Wednesday, April 24, 2013

What Will I Regret More?

This seems to be the hot topic in the blog world so I thought why not chime in with how I've been feeling lately.  The topic I am referring to is being a working mom vs. a stay at home mom.  I was hit with this thought after I had the twins and it took a toll on me.  I felt enormous amounts of guilt for being at work and missed my boys extremely.  For whatever reason this same thought has hit me ten times harder with this baby.  The thoughts of if I'm making the right decision haunt me every second of every day.  I was reading comments left on another bloggers post regarding this topic and one person asked the question.  "In X amount of years what will you regret more? Missing out on a career or not being home with your kids?"  The answer for me is 100% not being home with my kids. You see I've always really wanted to have a rewarding career.  Where I make good money and can provide for my family.  I've never been content on the position I am in and have always wanted to learn more and move further up the ladder.  Something changed though after Bray was born.   I don't see my job as sitting at a desk anymore. My job is being a mother.  I can't sit through meetings anymore without thinking about my babies.  I can't focus on anything because really all I think about is, I can't wait to get home and kiss those precious faces.  We see the boys for about 30 minutes in the morning and an hour at night.  That is such a small amount of time to indulge ourselves in our kids.  There are constant reminders of how much we are missing out on.  I laid Bray on his tummy the other day and he was just lifting straight up.  The thought runs over me wondering how long has he been able to do that and how in the world as his mother do I not know what he is capable of?  It rips my heart out.  We are missing out on so much of their childhood because we are busy working. Is that really more important than being with them?  The reality to that answer is we don't have much of a choice.  Why is that though? Why are things so over the top expensive these days that it is almost impossible for a mother or father to raise their children?  Why aren't there more opportunities for good part time jobs.  I would ideally love to take my kids to mothers day out three days a week and work during those hours.  It seems like it would be the perfect balance.  There are so many sides to this topic and from what I've gathered you are never content with your decision whichever it may be.  There is always guilt on one side or the other.  All I know is I miss my babies and I am painfully aware that I'm going to wake up one day and wish I would have spent more time with them when they were this little.  That sucks!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Pure Love

As I sit here and think about what all I want to say in this post my eyes are filling up with tears.  My heart is swelling and I have a huge smile on my face.  If someone would have told me four years ago that today I would be sitting here with three amazing little boys and that my tears of heartache would be replaced with tears of joy I would have never believed them.  As I struggled through infertility I never knew if I would see the day that I would become a mother.  That there would be a day I would hear little voices softly say mommy and little arms would wrap around me as if they were telling me how much they loved me.   I never thought that I would be staring in the eyes of my third miracle and be seeing a huge smile coming back at me.  I longed for these days.  I dreamed about these days.  I spent so many nights crying because "these" days were not a reality.  But they are here. I'm living in them. I get to do the single most important job in the world.  Be a mom!  I still get so amazed at how much I can love a single person.  Every decision I make involves them.  They are my first thought and my last thought of every day.  My world now revolves around them.  These tiny little beings have consumed me.  Even though most days are now pure chaos I still wouldn't trade one single moment.  I will never be able to forget those days of longing for what is sitting in front of me now.  They are my true life miracles.  They are my purpose!

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3