Thursday, February 16, 2012

Pulling at the Heart Strings

My heart has been pulled in a million directions over the past week.  It all started Friday night when I went out to dinner with my girlfriends.  I left the boys at home with Robert.  We had spent the day with the boys because we were off work and we noticed Beckham wasn't really feeling that well and he had some yellow goop coming from his eyes.  I got a text from Robert while I was out saying his eyes were getting really bad.  I got home about 11pm and both the boys were awake fussing like crazy. You could tell they didn't feel well and Beckham's eyes were almost matted shut.  We called the after hours number for our Pediatrician and the nurse told us that if he was draining then it probably was just a cold and not pink eye or RSV.  So we decided not to do anything.  They both slept in bed with us that night and when we got up the next morning it looked like things were getting better.  We made sure to keep Beckham's eyes cleaned out and nose sucked.  Like I've mentioned before Beckham is always sick and I've really gotten tired of putting him on Omoxicillan just for the cold to come back.  I was going to let this cold run it's course.  Well we woke up Sunday morning and Beckham's eyes had gotten worse and now Brody's eyes were doing the same thing.  We both knew at that point it was pink eye.  We had some snow storms that were suppose to move in so we decided to be safe and take them to the ER instead of chancing not being able to get out of the house Monday.  (I also had to be seen for my Endo which has apparently returned, but that is another post) Sure enough they both had pink eye. We then had to find a 24 hr pharmacy to fill there prescriptions and wait an hour and a half to get them filled. By the time we got home it was almost midnight.  They got their first dose that night and let me tell you these boys are not a fan of eye drops!!!  Brody is a pretty good little eye squincher.  I took off Monday because they obviously could not go to daycare.  I love spending the day with my babies.  The drops seem to be helping, that is until we woke up Tuesday morning to their eyes looking worse! Robert stayed home this time because I am running out of time off.  Beckham had been running 102 for two days so we decided he needed to be seen again.  Turns out he has double ear infections.  The Dr told us that if Brody is having the same symptoms he probably needs to be seen too.  So Robert took off again Wednesday to keep both them home and take Brody to the Dr.  Guess what?  He has double ear infections too.  I spent most of my work day Wednesday crying. Not only because I feel so bad for my sick babies, but because I can't be there with them.  I have this tremendous amount of mommy guilt. I have never been one to want to make my work more important than my family.  NEVER!  I have actually promised that this is not how it was going to be when I had a family.  My parents constantly worked and I vowed to be different.  But how can I?  I have to make money to pay bills and to put food in their mouth.  I have to make money so eventually they can play sports or do whatever it is in life that they want to do.  I want to provide.  But I'm stuck between providing monetary things and providing comfort and love and just ME! This mommy's heart is breaking in a million pieces and the sad thing is, it's just part of life.


Amber said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your poor sick babies!!! My mom worked full-time and even went to college while I was young, but I stayed with my grandparents which made it great. I know this is hard for you but you really are doing what's best for them in this situation. Too soon, they'll both be in school and you'll want something to do during the day!

Faith said...

Oh this is so hard. I can't imagine working full time. I work part time and I feel so guilty when I am away - but it is SO much worse when they are sick. This won't last forever though, hun. Soon they will be well and it won't be so hard. Mommy guilt is what it is, like you said - just a part of life. No matter what the circumstances, we all have things we feel insanely guilty about. It's just because we want to give our kids the WORLD and more. And that is impossible . We do the best we can, give them the best we can...and guess what? They love us for it! And it IS enough! You are an AMAZING mom - those boys are so cherished and loved. That is the foundation to EVERYthing in their life. Work, don't work, it'll all work out because you love them THAT much. Hang in there hun!

Mrs. D'Amico said...

It's such a bad year for sickness... Roman has had a cold, an ear infection, croup and now another cold that yet again requires antibiotics. I say all of that, to say this... He isn't in daycare and is just sick with this mess. Praying for winter to end and all these babies and kids to get well!! I'm sure it's so hard for you to not be there but you can erase your guilt with the fact that you are doing what's best and providing.

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3