Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I Could be a Duggar

I would like to start with a disclaimer that we are NOT trying to get pregnant :)

I find myself daily craving to be pregnant again.  I crave to feel that kick and to see that beatiful tiny face as it comes out.  I crave to breastfeed.  I crave to lay with that precious itty bitty tiny baby on my chest. I crave to feel that overwhelming sense of love for another human being. I crave to get to know another soul. I crave to see that first smile. I crave to have a singleton pregnancy.  I even crave the sleepless nights. I miss our boys little grunts at 2am. 

Being a mom has to be one of the most amazing feelings in the entire world.  I now get how the Duggars want to do it over and over again.  Now, our financial situation would not allow for 20 kids, but if it did I think I would at least have 4.  I have no fear that I could not love another baby as much as the boys. I know I could.  I think a big family would be so fun.  So much love to go around.  To see siblings interact is just something that is one of God's great creations.

In the same craving is also fear.  It took us 3 years 2months and IVF to get pregnant and have these boys.  We did 2 rounds of Clomid, 4 rounds of Femara, 3 IUI's, laproscopy, daily temping, monthly opks, and a miscarriage that I will never forget.  The thought of making the decision to try for another baby scares me.  I feel like my life is finally back to normal.  I can diet, exercise and have a glass of wine whenever I want without the fear of ruining my fertility.  I don't want to ever fall back in to that stage of my life.  It was a more depressing state than most of you know.  Is it possible (if that decision is ever made to have another) to not care whether it happens or not?  I have said that I would go through it all over again knowing the end results.  I still feel that way as far as the boys are concerned.  But now I have them. We have two beautiful healthy boys.  Will it be enough?  Or will there always be that void in my heart?  Once again, being an infertile is just not fair.  The innocence has been stripped away!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Do You Know How Lucky You Are

I started this morning thinking I was going to write a blog today about the boys 7th month of life, but as I was catching up on blogs I ran across one of a lady who had lost her 28 day old baby to Leukemia. So it brings me to the question, do you know how lucky you are?

I see so many times a mother or father yelling at their kids. Saying things to them that is so inappropriate or heartbreaking. Trust me I get how trying having children can be. Remember I have twins. I have nights where they wake up 7 times and all they want is a paci back in their mouth. I have times where they won’t go back to sleep so I wind up with two kids in my bed. One of which now loves to pull my hair. I have to sleep a certain uncomfortable way just so I can keep my hands on them to know they are staying put. They never take naps at the same time anymore. I have times where they are both screaming and I can only sooth one at a time. I have been taking off at least once a week because one of them is sick. Which in turns means I had to turn down my 30th birthday trip with my friends to Costa Rica. We never have money to do anything. I’ve only slept a full 8 hrs twice since I was 6 weeks pregnant. We’re constantly at the store buying diapers, formula or baby food. Our house never gets cleaned because there isn’t time or their toys have just plain taken over.

You know what I constantly think though? I would rather have all of that than the alternative. There are not many hours in my day when I don’t think of how incredibly blessed and fortunate I am to have those boys. I don’t think people realize this enough. They take for granted what a blessing and miracle children are and how quickly they can be taken away from you. I don’t know if I have this greater appreciation because of all we went through to have them, but what I do know is that I would go through the pain all over again to be able to have this deep love and overwhelming sense of thankfulness everyday for what we have been blessed with. I can’t understand how some people don’t feel this.

It really is amazing the amount of love you can have for another human being. I can’t even explain it. Thank you Lord for these two incredible miracles you have brought in to our lives. I vow to never take them for granted!

Monday, January 9, 2012


The first day I dropped the boys off at daycare was an extremly difficult day.  Not only did I not want anyone else caring for my children, I just didn't know these people from Adam.  I cried for a good month leading up to that first day and continued for a good week, with the occasional cry on days that I just really missed them and hated that someone else was getting to enjoy them.  I have to say though that I fell in love with the ladies that were caring for them.  I can honestly say that they truly love our boys.  And although it was never easy to not be the one with them I couldn't have picked better people.  But that has come to an end.  Our daycare is closing and we had to find a new one.  Most of you know how difficult it is to get in to a good daycare, let alone get two babies in to a good daycare.  Only by the Grace of God did we find one so quick.  But with a new daycare comes my anxiety about leaving them all over again.  I cried bawled Sunday.  I somehow feel like I am neglecting my children by taking them somewhere new again.  Somewhere where we don't have the slightest clue who these people are.  They don't know our babies.  They don't know when they eat or how they act.  Will they adjust to these new people?  Will these people love them as much as the other teachers did?  I now am starting to understand what my mom is talking about when she says you will be crying for the rest of your life.  I love those boys more than I could ever express and I just want them to be safe and taken care of.  I absolutely hate that I am not the one to do it, but it's just not feasable for us.  So I want the next best thing.  (you know because no one is as good as mommy)They were suppose to start today, but Brody must have been looking out for his mommas heart because he started running a fever of 101.4 yesterday and it still hasn't broke.  So I guess that stupid new daycare will just have to wait and momma will be the one to take care of her boys!  Only if it is for a couple extra days it makes me the happiest mommy in the world. 

I finally uploaded some pics from my camera so here is just a bunch of random ones.  Oh and I'm pretty sure Beckham will be crawling in the next two weeks.  He can now get up on all fours and rock.  Brody is still just pretty lazy and content laying on his belly.


Hmmm carrots

First pic with Santa

Mommas big boys

Here bubba I'll help

Put me in coach

Ehh I'll be interested someday

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Happy New Year

I have to say, I am quite glad that the new year is starting.  2011 was one of the best and worst years of my life.  Obviously the boys are the best part of that.  The worst part is personal and something I don't choose to share on my blog, but definitely need prayers about. 

Ok obviously I'd much rather discuss the good in 2011.  I got to experience what it was finally like to be pregnant, I got to learn I was having twins, I got to feel them kick and hiccup, I got to see them grow from a little peanut to actual human beings, I got to give birth (kinda), I got to see their beautiful faces for the first time, I got to hold them, I got to kiss them, I got to breastfeed them, I got to spend 11 wks at home with them, I got to cry because I actually had babies to leave at daycare, I got to watch them take their first bottle, I got to watch them eat their first foods, I got to watch them roll over, I got to watch them sit up, I got to hear the most amazing word "momma", I got to be a MOM!

I hope someday these boys will know how much I love and cherish them.  They have made my life so rich.   Although 2011 was good (because of them) I'm looking forward to 2012.  A fresh look on life and watching my boys grow more and more. Crazy to think this time next year they will be walking and somewhat communicating.  I'm so excited for my journey with them. 

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3