Saturday, May 29, 2010

Faith Tested

Most people won't touch this topic, but I'm going to. FAITH! Over my life time I've been taught to have faith. It's what I've read in the Bible and learned in church. It's all been simple until it's been tested. One or two times it was easy. It was like ok God, I can do this. Throw it at me. Then there comes a point though when that 15th time (and I'm not exaggerating) becomes too much. It all goes out the door. How can you be the one who has the most faith out of anyone you know and still get handed the most painful punishment? Where does your commitment to faith or lack there of come in? How does our God work that way? Does he say ok I'm going to make you struggle and test your faith, the one who has been faithful to me.While the couple down the road who has never stuggle to have a child and never had faith in God can ask for forgivness on their death bed and go to Heaven? I don't get it anymore. And honestly I'm not sure if I have faith anymore. I know this is going to kill my parents if they read it, but honestly how can I? I have watched so many people around me get what they want (and in some cases not what they want). We're still here. Ground zero. Still with the thought that even if we do get pg again, will it be a cruel joke? Like haha tricked you again? Suffer some more pain because you haven't suffered enough. I still believe in God and I will NEVER turn my back on that, but the faith I have is slowly fading away.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Lets Catch Up

Sorry, I've been really bad about blogging lately. I think I've ran out of emotions. First let me tell you how Mothers Day went for me. The best part of the day was when my wonderful husband brought me home flowers and a card (from the puppies). It was so sweet of him to think of doing that. As soon as I read the card my emotions just let lose. I BAWLED my eyes out. I had been bottling up all that I was feeling and I finally just let it go. He thought that he had done something wrong. hah men. They are so funny sometimes. He told me he was scared to bring them because he didn't know if it was the right thing to do. I hate that he even has to question that. I wish it was just simple and he could bring me flowers with joy because I am the mother of our child, but I'm technically not. Even though we know we have a child in heaven. That wasn't my only melt down. We went to his moms and celebrated and I was fine there, but then we went to my parents. When we were telling them bye I just busted out again. I cried hard that time. Like can't catch your breath hard. There is just so much pain involved with Infertility and Miscarriage that you can't understand unless you have been there. I know all these people around me feel so sad for me. I really try not to place that burden on my friends or parents, but sometimes I just need to get it out. By the way thank you Marie. I had another good cry with her too the same night. So enough about my emotional mess.

The other thing that happened big in our life recently is we decided to sell our house. We have found some land that we want to build our next home on. Hopefully it will sell soon and we will be "semi" country folk by next year. It makes me really sad to think about not living in this house. This is where we started our journey. There are so many memories here in just 3 short years. But once we move maybe it will be like a fresh start.

I'll try and keep up more. Maybe something exciting will happen soon :)

Friday, May 7, 2010

Can We just Skip This One

This week has been a really rough week in the fertility department. I have been in the last week of the wait to see if I'm pg, all the while knowing I'm not because of my temps. Today my temp took a nose dive which means my period is on the way. Perfect. Just in time for Mothers Day. And not just any Mothers Day. The Mothers Day I was suppose to have a 6 month old baby. I was suppose to be a first time mom this year. I was suppose to get recognized. Instead I will be fighting back tears every second on Sunday. I really would like to just skip this Mothers Day and sit at home and have a good cry. I've kept this pain pretty hidden over the past few months. I've thought I was fine. I had thought I found new hope with the surgery, but what I have found is that all to familiar pain. I feel very alone. Just in the past couple of weeks there have been more babies born and more pregnancy announcements. I'm so happy for these people, but I hate that it's a reminder to me just how long we have been trying. I need a vacation from life right now, but since we've racked up a $1200 bill that is what our money will be going to. This just doesn't seem fair sometimes. We work hard, we deserve to treat ourselves. Why is it that we have to pay for a child? Is it not enough that we have to suffer month after month. Shouldn't we be able to afford to take a break? I just want it all to go away.
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3