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Friday, May 7, 2010

Can We just Skip This One

This week has been a really rough week in the fertility department. I have been in the last week of the wait to see if I'm pg, all the while knowing I'm not because of my temps. Today my temp took a nose dive which means my period is on the way. Perfect. Just in time for Mothers Day. And not just any Mothers Day. The Mothers Day I was suppose to have a 6 month old baby. I was suppose to be a first time mom this year. I was suppose to get recognized. Instead I will be fighting back tears every second on Sunday. I really would like to just skip this Mothers Day and sit at home and have a good cry. I've kept this pain pretty hidden over the past few months. I've thought I was fine. I had thought I found new hope with the surgery, but what I have found is that all to familiar pain. I feel very alone. Just in the past couple of weeks there have been more babies born and more pregnancy announcements. I'm so happy for these people, but I hate that it's a reminder to me just how long we have been trying. I need a vacation from life right now, but since we've racked up a $1200 bill that is what our money will be going to. This just doesn't seem fair sometimes. We work hard, we deserve to treat ourselves. Why is it that we have to pay for a child? Is it not enough that we have to suffer month after month. Shouldn't we be able to afford to take a break? I just want it all to go away.

6 comments:

Amber said...

This week isn't fair at all. I have never felt so sad as last year in church when they handed out carnations to all the mothers and then had them stand to be recognized. It was all I could do to not scream! I can't say much to help, but I'm sorry. And I pray that next mother's day is much different for you.

Amber D'Amico said...

I hate it too Kandice, I hate it for you and for myself. I've said this before, but know that you aren't alone... although it feels that way. I'm going to spend this Mother's day focusing on my mom instead of my baby girl that died 9years ago and the month to month torture of infertility. If you have your mom around, do the same, focus on her. I'll be praying that you will find peace this Mother's Day. I'm here if you ever want to talk, scream or cry :)...

Faith said...

Oh, girl, I am there with you as you probably saw from my last post. You are definitely not alone, though I know it deeply feels that way. Mother's Day has been awful for me for the last three years. Three years ago ON Mother's Day, I got my first period after my first miscarriage. My life has never been the same since. This year, I should have an 18 month old and should also be around 30 weeks pregnant. It never gets easier...well, maybe it does when our babies are in our arms...but, I'm pretty sure this is our cross to bear for now. Hang in there, hun. You are fully and completely NOT alone....

Anonymous said...

I completely understand. I should be 30 weeks pregnant on Mother's Day. It is going to be a hard day for me. I thought I would be able to celebrate the day for the first time being a mom-to-be. It is unfair that we have to pay for a child... I'll be paying the fertility clinic $18,000 next week for out IVF cycle coming up... well the bank is... I'll be paying the bank for years. If there is a baby in my arms, it will be worth every penny, but can you imagine paying that for nothing. Gotta believe that it will work though. Good luck to you on your journey!

Sunshine said...

Ugh.. Mother's day. =/

If its any solice.. even though I am pg.. I would HONESTLY rather skip it too. I would like to hand my mother a heartfelt, touching card because of all that she has been for me in my life.. and move on with the day.

I am NOT a fan of the whole carnation hand-out at church.. infertility does not end when it comes to walking through the front doors of a church.. there are couples who are silently battling with infertility every Sunday. And for those people.. recognizing everyone else who gets to be a mom is torture! As are the t.v. commercials and the whole hooplah for weeks leading up to that "special" day.

I'm so sorry that you feel alone. I STILL feel alone. You'd be amazed. It NEVER goes away..

Love you girl.. hang in there

XOXO Courtney

Jillian said...

Kandice, I love you. While your angel baby is not here with you, you are still a mother. I know you won't be recognized and celebrated by people that don't know and will be slapped in the face by the fact that your baby isn't here. It truly isn't fair.

I agree with Sunshine - I still feel alone and alienated a lot of the time myself. Life just isn't fair.

Thinking of you...you know I'm always here if you want to vent!

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3