Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Baby #4 is.......

is a little baby GIRL!!!  I think I'm still in disbelief.   We've had two ultrasounds to confirm so I know she is a she but I just don't think I thought I would ever be typing those words.  After three years of infertility and one loss I just really never thought I would see the day that my family would be complete.  To the point where I felt 100% complete.  God has been so faithful to us.  I can't wait to meet our precious little princess!  Her brothers are super excited too.

Monday, August 25, 2014

It's Been a While

Don't get too excited. (if anyone is still reading).  I'm not here to say too much.  Just one last little surprise.

I still can't believe after everything we went through we have now had two easy pregnancies.  I continued to be amazed by how God works.  I would love to fill you in on all the details but once again I'm miserably sick so I don't feel like writing a novel at the moment.  I will update soon!

Friday, May 9, 2014

A Letter to My Boys

Baker Boys,

Today is the day that your father and I will dedicate the three of you boys to the church.  We are not only dedicating you to Life church, but we are dedicating you to God.  We are making our promise to raise you in a Christ-Centered home.  There is something equally special about this day.  It is also Mother’s Day weekend.  The three years leading up to when we found out we were going to be parents were heart wrenching.  I honestly didn’t know if I would ever become a Mom.  It made this weekend so incredibly painful.  I spent a lot of time with God in those years.  I want you all to know that I prayed for you and God answered our prayers in His timing.  He knew exactly what he was doing.  We have three of the most perfect miracles that I could ever ask for.  Miracles is what you all are and God is the reason you are here.

There are a few things that I want you to remember while you go through life:

1.)    God should always be first.  I believe with all my heart that if you put Him first then the rest of your life falls into place.  This is sometimes hard for your mommy to accept because I selfishly think I should come first after carrying you around for nine months.  I guess God wins though.

2.)    The world is cruel, don’t give in to the pressure.  The media and everyone else will try to make you think you need material things.  Material things equal debt.  Debt equals chains.  God is the only one who can provide happiness sons.  BE WHO YOU ARE, NOT WHO THE WORLD SAYS YOU SHOULD BE!

3.)    You are wanted.  If for any reason your father or I should do something to make you feel unloved remember this.  We spent 3.2 years trying and longing for you.  It took numerous doctor appointments, money, time, surgeries, shots and tears to conceive you. Bray you are no exception.  Just because you made your determinedness known doesn’t mean that we didn’t long for you too.  A little secret.  Mommy longed to feel a singleton pregnancy and all the things that were different than a twin pregnancy.   So my little cuddle bug, you were wanted too!  Not to mention that God placed you in our life at just the perfect time.  One day we will share that story with you.

4.)    You will get your heart broken.  I’m crying now at the thought of this.  You are only 1 & almost 3, but the thought that someone will hurt you, hurts me.  There are going to be a number of people throughout your life that will let you down.  This is not limited to a girlfriend.  You will have people who you never expected like friends and family.  It is part of the world we live in.  God tells us to forgive.  So boys, you should forgive and pray for those who have hurt you.  Just remember that we cannot control what others say or do but we can control who we let stay in our lives. 

5.)    Be kind to everyone. God said no man’s sins are greater than the next.  There are people all over the world that are hurting.  Don’t be the one to make them hurt more.

6.)    Life goes on.  You are going to encounter hardships along the way.  Don’t let them take you out.  Always be an optimist and remember #1. 

7.)    We are always here for you. Your Mom and Dad will always be your #1 fans in life.  We are pulling for each one of you.  We want to see you succeed in life and with your walk with Christ. We will never turn our backs on you.  Anything you need we are here.  Even if you want to come live with us again when you’re 30. 

8.)    We will give you tough love.  We are not always going to hand things to you because you want them.  There are going to be some instances in life where we may have to implement “tough love”.  This will be harder on us than it is on you.  I hope you can one day understand what this is about and not be angry with us.

9.)    It’s ok to cry.  Society tells you that boys shouldn’t cry.  I think society is wrong.  It is ok to feel pain and deal with it.  It is ok to be sad.  I think it makes you a much better man.  It makes you human.  It will make you very attractive to a woman as well.  Let’s not explore this until you are at least 25 though.

10.) You are enough! Remember when the world around you tells you that you aren't good enough, that you are always good enough in God’s eyes.  You are also always good enough in our eyes.  Don’t let what anyone thinks about you define you.  Let you define you. Let your relationship with God define you.

11.) Go to college. Just do it!

12.) Divorce is not an option.  You are too young now for me to even fathom you boys getting married.  When you do, remember that marriage is a commitment before God.  Don’t get married unless you are ready to fully commit to another person. This will mean putting yourself aside to make someone else happy.  Marriage is work and sometimes it is painfully hard, but don’t ever put “divorce” in your vocabulary.  Seek God not society.

13.) Don’t forget about us.  It’s hard to imagine at the age you are now that someday, if we do our job right, you are going to leave home.  You will become men of your own household.   It’s just so hard to imagine that for the next 15-17 years we will have you in our home every day.  Our lives revolve around you boys right now.  There is going to come a day when you are gone.  I don’t want that day to come.  I wish I could freeze time right now.  Where you, Bray, are crying to come lay in bed with me and I pick you up and you wrap your sweet little arms around my neck and won’t let go for the rest of the night.  Or you, Beckham, with your sweet little voice saying, “Mommy, please help me” or embarrassingly enough for you when we have our cute little talks while you are trying to use the restroom.  And you, Brody, laughing deviously and always saying after you get your hair done, “Mom, I’m not handsome, I’m Brody Superhero”.  Gosh, I’m going to miss you boys.  I’m going to miss these days. Don’t worry, I’ll try to keep my cool and not follow you to college.  I am however not promising to not cry every year you get older for I know that means my days are numbered before you leave the nest.  Just remember to call us just to say hi and I love you. That will mean the world to us. 

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

This is the verse that I live by with you three boys.  My hope is that your father and I can give you a strong faith based foundation.  You boys have changed my life for the better.  I never knew how much love my body was capable of feeling until I saw each of you for the first time.  Those images are ingrained in my mind.  I will admit that there are several days that I get caught up in life and I forget to pray.  I can promise you that there aren’t many days that go by though that I don’t forget to thank God for each of you when I’m tucking you in bed at night.  I love you my three little momma’s boys. More than you will ever know!  

We love you,


Mommy and Daddy

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Five Years

I had a friend email me the other day asking if she could run a mile in a marathon in memory of my angel.  I was so touched that there is someone out there that still remembers too.  That someone else out there knows that we have a child in Heaven.  It prompted me to start thinking back on the past 5 years and I started reading some old blogs.  It was a very dark and lonely place to be in that season of my life.  So much pain and heartache.  Little did I know I would be typing this 5 years down the road in one of the best places I've ever been in my life.  I have three beautiful boys and I'm happy.  I am so grateful for my journey and I wouldn't change it.  Infertility changed me, but for the better.  I'm a better mom, wife, Christian and friend.  I wouldn't give any of that up!  GOD IS GOOD!

This Thursday will be five years since we heard our angel baby's heartbeat for the first and last time. I can remember how exciting that day was. After 18 months we were finally on our way to having our baby. Little did we know that was not going to be the case. I spent 12 weeks of pregnancy (really 8 weeks) with that child. Planning names and nurseries. Doing all the things that pregnant people do. That baby is and will always be a part of us and our family. He/She is in Heaven and I can't wait to meet him/her. I just wanted to take some time to acknowledge that I still remember it all so well and to say that I still miss my angel. 

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Four Maybe?

Are you guys done? Do you want a girl? You need a girl! You have to try for a girl! You need some estrogen in your house!

Baby #4 has been a “thought” for a while now.  After Bray was born it was an absolute NO.  As the months went on though it turned into that “thought”.   Here are some of the things that have constantly played in this crazy little head of mine.  “Are you insane?” “You get no sleep as it is!” “It’s going to be a boy!” “Can my uterus handle another pregnancy?” “This will be my third C-section, they say that can be dangerous!” “You are done with bottles and baby food, do you really want to go back there?” “Four colleges to pay for!” “Four cars to pay for!” “Four braces to pay for!” “You finally got your body back (for the most part anyway)!” “What if we decided to try and can’t, can you handle those emotions again?” “What if we have twins/triplets?” “We ended on a good note so why not keep it that way!” “What if it is a boy and since he won’t be close in age to the other three he is an outcast?” “All of our kids are healthy, are we pushing our luck?” “What if we don’t try and I look back at 40 and regret it?”  “The “hard times” of terrible twos are almost over, well ok you have about three more years.  All these people are lying that tell me it doesn’t get better.  How can it not? Right? RIGHT?”  “You’ve already been locked away for three years because these babies are too hard to get out, don’t you want to start living your life again?” “We won’t have the money for a third until the twins are in school and by that time do we really want to have another baby?” “SERIOUSLY, how are you even considering this?!?!” 

Being a mother has been one of THE hardest things I have ever done in my life.  It is not all fairy dust and rainbows that people seem to portray on the outside.  The truth is that most of our days start out with pure chaos and tiredness from three kids who don’t know how to sleep.  There is constant defiance to get dressed or go potty so that we can make our best attempt at getting to work on time.  Then I spend my entire day thinking about and missing the crap out of my kids and wishing I could be with them every second of every day.  Then comes the moment I see them after work.  Which is met with a huge smile and a hug from Bray and then quickly turns into a crazed kid who fights getting put in his car seat, immediately takes off his right shoe and sock and throws a fit the entire way to pick up the twins.  Then comes the twin’s daycare.  Once again I’m met with huge smiles and hugs which quickly turns to Brody running away playing with all the toys while I’m trying to get him to put on his jacket and Beckham suddenly needing a drink from the water fountain which is the opposite direction of the front door.  Then they both have to push the exit button (which is unnecessary) before finally walking out the front door to the car.  They greet their daddy and Bray with a smile.  Bray loves seeing his brothers so he is calmed down by now.  Then the ride home.  Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.  This is where I will admit that I was an infertile girl saying I will never get tired of hearing my kids saying mom. I hate for this to even come out of my mouth, but it exhausts me!  I mean my husband even has to step in at times and be like ok boys, no more questions to mommy.  I do answer every single one and I would never tell my kids to leave me alone, but in my head I do think, you know daddy is here too!  Moving on.  We get home.  Brody tries to run on the side of the house.  Why? I have no idea! Beckham will not go in until he has gotten the mail even if we explain to him over and over that it’s a holiday.  Finally get all three kids inside and the second round of chaos starts.  Bray cries for dinner because he thinks he is a starved child even though he has already eaten a full meal at daycare.  He also does not want you to put him down at this point in the day and if you do you are the meanest mommy in the world and you can see the heartbreak on his face.  Ok child I will hold you while you are still crying for food and I will get undressed from work and get dinner going.  Just cherish this baby on your hip is what my heart tells me at this point.  So I dive into kisses and hugs.  This child loves hugs and pulling the crap out of my hair! So back to being frustrated because he has now managed to physically hurt me.  Put him down tell him no and watch him cry because I hurt his feelings. I now feel horrible!  The twins are running around tackling each other so I tell them someone is going to get hurt and we are going to have to go to the hospital.  Not sure they can even hear what I say over their giggles.  The giggles make me smile and make my heart swell but doesn’t take away my anxiety from their wrestling moves.  Dinner of chicken nuggets, hot dogs or noodles is served because it is the only thing I have time to prepare.  After all we only have about an hour and a half of an evening before bed.  Dinner is always a disaster.  The twins are throwing food or spitting or making tiger noises at each other which makes them laugh with a full mouth of food which again gives me anxiety because I think they are going to choke.  Bray likes to push himself away from the table which means he can’t reach his food which means he is starving and whines.  When dinner is done we are left with an enormous mess on the table and floor to clean up EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT!  Again, exhausting! Then have you ever tried to bathe three babies with only two sets of hands?  Or tried to talk them into getting out of the tub?  How about getting them ready for bed?  The twins run around like crazy people saying nakey, nakey.  Sure this is cute while I’m thinking back on it, but not in the moment when you have worked all day and you are purely exhausted and ready for bed yourself.  Just get dressed already!!  Then comes the absolute most exhausting part of the day.  I think most toddler moms know what I’m about to say…..BEDTIME!  The twins are great about walking to bed.  We get our last drink, go potty and then tuck in.   Then the fun starts.  Mom, I need a drink.  No. go to sleep. Mom, I need to go potty.  Ok. Can’t say no. They are potty training.  Mom, I need a hug and kiss.  Ok. Can’t say no to that either.  Mom, I need a book.  No. Go to sleep.  Mom. Come lay with me.  No. Go to sleep.  Even though I honestly would love to but don’t want to start that habit.  This is usually about an hour routine EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT!  Bray is still up at this point and in his sweetest moment I want to put him to sleep but for some reason he will not fall asleep in my arms.  So he lays with his daddy and falls asleep.  He is finally at a point where he stays asleep once he is laid down.  I get excited about this point in the night because I get to lay in my bed and relax.  Funny thing is I still have anxiety at this point because I know that rest is only for about 3 more hours until one of the twins wakes up and fake cries until we come in there, which also wakes Bray up who will cry for hours until we get him and put him in our bed.   We get four hours of sleep total on a good night and this has been going on for almost three years now.  The morning eventually rolls around and we start it over once again.  We have said numerous times lately that we are literally about to have a mental and physical breakdown. I want to point out that these are not exaggerations.  You could pick any given day to come follow our family and you would witness all of these things occurring. 

So, all of that nonsense brings me back to “How can you even be thinking about having another child?!?!” It’s simple really.  No matter what, at any given moment someone can ask me if all of that is worth it.  My answer 150% will always be ABSOLUTELY!   This is a season. It too shall pass all too quickly.  We both love our children with our every being and we both know we want to experience all of this one more time.  Right now is not the time for that, but if God blesses us with the resources you better bet that we try for another miracle.   And we won’t be trying for a girl.  We will be trying for another blessing to add to our already blessed life!

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Happy 1st Birthday Bray

So I'm two days late on this post but what do you expect from a mom with three boys two and under? As I've expressed I've had a hard time leading up to this day.  I knew it was going to happen sooner than I would like and I was trying to embrace it.  To heck with embracing it though.  I want my baby to stay a baby forever.  Ok ok I know, get over it!  He decided to go through a phase about two weeks before his birthday where I was no longer the only person that COULD rock him, but the only person that COULDN'T!  Come on son! Not the time for this.  Anyway, he was very kind and finally let me hold him and rock him to sleep the night before his birthday.  I cherished it.  He was moving on from being a baby into the world of toddlerhood.  I did cry as I laid him to bed that night. It's hard to know these days will soon be distant memories and my sweet innocent boy will soon be telling me to leave him alone. (Yep, the twins say this to me).  Looking back we were scared how we would manage three babies, but now I can't imagine it any other way.  I'd do it all again. 

This year with him has been a huge challenge but also a huge blessing.  He has by far been more difficult than the twins ever were.  He has a huge personality and is the best cuddler ever which makes up for it.  I was able to nurse him for 8 months which was an amazing experience.  He has been momma's little buddy and I have a feeling we are going to be very close as he grows up.  He has already switched to whole milk and has been bottle free for about three weeks.  This has been an easy transition because he wants to do everything his big brothers do.  He took his first steps the week of Thanksgiving and can now walk wherever he wants to go.  He is starting to try and talk but really you can't make much out of what he is saying.  He loves to pretend talk on the phone and to pretend sneeze.  Have I mentioned how much he loves to eat???  He has filled my heart even more this year than I thought was possible.  Can't believe how fast it went. 

We did his party on the day of his birthday.  We went with a Winter Onederland theme.  Everything turned out great. I love throwing these parties for my kids even though they may hate me when they are 16 for what they have to wear.  He got lots of great gifts although the twins have already taken them over.  I'm afraid this is going to be the story for many years to come.  Oh well maybe one day they'll see it as something cool that they basically get new stuff for each birthday since they share everything. 

So I've raised my third child past the age of one.  I would say that is a pretty good victory for a girl who spent 3 years thinking I'd never have one.  Once again, GOD IS GOOD!

Birthday Sprinkle Pancakes


"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3