Wednesday, January 30, 2013

COME ON/Sadness/Perspective

So I realize my title doesn't make much sense, but I have a lot I wanted to write about and didn't want to break it out in three posts or it wouldn't never get done.  So this could be long. Here it goes.

If you've been following my blog for a while you may remember me struggling to breastfeed the twins.  Beckham had a hard time latching and I just wasn't producing enough for two babies.  It took a weeks worth of crying to decide to stop at 11 weeks.  I felt so guilty about it and was so sad that I couldn't successfully provide them with my milk.  Well flash forward to my second chance at breastfeeding.  Bray latched on right away.  I was so excited and happy that I was going to have an easier time because surely I was going to produce enough for one baby.  Well in the first two weeks I was feeding every hour.  He would fall asleep every time and I could not wake him up for the life of me so therefore he wasn't getting a full feeding.  It was too hard for me to feed him every hour so I decided to start pumping and see if that would help.  I was getting 4 oz about every 2-3 hours.  At this point he was eating 3 oz already.  I was able to freeze one bag.  I was so excited because I never had enough with the boys to freeze any.  This seemed like such a huge accomplishment.  Well it wasn't long until I had to use that bag.  This kid wants to eat every 1-2 hours still.  He is now up to 4 oz and sometimes that is not enough.  I'm still getting anywhere from 4-6 oz a pumping session.  So for the most part I am making just enough.  There have been 3 occasions where we had to give him formula  because there wasn't any of my milk left to give.  Talk about feeling defeated.  Here I am finally producing a good amount of milk and I have a kid who wants to be a linebacker. I will be going back to work soon so I know I'm going to have to give him some more formula bottles just so I have a supply for him for his first day of daycare.  I still try and breastfeed at least once a day because I really enjoy that bonding time.  I know I should be happy that for the most part he is getting straight breastmilk, but I can't help and already think about when he ups his feedings more.  Why do I put so much pressure on myself? 

When I was pregnant I was about 99% positive that this was the last one for us.  Everyone had always told me that you would know when you are done. I felt that way while I was throwing up every day and towards the end when it just got miserable.  Everyone kept asking if we were going to try for a girl and my answer was always a no, we are done, but the moment he arrived something changed.  I have been extremely sad that my pregnancy is over. I'm sad that this is the last newborn we will ever have.  Every day that I see him getting bigger just makes me more sad because it means another phase is over that we'll never experience again.  I don't feel done anymore.  There is just something so magical and miraculous about the moment a baby is born.  The love that you feel in that instant and the days that follow.  I don't know if it is because the way the birth happened and just went so fast and was unexpected that day, but I feel like I didn't get to really spend those last days with Bray in my belly cherishing how amazing pregnancy really is.  I am truly sad that I will more than likely never experience this again.  I'm hoping this goes away with time.  I'm excited for the future and raising our three boys.  And who knows, maybe in 3 years we'll do it again ;)  Don't worry though. For now I will be getting on birth control right away.

It's amazing how the way you look at things changes when you have a little perspective of how it goes.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was finding out I was pregnant with the twins.  Now they are getting close to being two and I have no idea where the time went.  This makes me take Bray in that much more.  In the blink of an eye he will be closing in on his 2nd birthday too.  I love every age and watching each of them grow.  There is nothing like being a parent and witnessing your children becoming individuals and finding their personalities.  I don't like how fast the time is flying, but I'm glad I realize how precious each day with them is. Before I know it I will be an empty nester so for now I want to take in every moment of every day and continue to make a million memories to last a lifetime. 


Amber said...

I think you're freakin crazy!!! I am struggling to get my two crazy kids raised and you're talking about four. It's really just the two year old devil living here that's the problem, but I still give you lots of credit for wanting to walk that path again. Maybe it will pass as the boys get older, maybe not. I definitely feel this shop is without a doubt closed... :)

Faith said...

Breastfeeding - we had to give Addy some formula at first. I went on Domperidone and didn't have to supplement after that. But who cares either way? If they are growing and healthy, YAY!

Sadness: Yep, been there the entire last 2 years (addy turns 2 in a couple of weeks). Because of how mine came, I feel like I never got to enjoy either as much as I wanted to, it was all "fast and furious." And we are pretty much sure we are done (read: HE is 100% sure he is done and I can't wrap my head around being done lol!), so every stage that goes by leaves a hole in my heart:(.

Perspective: I totally get it!

Shanny said...

Oh the sadness, I get it. I feel it myself but like you said, we just have to cherish the kids we do have right now. I know I'm done
and it breaks my heart but its for the best.

The breastfeeding? I totally get ya! I'm sorry for the frustrations, big hug.
I'm sure you've probably already looked into it but hey, if you want to see ALL the research I found during my breastfeeding and pumping time here is a link, you might? find something that helps:

Anonymous said...

I absolutely understand how you feel about not knowing if you are done. We just had our 4th and we are officially done - he was "fixed". Number 4 is not even 6 months and I am already sad that I will never be pregnant again, even though I know 4 is plenty! I think we all are just meant to want that. I am so happy that you have your boys and that you have experienced this wonderful journey. <3 Tabatha

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3