Five Years

I had a friend email me the other day asking if she could run a mile in a marathon in memory of my angel.  I was so touched that there is someone out there that still remembers too.  That someone else out there knows that we have a child in Heaven.  It prompted me to start thinking back on the past 5 years and I started reading some old blogs.  It was a very dark and lonely place to be in that season of my life.  So much pain and heartache.  Little did I know I would be typing this 5 years down the road in one of the best places I've ever been in my life.  I have three beautiful boys and I'm happy.  I am so grateful for my journey and I wouldn't change it.  Infertility changed me, but for the better.  I'm a better mom, wife, Christian and friend.  I wouldn't give any of that up!  GOD IS GOOD!

This Thursday will be five years since we heard our angel baby's heartbeat for the first and last time. I can remember how exciting that day was. After 18 months we were finally on our way to having our baby. Little did we know that was not going to be the case. I spent 12 weeks of pregnancy (really 8 weeks) with that child. Planning names and nurseries. Doing all the things that pregnant people do. That baby is and will always be a part of us and our family. He/She is in Heaven and I can't wait to meet him/her. I just wanted to take some time to acknowledge that I still remember it all so well and to say that I still miss my angel. 

Four Maybe?

Are you guys done? Do you want a girl? You need a girl! You have to try for a girl! You need some estrogen in your house!

Baby #4 has been a “thought” for a while now.  After Bray was born it was an absolute NO.  As the months went on though it turned into that “thought”.   Here are some of the things that have constantly played in this crazy little head of mine.  “Are you insane?” “You get no sleep as it is!” “It’s going to be a boy!” “Can my uterus handle another pregnancy?” “This will be my third C-section, they say that can be dangerous!” “You are done with bottles and baby food, do you really want to go back there?” “Four colleges to pay for!” “Four cars to pay for!” “Four braces to pay for!” “You finally got your body back (for the most part anyway)!” “What if we decided to try and can’t, can you handle those emotions again?” “What if we have twins/triplets?” “We ended on a good note so why not keep it that way!” “What if it is a boy and since he won’t be close in age to the other three he is an outcast?” “All of our kids are healthy, are we pushing our luck?” “What if we don’t try and I look back at 40 and regret it?”  “The “hard times” of terrible twos are almost over, well ok you have about three more years.  All these people are lying that tell me it doesn’t get better.  How can it not? Right? RIGHT?”  “You’ve already been locked away for three years because these babies are too hard to get out, don’t you want to start living your life again?” “We won’t have the money for a third until the twins are in school and by that time do we really want to have another baby?” “SERIOUSLY, how are you even considering this?!?!” 

Being a mother has been one of THE hardest things I have ever done in my life.  It is not all fairy dust and rainbows that people seem to portray on the outside.  The truth is that most of our days start out with pure chaos and tiredness from three kids who don’t know how to sleep.  There is constant defiance to get dressed or go potty so that we can make our best attempt at getting to work on time.  Then I spend my entire day thinking about and missing the crap out of my kids and wishing I could be with them every second of every day.  Then comes the moment I see them after work.  Which is met with a huge smile and a hug from Bray and then quickly turns into a crazed kid who fights getting put in his car seat, immediately takes off his right shoe and sock and throws a fit the entire way to pick up the twins.  Then comes the twin’s daycare.  Once again I’m met with huge smiles and hugs which quickly turns to Brody running away playing with all the toys while I’m trying to get him to put on his jacket and Beckham suddenly needing a drink from the water fountain which is the opposite direction of the front door.  Then they both have to push the exit button (which is unnecessary) before finally walking out the front door to the car.  They greet their daddy and Bray with a smile.  Bray loves seeing his brothers so he is calmed down by now.  Then the ride home.  Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.  This is where I will admit that I was an infertile girl saying I will never get tired of hearing my kids saying mom. I hate for this to even come out of my mouth, but it exhausts me!  I mean my husband even has to step in at times and be like ok boys, no more questions to mommy.  I do answer every single one and I would never tell my kids to leave me alone, but in my head I do think, you know daddy is here too!  Moving on.  We get home.  Brody tries to run on the side of the house.  Why? I have no idea! Beckham will not go in until he has gotten the mail even if we explain to him over and over that it’s a holiday.  Finally get all three kids inside and the second round of chaos starts.  Bray cries for dinner because he thinks he is a starved child even though he has already eaten a full meal at daycare.  He also does not want you to put him down at this point in the day and if you do you are the meanest mommy in the world and you can see the heartbreak on his face.  Ok child I will hold you while you are still crying for food and I will get undressed from work and get dinner going.  Just cherish this baby on your hip is what my heart tells me at this point.  So I dive into kisses and hugs.  This child loves hugs and pulling the crap out of my hair! So back to being frustrated because he has now managed to physically hurt me.  Put him down tell him no and watch him cry because I hurt his feelings. I now feel horrible!  The twins are running around tackling each other so I tell them someone is going to get hurt and we are going to have to go to the hospital.  Not sure they can even hear what I say over their giggles.  The giggles make me smile and make my heart swell but doesn’t take away my anxiety from their wrestling moves.  Dinner of chicken nuggets, hot dogs or noodles is served because it is the only thing I have time to prepare.  After all we only have about an hour and a half of an evening before bed.  Dinner is always a disaster.  The twins are throwing food or spitting or making tiger noises at each other which makes them laugh with a full mouth of food which again gives me anxiety because I think they are going to choke.  Bray likes to push himself away from the table which means he can’t reach his food which means he is starving and whines.  When dinner is done we are left with an enormous mess on the table and floor to clean up EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT!  Again, exhausting! Then have you ever tried to bathe three babies with only two sets of hands?  Or tried to talk them into getting out of the tub?  How about getting them ready for bed?  The twins run around like crazy people saying nakey, nakey.  Sure this is cute while I’m thinking back on it, but not in the moment when you have worked all day and you are purely exhausted and ready for bed yourself.  Just get dressed already!!  Then comes the absolute most exhausting part of the day.  I think most toddler moms know what I’m about to say…..BEDTIME!  The twins are great about walking to bed.  We get our last drink, go potty and then tuck in.   Then the fun starts.  Mom, I need a drink.  No. go to sleep. Mom, I need to go potty.  Ok. Can’t say no. They are potty training.  Mom, I need a hug and kiss.  Ok. Can’t say no to that either.  Mom, I need a book.  No. Go to sleep.  Mom. Come lay with me.  No. Go to sleep.  Even though I honestly would love to but don’t want to start that habit.  This is usually about an hour routine EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT!  Bray is still up at this point and in his sweetest moment I want to put him to sleep but for some reason he will not fall asleep in my arms.  So he lays with his daddy and falls asleep.  He is finally at a point where he stays asleep once he is laid down.  I get excited about this point in the night because I get to lay in my bed and relax.  Funny thing is I still have anxiety at this point because I know that rest is only for about 3 more hours until one of the twins wakes up and fake cries until we come in there, which also wakes Bray up who will cry for hours until we get him and put him in our bed.   We get four hours of sleep total on a good night and this has been going on for almost three years now.  The morning eventually rolls around and we start it over once again.  We have said numerous times lately that we are literally about to have a mental and physical breakdown. I want to point out that these are not exaggerations.  You could pick any given day to come follow our family and you would witness all of these things occurring. 

So, all of that nonsense brings me back to “How can you even be thinking about having another child?!?!” It’s simple really.  No matter what, at any given moment someone can ask me if all of that is worth it.  My answer 150% will always be ABSOLUTELY!   This is a season. It too shall pass all too quickly.  We both love our children with our every being and we both know we want to experience all of this one more time.  Right now is not the time for that, but if God blesses us with the resources you better bet that we try for another miracle.   And we won’t be trying for a girl.  We will be trying for another blessing to add to our already blessed life!

Happy 1st Birthday Bray

So I'm two days late on this post but what do you expect from a mom with three boys two and under? As I've expressed I've had a hard time leading up to this day.  I knew it was going to happen sooner than I would like and I was trying to embrace it.  To heck with embracing it though.  I want my baby to stay a baby forever.  Ok ok I know, get over it!  He decided to go through a phase about two weeks before his birthday where I was no longer the only person that COULD rock him, but the only person that COULDN'T!  Come on son! Not the time for this.  Anyway, he was very kind and finally let me hold him and rock him to sleep the night before his birthday.  I cherished it.  He was moving on from being a baby into the world of toddlerhood.  I did cry as I laid him to bed that night. It's hard to know these days will soon be distant memories and my sweet innocent boy will soon be telling me to leave him alone. (Yep, the twins say this to me).  Looking back we were scared how we would manage three babies, but now I can't imagine it any other way.  I'd do it all again. 

This year with him has been a huge challenge but also a huge blessing.  He has by far been more difficult than the twins ever were.  He has a huge personality and is the best cuddler ever which makes up for it.  I was able to nurse him for 8 months which was an amazing experience.  He has been momma's little buddy and I have a feeling we are going to be very close as he grows up.  He has already switched to whole milk and has been bottle free for about three weeks.  This has been an easy transition because he wants to do everything his big brothers do.  He took his first steps the week of Thanksgiving and can now walk wherever he wants to go.  He is starting to try and talk but really you can't make much out of what he is saying.  He loves to pretend talk on the phone and to pretend sneeze.  Have I mentioned how much he loves to eat???  He has filled my heart even more this year than I thought was possible.  Can't believe how fast it went. 

We did his party on the day of his birthday.  We went with a Winter Onederland theme.  Everything turned out great. I love throwing these parties for my kids even though they may hate me when they are 16 for what they have to wear.  He got lots of great gifts although the twins have already taken them over.  I'm afraid this is going to be the story for many years to come.  Oh well maybe one day they'll see it as something cool that they basically get new stuff for each birthday since they share everything. 

So I've raised my third child past the age of one.  I would say that is a pretty good victory for a girl who spent 3 years thinking I'd never have one.  Once again, GOD IS GOOD!

Birthday Sprinkle Pancakes

 

Christmas 2013

We started off this Christmas a little on a scary note.  We had taken the twins to daycare on Christmas Eve day because we had family coming over that night and we needed to get the house cleaned.  We got a call around 10 am and it was the daycare telling us that we needed to come up because Beckham was going to need stitches.  I could tell in his voice that he was a little uneasy.  I was not prepared at all for what I saw when I got there.  He was in the rocking chair with Mrs. Linda and was actually being very calm.  I told her I didn't really want to see but I knew I needed to.  His forehead was split wide open.  I mean we're talking deep flesh hanging out.  I managed to stay calm because I knew I needed to be for him.  I sat in the back with him on the way to the hospital and we just sang Rudolph to keep him awake.  It's amazing how resilient kids are.  He was scared every time a Dr came in but in between that he was playing and laughing with his brother.  I'm pretty sure I would have asked to be knocked out.  He wound up getting 7 stitches and some glue.  He is going to have a pretty nice scar for the rest of his life.  I'm sure this was the first of many!

The rest of Christmas was wonderful!  This year the boys have been so into it.  They learned Rudolph and Santa Clause is Coming to Town in about an hour and sang it nonstop for a month.  Brody passed out all the presents and thought he was doing something so big.  I love the little boys they are turning out to be.  It is so much fun to get your joy from watching everything through a kids eyes.  I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  My next post will be about my baby boy who turns 1 in 9 days!!!! I'll leave you with some pictures.

One Last Month

My baby is 11 months old today.  I have to say, I'm having a very hard time with this.  Aside from just the general sadness of a child getting older, I can't really explain it.  This little boy who wasn't technically planned and gave me and his daddy a mini panic attack has stole my heart.  COMPLETELY!  I"m not ready for him to turn one.  I'm not ready for no more babies in our house. So I am currently taking donations for a fourth baby fund ;) The Taylor Swift song, "Don't you ever grow up, won't you stay this little" has continued to play in my head for about a week now.  I have been very saddened by the fact that my baby boy is 11 months old today and only has one month left for me to call him a baby.  One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to forget these years.  I know there are a lot of people who don't care much for the baby phase.  Yes, it's been a little harder with Bray than it was with the twins, but I still love it. I love the innocence.  I love the newness. I love the milestones.  I love how much they want me and I know one day that will be gone.  I want my baby to stay a baby forever!

Bray is a total momma's boy.  He has slept with me almost every single night since the day he was born.  He now wraps his sweet little arms completely around my neck and he.holds.me! He is also very giving of his kisses.  He will kiss me about 20 times in a row.  I'm telling you.  This kid LOVES his momma.  I love him.  I love him with my inner most being.  He is becoming quite the character and he has such a big personality.   He will growl at you at the most random times.  He also loves to fight his brothers back when they try and take something from him.  Him and Brody wrestle and while he thinks it is hilarious, I'm pretty sure Brody is going to cut off his oxygen supply.  Even though he is a momma's boy he constantly hollers for his dada.  Guess he's just making sure he is still around while he clings on to his mommy.  He is only a size behind his big brothers.  He fits most 18 month clothes.  He is wearing a size 4 shoe.  He took his first few steps last week while he was sick and letting me know what it would feel like to be a stay at home mom to one baby!  (AMAZING).  He will be full out walking within two weeks I'm sure.  He has been eating big boy food for about a month now and can devour an entire kids meal by himself.  He for sure out eats his twin brothers. 

Bray Isaiah Baker, I remember the day I found out you would be coming in to this world like it was yesterday.  I was so scared and shocked that it had happened.  Looking at your amazing smile everyday, I wish I could have a million more of those surprises.  You are a huge blessing in our lives and I wouldn't take one second away.  You were determined to be here in every way from the conception to chosing your birthday.  I know you are going to continue to push your way through life the way you want it done.  I'm going to cherish this last month with you as a baby.  I know I will miss this year, but I know that we have many wonderful years to go.  I love you Bray Bray!

Blessed Beyond Belief

It's been 3 years and 5 days since the day we found out that we were blessed with not only one but two tiny little miracles.  As we sat at the dinner table last night I looked around as all three boys were just cracking up with each other. THREE...I thought to myself, when did this happen?  It seems like yesterday we were going through some of the toughest times in our lives trying to conceive just one baby.  One is what we prayed for.  Three is what we got.  GOD IS GOOD!

I have things I want to write all the time. I just never can find the energy to do it. I've noticed that has kind of been the trend in the blogs I follow.  Noone updates anymore. I get it because I'm obviously one of those, but I miss hearing other's struggles and joys.

Life is going good in our household.  Things are still VERY busy.  We just purchased a new house and will be moving in this weekend.  We had to change to give these three boys room to run.  I'm hoping it is a house that will hold lots of memories for each of them.  I'm currently in full planning mode for Bray's 1st Birthday which is in about 6 weeks.  (I may or may not have had a tear just stream down my face).  It's amazing how different your second child is, or third in my case.  His babyhood has just flown by.  I can't believe I'm about to have no babies in my house and none on the way.  It seems like such a strange feeling.  It's honestly a sad feeling.  It does get easier the older they all get but it also makes my heart yearn for those first months with each of them.  I guess I'll just have to  reminisce with pictures for now.  Brody and Beckham are talking like they are teenagers.  Really only Robert and I can probably understand about half the things they say but it sure is cute.  The things that come out of their mouth sometimes just makes my jaw drop.  Like where in the world did you learn that?  The other day we were looking at shapes and Brody was telling me what each one was.  We went through circle, square, triangle. Then we got to the what I would call nonstandard shape.  He held it up and said "Mommy, octagon".  I was speechless. Seriously, I probably wouldn't have even remembered what that was called ha.  This is also the kid who now calls me Mom instead of Mommy which really tugs at my heart strings. That's a battle I am losing. Then Beckham the other day was walking away from me when I needed him.  So I said Beckham, come here, to which he replied "just a minute Mommy".   Who are these kids and when did they grow up? 

I"m not going to lie.  I still go to bed most nights so exhausted and frustrated from fighting with three little ones.  Parenting is harder than I ever imagined it to be. They have pulled out more of my bad side than I would like to admit, but they have also pulled out this love I never knew could exist.  So yes I'm still hanging in there with three little ones and yes I stil feel extremely blessed.  I wouldn't have it any other way!

My Purpose

I signed up to do this eight week "Full Plate Diet" thing at work.  Basically we meet weekly and go through the material that is provided.  To be honest it has been a bit silly and I can't grasp the concept of filling up your plate with good foods.  I'd prefer burgers and fries, but that is not the point of this post.  We usually do a few exercises where they ask us to write something down and then we discuss with our group.  This particluar one they had asked us to write down our purpose.  I very easily filled mine out thinking this was a simple task.  I soon realized as we got back together to discuss that this wasn't that easy for most.  From what I could tell I was the only one who came up with something.  Let me share mine:

My purpose is to raise my children to become well rounded, respectable, christ centered individuals who know they are loved.

If I think back to my days before kids I can bet that I was right there with these other girls.  Not knowing what I'm meant for in this life.  My children have given me my purpose and they have driven my relationship with God alot closer.  I now can't even imagine going back to that previous life. I have all I could ever want and more!