Boys

Boys

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Finally the Story

Ok so as promised here is how the events of my finding out I'm pregnant unfolded.

On the Sat before my Beta test I woke up feeling extremely tired. It continued throughout that day and I'm pretty sure I took about 3 naps. I thought something was up then, so I waited for Robert to go to the gym and I went and took one of my cheap dollar tree tests. I didn't see anything at first, but then noticed a very very faint pink line. Now I know dollar tree tests are known to give evaps so I really didn't think much of it. I decided not to tell Robert just in case it was an error. It was actually a fun little (possible) secret to keep to myself for a night. That next morning worked out perfect because Robert actually got up before me so I ran to the bathroom and took an Answer test. I wish I could have recorded that look on my face when I saw two pink lines. It was a feeling I hadn't felt in a really long time! It was time to tell Robert the good news. I had had some Budoir portraits done for him back in February and while I was there I had her take a pic of me with the words I'm pregnant written on my belly. I had put it in the back of the book of pictures the week before just in case. I took it to him and said I have a present for you. He looked at me and said oh did you get more pics done. He opened it up and read those words he's been dying to hear. Then he asked me if I was sure and of course wanted a million more tests. lol. Hence the million tests from a previous post. I think he finally believed it after our beta. We only told my parents and his mom after the beta. We had planned to keep it to ourselves for a while afer that, but we all know how that turned out. Our families are so excited for us. They cannot wait to meet these two little ones.

Now on a more real note. I first one to say that I hope I do not hurt anyones feelings by the rest of this post. I know how hard it can be to hear pregnant woman complain about something that you want so badly, but please remember I was on this journey for 3 years 2 months and I know so very well the pain that goes with infertility, and I want you to know that I still feel like an infertile girl.

I am still so scared for this pregnancy. I feel myself not allowing myself to get attached to these babies or be excited about them. The first appointment we went to was the scariest day of my life. I was so nervous thinking the worst possible outcome. The second one was scary, but not as scary. And for the record the babies had made it past the point of my last pregnancy. It still doesn't comfort me though. I have one more appointment to make it through before I will feel like I can connect and enjoy this pregnancy. I just really can't imagine going through all of that again. I pray to God daily to keep my babies healthy and I actually have little pep talks with them to keep fighting. 6 more days and I hope I can move past what has become such an emotionally draining part of my life.

Morning sickness. AHHHHHHHHH.......... I'm pretty sure most days I feel like I just want to die. Weeks 8 and 9 were absolutely horrible! I was on the verge of wanting to go to the hospital because I could not keep anything I ate or drank down for a couple of days. And that is with taking 8mg of Zofran. It has since eased up a bit (TINY BIT). I still throw up about 4-5 times a day and feel sick for the most of the 24 hours in a day. All of this stared about 5 weeks so I am now going on 5 weeks of throwing up and feeling like poo daily. I don't know how I am surviving it, but I am. I'm PRAYING that it will only last 2 more weeks. PRAYING HARD! I can't remember what it feels like to feel good. I did stop the progesterone shots (PRAISE THE LORD) two days ago. I hope that gives me some relief as well. I know it will give my back some relief. The sickness is gradually getting better or at least I'm just getting use to it. I really do hope it means my babies are in there nice and snug. (Although this is not an indicator for me)

One fun thing that is happening is I do have a bit of a baby bump. It's really fun! I don't think I have officially "popped" yet, but I feel it coming. Stay tuned for belly pics.

I just want to say that I am very thankful, despite all of the madness, to be pregnant. I thank God daily for the blessings he has given us. I never dreamed that we would be doing In Vitro, but what a miracle (or two) we got out of it.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

8 Weeks

Wow! What a big week this is going to be for me and my babies. This is the week that my last baby lost it's life. It's the week where the heart is suppose to change from 2 chambers to 4 chambers. Someone how my last one never made it that far. This is the most crucial week for me right now. I have another ultrasound on Monday morning. I'm not sure that it will give me all that much comfort being I will be 8wks 2days and my last baby died at 8 wks 4days. SIGH! I appreciate all the prayers and please keep them coming.

I realize I still have not given a post about all the details and I still promise it is coming. I am still really sick. (At least what I think is really sick) I throw up at least twice a day if not more. Some days are better than others. I'm counting down till the 2nd Tri. And yes even though these babies are making me miserable every second of every day, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Because We're Bad at This

So we really planned on keeping this a secret until the second tri, but when the whole world knows that you did In Vitro I guess their curiousity gets the best of them and the questions do not stop just because you ask them tol. Robert kept reminding me that everyone was just excited for us. So without making y'all wait any longer. It is official. I AM PREGNANT. The best part of this news is IT'S TWINS!!!! I am measuring 6wks 2d. I will catch up on this later and let you know when I found out and all the details, but for now I feel like absolute dog poo. YAY for morning sickness.

Thanks for all the prayers!

And I'll leave you with some pee sticks.

Photobucket
Photobucket

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Happy Birthday

Today is one year from my angel babies due date. I cannot believe we should have a one year old child right now. It’s so crazy how fast time flies by. The pain has gotten easier and I don’t think about it as much as I used too. I will still never forget. Happy Birthday my angel baby.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Here We Are

51 shots
1 month birth control
1 semen workup (for Robert obviously)
1 mock transfer
2 rounds antibiotics
1 HIV etc test (for each of us)
6 vaginal ultrasounds
4 estrogen blood draws
1 surgery (ER)
1 ET
and roughly $500 (so far)

Here I find us in the two week wait. This is the scariest part of it all. In just one short week I will have my blood results. Positive or Negative.

We transferred two embies. One Grade B and one Grade D. The Dr said that the majority they transfer are C's and D's. So I know we had at least one really good one. We had no babies left to freeze. This actually comes as a huge relief to me, because if you can remember I struggled with this decision BIG TIME! I'm glad that God chose it for me. It also means though that if this doesn't work we have exhausted our IF coverage. We are not going to worry about that now though.

Bedrest was pretty miserable just like I thought it would be. The worst part was my back. It was killing me by Tuesday morning. They tell you have to lay on it too, and my cute husband was on back patrol. He would keep coming in there and making me turn on my back. I kept occupied with the magazines and movies and I did pick up Twilight. I am on chapter 8 and plan to read more today. So far it's good, but I'm still waiting for it to get really good. Robert made me breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. My MIL stopped by yesterday and brought some stew. Robert was probably happy he didn't have to cook for me anymore lol.

I am currently 3dp5dt. For those that don't know the terminology that is 3 days past 5 day transfer or 8 days past ovulation in a normal cycle. I am already so anxious to test, but I will wait it out. Keep the prayers coming. We appreciate them!

Monday, October 18, 2010

I Get It

In the beginning of this process I kept thinking how easy it was. Wondering why they said it was so stressful and hard on your body. I thought the birth control was a piece of cake, the lupron injections were easy, and even the stims were easy. I especially thought it was nice not having to take my temperature every morning or "HAVING" to have baby making sex. I think itwas right before Embryo Retrieval, when all of the sudden I got it. I knew what they were talking about and have since been reminded daily of how stressful and emotional IVF is. It starts with going in to the Retrieval scared that they wont get any good eggs. Then they make you wait 24 hours to tell you if any even fertilized. Then another 24 hours to tell if you have any babies still alive. And not to mention the Progesterone shots that take your breathe away. (I will come back to this). Now I am sitting here without a report since Saturday of how my babies are doing. My Embryo Transfer is today. This is the day that seals the deal. There is nothing I can do from here. At the end of this next week and a half I will either be pregnant or a I won't. I have not slept very well for the past few nights. It is finally setting in that this could not work. I am trying to be very positive, but at some point I also have to face the reality.

Back to the Progesterone. The first two shots did not hurt that bad. I was actually surprised thinking, ok this is going to be a piece of cake. But then from those 2 on they have hurt like hell. It literally takes my breathe away. Pretty sure I was almost in tears yesterday morning. Not to mention my butt/hip is so sore from the injections that when I turn in my sleep it wakes me up because it hurts so bad. I have already been playing schemes in my head of how I can get the Dr to give me suppositories if I am pregant instead of this stupid thing. Yes, it's that bad.

On a really happy note, I have some pretty amazing friends. I walked out on my porch last night to a huge basket of goodies. I wish I would have taken a pic to show, but I was so excited to see what was inside. I got a robe, two pairs of sweatpants, tons of magazines, Twilight, 3 movies, an amazingly soft blanket, and lots of candy. This is exactly why I feel like people should not keep Infertility quiet. I cannot imagine doing this without all of the wonderul support I have. I am not ashamed of what I am going through and I'm so blessed to have friends and family that are here to support and pray for me and Robert.

7 hours and counting and I will officially have two babies inside me. Then bedrest until Thursday. I will update everyone on what quality of eggs were transferred. Then after that you may not be hearing from me for a while.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

My Babies Day 3

Seriously, the wait for these phone calls is brutal. I will not be waiting for any more though. Today was the final update. I will now have to wait until I go in for my transfer which is scheduled for Monday at 2:15.
Here are today's numbers:

(1) 8 cell-Best one
(2) 7 cell- one is no change from yesterday
(2) 6 cell- good but she wishes they would have been at least 7
(4) 5 cell
(1) 4 cell- no change from yesterday

She said that the ones that are no change they will let sit for another 24 hours and if they still have no change they are discarded. I asked her if she was pretty confident that we would have at least one to transfer for Monday and she said she would be pretty suprised if we didn't.

I can't wait for Monday now. Well minus the bedrest. We have spent the weekend preparing. We went out and bought some easy food for Robert to make and a bed tray. A friend is bringing over some magazines and the first Twilight. Never really been interested in it, but hey I have 3 days to kill. We are still searching for some dog stairs for our bed. Rylan loves to play a game of jump down, want back up, jump down, want back up. I know I am going to go stir crazy, but it's for the best. We want that baby to snuggle in nice and tight.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Update Day 2

I don't really know much about what all this means, but here is the report for today:

(1) 7 cell
(1) 5 cell
(1) 3 cell
(2) 4 cell
(5) 2 cell

I was told that on Day 2 you want them to be anywhere between 2-4 or higher. So in my opinion it's looking ok. Also, if your counting skills are on it looks like that 10th one made the cut. I will get my final (I think) update tomorrow and they will schedule my transfer.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

We Have Babies

Let me first start off by saying how horrible the wait for that phone call was. I imagined every possible scenario on the other end of that line. Of course they were all the worst. Good news is they called before lunch time so I didn't have to wait long. Here are day 1's numbers

out of 13 eggs
9 Fertilized
2 polyspermic(meaning two sperm got in-not usable)
1 pronuclei (not sure what this really means but it could still turn in to a possible egg)
1 Immature (not usable)

I'm so happy with the results so far. I feel so blessed for things to still being going so well. I know they could turn at any minute. I am still a little bloated today and can feel pain in my ovaries a little more, but still nothing too big. Today was my last day of work for 10 days! I'm excited. I could possibly be a pregnant woman when I go back. Of course no one will know that :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Embryo Retrieval

We got to the hospital around 7:30 this morning. They took us back and got my IV hooked up. Within minutes it was time to go back. It's so neat because they do it all in the Fertility clinic. It makes you feel a lot more comfortable. I walked myself to the operating room and laid on the table. It didn't take long for them to shoot me up with the good stuff and I was out. I secretly wish I could be put to sleep like that every night. Of course the first question I asked when I woke up was how many did they get. And apparantely I kept forgetting I had already asked that because each time I did Robert would laugh at me and say you already asked that. Excuse me! lol.


Ok drum roll please................13 eggs. I'm so pleased with this number. I had this really big fear going in this morning that they would only get a few. I even gave myself a pep talk saying it only takes one. I feel pretty good. Just some minor cramping and bloating. Oh and apparently we had a pretty big earthquake today and I was out for it.

I also had to start my Progesterone shot today. You know the one with the 2" needle. I was so scared. Almost in tears actually. The nurse drew some nice little smiley faces on my butt to guide Robert. He asked if I was ready and this time he didn't hesitate. It went right in. I barely felt it. Thank you Lord! I will be on this shot for the next 2 weeks and possible through my 1st trimester(if applicable). I will get my update tomorrow to see how many fertilized. I'm not going to be able to concentrate on anything else until I get that call. Thanks for all the prayers. They are working.

Monday, October 11, 2010

4th and Final Follicle Check

Today was my last follicle check. The Dr and nurse had very pleasing comments and looks on their faces when they saw my follicles. I can't ever remember sizes so I secretly took a picture of my print out! I now have 10 follicles that are growing beautifully. Here are the sizes. The bottom number i what they consider the avg size. So that is what you are looking at. And 9.2 is my lining.


I just took my last shot of Lupron and I will be triggering tonight at 9 pm. So if anyone wants to play a cruel pregnancy joke on their signifigant other I will be able to produce a positive pregnancy test for about 5 days. Embryo Retrieval will be at 8am Wednesday morning. Lots of prayers please.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Follicle Check 3

We got up this morning at 7:00am (yes on a Saturday) to go to our 3rd check up. The Dr was the only one there so he actually drew my blood. He cracked some jokes and made some small talk with us. He is definitely more laid back on the weekends. I'm starting to get use to him and it's a good thing because he's had more action than my husband lately. Don't worry people Robert has been there everytime. LOL. He then did my ultrasound. My lining is at 8 which is where is has to be before retrieval. So we are good to go in that area. My dominant follicle is now at 15 so we are set to Trigger on Monday with Retrieval on Wednesday.

I turned in my pre-op papers today. I have the instructions for post Retreival and post transfer. Some of them are kind of funny. I can't believe that it is almost here. I remember starting the birth control thinking that it was going to be a lifetime away. In 4 short days I will officially be in the two week wait. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, October 8, 2010

A Little Video

Ok, so I decided i wanted to take a video of myself giving shots. You all read about it and some of you have actually done it, but I thought it would be neat to show what I do with my evenings. Ok so it's only about 10 minutes of my evening, but still. So here is your warning if you get light headed watching needles, do not continue with this post. My camera ran out of space mid film, so I had to start it over. That is why there are two. Enjoy!


video

video

Now notice how serious my face is lol. This is serious business.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Follicle Check 2

My follicles are still growing nicely. My Dr made the comment that my right side was doing a little better than the left, but that is no big deal. My largest follicle measured at 11 and they want it to be at 18 before we trigger. They increase by 2 every day, so that moves our retrieval date to Wednesday, Oct 13th. We were a little dissapointed because we had already taken our days off work and things with my bedrest had worked to where it fell on the weekend and Robert didn't have to take extra days off. One of the biggest upsets is that I was suppose to go to the Carrie Underwood concert on the 20th. I will now be on bedrest. This is when my inner child sets in and I want to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR". However, I will be doing whatever I can to make this work even if it means giving up my social life. Our next appointment is Sat and we will have one more on Monday. I will continue to give updates. Oh and my meds are still staying the same.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Follicle Check 1

I had my first appointment yesterday to check my follicles and do some blood work. I was super nervous going in because we could find out that I'm not responding to the stims and there are no eggs or very little eggs developing. Well that wasn't the case. They counted 14 follicles. She informed me that some may never develop in to anything, but I'm ok with that. The Dr likes to have at least 7 at retrieval, so we are on the road for success. My blood work was also good and they did not change my dosage of meds. I'm getting so excited. I can't believe my retrieval is Monday. Time really has flown.

Update on the shots. I am done with the Gonal F, and am now only on Lupron and Repronex. The Repronex has still not burned, however it does leave a huge knot on my stomach and makes it very sore. I'm running out of stomach space. Good thing I will be done with these shots on Friday!! I have my next appointment tomorrow. I will give another update then.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

22 Shots Down

22 shots down and roughly 32 more to go. This is being very hopeful that if I am pregnant that they will switch the progesterone shot to a suppository or a pill. I started my stimulation shots yesterday. I take my Gonal F at 6am and then my Repronex and Lupron at 6pm. I was super nervous because these were new shots and I had been told that the Repronex had been known to burn. I also was pretty nervous because the Repronex I had to mix myself. I had a minor freak out moment when I was trying to load the syringe with the liquid and it wouldn't stay pulled back. It just kept suctioning back. But I got it all figured out. My hands were shaking as I mixed it all. I got the needle in and braced myself for major burn. NOTHING! It was so simple, other than it taking longer because it is more liquid. Now I feel like I did something wrong though lol.

I have to admit, this process has been really easy. The money and just getting the meds have been the only stressful parts. I expected to be over the top maxed on stress level. I don't know if it is just because we have been through so much, that I'm excited to be at this point or If I'm finally just letting it all go. Either way I feel like my life has returned to a somewhat normal (fertile) life. And yes I realize how contradicting that sounds.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; Do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8

God is Good!!!!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Guess What

I get to turn my calendar to October tomorrow. (Picture me jumping up and down here). I have been waiting for this month to come. I can't believe it's time to get down to business and do this IVF.

Lord please watch over us these next fews weeks and guard our hearts. Amen!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Supression Check

Well my body decided to behave and we have achieved supression. The appointment was rather simple today until they started telling us how to use the next round of shots. Robert made the comment "I hope you're paying attention because I got lost a long time ago". Great lol. One of them is easy, the other, however, has a lot of put this on, twist this, mix this, do that. Whew I'm glad I'm not a nurse for a living. It takes talent. Although, I feel I should be certified to give shots after this.

We had to sign our forms on what to do with the embryos if we divorce. That is akward. And we chose to freeze our little babies. I found out today that this part is not covered by insurance and will cost us around $1000. Suprisingly this amount seems small. (Although of course I'd much rather have my babies for free) I start my stims on Saturday as long as the blood work comes back ok too, which according to my Dr it will. I was told the Repronex has been known to sting. I'm a little scared but I think it will be ok. I don't think I will really be freaked out until the 2 in long Progesterone needle has to hit my butt. I will update on Saturday how the 3 shots a day go.

One last thing BOOMER SOONER!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

For the Record

We have made the decision that we are not going to tell anyone the results of this IVF. I know this is going to be really hard considering a lot of people know that we are doing it. For the blogging world I will just not be posting for 2 months, positive or negative. Now, for our "real" world I would like to just ask that everyone respect the fact that we don't want to tell anyone and just don't ask. We will tell you when we are ready. If I am pregant I will be ready to tell the world around Christmas. So if you do not hear anything from me by then just assume I am too devastated to talk about it. I have positive thoughts though that I will be sharing some very exciting news and I can't wait to tell the world!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Financial Stress

I had a moment today where I let jealousy and depression show it's horrid face. We have always been financially stable with extra money to do as we please. We make good financial decisions for our future and worked hard to have this luxury. Somewhere in the last few months this has been stripped from us and we now find ourselves wondering where gas money is going to come from and cancelling plans because we can't afford to go out. You can say that the financial strain from Infertility has finally set in. I know jealousy is a bad thing and God tells us not to be, but I have to admit that it is hard when i see so many others who don't have to spend thousands of dollars just to get pregnant. Or those who don't have to work for anything. Life seems like it comes so much easier to some. How is it fair that we can't even go have a date night because we are so broke from buying meds to "MAYBE" get pregnant. And don't get me wrong this is worth every dime to us because it is what we want and what we chose, but I wish we didn't have to put everything else on hold because of it. I just want a break from things. I want that reward. I'm ready for the reward.

Shots have been going good. My belly looks like a mini war zone, but that's ok. I have been giving them to myself and I'll let Robert do them every once and a while. He informed me last night that I better let him practice before the progesterone shots. The man has a point. One week from today is my first appointment. I can't wait!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Mexico Vacation







A couple of weeks ago we went on a family vacation to Mexico. It was much needed for the both of us to forget about our Infertility and money woes, and it couldn't have been better timing because I started the Lupron injections the Tuesday after we got back. We go to Mexico every summer. It is one of our most favorite things to do. There are absolutely no worries there!!! I don't really have much to say just wanted to share some pictures. I will be updated about IVF tonight. Enjoy






Tuesday, September 14, 2010

First Shot Down



So tonight was the night I took my first Lupron injection. I have been so nervous for weeks knowing this was coming. Pretty sure my palms were even getting sweaty just now as I was waiting on Robert to get home from the gym. I will have to say that it turned in to quite a funny experience. I've been asking Robert all week if he was nervous and he kept telling me no. Well ha....that was a big lie. So 8:00pm hits and it was time. I asked him if he was ready and he said yes. I go grab the medicine out of the fridge and get my syringe and alcohol swab ready. We fill it up (we think we did anyway) and swab the injection site. Robert is about to come at my stomach at a straight up and down angle, so I inform him he might want to go in straight. So he gets on his knees and says, ok are you ready? One, two, three........and nothing. Ok lets try this again one, two, three....and nothing. We both start laughing and he says I don't even like needles myself. I asked if he wanted me to just do it and he said no I'll do it. We take a deep breathe, one, two, three and in it goes. It was over in two seconds. Of course I felt it, but it really wasn't painful. Whew I am so relieved to have that first one over with. It will be a piece of cake for the next two weeks of these shots. I took a picture of my counter. Pretty sure it looks like I'm running a drug ring. This is just the syringes and needles. I have the meds out in the extra fridge. On a side note, OU football finally started so I thought I would throw in a pic of us from the game. BOOMER SOONER!!!





Friday, September 3, 2010

Meds Check

I finally got all my meds ordered and most are on their way. It wasn't of course without some freak out moments and high stress. The first mail order pharmacy they called my prescriptions in to said my insurance wasn't covering them and she proceeded to tell me that one of them....are you ready......was $2200. I about fell over. Actually more like almost started bawling. I was thinking how could they not cover and oh no I'm going to have to cancel my IVF cycle. Come to find out my insurance makes you go through their mail order company for specialty drugs. Whew. So I have 4 meds on the way for a total of $286. I also got my progesterone ordered which they said would cost me no more than $90. So to keep track we are now at a total of $554. I still have (i think) about 4 more coming. Big sigh!! It's going to be worth it, it's going to be worth it, it's going to be worth it.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Mock Transfer Equals OUCH

I have my appointment yesterday for my mock transfer and bloodwork. They do an ultrasound to measure things and then they do a mock transfer which is just as it sounds. They get the measurement for how far the little catheter type thing will be going in. The Dr started off by saying how it wont feel much different from my inseminations. Um that was a lie. It took my breath away twice and I'm pretty sure I squealed. You know I would rather not know what it is going to feel like prior. Now I have to go in to the real transfer knowing. Although he assured me again that the real one wont hurt as bad because I wont be on my period and they will have me take two advil before I come in. Not sure if I want to believe him this time. lol. They also had a chance to look at my ovaries and take a guess of how many eggs they should be able to retrieve. He counted 7 on the right and 9 on the left. That's a pretty good number if you ask me. I just got done taking my first birth control pill and my anitbiotic. I can say for the first time in 36 months that I know for a fact that I will not be pregnant this month. The birth control thing still weirds me out. It's so random that to get pregnant they want me to take birth control that prevents pregnancy. Crazy concept. Robert started his antibiotics today too. They were nice enough to give us a substitute of the ZPack because the other meds make you sensitve to sun and we will heading to Mexico in a week!!! Our pocket book took a big hit yesterday. Here is what we have spent so far and it is only day 3:

Dr Visit for Mock Transfer - $20.00
Blood work for me and Robert- $88.00
Birth Control Pills- $50.00
Antibiotics for me and Robert-$20.00

That's a grand total of $178.00. Ouch. I know we are fortunate enough to have insurance covering most of this, but man this is a lot of money to us and It's just begun. Bring it on though! We are both so ready for our miracle. We look at babies and can't help but have this huge smile knowing that COULD be us very soon. If this works my dute date would be sometime in June 2011. I've always wanted a summer baby!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

IVF...Here We Come

As you can probably tell by the title of my post, I got a visit today from a very unwelcomed guest. My cousin called to check up on me and asked how I felt about it. Was it easier this month than last knowing that I'm moving on to bigger and better? Honestly, I don't really know. While I was waiting to start the emotions were just so much different because the outcome this time was different. I wasn't just moving on to the next cycle, we were moving on to In Vitro. I'm excited and dissapointed at the same time. I told Robert on the way home today that I never thought it would come to this. He agreed. This is technically the end of Fertility treatments. There isn't anything else we can do help get pregnant after this. What if it doesn't work? I'm going to really try and keep a positive outlook. I'm thinking triplets :) So we will be taking applications for free live in nannys. I thought I would give ya'll an outline of when things will happen. I'm really hoping to document all of this through my blog. Oh and ps. Amber I hope you are ready for me to come over every night at 8pm so you can give me my shots. Not sure that I trust Robert yet lol. JK I know you have an amazingly beautiful daughter that you will be taking care of. Congrats again!!!!! Ok here is the rough timeline:

8/27/10 Begin birth control and antibiotics
9/14/10 Begin Lupron injections 8PM every night
9/27/10 Suppression Check
9/27/10 (week of) start FSH 8AM and HMG 8PM every day
10/4/10(approx week of) Every other day appointments to watch follicles
10/6/10 (approx) HCG trigger shot
10/8/10 (approx) Egg Retrieval and Fertilization Begin Progesterone shot daily
10/9/10 receive call to see how many eggs fertilized
10/11/10 Embryo Transfer (2 eggs)
10/11/10-10/13/10 Bedrest
10/16/10 Appt to check Progesterone level
10/22/10 Am I pregnant???? Blood test

October seems so far away, but I know it will fly by. I have decided that we will be freezing our eggs. I don't know if insurance will cover this so I might have a house to sell if anyone is looking. I could use a ton of prayers through all of this. Thanks in advance. You all have been an amazing support to me. I hope you know how much it is valued.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

IVF Class

Well we had our official IVF class on Tuesday. We walked in not knowing what to expect and thinking it would probably be a little overwhelming. We were both surprised by the amount of people and the variation of ages. We had 10 couples and the ages ranged from probaby about 25-35. It wasn't at all as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. Actually it was quite amusing to be in a room with so many men and be openly talking about menstrual periods. Probably even more crazy that all these men knew about everything the nurse and embryologist were talking about and they were the ones with questions!!!! 3 years ago they probably didn't even know what ovulation was. We didn't learn much more in the class than we read in our packet. Seemed like they just talked about A LOT of shots. Or maybe that is all I could think of. The success rate right now for IVF is 68% with a 30% chance of twins and 3% chance of triplets. I'm actually ok with these statistics. If God wants me to have 3 little babies, so be it.

There is one big thing that I am struggling with big time. We have the choice to freeze our eggs for later use. Part of me does not think this is morally right. My struggle comes though with the fact that at the Bennett Fertility Clinic they are not allowed to dispose of eggs. So if I choose ahead of time not to freeze any than they are only allowed to fertilize the amount of eggs (give a few) I want put back in, and there is a chance that they would not delevop to transfer to me. If we do decided to freeze them it is roughly $3000 for the first year then about $47 a month after until you decide what to do with them. There are a couple of options if we did not use those eggs. We could donate them to research, donate them to another couple, or they would insert them back in to me at a time when I am not ovulation so they would basically be disposed of by me or something like that. I would of course chose the 3rd. Those are still our babies, embryos or not. The goal is to not have to go through IVF again. I have this huge amount of hope that this is a one time thing for us. After this we hope to be that couple that the infertiles hate because we just can't quit getting knocked up. ok so I'm kidding. Anyway, I'm having a really really hard time with this decision and I have to decide pretty soon.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

A Lot to Catch up on

Wow where do I start. I'm getting really bad about posting here lately. I've been doing a fitness bootcamp at night so when I get home it's pretty much straight to bed. Ok, first. My grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer last week. This has been pretty hard to deal with. Actually, I'm not sure I know how to deal with it. I've never lost anyone in my family (minus my baby of course). Right now I'm just praying for God to either heal him or if it's time for him to go to heal my family and know he is in a better place. As of now he is not going anywhere though. He had surgery yesterday to remove 1/3 of his lung. He took a while to wake up, but when he did he was back to his witty self. He is doing amazing. Please just keep my family in your prayers.

I also had my 10 year high school reunion this past weekend. It was so much fun. I can't believe 10 years have gone by so quickly. I saw a lot of old friends. I still wish more would have came. Here is a pic of all the girls and me and my husband.

Photobucket
Photobucket

We did our 3rd and final IUI yesterday. This one actually was pretty painful. I'm not sure what was so different, but I cramped all night. I'm actually thinking I ovulated the day before which would be the earliest I think I have ever ovulated. Don't worry we have our bases covered ;). It's almost bittersweet knowing this is the last one. It has become such a part of me and who I am. At the same time I'm so happy to put this behind me. Even if we do have to move on to IVF at least it's something new and more promising. Prayers Prayers and more Prayers please.

Friday, July 30, 2010

A Little Overwhelmed

If you've noticed a lack of my "i'm pregnant" post, it's because I"M NOT! Imagine that. I went in for my 3rd and final pre- IUI work up today. Nothing new to do this month. I did however discuss how we are ready to move on to IVF after this cycle if it doesn't work. My Dr. said he is willing to entertain the idea and sent me to get the IVF packet. I never thought reading material could get one person so overwhelmed and worked up. I knew that IVF was an invasive procedure, but reading the actual day to day steps just somehow hit me really hard. I actually starting crying reading it. Not only am I overwhelmed with the actual process, but I also have to figure out some way to go to frequent Dr. appointments and have surgery without telling work. I just moved to a new position and I really just don't want them knowing this part of my life. Most of it is because I don't want the constant questions and looks wondering if I'm pregnant yet. If you know what I mean? Another thing that hit me like a ton of bricks is the cost of things. Again, yes I knew how much it was, but now to see it broken down is crazy. We have to attend an IVF class on Aug 17th and just the class is $77.00. Then we will randomly be paying $44.00 (unless insurance covers this) for office visits such as getting tested for HIV, Hepatitis, blood type, and cholesterol. Who does this to have a baby? Us apparently. And not to mention the enormous amount of meds I will be on and have to pay for. So next time we tell you we can't afford hamburger buns, we have a reason. I have been spending a lot of time in prayer lately. I am trying to come to better terms with why we are going through this. Why we have to sacrifice so much when others don't. I just keep picturing holding our baby for the first time and know that this will all be worth it someday.

If this IUI doesn't work I will start the IVF process which starts with birth control pills (ironic yes) on August 28th. My surgery for retrieval of my eggs would be around October 9th and the transfer would take place around 3-5 days later. That would put me finding out around October 23rd. Seems like so far away.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Thank You Self Magazine

I subscribe to Self magazine and was pleasantly suprised when I received the August 2010 issue. They covered a 5 page (yes 5 page) story on a womans struggle with infertility and the shame that goes with it. It went on to talk about infertility being a disease, just like cancer, that no one wants to talk about. There are groups out there trying to bring awareness to it and to raise money and beg governments for more research, but they have no one rallying behind them. Why are we so ashamed of this? It's not like we chose it. It doesn't make us any less of a human being. What it has done is made us stronger and honestly more appreciative. I am not ashamed of my infertility. Oddly enough it has become a part of me and it has shaped me to be the person I am right now. I am proud of how much love and appreciation I will have for our child because I know the struggle and heartache it took to have that child in my arms. For those of you struggling with infertility please speak out. Go pick up a copy of this magazine and read the story. After you have done that you can go to www.self.com and make your comments and they will become part of the CDC's National Action Plan to address the causses of prevention and infertility.

Thank you to Self for putting this out there for others who do not know what we go through to read. I know there are a lot of people out there that think having children is a choice, but I would like to see those very same people striped of their right to have a child and see what they think then. It's easy to judge and make your opinions when you've never walked in that persons shoes.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

A Wonderful Father

I don't even know where to begin to tell you how great of a father Robert is going to be. He has such a passion for kids. He is so caring and loving. So non judgmental and open. It brings tears to my eyes to sit and daydream about us having kids and how amazing he is going to be. He deserves to be a father. What if I can't ever give that gift to him? What if he never becomes a father? I can only imagine the questions he has in his mind about all of this. We know several absent fathers. Why did they get that blessing when they don't even appreciate or want it. They don't deserve it. Robert deserves it. He deserves to tear up while seeing his child for the first time. He deserves to have the overwhelming feeling of love. Not only is my heart breaking for me, but it breaks for him too. He stays so strong through all of this. I know he does it for me and I appreciate it. He is my rock through this. He has kept me going when I want to quit. I am forever grateful to God for sending him to me. Whether we have children or not at least I know that I have one incredible blessing in life. My husband.

On a side note, I will do my 2nd IUI tomorrow morning. Lots of prayers please.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

This is Scary

I can remember dreading that yearly appointment with my lovely OB/GYN. It was horrible and not something I looked forward to. I would go sit in the waiting room all clamy because it was mortifying knowing you were about to go put your legs up in stirrups and let a complete stranger be in your business. Oh and it's even better when they have students in there. Well I had my vaginal ultrasound on Friday before I can start my Femara. While I was driving home it dawned on me that I don't even think twice anymore about that being uncomfortable. It's like it has become second nature to strip down and let a Dr be in my business. I don't get nervous or uncomfortable anymore. I find this very troubling and had to share. LOL.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

MIA

I know I have been missing lately, but I have a good reason for it. Our house got struck by lightning and it blew out all of our electronics. So needless to say I have been without a computer for a month while we have been trying to deal with the insurance company. I am up and running now though. I feel like there is so much I need to catch up on. Where to start. Ok we decided to pull the for sale sign out of our front yard. Money just seems to be getting tighter and tighter and we want to be able to still enjoy things in life. There was no necessary reason for us moving, so we will be staying a little longer. And maybe in a couple years a certain you know who will not be running our country and we will actually get the money we work hard for.



We also made a huge decision today. We have decided to do IVF. I don't want to get in to too many details of why we decided this because for now I feel like that's between me and my husband, but let's just say the heartache of hearing all the "oops" has finally taken its toll on both of us. We will be doing two more IUI's first, but if those don't work then we will be starting the IVF process in September. I'm extremely scared to think about us doing this. I don't know if my biggest fear is the $15,000 it will cost, the daily self injections, or the heartache of the possiblity of someone telling me it didn't work. We only have one try at this. Our insurance will only cover one. I never thought I would see the end of the "treatment" road. What happens after this? Do we just keep trying for 5 more years? The emotional roller coaster I have been on for 3 years now has been bad, but I can't even begin to fathom all the emotions that I will feel with this.



I wanted to explain the process a little just in case there are those who read my blog that don't know. I will talk to my Dr more about everything on Friday, but this is what I understand so far.

I will take birth control pills for three weeks. Then for the next two weeks I will give myself a daily injection of lupron. I then go in for an ultrasound to make sure my eggs are ready for fertility injections . Then in the 6th week I will take several injections per day to stimulate my eggs. During that 6th week I go to the dr several times for ultrasounds and blood work. During the 7th week I will go in to have the egg retrieval. I have to be sedated for this. I will then wait 3-5 days until my eggs are ready and they will be inserted back in me. I then I have to basically be on bed rest for 2 days. Now if this doesn't sound like a romantic way to conceive a child......



I'm literally in tears thinking that this is how we have to have a child. I have asked God why so many times. I am praying so hard that it happens before this. But if it doesn't and we have to do this at least I know without a doubt that no one can question on us on how bad we want a child.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Faith Tested

Most people won't touch this topic, but I'm going to. FAITH! Over my life time I've been taught to have faith. It's what I've read in the Bible and learned in church. It's all been simple until it's been tested. One or two times it was easy. It was like ok God, I can do this. Throw it at me. Then there comes a point though when that 15th time (and I'm not exaggerating) becomes too much. It all goes out the door. How can you be the one who has the most faith out of anyone you know and still get handed the most painful punishment? Where does your commitment to faith or lack there of come in? How does our God work that way? Does he say ok I'm going to make you struggle and test your faith, the one who has been faithful to me.While the couple down the road who has never stuggle to have a child and never had faith in God can ask for forgivness on their death bed and go to Heaven? I don't get it anymore. And honestly I'm not sure if I have faith anymore. I know this is going to kill my parents if they read it, but honestly how can I? I have watched so many people around me get what they want (and in some cases not what they want). We're still here. Ground zero. Still with the thought that even if we do get pg again, will it be a cruel joke? Like haha tricked you again? Suffer some more pain because you haven't suffered enough. I still believe in God and I will NEVER turn my back on that, but the faith I have is slowly fading away.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Lets Catch Up

Sorry, I've been really bad about blogging lately. I think I've ran out of emotions. First let me tell you how Mothers Day went for me. The best part of the day was when my wonderful husband brought me home flowers and a card (from the puppies). It was so sweet of him to think of doing that. As soon as I read the card my emotions just let lose. I BAWLED my eyes out. I had been bottling up all that I was feeling and I finally just let it go. He thought that he had done something wrong. hah men. They are so funny sometimes. He told me he was scared to bring them because he didn't know if it was the right thing to do. I hate that he even has to question that. I wish it was just simple and he could bring me flowers with joy because I am the mother of our child, but I'm technically not. Even though we know we have a child in heaven. That wasn't my only melt down. We went to his moms and celebrated and I was fine there, but then we went to my parents. When we were telling them bye I just busted out again. I cried hard that time. Like can't catch your breath hard. There is just so much pain involved with Infertility and Miscarriage that you can't understand unless you have been there. I know all these people around me feel so sad for me. I really try not to place that burden on my friends or parents, but sometimes I just need to get it out. By the way thank you Marie. I had another good cry with her too the same night. So enough about my emotional mess.

The other thing that happened big in our life recently is we decided to sell our house. We have found some land that we want to build our next home on. Hopefully it will sell soon and we will be "semi" country folk by next year. It makes me really sad to think about not living in this house. This is where we started our journey. There are so many memories here in just 3 short years. But once we move maybe it will be like a fresh start.

I'll try and keep up more. Maybe something exciting will happen soon :)

Friday, May 7, 2010

Can We just Skip This One

This week has been a really rough week in the fertility department. I have been in the last week of the wait to see if I'm pg, all the while knowing I'm not because of my temps. Today my temp took a nose dive which means my period is on the way. Perfect. Just in time for Mothers Day. And not just any Mothers Day. The Mothers Day I was suppose to have a 6 month old baby. I was suppose to be a first time mom this year. I was suppose to get recognized. Instead I will be fighting back tears every second on Sunday. I really would like to just skip this Mothers Day and sit at home and have a good cry. I've kept this pain pretty hidden over the past few months. I've thought I was fine. I had thought I found new hope with the surgery, but what I have found is that all to familiar pain. I feel very alone. Just in the past couple of weeks there have been more babies born and more pregnancy announcements. I'm so happy for these people, but I hate that it's a reminder to me just how long we have been trying. I need a vacation from life right now, but since we've racked up a $1200 bill that is what our money will be going to. This just doesn't seem fair sometimes. We work hard, we deserve to treat ourselves. Why is it that we have to pay for a child? Is it not enough that we have to suffer month after month. Shouldn't we be able to afford to take a break? I just want it all to go away.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Have You Missed Me

It's been a while since I have posted. Honestly it's because I really haven't been thinking about this infertility crap! I started a fitness bootcamp two weeks ago and I've really just been focused on getting back in shape and healthy again. I didn't temp at all the first part of the month. I kept setting my thermometer out and when I would wake up I was too lazy to stick it in my mouth. I finally picked it back up on cd 13 because I was having some mid cycle spotting and was worried it was from ovulation and I would miss it. But it wasn't, so I'm not sure what that was about. I'm on cd 16 right now and haven't ovulated yet, which is pretty late for me. I'm sure I will within the next few days and it's on to the wait again. I really think I'm at a point that I don't care if I get pg in the next few months. Like I said in my earlier post, I'm really just tired of it all. Quite honestly it's been really refreshing to not be worrying about it. Another big reason I don't really care right now is because we have about $1600 in medical bills. $1200 of that is from my surgery. Another $200 is from Robert's portion of our IUI. People who know me know I freak out when I have outstanding bills. Don't get me wrong I will still probably cry if I am not pg this month, but at least the in between isn't so bad right now.

Today is one year since we found out that our baby hadn't survived. I honestly don't think I will ever forget how painful that day was. I will say that I am very proud of how far we have come since that day. Both emotionally and in our marriage. As much as that day hurt for both of us I wouldn't change a thing. I still trust that this is God's plan for us. I said it right after and I'll say it again. I feel so blessed that God chose this journey for us.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Can I Take It Back?

Sometimes I wish no one knew what we were going through. I feel like the first thing people are thinking when they see me is "is she pg yet?", "should I ask questions?". I wish I could keep this all between me and my husband now. I don't regret telling people because the support has been amazing over the past 2 years, but now that we are closing in on 3 years I'm just kind of tired of talking about it. I'm tired of thinking about it, obsessing over it, and letting it control me. I don't want to put on that fake smile and say yes I know it will happen eventually. Truth is, I don't know that. No one knows that. In two weeks we will officially be considered infertile for the 2nd time. (you know the definition a couple trying for at least a year) I can't believe it's almost been a year since our baby was taken from us. I'm crying as I type this because I miss our baby so much. I never thought that we would still be here a year later empty handed and brokenhearted. It hurts to stop and think about how much time has really passed and the babies that have been born and the ones who are about to celebrate their 2nd birthday. I'm ready to move on from this "attachment" to our marriage. I just want to be Robert and Kandice again.

"Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see" Hebrews 11:1

Friday, March 26, 2010

This Is Where We Are

I had my follow up appointment with our RE yesterday. He repeated most of what I already knew. I even got pictures of my insides. How cool is that. Infertility Rocks. Um no it doesn't, but that was probably one of the coolest things to see besides hubby's sperm swimming. He gave us the ok to try again and he wants us to do it on our own for a few months. I was so happy to hear him say that because that is exactly what Robert and I wanted to do. I would love nothing more than to be able to conceive on our own. And with me starting a new job I wouldn't really be able to randomly take off for treatments. I have new hope and it feels amazing. It feels like I am almost back to the early months of trying. We all know mentally that's not the truth, but for the first time in a long time I feel like we have a chance again. So please continue to keep us in your prayers. We'll see what the next few months bring.

This is an article I wanted to include. I got if off another blog. I would encourage you to read it. It explains so well what couples with infertility deal with on a daily basis.
http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie

Saturday, March 20, 2010

And the Conclusion Is

I have stage I endometriosis on my ovaries. The procedure went really well and the Dr. was able to laser it all off. They found that both my tubes are open and working properly. YAY!! I'm not sure what this means exactly. Like if this could have been the cause of our Infertility or not. I will be meeting with the Dr. on Thursday and will get to ask questions. My number one question will be if we are able to try this month. We are restricted from intercourse right now until he gives us the clear. I'm a little nervous because Thursday will be cd 14 and I hope I haven't ovulated by then. I feel more at ease now. The final test is over and now I feel like I have some breathing room. I want to thank my husband for being such an amazing man and taking care of me. My parents were also there to support me and I hope they know how much that means. This week I have also realized how many wonderful friends I have. I got so many texts before and after my surgery. I love you all, and thank you so much for your support. Thank you Lord for all I have been blessed with.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Things Are Changing

Well I think my bad luck streak is officially over. I got a call on Monday morning when I arrived to work telling me that they would like to offer me a new position. This could not have come at a better time as I think I was about to be laid off due to the sale of my division. So I hope this is the start of good things to come in 2010.

I also would like to mention that even though I have surgery on Friday and will be actively trying to conceive this month, I have not even really thought about my infertility. I should be temping, but I can't even remember to do it in the morning. I can't tell you how much of a difference it has made in me over the past month. I have been thinking like a fertile person. I've made decisions based on what I want to do, not "well I might be pregnant". And get this. I shed no tears or thought twice about starting my period last month. It hasn't been what defines me lately and it's been nice.

God works in the most strange ways. I am so thankful to Him. I have trust again.

"God is the light that shows me the way, for there is nothing that God cannot do"

Monday, March 8, 2010

Rescheduled

I just got off the phone with the nurse and my surgery has been rescheduled for March 19th. I"m so excited. Now I need your prayers that I will be better by then. It's two weeks away. Let's hope so.

An update on my weight loss. I am stuck at 5 lbs. I didn't even eat a whole lot over the weekend and I still didn't lose weight. (because I was sick people, not starving myself). I really need to work a little harder at this. Man getting older sucks.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Quick Update

Well as if I didn't have enough bad luck coming my way here's some more. I have been sick the past few days with what I think is the flu. So needless to say I can't have my surgery tomorrow. I should be really pissed right now, but I'm not. I think having this break has been kind of nice, and I don't mind extending it out a little longer. Trust the Process!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Can I Get a Break Please

It's the old saying, "when it rains it pours". I mean seriously I just want one thing to go right. Give me that new job I've been wanting, pay raise, positive pg stick, free mortgage. (ok that's a little extreme) We did our taxes yesterday and guess how much we are getting back?....... NOTHING! We owe. Guess how much we owe? $622. REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS GOVERNMENT!!! And you know what the biggest slap in the face is? If we had a child we would probably be getting money back. Well guess what Obama, we're trying. Does that count for anything? I know it's life, but I just need to get my frustrations off my chest. And I will leave with the bottom line. LIFE ISN'T FAIR!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

This is my Story

This Sunday will mark a year since I found out I was pg with our first child. I had told Robert a few days before we found out that I thought I was. For some reason I just had a feeling that month. I woke up that Saturday morning and took a test. I had actually been bummed two days before because I had gotten a negative. I sat the pee stick down that morning (12dpo) and didn’t expect anything from it. After all I had been through this 18 times before and I knew the disappointment I thought I was about to feel. I finished up my business and picked it back up. There was a line and not just a control line that has shown up before, no this was a second line. I was wondering if I was seeing things at first. But I knew I wasn’t. I kept quiet because I wanted to kind of surprise Robert. I took it to the living room and hid it under the blanket. When he came in I pulled it out and showed him. He couldn’t believe it. He gave me the most passionate kiss I have ever received from him. It was like a release. Finally we could enjoy each other and not have “baby making” in the FRONT of our minds. I was ready to tell the world, but he wanted me to take a few more tests to make sure that there really was a second line that would keep appearing. Sure enough, it did.

I had thought of a way I wanted to tell my parents that involved our puppies. I bought some baby t-shirts from Target and went and got iron on letters from Hobby Lobby. I put Big Brother on the back. We invited my parents to go to dinner that night and afterwards we asked if they wanted to come in. As soon as we got in I said oh you have to see these shirts we bought for the dogs. So I went in the bedroom and dressed them up and then let them loose. My parents were just saying oh they look so cute. They weren’t quite catching on. I said did you see what it says. As soon as they read it there eyes both just starting swelling with tears. We also went and told his family that day. They were really excited too. They haven’t had a baby in the family for a while.

Flash forward 4 weeks and we are at our first appointment. Still naïve as ever. Seeing our baby on that screen and hearing its heartbeat was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. That was our baby. Our life that we created together. I didn’t realize at that point that that would be the last time we ever saw our baby.

During the next 4 weeks I experienced morning sickness ALL DAY, headaches, bloating, sore boobs. All the things that infertiles long to feel. I ate a Taco Bell bean burrito almost ever night because it was the only thing that ever sounded good. I never had a single sign or thought that something was wrong. At 10 weeks I was already starting to get a little pooch. I was so excited that I would be showing soon. I have always loved pg bellies and mine was going to be one soon.

April 24th, 2009 turned out to be the absolute worst day of my life. It started off very exciting. I was so happy to be able to hear our baby’s heart beat again. The day before the Art’s Festival was in town so my girlfriends, Robert, and I all went to eat lunch. One of them even commented on my boobs getting big already. Sweet! I think somehow Robert knew that day that everything wasn’t ok. He just kept telling me that he hoped the appointment went well tomorrow. I thought surely nothing could be wrong because I had had morning sickness and my tummy was growing. Wouldn’t I have spotted if something was wrong? The next day I headed to the Dr. I was alone that day because Robert had just started his new job and we thought it was a minor appointment he could miss. P.S. I will never go to a Dr. appointment without him again. As soon as I walked back to the room and laid on the table for them to hear the heartbeat I got an overwhelming sense of fear. I think even I at that point I could feel something was wrong. The assistant couldn’t find the heartbeat. The PA came in and tried and couldn’t either. They were very encouraging that sometimes you can’t find it on the Doppler that early. Although I was almost 12 weeks. They sent me for an ultrasound at the hospital. They couldn’t tell me the results there because of HIPPA laws or whatever, but I should have known when she asked me if I was sure of how far along I was.

I now had to wait for the PA to call me. I went to my friend Tricia’s office to kill some time before I had to go pick Robert up from work. I will never forget the moment that phone rang and the PA’s voice on the other end. I’m not sure I even know what she said to me, but I know that right there I knew what she was about to tell me. My heart sank. How could this be happening to me? Why would God do this? We worked hard for this child. We don’t deserve this. So many emotions and thoughts were running through my head. I called Robert and told him I needed to come pick him up. Then I called my dad and just sat there and asked why. My Dad prayed for me and Robert right there on the phone. He’s always been good at being the spiritual leader.

Robert and I went home that day and just held each other and cried. The next few days were extremely hard. I would just randomly bust out in tears. Even in the middle of the night. I would just wake up and start bawling. The pain was so much to handle. I have amazing friends and family that sent us flowers, brought us food, and just sent text letting us know that they were thinking about us. You are all amazing and we are so blessed to have you in our lives. I had my D&C on that Monday April 27th. That’s when it became official. My dream was over just like that.

I never thought I would be here a year later with a Clomid round, 3 Femara rounds, IUI, laparoscopic surgery, and several born babies and still not holding our own child. If you would have asked me 2 ½ years ago when we started this if I would have imagined that I would be this strong. I would have told you no way. But you know what? I am strong. I have endured, and I will prevail. I will not let this get the best of me, my marriage, or my faith. I AM STRONG.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Me Against the World

Is it me or is every single person pg? I mean even the infertiles are all pg now. Don't get me wrong I am EXTREMELY happy for them, but come on. Did it have to happen all at once where I feel like the lone ranger left behind. All of the girls except one on my pregnancy boards are pregnant. And the one who isn't just started trying again so I'm sure she'll be knocked up soon. Then it seems like every blog I've read lately is saying "I'm pregnant"And not to mention anytime I open Facebook, walk in to a store, or even walk in to work it's a pregnant lady fest. Close your legs people....ok ok that was a joke. I know I sound like a complete mean girl here, but I'm not mad at the preggos. When I say I'm happy for them I really truely am. I've said it a million times. I would never wish for anyone to feel this pain. I'm just emotionally drained from watching everyone else get to feel the greatest joy in life and trust me I've watched a lot!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Dear Belly Fat.....You Suck

Since I am officially on a mandatory break from TTC due to the laproscopy I am going on a mandatory diet. Ok I’m the one making it mandatory, but seriously it’s much needed. I cleaned out my closet the other day and pulled out about 20 pairs of jeans, slacks, skirts, and shorts that if I would lose about 15 lbs I could fit back in to. That’s a whole new wardrobe folks. And not to mention the tight little tube tops that I love wearing in the summer time, that I can no longer wear because I have a gut. It’s time to take charge! So I will not be large hah. I like my rhyme. So anyway, my goal for now will be 10 lbs by the time I have my surgery on March 5th. This is a very attainable goal. I am going to try and post some pics too of before and after. Of course with clothes on. You will be able to tell in my face. That’s usually where I lose/gain weight noticeably first. So wish me luck. I’m not very good at dieting these days.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Just One Day

I think us infertiles should be allowed one day a month to just stay at home and kick things, throw things, curse things, and just simply bawl our eyes out until be can’t breathe and our eyes are swollen shut. Is that too much to ask? This is what I feel like doing the one day that the stupid hag decides to show and crush my dreams of motherhood one more month. But I can’t. I have to put myself together in the morning makeup and all and go to work and act like my life is perfect. Like I’m the happiest person in the world who has everything. Man, if these people I came in contact with every day only knew the slightest amount of pain I feel they would be in disbelief. I’m just ready for this pain to stop. I want to cry tears of joy not tears of heartache. Enough is enough.

Friday, February 5, 2010

All Time Low

I just have to share my dream with you to let you know just how bad it has gotten. I was at a dinner party with a bunch of random people. Topic of discussion equalls getting impregnated. I sat there at the head of the table while everyone around shared there stories about how quick and easy they got pregnant. The last one I remember was the pastor who married us saying heck we got pregnant while on birth control. I immediately began to tear up in my dream, but had to fake a smile to not let anyone know that their success caused me pain. Ahhh... so this is literally my every thought now. Even when I'm asleep.... SIGH

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Rules of the Infertile

So for those of you who don't have to suffer through infertility, let me just give a few examples of what us infertiles are not allowed to do.

No drinking
No caffeine
No smoking
No strenuous exercise (could cause you not to ovulate)
No bagged popcorn (it has now been linked to Infertitly)
Men have to wear boxers
Men can't get the boys hot it kills sperm
Men can't drink caffeine
Can't use the bathroom after intercourse (you may flush your children down)
Can't get up after intercourse for at least 30 min
Can't lay flat after intercourse (must prop up or they may not swim)
Can't have casual sex because must be prepared for a full week of intecourse
And the last for now is you really can't enjoy life to the fullest when the one thing that would define your life you can't have

All the while the 16 yr old girl down the street just got knocked up while smoking crack, drunk off her butt and peed immediately after.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Please Lord Let This Work

So I got my positive OPK yesterday. Right on time CD 14. Robert and I went in to the Dr about 2:00pm. I was honestly expecting the worst. Everything could have gone wrong. My follicle couldn't have been big enough yet meaning we would have to come in a day or two later (and we all know we are getting a big ice storm), I could have been ovulating off my left side (which could be blocked), sperm count could have not been good, etc.... God was on our side yesterday! I had a beautiful follicle that was getting ready to release on my right side! YAY GO ME! Robert went and did his thing. Let me just stop and brag about him a bit. You only need 2 million sperm to do an IUI. He had 11 million. We will now call him super sperm. Ok back to business. I got the IUI about 4:00pm. Good news is I'm pretty sure I felt ovulation around 8:00pm last night and I had a temp rise this morning. I really hope they were in there ready for my egg! Everything seems perfect this cycle. Now it's just time for that dreaded two week wait. I can only imagine what kind of symptoms I'm going to come up with now.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Update

So today I marched my happy little butt in the Dr's office and told them what I wanted. Ok so I didn't really go in that stern. It was just the nurse today and I think that might have worked out to my benefit. I felt very comfortable talking to her about my concerns and what I wanted to do next. So here is the plan. I will continue the Femara and Progesterone, but I will go in this time on the day of my positive opk. I will then have an ultrasound to check my follicles. As long as my dominate follicle is in my right ovary (because apparently my left one is bad...we'll come back to this in a second) then we will do an IUI. For those of you who do not know what this is, let me explain a bit. Basically my wonderful husband will have to give a little sample of his swimmers. They will then let it brew for an hour (not sure why, but we'll go with it). They will then inject his sperm directly in to my uterus through a syringe thingamabob or something like that. Oh the pleasures of having a child...oh wait I don't..... I really don't know how much our chances increase with this procedure, but I do know that if it doesn't work I have a laproscopy scheduled for March 5th to check for endometriosis. Now back to the bad ovary. So if you remember from an earlier post, I got my results of my HSG from my OB/GYN. I was a little annoyed by the fact that it said one of my ovaries may not have spilled over and have adhesions. Well apparantely I may have had a reason to be mad. The nurse now seems to think I have a bad ovary. So I will now patiently wait to have the laproscopy and if they find something (insert word) will hit the fan. I will find out why I was NEVER told these results.

I am really excited to finally be taking steps forward. I feel like I am finally getting listened to. I know I ask this a lot, but please keep us in your prayers. Not only for a baby, but just finacially because I don't know how far this is going to have to go. We have amazing insurance, but eventually the maximum is going to run out.

And Here Starts Another Month

Well i'm sure it's no surprise that I am not pg once again. I have so many negative things to say right now, but I"m trying to be a more positive person so I will keep them to myself for now. If I feel the need to rant in a couple of days then you will hear them and there is a very good chance of that. I'm going back to the RE today to start my 3rd and final round of Femara. I am going to demand he do a laproscopy as well to check for endometriosis. At this point I am thinking they will find something. I just don't believe that after 2 1/2 years of doing everything perfect that this is just not happening by chance or "statistics" as the Dr would say. I'm ready to move on to further treatment and do everything we can to have our child. This means scaling back on a lot of things we love because this is about to get very pricey. I know it will be worth every penny spent. By the way, we are back at church and my faith is increasing again. I know I cannot do this without God. Please keep Robert and I in your prayers. This journey really is starting to wear heavily on both of us.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Babies

While I hope to someday be posting about our actual babies, I dont' see that happening anytime soon. So I decided I would talk about my other babies. My puppies. I got the first one for my 25th birthday in 2007. I had shown a pic to my then fiance of a dog in boot. It was a long hair daschund. Robert came home one day and made me go in the bathroom. When I was allowed to open the door the first thing I saw was a little puppy in a boot. He was the cutest thing in the world. I was instantly in love. I will share a few pictures of him as a puppy. His name is Rylan.

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Rylan used to come to work with me and this is what he would do all day. He was the sweetest dog in the entire world and still is. Now Bentley on the other hand I had a love/hate relationship with. I got him for Valentines Day in 2008. I had a new job so I didn't have the leisure of bringing him to work with me. So he stayed caged up as a puppy for 11 hours. As we all know puppies can't hold anything that long. I cleaned up poop every single day for about a month straight. Needless to say Bentley also got a bath every day for a month. He is a Chiweenie. Chihuaha/Daschund mix. He has a lot of Chihuaha qualities such as being skidish, barking non stop, and decides to pee on the floor occasionally. He is getting a lot better and we know have a very loving relationship. Here are some pics of him as a puppy.

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These dogs make my day when I get home. We let them out of their cage and the excitement they have to see me is amazing. I really do feel so loved by them. These dogs sleep with us at night. Rylan and I spoon. Yes he sleeps in my little circle and lays his head on my pillow. So spoiled and Bentley sleeps at my feet. I don't want to imagine life without these dogs. They really are like our children. I hope they live a long loving life. I will leave you with some more pictures. I have about 300 of them, but for the sake of saving your day I will only post a few.

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Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The Phone Call

So I was sitting at work yesterday minding my own business when all of the sudden I get a phone call. I look down and it says Creative Kids. This is where we had put our name on the waiting list for our child to go to daycare. I couldn't bring myself to answer it. I listened to the message they left and it said they had an opening for our baby. WOW! Is it ever going to end? It dawned on me that yesterday would have been my first day back from maternity leave. For the most part I have moved on from the extreme pain and there are days that I forget what we have been through, but it seems like there is always going to be something lurking around the corner to remind me. I guess I am ok with this though becuase I don't want to ever forget. I don't want to be that person 5 years from now talking to someone who is going through what I went through and be so insensitive. I want to always remember this struggle. It has made me a better person.
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3