Monday, August 12, 2013

Coming to an End

Bray is now a little over seven months old and I have made the decision that I am ready to stop breastfeeding.  I am ready physically and trying to be ready emotionally.  I had no idea how attached I was to nursing him.  I didn't realize how much satisfaction I got from it.  I didn't realize the bond it has created between me and him.  I remember having a  hard time making the decision to stop with the boys at 11 wks, but there were different factors involved.  I wasn't even making enough milk for half a bottle with either of them.  I wasn't really nursing.  Brody would latch on occasionally but that was it.  I was going back to work and it just didn't seem worth the time it was taking for the amount that I was making.  Bray has been different.  We had some issues in the beginning. He would latch great but wouldn't stay awake long enough to finish a feeding no matter how hard I tried to get him to.  Then the kid just loved to eat so even though I was producing a decent amount I still had to supplement with formula a couple of times.  Things have worked themselves out though and for the most part he has been strictly breastfed.  We nurse twice a day.  Once in the morning and once at night.  Ok that is a lie. This kid actually stays attached to me most of the night. He used to anyway.  We are slowly breaking that with some success.  I have several reasons for being ready to be done.  Some are selfish which puts a huge amount of guilt on me.  I've been holding on to my last 10-15 lbs and I haven't been able to get rid of it due to not really being able to diet and I'm honestly just starving at all times.  That is probably my most selfish reason, but it has led to a lot of issues for me.  I don't feel good about myself.  And speaking of guilt I for some reason get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime I have to make him a formula bottle now. I have no idea what this is about because the twins were formula fed for most of their first year and they are perfectly healthy two year olds. I also feel like there is judgement from others around me.  I honestly am at a loss for where these feelings are coming from. Some others reason are due to work and how busy I am. Taking out an hour of my day to pump really hurts my time at work.  Then there is the extreme exhaustion I have from three kids who for some reason don't know how to sleep.  So all I want to do at night is go to bed.  NOT PUMP!  And then in the mornings we are already always running late so taking the extra 15 minutes to pump makes things even worse.  I'm just ready to be done and my goal was six months which I have exceeded. I have gotten down to only two times a day.  Morning and night which are the times I nurse and then still have to pump after.  The problem is that I am ready mentally just not emotionally.  I can't seem to get myself to give up those two times.  Nursing comforts my baby when nothing else will.  And I really do love that extra special time first thing in the morning when I get to cuddle him up next to me and let him nurse.  And then probably the biggest emotional connection to this is that he is probably my last baby.  Somehow knowing that whichever time I decide is my last is the last time I will ever nurse a baby.  I spent so many years longing for this.  Yearning for a baby who needs his momma.  How can it be that this is over already?  I do realize that I am making this choice and I probably should just suck it up, but just because it's my choice doesn't mean I'm not sad about it.  I just know it's time.  I'm gonna miss this!


Amber said...

You did awesome, Kandice! I think 6 months is a great goal and especially while working and raising 3 kids. I'm struggling with weaning now too because it has been such a great experience for Graham and I.

Mrs. D'Amico said...

I don't know how you feel but I do have the guilt part. With Roman I obviously didn't breastfeed and I felt like all the moms around me judged me every.single.time I got a bottle and powder out. I felt it necessary to suddenly say we adopted him so they didn't think I was a selfish winch. It shouldn't have mattered but it did. It was the one thing I couldn't give him. Anyway, the fact that you say "probably" your last baby means you aren't 100% sure it is. So there's a chance you'll get to do it again :)

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3