Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I Could be a Duggar

I would like to start with a disclaimer that we are NOT trying to get pregnant :)

I find myself daily craving to be pregnant again.  I crave to feel that kick and to see that beatiful tiny face as it comes out.  I crave to breastfeed.  I crave to lay with that precious itty bitty tiny baby on my chest. I crave to feel that overwhelming sense of love for another human being. I crave to get to know another soul. I crave to see that first smile. I crave to have a singleton pregnancy.  I even crave the sleepless nights. I miss our boys little grunts at 2am. 

Being a mom has to be one of the most amazing feelings in the entire world.  I now get how the Duggars want to do it over and over again.  Now, our financial situation would not allow for 20 kids, but if it did I think I would at least have 4.  I have no fear that I could not love another baby as much as the boys. I know I could.  I think a big family would be so fun.  So much love to go around.  To see siblings interact is just something that is one of God's great creations.

In the same craving is also fear.  It took us 3 years 2months and IVF to get pregnant and have these boys.  We did 2 rounds of Clomid, 4 rounds of Femara, 3 IUI's, laproscopy, daily temping, monthly opks, and a miscarriage that I will never forget.  The thought of making the decision to try for another baby scares me.  I feel like my life is finally back to normal.  I can diet, exercise and have a glass of wine whenever I want without the fear of ruining my fertility.  I don't want to ever fall back in to that stage of my life.  It was a more depressing state than most of you know.  Is it possible (if that decision is ever made to have another) to not care whether it happens or not?  I have said that I would go through it all over again knowing the end results.  I still feel that way as far as the boys are concerned.  But now I have them. We have two beautiful healthy boys.  Will it be enough?  Or will there always be that void in my heart?  Once again, being an infertile is just not fair.  The innocence has been stripped away!

1 comment:

Faith said...

I know what you mean - I crave all those things as well. But I think we are at our limit - emotionally and physically - with two. Even when I think about wanting another one, I get sad because I'm not even sure I could. And I never want to go through the "trying and failing" crap again. That said, I do think it is easier once you hold your blessings in your arms. Because, IF the worst happened and we couldn't conceive again, we'd still be the most blessed parents that ever lived. Your heart will know when it's right.

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3