Saturday, April 24, 2010

Have You Missed Me

It's been a while since I have posted. Honestly it's because I really haven't been thinking about this infertility crap! I started a fitness bootcamp two weeks ago and I've really just been focused on getting back in shape and healthy again. I didn't temp at all the first part of the month. I kept setting my thermometer out and when I would wake up I was too lazy to stick it in my mouth. I finally picked it back up on cd 13 because I was having some mid cycle spotting and was worried it was from ovulation and I would miss it. But it wasn't, so I'm not sure what that was about. I'm on cd 16 right now and haven't ovulated yet, which is pretty late for me. I'm sure I will within the next few days and it's on to the wait again. I really think I'm at a point that I don't care if I get pg in the next few months. Like I said in my earlier post, I'm really just tired of it all. Quite honestly it's been really refreshing to not be worrying about it. Another big reason I don't really care right now is because we have about $1600 in medical bills. $1200 of that is from my surgery. Another $200 is from Robert's portion of our IUI. People who know me know I freak out when I have outstanding bills. Don't get me wrong I will still probably cry if I am not pg this month, but at least the in between isn't so bad right now.

Today is one year since we found out that our baby hadn't survived. I honestly don't think I will ever forget how painful that day was. I will say that I am very proud of how far we have come since that day. Both emotionally and in our marriage. As much as that day hurt for both of us I wouldn't change a thing. I still trust that this is God's plan for us. I said it right after and I'll say it again. I feel so blessed that God chose this journey for us.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Can I Take It Back?

Sometimes I wish no one knew what we were going through. I feel like the first thing people are thinking when they see me is "is she pg yet?", "should I ask questions?". I wish I could keep this all between me and my husband now. I don't regret telling people because the support has been amazing over the past 2 years, but now that we are closing in on 3 years I'm just kind of tired of talking about it. I'm tired of thinking about it, obsessing over it, and letting it control me. I don't want to put on that fake smile and say yes I know it will happen eventually. Truth is, I don't know that. No one knows that. In two weeks we will officially be considered infertile for the 2nd time. (you know the definition a couple trying for at least a year) I can't believe it's almost been a year since our baby was taken from us. I'm crying as I type this because I miss our baby so much. I never thought that we would still be here a year later empty handed and brokenhearted. It hurts to stop and think about how much time has really passed and the babies that have been born and the ones who are about to celebrate their 2nd birthday. I'm ready to move on from this "attachment" to our marriage. I just want to be Robert and Kandice again.

"Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see" Hebrews 11:1
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3