Thursday, August 29, 2013

New Pics

I debated for a while whether or not to get the boys two year pictures taken because lets be honest,  this age isn't the easiest.  I imagined that there would be lots of screaming and not enough hands and really just the worst.  The more I thought about it though I knew I would regret not having these every year.  Not to mention Bray needed 6 month pictures. So I decided to go for it.  I'm so glad we did because they turned out great!  Beckham and Bray cooperated pretty good that day, but Brody was...well Brody :) It made it even better though.  We always use Nicole Hager and she is AMAZING! I know our family will stay with her for years so I hope she continues to use her talent for a long long time.  Here is how they turned out.  Enjoy!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

The Want to Protect

It has been 26 months since I became a mom.  You would think I would have experienced a majority of the emotions that come along with that title.  My boys have experienced the pain of smashed fingers and bruised knees.  They've been sick to the point that they just want to lay on me all day.  Brody has been hopsitalized twice with IV's sticking out of him. Beckham has been through x-rays, cat scans, and ultrasounds.  My heart has felt heavy with each of these.  As a mother you hurt with your kids and for your kids.  Last night I experienced something that I really hadn't even thought about before. 

We had just put the boys down for bed.  Robert was rocking Bray and I was doing laundry in the laundry room.  Brody came out of his room with his usual "I need a inasore" (dinasour).  I was hollering at him to go get back in bed and as he was coming into the kitchen something scared him.  I don't mean just made him jump a little, I mean full out pee your pants type of scared. He screamed and ran.  He was in complete panic and ran the other direction.  I have never seen him so scared.  I ran in there while Robert was trying to get him to come to him.  I picked him up and held him.  He was shaking and crying.  I calmed him down and told him to show me what he was scared of.  He very carefully took me into the kitchen and just pointed.  I really have no idea what scared him or what he saw but I just told him it was ok and held him.  Tears began streaming down my face at this point because I think reality set in that my little innocent babies that have yet to see the world are growing up.  They are entering an age where this corrupted world is going to show its face. They are begining to know what fear is.  I have this extreme want and need to protect them.  To shield them from everything bad out there.  I hate knowing that they will experience deep hurt from another human being.  They will experience failure and jealousy and resentment.  These things are all human nature.  It is inevitable and I as their mother cannot protect them from these things.  I cannot protect them from their feelings whether they are scared, hurt or angry. 

This mother thing comes with so many more things than I had anticipated.  I'm sure there are many more realizations to come.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Coming to an End

Bray is now a little over seven months old and I have made the decision that I am ready to stop breastfeeding.  I am ready physically and trying to be ready emotionally.  I had no idea how attached I was to nursing him.  I didn't realize how much satisfaction I got from it.  I didn't realize the bond it has created between me and him.  I remember having a  hard time making the decision to stop with the boys at 11 wks, but there were different factors involved.  I wasn't even making enough milk for half a bottle with either of them.  I wasn't really nursing.  Brody would latch on occasionally but that was it.  I was going back to work and it just didn't seem worth the time it was taking for the amount that I was making.  Bray has been different.  We had some issues in the beginning. He would latch great but wouldn't stay awake long enough to finish a feeding no matter how hard I tried to get him to.  Then the kid just loved to eat so even though I was producing a decent amount I still had to supplement with formula a couple of times.  Things have worked themselves out though and for the most part he has been strictly breastfed.  We nurse twice a day.  Once in the morning and once at night.  Ok that is a lie. This kid actually stays attached to me most of the night. He used to anyway.  We are slowly breaking that with some success.  I have several reasons for being ready to be done.  Some are selfish which puts a huge amount of guilt on me.  I've been holding on to my last 10-15 lbs and I haven't been able to get rid of it due to not really being able to diet and I'm honestly just starving at all times.  That is probably my most selfish reason, but it has led to a lot of issues for me.  I don't feel good about myself.  And speaking of guilt I for some reason get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime I have to make him a formula bottle now. I have no idea what this is about because the twins were formula fed for most of their first year and they are perfectly healthy two year olds. I also feel like there is judgement from others around me.  I honestly am at a loss for where these feelings are coming from. Some others reason are due to work and how busy I am. Taking out an hour of my day to pump really hurts my time at work.  Then there is the extreme exhaustion I have from three kids who for some reason don't know how to sleep.  So all I want to do at night is go to bed.  NOT PUMP!  And then in the mornings we are already always running late so taking the extra 15 minutes to pump makes things even worse.  I'm just ready to be done and my goal was six months which I have exceeded. I have gotten down to only two times a day.  Morning and night which are the times I nurse and then still have to pump after.  The problem is that I am ready mentally just not emotionally.  I can't seem to get myself to give up those two times.  Nursing comforts my baby when nothing else will.  And I really do love that extra special time first thing in the morning when I get to cuddle him up next to me and let him nurse.  And then probably the biggest emotional connection to this is that he is probably my last baby.  Somehow knowing that whichever time I decide is my last is the last time I will ever nurse a baby.  I spent so many years longing for this.  Yearning for a baby who needs his momma.  How can it be that this is over already?  I do realize that I am making this choice and I probably should just suck it up, but just because it's my choice doesn't mean I'm not sad about it.  I just know it's time.  I'm gonna miss this!
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3