Wednesday, January 30, 2013

COME ON/Sadness/Perspective

So I realize my title doesn't make much sense, but I have a lot I wanted to write about and didn't want to break it out in three posts or it wouldn't never get done.  So this could be long. Here it goes.

If you've been following my blog for a while you may remember me struggling to breastfeed the twins.  Beckham had a hard time latching and I just wasn't producing enough for two babies.  It took a weeks worth of crying to decide to stop at 11 weeks.  I felt so guilty about it and was so sad that I couldn't successfully provide them with my milk.  Well flash forward to my second chance at breastfeeding.  Bray latched on right away.  I was so excited and happy that I was going to have an easier time because surely I was going to produce enough for one baby.  Well in the first two weeks I was feeding every hour.  He would fall asleep every time and I could not wake him up for the life of me so therefore he wasn't getting a full feeding.  It was too hard for me to feed him every hour so I decided to start pumping and see if that would help.  I was getting 4 oz about every 2-3 hours.  At this point he was eating 3 oz already.  I was able to freeze one bag.  I was so excited because I never had enough with the boys to freeze any.  This seemed like such a huge accomplishment.  Well it wasn't long until I had to use that bag.  This kid wants to eat every 1-2 hours still.  He is now up to 4 oz and sometimes that is not enough.  I'm still getting anywhere from 4-6 oz a pumping session.  So for the most part I am making just enough.  There have been 3 occasions where we had to give him formula  because there wasn't any of my milk left to give.  Talk about feeling defeated.  Here I am finally producing a good amount of milk and I have a kid who wants to be a linebacker. I will be going back to work soon so I know I'm going to have to give him some more formula bottles just so I have a supply for him for his first day of daycare.  I still try and breastfeed at least once a day because I really enjoy that bonding time.  I know I should be happy that for the most part he is getting straight breastmilk, but I can't help and already think about when he ups his feedings more.  Why do I put so much pressure on myself? 

When I was pregnant I was about 99% positive that this was the last one for us.  Everyone had always told me that you would know when you are done. I felt that way while I was throwing up every day and towards the end when it just got miserable.  Everyone kept asking if we were going to try for a girl and my answer was always a no, we are done, but the moment he arrived something changed.  I have been extremely sad that my pregnancy is over. I'm sad that this is the last newborn we will ever have.  Every day that I see him getting bigger just makes me more sad because it means another phase is over that we'll never experience again.  I don't feel done anymore.  There is just something so magical and miraculous about the moment a baby is born.  The love that you feel in that instant and the days that follow.  I don't know if it is because the way the birth happened and just went so fast and was unexpected that day, but I feel like I didn't get to really spend those last days with Bray in my belly cherishing how amazing pregnancy really is.  I am truly sad that I will more than likely never experience this again.  I'm hoping this goes away with time.  I'm excited for the future and raising our three boys.  And who knows, maybe in 3 years we'll do it again ;)  Don't worry though. For now I will be getting on birth control right away.

It's amazing how the way you look at things changes when you have a little perspective of how it goes.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was finding out I was pregnant with the twins.  Now they are getting close to being two and I have no idea where the time went.  This makes me take Bray in that much more.  In the blink of an eye he will be closing in on his 2nd birthday too.  I love every age and watching each of them grow.  There is nothing like being a parent and witnessing your children becoming individuals and finding their personalities.  I don't like how fast the time is flying, but I'm glad I realize how precious each day with them is. Before I know it I will be an empty nester so for now I want to take in every moment of every day and continue to make a million memories to last a lifetime. 

Sunday, January 20, 2013

The Handsome Bray

Since I can't upload pictures for some reason here is our sneak peek of his newborn pictures. They were done by Nicole Hager who we have been lucky enough to have capture our special memories. She is awesome!!! Enjoy. It's the one titled little brother.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Introducing Bray Isaiah

We welcome our 3rd miracle on January 5th @ 7:49 pm. He was a chunk at 8 lbs 5 oz and 20 1/2 in long. He's beautiful and is seriously a perfect mix between his brothers.

(It's not letting me post pictures for some reason so I will come back later and let y'all see his handsome face)

Birth story

I was scheduled for my repeat c-section on the morning of January 7th. Friday, January 4th was my last day of work. I decided to take off at noon that day just to be able to go home and relax kid free. That night I started having some regular contractions but didn't think much of it because they weren't that painful and they weren't consistent. I went to bed that night only to wake up to more contractions and just all out feeling very uncomfortable. I believe I was soaking in a bath at 2:00 am. We woke up the next morning and went and ate breakfast with my parents. I had starting losing parts of my mucous plug at this point. I continued to have contractions throughout the day and they started to get a little more painful, but not too bad. Plus they still weren't completely consistent. I talked to my sister and she decided to come over. While she was there the intensity picked up and they got a little closer together. She was sure I was in labor. I was still not convinced because everything I've heard and read says every 3-5 minutes for an hour and you wouldn't be able to talk through the contractions. Well I didn't meet any of this criteria. However, I decided we better go because that was a lot of contractions in two days. We called my mom over to watch the boys. I was certain we were going to get sent home.  I remember on the way to the hospital I didn't have a contraction. It's only a 5 min drive though so looking back that wasn't a big deal. We go straight to labor and delivery where they hook me up to the monitors. I was having contractions and she decided to check me. I was only a fingertip dilated but I had started to efface. Right after she checked me the contractions picked up and got very painful. She decided to call the on call dr ( remember mine is on vacation) and see what he wanted to do. He recommended the shot to try snd stop the contractions to see if they were real or not and she was going to give me meds for the pain. I needed to get up and go to the bathroom and when I stood up there was brown in the bed. She confirmed it was meconium (sp?). I think at that point was when it was decided I was going to be delivering that night but it hasn't set in. As I got back in to bed I felt/heard this pop. Then the gush happened. My water broke. I told the nurse I thought that had happened and she looked and confirmed. I officially knew this was it. The crazy in me was getting to experience labor. Thank you lord, but I think I'm good now on the labor experience :). This was at 6:30 pm.  Next thing we knew people were coming in talking to us about the surgery. Whoa hold in a minute. Let us catch up. Is this happening soon?  The answer was yes. 7:30pm. It all went o fast. Our family was walking in as I was wheeling back. The spinal was great this time. No pain and very quick. Robert finally got to come in and the c-section was under way.  I had chilis chips and salsa at 3:30 pm so needless to say I now know why they tell you to not eat past midnight the night before. It's the weirdest feeling throwing up when you can't feel your belly. The anesthesiologist was so nice and cleaned me up.  The whole time the dr kept saying things that probably weren't the best to say to someone laying on the table cut open and trying to keep calm. First it was that I was a bleeder and he hadn't even gotten to my uterus. Then it was my uterus was way thin and it wasn't good. He advised us against having any more kids. Apparently due to hashing twins 18 months prior combined with Laboring for 24 hours wasn't all that great for my uterus. Anyway, not an appropriate time to be discussed. I kept having thoughts of having to be put to sleep because of the bleeding and missing the birth. Everything wound up being fine though and Bray came out crying. I didn't get to see him right away because of the meconium, but Robert went straight to him and brought pictures back for me to see. The first thing I noticed was his black hair. He was amazing. At first glance he looked just like Brody with dark hair.  We got back to the room and he latched on right away. Whoohoo!  My spinal wore off so quick this time but because of the uterus and bleeding issue i wasnt allowed to get up until morning. The recovery has been a little harder this time. The pain is a little more intense, but I'm thinking its due to still chasing after two 19 month olds. They came and visited at the hospital, but I don't think they associated it really. They just thought it was cool to run around in a cool room.  Since coming home they have really taken to him. Especially Beckham. He says hi to him first thing every morning and both boys will give random kisses. They both try to pick him up out of his swing. It's very cute but means we have to have very watchful eyes. Our family is now complete.  It's a huge blessing!

If you're wondering how were juggling three under two ill save that for another post.
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3