Thursday, February 25, 2010

This is my Story

This Sunday will mark a year since I found out I was pg with our first child. I had told Robert a few days before we found out that I thought I was. For some reason I just had a feeling that month. I woke up that Saturday morning and took a test. I had actually been bummed two days before because I had gotten a negative. I sat the pee stick down that morning (12dpo) and didn’t expect anything from it. After all I had been through this 18 times before and I knew the disappointment I thought I was about to feel. I finished up my business and picked it back up. There was a line and not just a control line that has shown up before, no this was a second line. I was wondering if I was seeing things at first. But I knew I wasn’t. I kept quiet because I wanted to kind of surprise Robert. I took it to the living room and hid it under the blanket. When he came in I pulled it out and showed him. He couldn’t believe it. He gave me the most passionate kiss I have ever received from him. It was like a release. Finally we could enjoy each other and not have “baby making” in the FRONT of our minds. I was ready to tell the world, but he wanted me to take a few more tests to make sure that there really was a second line that would keep appearing. Sure enough, it did.

I had thought of a way I wanted to tell my parents that involved our puppies. I bought some baby t-shirts from Target and went and got iron on letters from Hobby Lobby. I put Big Brother on the back. We invited my parents to go to dinner that night and afterwards we asked if they wanted to come in. As soon as we got in I said oh you have to see these shirts we bought for the dogs. So I went in the bedroom and dressed them up and then let them loose. My parents were just saying oh they look so cute. They weren’t quite catching on. I said did you see what it says. As soon as they read it there eyes both just starting swelling with tears. We also went and told his family that day. They were really excited too. They haven’t had a baby in the family for a while.

Flash forward 4 weeks and we are at our first appointment. Still na├»ve as ever. Seeing our baby on that screen and hearing its heartbeat was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. That was our baby. Our life that we created together. I didn’t realize at that point that that would be the last time we ever saw our baby.

During the next 4 weeks I experienced morning sickness ALL DAY, headaches, bloating, sore boobs. All the things that infertiles long to feel. I ate a Taco Bell bean burrito almost ever night because it was the only thing that ever sounded good. I never had a single sign or thought that something was wrong. At 10 weeks I was already starting to get a little pooch. I was so excited that I would be showing soon. I have always loved pg bellies and mine was going to be one soon.

April 24th, 2009 turned out to be the absolute worst day of my life. It started off very exciting. I was so happy to be able to hear our baby’s heart beat again. The day before the Art’s Festival was in town so my girlfriends, Robert, and I all went to eat lunch. One of them even commented on my boobs getting big already. Sweet! I think somehow Robert knew that day that everything wasn’t ok. He just kept telling me that he hoped the appointment went well tomorrow. I thought surely nothing could be wrong because I had had morning sickness and my tummy was growing. Wouldn’t I have spotted if something was wrong? The next day I headed to the Dr. I was alone that day because Robert had just started his new job and we thought it was a minor appointment he could miss. P.S. I will never go to a Dr. appointment without him again. As soon as I walked back to the room and laid on the table for them to hear the heartbeat I got an overwhelming sense of fear. I think even I at that point I could feel something was wrong. The assistant couldn’t find the heartbeat. The PA came in and tried and couldn’t either. They were very encouraging that sometimes you can’t find it on the Doppler that early. Although I was almost 12 weeks. They sent me for an ultrasound at the hospital. They couldn’t tell me the results there because of HIPPA laws or whatever, but I should have known when she asked me if I was sure of how far along I was.

I now had to wait for the PA to call me. I went to my friend Tricia’s office to kill some time before I had to go pick Robert up from work. I will never forget the moment that phone rang and the PA’s voice on the other end. I’m not sure I even know what she said to me, but I know that right there I knew what she was about to tell me. My heart sank. How could this be happening to me? Why would God do this? We worked hard for this child. We don’t deserve this. So many emotions and thoughts were running through my head. I called Robert and told him I needed to come pick him up. Then I called my dad and just sat there and asked why. My Dad prayed for me and Robert right there on the phone. He’s always been good at being the spiritual leader.

Robert and I went home that day and just held each other and cried. The next few days were extremely hard. I would just randomly bust out in tears. Even in the middle of the night. I would just wake up and start bawling. The pain was so much to handle. I have amazing friends and family that sent us flowers, brought us food, and just sent text letting us know that they were thinking about us. You are all amazing and we are so blessed to have you in our lives. I had my D&C on that Monday April 27th. That’s when it became official. My dream was over just like that.

I never thought I would be here a year later with a Clomid round, 3 Femara rounds, IUI, laparoscopic surgery, and several born babies and still not holding our own child. If you would have asked me 2 ½ years ago when we started this if I would have imagined that I would be this strong. I would have told you no way. But you know what? I am strong. I have endured, and I will prevail. I will not let this get the best of me, my marriage, or my faith. I AM STRONG.


Faith said...

Of course you are strong! These hardships show us what we're made of. You WILL get to the end of this road one happy momma.

I cried as I read your story. It felt too familiar to me. We lost our first baby on April 4, 2008, and your story is so similar. We lost our second baby on December 18, 2009. The pain never leaves. But you are not alone.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Amber said...

Reading this brings me back to the day that we had our terrible ultrasound. It is the most gut-wrenching, empty feeling in the world. It is a feeling that you can't forget.

My heart aches for all that you've been through. I would give so much for you to get that baby you've wanted. Your determined spirit and endless hope are amazing. I pray for you every single day...

Sunshine said...

Yes girl! You ARE strong!! Honestly, besides women who survive cancer.. I would venture to say that us girls who battle with infertility are some of the strongest, most resiliant women on the face of the Earth! It takes A-L-O-T of stamina to continue getting out of bed day after day when all you really want to do is wallow in your sorrow. We can do this!!

Thank you for posting your entire story! I had never read the whole thing before now. My one year anniversary date is coming up too. =( March 3rd 2009 is when I saw TWO pink lines for the first time EVER. Now its a day that I mourn.

Hang in there girl.

God Bless XOXOXO

Angela said...

Praying for you this Sunday. It is Mary Grace's delivery date send some prayers my way as well. *hugs*

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3