Christmas 2013

We started off this Christmas a little on a scary note.  We had taken the twins to daycare on Christmas Eve day because we had family coming over that night and we needed to get the house cleaned.  We got a call around 10 am and it was the daycare telling us that we needed to come up because Beckham was going to need stitches.  I could tell in his voice that he was a little uneasy.  I was not prepared at all for what I saw when I got there.  He was in the rocking chair with Mrs. Linda and was actually being very calm.  I told her I didn't really want to see but I knew I needed to.  His forehead was split wide open.  I mean we're talking deep flesh hanging out.  I managed to stay calm because I knew I needed to be for him.  I sat in the back with him on the way to the hospital and we just sang Rudolph to keep him awake.  It's amazing how resilient kids are.  He was scared every time a Dr came in but in between that he was playing and laughing with his brother.  I'm pretty sure I would have asked to be knocked out.  He wound up getting 7 stitches and some glue.  He is going to have a pretty nice scar for the rest of his life.  I'm sure this was the first of many!

The rest of Christmas was wonderful!  This year the boys have been so into it.  They learned Rudolph and Santa Clause is Coming to Town in about an hour and sang it nonstop for a month.  Brody passed out all the presents and thought he was doing something so big.  I love the little boys they are turning out to be.  It is so much fun to get your joy from watching everything through a kids eyes.  I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  My next post will be about my baby boy who turns 1 in 9 days!!!! I'll leave you with some pictures.

One Last Month

My baby is 11 months old today.  I have to say, I'm having a very hard time with this.  Aside from just the general sadness of a child getting older, I can't really explain it.  This little boy who wasn't technically planned and gave me and his daddy a mini panic attack has stole my heart.  COMPLETELY!  I"m not ready for him to turn one.  I'm not ready for no more babies in our house. So I am currently taking donations for a fourth baby fund ;) The Taylor Swift song, "Don't you ever grow up, won't you stay this little" has continued to play in my head for about a week now.  I have been very saddened by the fact that my baby boy is 11 months old today and only has one month left for me to call him a baby.  One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to forget these years.  I know there are a lot of people who don't care much for the baby phase.  Yes, it's been a little harder with Bray than it was with the twins, but I still love it. I love the innocence.  I love the newness. I love the milestones.  I love how much they want me and I know one day that will be gone.  I want my baby to stay a baby forever!

Bray is a total momma's boy.  He has slept with me almost every single night since the day he was born.  He now wraps his sweet little arms completely around my neck and he.holds.me! He is also very giving of his kisses.  He will kiss me about 20 times in a row.  I'm telling you.  This kid LOVES his momma.  I love him.  I love him with my inner most being.  He is becoming quite the character and he has such a big personality.   He will growl at you at the most random times.  He also loves to fight his brothers back when they try and take something from him.  Him and Brody wrestle and while he thinks it is hilarious, I'm pretty sure Brody is going to cut off his oxygen supply.  Even though he is a momma's boy he constantly hollers for his dada.  Guess he's just making sure he is still around while he clings on to his mommy.  He is only a size behind his big brothers.  He fits most 18 month clothes.  He is wearing a size 4 shoe.  He took his first few steps last week while he was sick and letting me know what it would feel like to be a stay at home mom to one baby!  (AMAZING).  He will be full out walking within two weeks I'm sure.  He has been eating big boy food for about a month now and can devour an entire kids meal by himself.  He for sure out eats his twin brothers. 

Bray Isaiah Baker, I remember the day I found out you would be coming in to this world like it was yesterday.  I was so scared and shocked that it had happened.  Looking at your amazing smile everyday, I wish I could have a million more of those surprises.  You are a huge blessing in our lives and I wouldn't take one second away.  You were determined to be here in every way from the conception to chosing your birthday.  I know you are going to continue to push your way through life the way you want it done.  I'm going to cherish this last month with you as a baby.  I know I will miss this year, but I know that we have many wonderful years to go.  I love you Bray Bray!

Blessed Beyond Belief

It's been 3 years and 5 days since the day we found out that we were blessed with not only one but two tiny little miracles.  As we sat at the dinner table last night I looked around as all three boys were just cracking up with each other. THREE...I thought to myself, when did this happen?  It seems like yesterday we were going through some of the toughest times in our lives trying to conceive just one baby.  One is what we prayed for.  Three is what we got.  GOD IS GOOD!

I have things I want to write all the time. I just never can find the energy to do it. I've noticed that has kind of been the trend in the blogs I follow.  Noone updates anymore. I get it because I'm obviously one of those, but I miss hearing other's struggles and joys.

Life is going good in our household.  Things are still VERY busy.  We just purchased a new house and will be moving in this weekend.  We had to change to give these three boys room to run.  I'm hoping it is a house that will hold lots of memories for each of them.  I'm currently in full planning mode for Bray's 1st Birthday which is in about 6 weeks.  (I may or may not have had a tear just stream down my face).  It's amazing how different your second child is, or third in my case.  His babyhood has just flown by.  I can't believe I'm about to have no babies in my house and none on the way.  It seems like such a strange feeling.  It's honestly a sad feeling.  It does get easier the older they all get but it also makes my heart yearn for those first months with each of them.  I guess I'll just have to  reminisce with pictures for now.  Brody and Beckham are talking like they are teenagers.  Really only Robert and I can probably understand about half the things they say but it sure is cute.  The things that come out of their mouth sometimes just makes my jaw drop.  Like where in the world did you learn that?  The other day we were looking at shapes and Brody was telling me what each one was.  We went through circle, square, triangle. Then we got to the what I would call nonstandard shape.  He held it up and said "Mommy, octagon".  I was speechless. Seriously, I probably wouldn't have even remembered what that was called ha.  This is also the kid who now calls me Mom instead of Mommy which really tugs at my heart strings. That's a battle I am losing. Then Beckham the other day was walking away from me when I needed him.  So I said Beckham, come here, to which he replied "just a minute Mommy".   Who are these kids and when did they grow up? 

I"m not going to lie.  I still go to bed most nights so exhausted and frustrated from fighting with three little ones.  Parenting is harder than I ever imagined it to be. They have pulled out more of my bad side than I would like to admit, but they have also pulled out this love I never knew could exist.  So yes I'm still hanging in there with three little ones and yes I stil feel extremely blessed.  I wouldn't have it any other way!

My Purpose

I signed up to do this eight week "Full Plate Diet" thing at work.  Basically we meet weekly and go through the material that is provided.  To be honest it has been a bit silly and I can't grasp the concept of filling up your plate with good foods.  I'd prefer burgers and fries, but that is not the point of this post.  We usually do a few exercises where they ask us to write something down and then we discuss with our group.  This particluar one they had asked us to write down our purpose.  I very easily filled mine out thinking this was a simple task.  I soon realized as we got back together to discuss that this wasn't that easy for most.  From what I could tell I was the only one who came up with something.  Let me share mine:

My purpose is to raise my children to become well rounded, respectable, christ centered individuals who know they are loved.

If I think back to my days before kids I can bet that I was right there with these other girls.  Not knowing what I'm meant for in this life.  My children have given me my purpose and they have driven my relationship with God alot closer.  I now can't even imagine going back to that previous life. I have all I could ever want and more!

New Pics

I debated for a while whether or not to get the boys two year pictures taken because lets be honest,  this age isn't the easiest.  I imagined that there would be lots of screaming and not enough hands and really just the worst.  The more I thought about it though I knew I would regret not having these every year.  Not to mention Bray needed 6 month pictures. So I decided to go for it.  I'm so glad we did because they turned out great!  Beckham and Bray cooperated pretty good that day, but Brody was...well Brody :) It made it even better though.  We always use Nicole Hager and she is AMAZING! I know our family will stay with her for years so I hope she continues to use her talent for a long long time.  Here is how they turned out.  Enjoy!


http://video214.com/play/9SErD3FLPT21wvQDI6V04Q/s/dark

The Want to Protect

It has been 26 months since I became a mom.  You would think I would have experienced a majority of the emotions that come along with that title.  My boys have experienced the pain of smashed fingers and bruised knees.  They've been sick to the point that they just want to lay on me all day.  Brody has been hopsitalized twice with IV's sticking out of him. Beckham has been through x-rays, cat scans, and ultrasounds.  My heart has felt heavy with each of these.  As a mother you hurt with your kids and for your kids.  Last night I experienced something that I really hadn't even thought about before. 

We had just put the boys down for bed.  Robert was rocking Bray and I was doing laundry in the laundry room.  Brody came out of his room with his usual "I need a inasore" (dinasour).  I was hollering at him to go get back in bed and as he was coming into the kitchen something scared him.  I don't mean just made him jump a little, I mean full out pee your pants type of scared. He screamed and ran.  He was in complete panic and ran the other direction.  I have never seen him so scared.  I ran in there while Robert was trying to get him to come to him.  I picked him up and held him.  He was shaking and crying.  I calmed him down and told him to show me what he was scared of.  He very carefully took me into the kitchen and just pointed.  I really have no idea what scared him or what he saw but I just told him it was ok and held him.  Tears began streaming down my face at this point because I think reality set in that my little innocent babies that have yet to see the world are growing up.  They are entering an age where this corrupted world is going to show its face. They are begining to know what fear is.  I have this extreme want and need to protect them.  To shield them from everything bad out there.  I hate knowing that they will experience deep hurt from another human being.  They will experience failure and jealousy and resentment.  These things are all human nature.  It is inevitable and I as their mother cannot protect them from these things.  I cannot protect them from their feelings whether they are scared, hurt or angry. 

This mother thing comes with so many more things than I had anticipated.  I'm sure there are many more realizations to come.

Coming to an End

Bray is now a little over seven months old and I have made the decision that I am ready to stop breastfeeding.  I am ready physically and trying to be ready emotionally.  I had no idea how attached I was to nursing him.  I didn't realize how much satisfaction I got from it.  I didn't realize the bond it has created between me and him.  I remember having a  hard time making the decision to stop with the boys at 11 wks, but there were different factors involved.  I wasn't even making enough milk for half a bottle with either of them.  I wasn't really nursing.  Brody would latch on occasionally but that was it.  I was going back to work and it just didn't seem worth the time it was taking for the amount that I was making.  Bray has been different.  We had some issues in the beginning. He would latch great but wouldn't stay awake long enough to finish a feeding no matter how hard I tried to get him to.  Then the kid just loved to eat so even though I was producing a decent amount I still had to supplement with formula a couple of times.  Things have worked themselves out though and for the most part he has been strictly breastfed.  We nurse twice a day.  Once in the morning and once at night.  Ok that is a lie. This kid actually stays attached to me most of the night. He used to anyway.  We are slowly breaking that with some success.  I have several reasons for being ready to be done.  Some are selfish which puts a huge amount of guilt on me.  I've been holding on to my last 10-15 lbs and I haven't been able to get rid of it due to not really being able to diet and I'm honestly just starving at all times.  That is probably my most selfish reason, but it has led to a lot of issues for me.  I don't feel good about myself.  And speaking of guilt I for some reason get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime I have to make him a formula bottle now. I have no idea what this is about because the twins were formula fed for most of their first year and they are perfectly healthy two year olds. I also feel like there is judgement from others around me.  I honestly am at a loss for where these feelings are coming from. Some others reason are due to work and how busy I am. Taking out an hour of my day to pump really hurts my time at work.  Then there is the extreme exhaustion I have from three kids who for some reason don't know how to sleep.  So all I want to do at night is go to bed.  NOT PUMP!  And then in the mornings we are already always running late so taking the extra 15 minutes to pump makes things even worse.  I'm just ready to be done and my goal was six months which I have exceeded. I have gotten down to only two times a day.  Morning and night which are the times I nurse and then still have to pump after.  The problem is that I am ready mentally just not emotionally.  I can't seem to get myself to give up those two times.  Nursing comforts my baby when nothing else will.  And I really do love that extra special time first thing in the morning when I get to cuddle him up next to me and let him nurse.  And then probably the biggest emotional connection to this is that he is probably my last baby.  Somehow knowing that whichever time I decide is my last is the last time I will ever nurse a baby.  I spent so many years longing for this.  Yearning for a baby who needs his momma.  How can it be that this is over already?  I do realize that I am making this choice and I probably should just suck it up, but just because it's my choice doesn't mean I'm not sad about it.  I just know it's time.  I'm gonna miss this!