A Little Overwhelmed

If you've noticed a lack of my "i'm pregnant" post, it's because I"M NOT! Imagine that. I went in for my 3rd and final pre- IUI work up today. Nothing new to do this month. I did however discuss how we are ready to move on to IVF after this cycle if it doesn't work. My Dr. said he is willing to entertain the idea and sent me to get the IVF packet. I never thought reading material could get one person so overwhelmed and worked up. I knew that IVF was an invasive procedure, but reading the actual day to day steps just somehow hit me really hard. I actually starting crying reading it. Not only am I overwhelmed with the actual process, but I also have to figure out some way to go to frequent Dr. appointments and have surgery without telling work. I just moved to a new position and I really just don't want them knowing this part of my life. Most of it is because I don't want the constant questions and looks wondering if I'm pregnant yet. If you know what I mean? Another thing that hit me like a ton of bricks is the cost of things. Again, yes I knew how much it was, but now to see it broken down is crazy. We have to attend an IVF class on Aug 17th and just the class is $77.00. Then we will randomly be paying $44.00 (unless insurance covers this) for office visits such as getting tested for HIV, Hepatitis, blood type, and cholesterol. Who does this to have a baby? Us apparently. And not to mention the enormous amount of meds I will be on and have to pay for. So next time we tell you we can't afford hamburger buns, we have a reason. I have been spending a lot of time in prayer lately. I am trying to come to better terms with why we are going through this. Why we have to sacrifice so much when others don't. I just keep picturing holding our baby for the first time and know that this will all be worth it someday.

If this IUI doesn't work I will start the IVF process which starts with birth control pills (ironic yes) on August 28th. My surgery for retrieval of my eggs would be around October 9th and the transfer would take place around 3-5 days later. That would put me finding out around October 23rd. Seems like so far away.

Thank You Self Magazine

I subscribe to Self magazine and was pleasantly suprised when I received the August 2010 issue. They covered a 5 page (yes 5 page) story on a womans struggle with infertility and the shame that goes with it. It went on to talk about infertility being a disease, just like cancer, that no one wants to talk about. There are groups out there trying to bring awareness to it and to raise money and beg governments for more research, but they have no one rallying behind them. Why are we so ashamed of this? It's not like we chose it. It doesn't make us any less of a human being. What it has done is made us stronger and honestly more appreciative. I am not ashamed of my infertility. Oddly enough it has become a part of me and it has shaped me to be the person I am right now. I am proud of how much love and appreciation I will have for our child because I know the struggle and heartache it took to have that child in my arms. For those of you struggling with infertility please speak out. Go pick up a copy of this magazine and read the story. After you have done that you can go to www.self.com and make your comments and they will become part of the CDC's National Action Plan to address the causses of prevention and infertility.

Thank you to Self for putting this out there for others who do not know what we go through to read. I know there are a lot of people out there that think having children is a choice, but I would like to see those very same people striped of their right to have a child and see what they think then. It's easy to judge and make your opinions when you've never walked in that persons shoes.

A Wonderful Father

I don't even know where to begin to tell you how great of a father Robert is going to be. He has such a passion for kids. He is so caring and loving. So non judgmental and open. It brings tears to my eyes to sit and daydream about us having kids and how amazing he is going to be. He deserves to be a father. What if I can't ever give that gift to him? What if he never becomes a father? I can only imagine the questions he has in his mind about all of this. We know several absent fathers. Why did they get that blessing when they don't even appreciate or want it. They don't deserve it. Robert deserves it. He deserves to tear up while seeing his child for the first time. He deserves to have the overwhelming feeling of love. Not only is my heart breaking for me, but it breaks for him too. He stays so strong through all of this. I know he does it for me and I appreciate it. He is my rock through this. He has kept me going when I want to quit. I am forever grateful to God for sending him to me. Whether we have children or not at least I know that I have one incredible blessing in life. My husband.

On a side note, I will do my 2nd IUI tomorrow morning. Lots of prayers please.

This is Scary

I can remember dreading that yearly appointment with my lovely OB/GYN. It was horrible and not something I looked forward to. I would go sit in the waiting room all clamy because it was mortifying knowing you were about to go put your legs up in stirrups and let a complete stranger be in your business. Oh and it's even better when they have students in there. Well I had my vaginal ultrasound on Friday before I can start my Femara. While I was driving home it dawned on me that I don't even think twice anymore about that being uncomfortable. It's like it has become second nature to strip down and let a Dr be in my business. I don't get nervous or uncomfortable anymore. I find this very troubling and had to share. LOL.