My Purpose

I signed up to do this eight week "Full Plate Diet" thing at work.  Basically we meet weekly and go through the material that is provided.  To be honest it has been a bit silly and I can't grasp the concept of filling up your plate with good foods.  I'd prefer burgers and fries, but that is not the point of this post.  We usually do a few exercises where they ask us to write something down and then we discuss with our group.  This particluar one they had asked us to write down our purpose.  I very easily filled mine out thinking this was a simple task.  I soon realized as we got back together to discuss that this wasn't that easy for most.  From what I could tell I was the only one who came up with something.  Let me share mine:

My purpose is to raise my children to become well rounded, respectable, christ centered individuals who know they are loved.

If I think back to my days before kids I can bet that I was right there with these other girls.  Not knowing what I'm meant for in this life.  My children have given me my purpose and they have driven my relationship with God alot closer.  I now can't even imagine going back to that previous life. I have all I could ever want and more!

New Pics

I debated for a while whether or not to get the boys two year pictures taken because lets be honest,  this age isn't the easiest.  I imagined that there would be lots of screaming and not enough hands and really just the worst.  The more I thought about it though I knew I would regret not having these every year.  Not to mention Bray needed 6 month pictures. So I decided to go for it.  I'm so glad we did because they turned out great!  Beckham and Bray cooperated pretty good that day, but Brody was...well Brody :) It made it even better though.  We always use Nicole Hager and she is AMAZING! I know our family will stay with her for years so I hope she continues to use her talent for a long long time.  Here is how they turned out.  Enjoy!


http://video214.com/play/9SErD3FLPT21wvQDI6V04Q/s/dark

The Want to Protect

It has been 26 months since I became a mom.  You would think I would have experienced a majority of the emotions that come along with that title.  My boys have experienced the pain of smashed fingers and bruised knees.  They've been sick to the point that they just want to lay on me all day.  Brody has been hopsitalized twice with IV's sticking out of him. Beckham has been through x-rays, cat scans, and ultrasounds.  My heart has felt heavy with each of these.  As a mother you hurt with your kids and for your kids.  Last night I experienced something that I really hadn't even thought about before. 

We had just put the boys down for bed.  Robert was rocking Bray and I was doing laundry in the laundry room.  Brody came out of his room with his usual "I need a inasore" (dinasour).  I was hollering at him to go get back in bed and as he was coming into the kitchen something scared him.  I don't mean just made him jump a little, I mean full out pee your pants type of scared. He screamed and ran.  He was in complete panic and ran the other direction.  I have never seen him so scared.  I ran in there while Robert was trying to get him to come to him.  I picked him up and held him.  He was shaking and crying.  I calmed him down and told him to show me what he was scared of.  He very carefully took me into the kitchen and just pointed.  I really have no idea what scared him or what he saw but I just told him it was ok and held him.  Tears began streaming down my face at this point because I think reality set in that my little innocent babies that have yet to see the world are growing up.  They are entering an age where this corrupted world is going to show its face. They are begining to know what fear is.  I have this extreme want and need to protect them.  To shield them from everything bad out there.  I hate knowing that they will experience deep hurt from another human being.  They will experience failure and jealousy and resentment.  These things are all human nature.  It is inevitable and I as their mother cannot protect them from these things.  I cannot protect them from their feelings whether they are scared, hurt or angry. 

This mother thing comes with so many more things than I had anticipated.  I'm sure there are many more realizations to come.

Coming to an End

Bray is now a little over seven months old and I have made the decision that I am ready to stop breastfeeding.  I am ready physically and trying to be ready emotionally.  I had no idea how attached I was to nursing him.  I didn't realize how much satisfaction I got from it.  I didn't realize the bond it has created between me and him.  I remember having a  hard time making the decision to stop with the boys at 11 wks, but there were different factors involved.  I wasn't even making enough milk for half a bottle with either of them.  I wasn't really nursing.  Brody would latch on occasionally but that was it.  I was going back to work and it just didn't seem worth the time it was taking for the amount that I was making.  Bray has been different.  We had some issues in the beginning. He would latch great but wouldn't stay awake long enough to finish a feeding no matter how hard I tried to get him to.  Then the kid just loved to eat so even though I was producing a decent amount I still had to supplement with formula a couple of times.  Things have worked themselves out though and for the most part he has been strictly breastfed.  We nurse twice a day.  Once in the morning and once at night.  Ok that is a lie. This kid actually stays attached to me most of the night. He used to anyway.  We are slowly breaking that with some success.  I have several reasons for being ready to be done.  Some are selfish which puts a huge amount of guilt on me.  I've been holding on to my last 10-15 lbs and I haven't been able to get rid of it due to not really being able to diet and I'm honestly just starving at all times.  That is probably my most selfish reason, but it has led to a lot of issues for me.  I don't feel good about myself.  And speaking of guilt I for some reason get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime I have to make him a formula bottle now. I have no idea what this is about because the twins were formula fed for most of their first year and they are perfectly healthy two year olds. I also feel like there is judgement from others around me.  I honestly am at a loss for where these feelings are coming from. Some others reason are due to work and how busy I am. Taking out an hour of my day to pump really hurts my time at work.  Then there is the extreme exhaustion I have from three kids who for some reason don't know how to sleep.  So all I want to do at night is go to bed.  NOT PUMP!  And then in the mornings we are already always running late so taking the extra 15 minutes to pump makes things even worse.  I'm just ready to be done and my goal was six months which I have exceeded. I have gotten down to only two times a day.  Morning and night which are the times I nurse and then still have to pump after.  The problem is that I am ready mentally just not emotionally.  I can't seem to get myself to give up those two times.  Nursing comforts my baby when nothing else will.  And I really do love that extra special time first thing in the morning when I get to cuddle him up next to me and let him nurse.  And then probably the biggest emotional connection to this is that he is probably my last baby.  Somehow knowing that whichever time I decide is my last is the last time I will ever nurse a baby.  I spent so many years longing for this.  Yearning for a baby who needs his momma.  How can it be that this is over already?  I do realize that I am making this choice and I probably should just suck it up, but just because it's my choice doesn't mean I'm not sad about it.  I just know it's time.  I'm gonna miss this!

The Killer B's

I guess it's time for an update on what my munchkins are up to these days.  The twins are now two (tear).  Bray is six months today.  It wouldn't be a complete post by me if I didn't say, where has the time gone?  We are staying busy that is for sure.  We spend most of our weekends outside in the kiddie pool.  These boys are just like their momma and love the sun! We have moved both boys to toddler beds and they are doing pretty good with them.  It takes a good hour for them to actually fall asleep at night because they have the freedom to roam around, but they eventually make it to bed.  Brody likes to crawl in bed with Beckham a lot. 

Beckham is weighing in at a whopping 25 lbs.  He is still my more reserved kid, but is starting to learn how to talk back.  It's wonderful. (sense my sarcasm?)  He could play by himself for hours but his bubba does not allow for that.  Brody picks on him so much.  He is learning to stand up for himself though and Brody does not like it at all.  I know we are supposed to be the parents and stop it, but it is actually quite funny to watch them go at it.  Trust me we do correct it at some point, but I think Beckham does need to know how to stand up for himself.  He is doing great with learning.  He can say so many things and for the most part we know what he is asking for these days.  I just can't believe how much his vocabulary has taken off in such a short amount of time. He is still an early riser and wakes up about 5 am.  I keep thinking this is going to change one day, but we are two years in and NOPE!  He has got the cutest personality and we truly think he is going to be the class clown.  He's so funny and has the greatest facial expressions. 

Brody is also weighing in at a whopping 25lbs. This kid is just plain onery.  My parents are constantly telling me he is just paying me back.  He has an amazing outgoing personality though.  He is very hard headed just like his momma and EVERYTHING is "me do it".  He runs everywhere he goes and he constantly has to be busy.  He is definitely our more challenging child.  He loves to place food everywhere but his plate and I'm starting to wonder if he is going to eat like this for the rest of his life. This kid could be outside all day every day if you would let him.  He has really started talking too.  I still get amazed that my kids can communicate now.  He is also still waking up at 5 am.  Somethings gotta give right?  This kid is going to be a handful for a  long time, but I wouldn't trade him for the world!

Bray.  Oh my spoiled little baby Bray Bray.  This baby has by far been the hardest one.  He has us wrapped around his finger and pretty much gets what he wants.  He just started sleeping through the night about a week ago.  Prior to that there are several nights where he slept attached to me.  If he wasn't attached to me he was screaming!  He doesn't take bitey's well and if you try to place it in his mouth when all he wants is momma you get a child that acts like you are torturing him.  Things have FINALLY settled down in that aspect though and we are headed in the right direction (please don't jinx me because I said this out loud).  He is still a little piglet and eats 6 oz every 2-3 hrs along with cereal once a day. We started solids last night and he had greens beans and loved them.  I don't think this kid is going to be too picky.  He loves to be held and pretty much won't let you put him down.  I've been told at daycare that he doesn't even use his crib.  While all of this sounds a little annoying I really am quite ok with it.  After all is is 99% for sure going to be my last baby.  I have to cherish it.  You also have to remember that I never had just one baby to love away on.  So if he needs to sleep attached to me a couple more nights...bring it on.  This won't last forever.  He is still going strong nursing and I still haven't decided how much longer I'm going to keep it up.  Six months was my goal and now that I've hit that I really don't have thoughts of stopping right now. I guess part of me knows that once I stop then that's a big piece of my last baby gone.  I'll never get to do this again.  Ok moving on because I hate even thinking about that.  Bray is wonderful and has a huge personality already.  I'm pretty sure he is going to be just like Brody so we're definitely in for some crazier times ahead.  He has started saying dada, mama, buba, and papa just this past week.  I love this little chunky monkey so much. We were joking the other day about how determined of a little man he is.  He decided he was going to be conceived into this world and he decided the day he was going to make his presence.  He is amazing!

I've often questioned how we would make it through these times.  I never imagined it to be this hard, but I also never imagined it to be this rewarding.  This life and these kids are right where we were all meant to be.

A Piece of My Life

It was a sad day for us yesterday.  It was announced that the Moore Medical Center where I had all three of my children will be demolished.  It was declared unsalvageable. I am a very sentimental person and this news breaks my heart.  We drove by this hospital almost everyday on the way home from picking the kids up from daycare.  It is where I have announced to them a million times that that is the first place we saw their beautiful faces.  We would drive by and tell them that that is where they would be meeting their new little brother for the first time.  My Dr's office is in that building.  It is where I have spent a better part of the last three years, getting ultrasounds, weight checks and hearing my amazing miracle's heart beats.  There are so many memories tucked away in that place.  My heart is still so heavy from what has gone in our hometown.  Please continue to pray for the people of Oklahoma. 

My Worst Fears

May 20th, 2013 will be a day that I will not be able to ever forget.  I came face to face with the reality of losing my children.

I knew that we were supposed to get bad storms that day and we were told to be aware of the possiblity of tornados.  It was right around 1:30 when they started to pop up.  I immediately started worrying about not being with the kids.  I called my sister to talk to her about where they were and what was going on.  She was on her way to get her kids out of school because things were going downhill fast.  I had to run in to a meeting at 2:00 so I told her to be careful and keep me updated.  In the meantime I knew my mother in law was home and I asked her to keep me updated as well.  Throughout the meeting I was getting texts about the location of the storm.  Towards the end of the meeting I got the news that the tornado was forming. This was the exact place our May 3rd tornado had formed.  I knew if this touched down it wasn't going to be good news.  We got out of the meeting at 3:00 and I had just enough time to put my stuff down when the sirens went off.  We all got moved to the stairwell.  I will never forget the feelings that were inside of me.  The tornado had touched down and it was headed straight for my boys daycare.  I had to sit there and just listen to those around me that were watching the coverage on their phones.  They were keeping me up to date on where the tornado was.  All I could do was pray. I have honestly never prayed that hard in my life.  "Lord, please keep my children safe, please don't let my children die, please Lord, please!"  It's all I could say over and over.  Tears just kept rolling down my face as I was thinking about what was going to happen. 

We were very fortunate that the tornado hit a few blocks south of their daycare.  We didn't go back to our desks that day, we just left work.  We couldn't get to our children fast enough.  I cried the whole way there.  I squeezed those little guys so tight and thanked God for keeping them safe.  I gave a few extra kisses that night before bed and honestly I wanted to just lay next to them.  I didn't want to leave their side.

I'm having a hard time processing the aftermath. The what ifs have haunted me for the past couple of days and I just can't stop thinking about if that tornado hadn't turned and went straight towards the daycare. I don't believe they would have survived. We rushed dropping them off that morning because we were running late. What if that had been the last moment we had with them?

There are so many that lost loved ones and children. I keep hearing more and more stories and I know that we are so fortunate to be holding our children today. For that I am forever grateful to my God.