A Piece of My Life

It was a sad day for us yesterday.  It was announced that the Moore Medical Center where I had all three of my children will be demolished.  It was declared unsalvageable. I am a very sentimental person and this news breaks my heart.  We drove by this hospital almost everyday on the way home from picking the kids up from daycare.  It is where I have announced to them a million times that that is the first place we saw their beautiful faces.  We would drive by and tell them that that is where they would be meeting their new little brother for the first time.  My Dr's office is in that building.  It is where I have spent a better part of the last three years, getting ultrasounds, weight checks and hearing my amazing miracle's heart beats.  There are so many memories tucked away in that place.  My heart is still so heavy from what has gone in our hometown.  Please continue to pray for the people of Oklahoma. 

My Worst Fears

May 20th, 2013 will be a day that I will not be able to ever forget.  I came face to face with the reality of losing my children.

I knew that we were supposed to get bad storms that day and we were told to be aware of the possiblity of tornados.  It was right around 1:30 when they started to pop up.  I immediately started worrying about not being with the kids.  I called my sister to talk to her about where they were and what was going on.  She was on her way to get her kids out of school because things were going downhill fast.  I had to run in to a meeting at 2:00 so I told her to be careful and keep me updated.  In the meantime I knew my mother in law was home and I asked her to keep me updated as well.  Throughout the meeting I was getting texts about the location of the storm.  Towards the end of the meeting I got the news that the tornado was forming. This was the exact place our May 3rd tornado had formed.  I knew if this touched down it wasn't going to be good news.  We got out of the meeting at 3:00 and I had just enough time to put my stuff down when the sirens went off.  We all got moved to the stairwell.  I will never forget the feelings that were inside of me.  The tornado had touched down and it was headed straight for my boys daycare.  I had to sit there and just listen to those around me that were watching the coverage on their phones.  They were keeping me up to date on where the tornado was.  All I could do was pray. I have honestly never prayed that hard in my life.  "Lord, please keep my children safe, please don't let my children die, please Lord, please!"  It's all I could say over and over.  Tears just kept rolling down my face as I was thinking about what was going to happen. 

We were very fortunate that the tornado hit a few blocks south of their daycare.  We didn't go back to our desks that day, we just left work.  We couldn't get to our children fast enough.  I cried the whole way there.  I squeezed those little guys so tight and thanked God for keeping them safe.  I gave a few extra kisses that night before bed and honestly I wanted to just lay next to them.  I didn't want to leave their side.

I'm having a hard time processing the aftermath. The what ifs have haunted me for the past couple of days and I just can't stop thinking about if that tornado hadn't turned and went straight towards the daycare. I don't believe they would have survived. We rushed dropping them off that morning because we were running late. What if that had been the last moment we had with them?

There are so many that lost loved ones and children. I keep hearing more and more stories and I know that we are so fortunate to be holding our children today. For that I am forever grateful to my God.

What Will I Regret More?

This seems to be the hot topic in the blog world so I thought why not chime in with how I've been feeling lately.  The topic I am referring to is being a working mom vs. a stay at home mom.  I was hit with this thought after I had the twins and it took a toll on me.  I felt enormous amounts of guilt for being at work and missed my boys extremely.  For whatever reason this same thought has hit me ten times harder with this baby.  The thoughts of if I'm making the right decision haunt me every second of every day.  I was reading comments left on another bloggers post regarding this topic and one person asked the question.  "In X amount of years what will you regret more? Missing out on a career or not being home with your kids?"  The answer for me is 100% not being home with my kids. You see I've always really wanted to have a rewarding career.  Where I make good money and can provide for my family.  I've never been content on the position I am in and have always wanted to learn more and move further up the ladder.  Something changed though after Bray was born.   I don't see my job as sitting at a desk anymore. My job is being a mother.  I can't sit through meetings anymore without thinking about my babies.  I can't focus on anything because really all I think about is, I can't wait to get home and kiss those precious faces.  We see the boys for about 30 minutes in the morning and an hour at night.  That is such a small amount of time to indulge ourselves in our kids.  There are constant reminders of how much we are missing out on.  I laid Bray on his tummy the other day and he was just lifting straight up.  The thought runs over me wondering how long has he been able to do that and how in the world as his mother do I not know what he is capable of?  It rips my heart out.  We are missing out on so much of their childhood because we are busy working. Is that really more important than being with them?  The reality to that answer is we don't have much of a choice.  Why is that though? Why are things so over the top expensive these days that it is almost impossible for a mother or father to raise their children?  Why aren't there more opportunities for good part time jobs.  I would ideally love to take my kids to mothers day out three days a week and work during those hours.  It seems like it would be the perfect balance.  There are so many sides to this topic and from what I've gathered you are never content with your decision whichever it may be.  There is always guilt on one side or the other.  All I know is I miss my babies and I am painfully aware that I'm going to wake up one day and wish I would have spent more time with them when they were this little.  That sucks!

Pure Love

As I sit here and think about what all I want to say in this post my eyes are filling up with tears.  My heart is swelling and I have a huge smile on my face.  If someone would have told me four years ago that today I would be sitting here with three amazing little boys and that my tears of heartache would be replaced with tears of joy I would have never believed them.  As I struggled through infertility I never knew if I would see the day that I would become a mother.  That there would be a day I would hear little voices softly say mommy and little arms would wrap around me as if they were telling me how much they loved me.   I never thought that I would be staring in the eyes of my third miracle and be seeing a huge smile coming back at me.  I longed for these days.  I dreamed about these days.  I spent so many nights crying because "these" days were not a reality.  But they are here. I'm living in them. I get to do the single most important job in the world.  Be a mom!  I still get so amazed at how much I can love a single person.  Every decision I make involves them.  They are my first thought and my last thought of every day.  My world now revolves around them.  These tiny little beings have consumed me.  Even though most days are now pure chaos I still wouldn't trade one single moment.  I will never be able to forget those days of longing for what is sitting in front of me now.  They are my true life miracles.  They are my purpose!

Life With Three

I know a lot of you have been waiting for this post for a while now.  I've wanted to write it but I've been trying to figure out the best way to portray my new life as a mom to three babies under two without sounding like I'm ungrateful or have regrets.  So I will just start off by saying that I still feel extremely blessed by the life I have been given and even though it may be extremely hard I would not trade it for anything.

Since the day we welcomed Bray in to this world life has not been the same.  Our lives have been turned upside down even more so than with the twins.  Don't get me wrong.  Things changed when the twins were born, but things still seemed to go at a slower pace.  We were able to accomplish simple tasks such as laundry and eating dinner.  These days we are lucky if we get a meal or even just get to sit down by 8pm.  There are constantly bottles, dishes and pumping supplies to wash, laundry to be done (almost daily), dinner to be made (for the boys only), Bray wants to nurse during that dinner time, three baths to be taken, pumping and bags, lunches, etc to be packed for the next day.  So needless to say we barely have time to breathe.

Let's just walk through a typical day in our household.  We'll start with wake up time. 
4:20 am - alarm goes off.  Roll over hit snooze because I can't open my eyes.
4:30 am - alarm goes off again.  Bray is usually stirring by this point so I unwillingly say fine and get up.  I go warm a bottle while Robert gets up and starts getting ready.  Feed Bray. Lay him back down. Sometimes he goes back to sleep and sometimes he just lays there and talks.
4:50 am - Get in shower.  Beckham has usually woken up by this point and is crying for his momma, dadda and bubba.  We let him cry. (I know we're horrible)
5:00 amish - Pump.  Beckham has fallen back asleep by this time.
5:20 amish - Wash bottles and pump supplies and gather everthing up for the day. (pumping bag and Bray's bottles for daycare)
5:30 am - I can usually start finally getting myself ready for the day.  Robert is finished by this point so he packs our lunch bags for the day and then starts getting the twins up and ready.
5:50 am - Get Bray changed and dressed and help Robert if he hasn't finished getting the twins dressed and brush their teeth and hair.
6:00 amish - Pack up our herd in my awesome hot mini van and head to daycare.
7:00-5:00 - Get relaxtion at work, but think nonstop (and cry sometimes) about the kids.
6:00pm - Get home, strip their clothes, put the boys in their chairs at the table and turn Lion King on to occupy them long enough to pop dinner in the microwave. (Yes, again we are horrible) Bray is usually asleep in his car seat and we leave him be for the moment.
6:15 pm - Dinner is served. Bray has woken up and is crying at this point because he is hungry even though he just ate an hour ago. (He still cluster feeds at night)
6:30 pm - Bray is attached to my boob.  Brody has usually dumped his entire plate on the table and is making swirls of whatever sauce or fruit juice he had.  Robert is gathering up laundry or getting bath and night stuff ready. 
6:40 pm - Bray is still attached.  (Some nights I just have to unattach him long enough to give the twins baths) Robert cleans off plates and hands and we head to the bath tub.  Twins play for 5 minutes and then it's time to get down to business. They cry as we take them out because they love bath time.  Get boys dressed and ready for bed.  Bray is screaming at this time because how dare you not feed him. 
7:00 pm - Get Bray bathed and ready for bed. Reattach Bray.  Twins grab a book to take to bed.  They give me and Bray a kiss and Robert puts them down.  They have no problem going to sleep and are out within 5 minutes usually. 
7:30 pm - Bray has usually fallen asleep by this point so I put him in his rock n play in our room. 
7:45 pm - Finally grab us something to eat. 
8:00 pm - Start washing bottles and pumping supplies from the day. Robert is cleaing off the table. Bray is crying.  How dare you put him down. Robert goes in and rocks him back to sleep. 
8:15 pm - Pump.
8:30 pm - Ah sleep. 
12-3am - Bray will usually wake up somewhere between this point.  I get up to get a bottle warmed while Robert changes him.  Robert feeds Bray while I pump.  Back to sleep.
4:20 am - Alarm goes off and so starts our day once again.

Our life is anything but relaxing at the moment.  Here is where I'm going to tell you how I really feel most days and here is where my guilt begins.  I sometimes dread nights.  I love picking up all the boys and hearing Brody run to me yelling mommy and then giving them all the biggest hugs and kisses because I've missed them so much, but at the same time I know we are about to go home and have a million things to do.  I know that I am going to be so exhausted from lack of sleep and being at work all day and all I really want to do is lay on a couch and go to sleep.  But that is something that literally can't happen at our house.  All the things we "have" to do are things that we literally have to do.  There is nothing we can cut out and leave for the weekend.  I find myself most nights almost in tears just from pure exhaustion.  Both emotional and physical.  I'm sad because there is no quality time with what is most likely our last baby.  Then I'm sad because there is no play time with the twins.  I find myself wanting them to be just a little older so they are more independent.  Then I find myself crying because they are growing too fast.  My mind is in a constant battle with itself.  I get upset at the fact that we will never know what it is like to just have one baby.  We got on the fast track baby plan and that ship is just sailing right along without stopping to enjoy the view.  I love all three of my boys more than anything in this world and know that things happen when they are supposed to, but when do I get to enjoy them?  When do I get to just take a moment, be mommy, and play.  And I'm not talking just play in general.  I'm talking play with each one individually.  I feel guilty that they don't have that. I took Brody with me to Target the other day and it was one of the most fun times I've had with him.  That sounds crazy but it was so different with just one kid.  I know Summer is coming up and there will be more opportunities to do things with them, but then it's the issue of what to do with Bray.  We have two toddlers that are still very dependent on us and have to be watched, so that leaves us one adult shy of a kid (Bray).  I'm sure we will figure all this out eventually.  It's still very new but on the same note each new phase of Bray's life will require more attention.  Right now I feel is when it is going to be the easiest for the next couple of years.  The bottom line is, for those that wanted to know what life was like, life is hard.  It's exhausting. Somedays I truly do not know how I'm going to make it through another day. Somehow we just do. 

Being a Mom

I found this on someone else's blog and had to post it.  This is a perfect depiction of how I feel as a mother.  Altough my babies are still young I still think about the future and how I am going to protect them and teach them the things of this world.  The love I feel as a mother is something I will never be able to fully describe.  It's something you just have to experience for yourself to know.  I love those kids so much it hurts and would do anything to protect them.
  

We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." "We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"




"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.



"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."



But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes.



I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.



I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her.



That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.



I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moments hesitation.



I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.



I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.



However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.



Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself.



That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.



I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor.



My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks.



I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child.



I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.



I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.



I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike.



I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time.



I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.



My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.



- Author Unknown

Two Months

You are two months old already my little Bray Bray.  You have started smiling so big first thing every morning and there couldn't be anything better to wake up to at 4 am. You love to coo at us when we talk to you.  I think you are telling us how much you love us. You sure are a strong little man and rolled over from your tummy to back for the first time at a little under 5 wks old.  I thought it might have been a fluke, but you have done it several times since then.  This leads me to believe you are going to be very advanced like your brothers.  Yes, I think all you boys are very advanced and smart and you get it from your mommy :).  You are getting some pretty cute little rolls these days.  This is something new for mommy and daddy as your brothers were so much smaller than you are.  You are wearing 0-3 month clothes, size 1 diapers, but about to go up to 2.  Here are your stats from your two month appointment:

Weight: 13 lbs (70th %)
Length: 23 in (50th %)
Head: 15 1/2 (60th %)

We love you so much and so do your big brothers.  You were meant to be in this family and we are so thankful for you our little munchkin.  Love you to pieces.

(sorry for the sideway pics)