Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Four Maybe?

Are you guys done? Do you want a girl? You need a girl! You have to try for a girl! You need some estrogen in your house!

Baby #4 has been a “thought” for a while now.  After Bray was born it was an absolute NO.  As the months went on though it turned into that “thought”.   Here are some of the things that have constantly played in this crazy little head of mine.  “Are you insane?” “You get no sleep as it is!” “It’s going to be a boy!” “Can my uterus handle another pregnancy?” “This will be my third C-section, they say that can be dangerous!” “You are done with bottles and baby food, do you really want to go back there?” “Four colleges to pay for!” “Four cars to pay for!” “Four braces to pay for!” “You finally got your body back (for the most part anyway)!” “What if we decided to try and can’t, can you handle those emotions again?” “What if we have twins/triplets?” “We ended on a good note so why not keep it that way!” “What if it is a boy and since he won’t be close in age to the other three he is an outcast?” “All of our kids are healthy, are we pushing our luck?” “What if we don’t try and I look back at 40 and regret it?”  “The “hard times” of terrible twos are almost over, well ok you have about three more years.  All these people are lying that tell me it doesn’t get better.  How can it not? Right? RIGHT?”  “You’ve already been locked away for three years because these babies are too hard to get out, don’t you want to start living your life again?” “We won’t have the money for a third until the twins are in school and by that time do we really want to have another baby?” “SERIOUSLY, how are you even considering this?!?!” 

Being a mother has been one of THE hardest things I have ever done in my life.  It is not all fairy dust and rainbows that people seem to portray on the outside.  The truth is that most of our days start out with pure chaos and tiredness from three kids who don’t know how to sleep.  There is constant defiance to get dressed or go potty so that we can make our best attempt at getting to work on time.  Then I spend my entire day thinking about and missing the crap out of my kids and wishing I could be with them every second of every day.  Then comes the moment I see them after work.  Which is met with a huge smile and a hug from Bray and then quickly turns into a crazed kid who fights getting put in his car seat, immediately takes off his right shoe and sock and throws a fit the entire way to pick up the twins.  Then comes the twin’s daycare.  Once again I’m met with huge smiles and hugs which quickly turns to Brody running away playing with all the toys while I’m trying to get him to put on his jacket and Beckham suddenly needing a drink from the water fountain which is the opposite direction of the front door.  Then they both have to push the exit button (which is unnecessary) before finally walking out the front door to the car.  They greet their daddy and Bray with a smile.  Bray loves seeing his brothers so he is calmed down by now.  Then the ride home.  Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.  This is where I will admit that I was an infertile girl saying I will never get tired of hearing my kids saying mom. I hate for this to even come out of my mouth, but it exhausts me!  I mean my husband even has to step in at times and be like ok boys, no more questions to mommy.  I do answer every single one and I would never tell my kids to leave me alone, but in my head I do think, you know daddy is here too!  Moving on.  We get home.  Brody tries to run on the side of the house.  Why? I have no idea! Beckham will not go in until he has gotten the mail even if we explain to him over and over that it’s a holiday.  Finally get all three kids inside and the second round of chaos starts.  Bray cries for dinner because he thinks he is a starved child even though he has already eaten a full meal at daycare.  He also does not want you to put him down at this point in the day and if you do you are the meanest mommy in the world and you can see the heartbreak on his face.  Ok child I will hold you while you are still crying for food and I will get undressed from work and get dinner going.  Just cherish this baby on your hip is what my heart tells me at this point.  So I dive into kisses and hugs.  This child loves hugs and pulling the crap out of my hair! So back to being frustrated because he has now managed to physically hurt me.  Put him down tell him no and watch him cry because I hurt his feelings. I now feel horrible!  The twins are running around tackling each other so I tell them someone is going to get hurt and we are going to have to go to the hospital.  Not sure they can even hear what I say over their giggles.  The giggles make me smile and make my heart swell but doesn’t take away my anxiety from their wrestling moves.  Dinner of chicken nuggets, hot dogs or noodles is served because it is the only thing I have time to prepare.  After all we only have about an hour and a half of an evening before bed.  Dinner is always a disaster.  The twins are throwing food or spitting or making tiger noises at each other which makes them laugh with a full mouth of food which again gives me anxiety because I think they are going to choke.  Bray likes to push himself away from the table which means he can’t reach his food which means he is starving and whines.  When dinner is done we are left with an enormous mess on the table and floor to clean up EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT!  Again, exhausting! Then have you ever tried to bathe three babies with only two sets of hands?  Or tried to talk them into getting out of the tub?  How about getting them ready for bed?  The twins run around like crazy people saying nakey, nakey.  Sure this is cute while I’m thinking back on it, but not in the moment when you have worked all day and you are purely exhausted and ready for bed yourself.  Just get dressed already!!  Then comes the absolute most exhausting part of the day.  I think most toddler moms know what I’m about to say…..BEDTIME!  The twins are great about walking to bed.  We get our last drink, go potty and then tuck in.   Then the fun starts.  Mom, I need a drink.  No. go to sleep. Mom, I need to go potty.  Ok. Can’t say no. They are potty training.  Mom, I need a hug and kiss.  Ok. Can’t say no to that either.  Mom, I need a book.  No. Go to sleep.  Mom. Come lay with me.  No. Go to sleep.  Even though I honestly would love to but don’t want to start that habit.  This is usually about an hour routine EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT!  Bray is still up at this point and in his sweetest moment I want to put him to sleep but for some reason he will not fall asleep in my arms.  So he lays with his daddy and falls asleep.  He is finally at a point where he stays asleep once he is laid down.  I get excited about this point in the night because I get to lay in my bed and relax.  Funny thing is I still have anxiety at this point because I know that rest is only for about 3 more hours until one of the twins wakes up and fake cries until we come in there, which also wakes Bray up who will cry for hours until we get him and put him in our bed.   We get four hours of sleep total on a good night and this has been going on for almost three years now.  The morning eventually rolls around and we start it over once again.  We have said numerous times lately that we are literally about to have a mental and physical breakdown. I want to point out that these are not exaggerations.  You could pick any given day to come follow our family and you would witness all of these things occurring. 

So, all of that nonsense brings me back to “How can you even be thinking about having another child?!?!” It’s simple really.  No matter what, at any given moment someone can ask me if all of that is worth it.  My answer 150% will always be ABSOLUTELY!   This is a season. It too shall pass all too quickly.  We both love our children with our every being and we both know we want to experience all of this one more time.  Right now is not the time for that, but if God blesses us with the resources you better bet that we try for another miracle.   And we won’t be trying for a girl.  We will be trying for another blessing to add to our already blessed life!


Faith said...

Oh girl, you are braver than I . lol! Even with my current sadness about Addy being done with nursing, I KNOW I can't handle a third right now (or ever). I do have that internal conversation that you had with yourself - but it's just with myself because my husband has always always said he only wanted 2 and he does NOT want any more kids. I think that's what breaks my heart - there is not even a glimmer of a hope for me:(. I will just read your posts and remember why 2 is just fine for me, thank you very much! lol! You are a super mama!

Amber said...

Yeah, so Paisley has entered the worst phase yet of extreme fits. They last an hour and happen everywhere. No matter who is looking. Even with my PCOS and birth control, I'm actually considering a tubal. But you go girl.

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3