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Saturday, May 29, 2010

Faith Tested

Most people won't touch this topic, but I'm going to. FAITH! Over my life time I've been taught to have faith. It's what I've read in the Bible and learned in church. It's all been simple until it's been tested. One or two times it was easy. It was like ok God, I can do this. Throw it at me. Then there comes a point though when that 15th time (and I'm not exaggerating) becomes too much. It all goes out the door. How can you be the one who has the most faith out of anyone you know and still get handed the most painful punishment? Where does your commitment to faith or lack there of come in? How does our God work that way? Does he say ok I'm going to make you struggle and test your faith, the one who has been faithful to me.While the couple down the road who has never stuggle to have a child and never had faith in God can ask for forgivness on their death bed and go to Heaven? I don't get it anymore. And honestly I'm not sure if I have faith anymore. I know this is going to kill my parents if they read it, but honestly how can I? I have watched so many people around me get what they want (and in some cases not what they want). We're still here. Ground zero. Still with the thought that even if we do get pg again, will it be a cruel joke? Like haha tricked you again? Suffer some more pain because you haven't suffered enough. I still believe in God and I will NEVER turn my back on that, but the faith I have is slowly fading away.

14 comments:

Faith said...

Oh, hun, I'm so sorry you are having this test of faith right now. I really can't speak to it - I've never been a strong believer. Despite my name, my faith has always been thin. Even with that said, it hurts my heart to hear someone who has been so strong in her faith wavering. I truly believe you will find your way back. Some day, this journey's purpose will become clear. I have to believe that. Hang in there, girl. You are SO not alone, and I will be holding you in my thoughts.

Jillian said...

I have been thinking about you a lot since last night. I am so sorry. I know there are no words that will make you feel better, but I have been there so I can relate. <3

Amber said...

Kandice, I know exactly where you stand. I had really wandered away from my faith during college and when we faced our IF issues, we actually went back to church in hopes that it would help and would give me some peace. I can't say that I really believed that anyone was listening to my tearful prayers. Sometimes the prayers of those around me seem so trivial when there are people like you who deserve to see theirs answered.

You are an incredibly strong person. I think about you guys every single day and would give my left arm (I don't use it as much-ha,ha) for you to have a baby. I'm sorry that I'm pregnant and you're still struggling. I'm sorry that you've went through this for so long. None of it is fair and I'm still brutally aware of that. I still believe that this will all work out in the end.

Anna said...

I have struggled with these questions as well. Honestly, I have no idea why some people get things so easily when it seems they don't deserve it, and then faithful people struggle so much. I seem to go through phases where I get angry with God and then sometimes I'm okay with it and think there is a greater plan and I just have to believe.

We have given up on TTC biologically, and moved on to exploring embryo adoption. So at the moment, for me, I have to believe that there is a special baby out there waiting for us and that's why I have had to come down this road. If I didn't believe that I'd go insane.

I haven't lost a baby like you have, so I can't imagine how anybody can rationalize that and believe that it was part of God's plan. So I guess the only thing I can think of is that maybe it wasn't God that planned that particular tragedy. I think that God knows every step we will take in our lives, but that He doesn't always cause each event. There is another force to be reckoned with, and I think a lot of times we don't like to give that force credit because it's not pleasant to think about.

I don't know. I don't have it all figured out either, but I have questioned my faith along this road too. It's hard and it sucks.

Thinking of you....

Sunshine said...

Oh yes!

The old "faith trap!"

Gotta love it, huh? =/

I've been there MANY times myself girlfriend. Probably more than you!! There have been times (especially through infertility) where I would sit in church on my DH's Iphone and refuse to pay attention to the message because, well, what did it matter anyway??! Obviously God was mad at me (for some weird reason, probably my past mistakes or something).. so why should I sit there and listen?

Or I would drink myself silly into a cosmic drunken coma so I wouldnt have to feel the intense pain anymore. Pushing God and my daily Bible study off to the side because if He didnt care about me, then I didnt care about Him either! Basically slamming the door in His face, throwing up my hands and surrendering to His "mean-ness".

It might surprise you that I am admitting to all this because I have always tried to remind you to keep your faith. But, I also understand that people dont always like to be preached at. And there is a time to be brutally honest and let others know that you are NOT alone in your faith-less thoughts! I promise!!

But, here's the cool thing. Even after all of my rebellion against God in my lifetime. Wondering WHY "that" couple gets to have kids and we dont???! Or WHAT the heck I ever did to deserve this torturous punishment/treatment.

After all that... He NEVER left my side. Ever. (And this brings tears to my eyes as I write this because there are SOOO many times in my life that I feel so alone and afraid and mad) but even when I slammed the door in His face.. he stood there. And waited for me to open the door back up and say that I'm sorry. He was ALWAYS there, when I was ready to come back. And for that I am eternally grateful.

And He isnt mad at you for lacking in faith sometimes. He understands. We're only human! Just because we are labeled as followers of Christ or Christians doesnt mean that we are perfect! And He doesnt expect us to be perfect. Just honest.

Tell Him how you feel. Let it all hang out! Tell Him your mad if you want to! He WILL listen and even when you dont think that He cares.. I promise you.. from the bottom of my heart, and from the bottom of His, HE DOES.

I cant explain why crackheads and abusers pop out kids by the truckload while us "normal, healthy, LOVING" people struggle so much with conceiving. I DONT know the answer to that. But I do know that you are loved by God. And whether you can see it right now or not... your little ones are being perfectly planned on when they will enter your life. So hang in there girl!

(I know this is getting long, sorry) There will probably come a day in the future where you will have to remind ME of these same things that I am telling you!! And I REALLY, REALLY know how you feel right now. So, just know that your not alone and that no matter what you do in life, you will always always always be loved by God. He will never turn His back on His children.

Love you Kandice

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