of me. It’s the most amazing feeling to be their mommy and be needed. The other night my heart melted. My dad was trying to get Beckham to sleep and he just wasn’t budging. I grabbed him and he immediately fell asleep in my arms. Right then I realized that the love I had longed for for so long was laying in my arms. I am their mommy. I am the one who can comfort them when no one else can. I waited so long to feel that with so many nights not knowing if it was ever going to happen. Here I am. Living my dream. No matter what else is going on in my life I can never be ungrateful because of the extreme amount of blessings God has poured in to my life. He is good and I am thankful!

HAPPY 6 MONTHS MY LITTLE PUMPKIN BUTTS

MOMMY LOVES YOU SO MUCH

The Sweetest Words

I've always known I was meant to be a mom. As many of you know it something I have longed for for a really long time.  The journey has been so long and extrememly emotional, but there are little moments, now that I'm a mom, that make that journey completely worth it. They are those moments that make me know I would do it all over again to experience what I'm experiencing now.  Last night was one of them.  I heard for the first time my sweet baby boy Beckham say "mama". What a miracle word!