I Need to Explain

I have been meaning to write this post for a while now but just haven't gotten around to it.  It's something that has really been weighing on me and for some reason I feel like I need to get it out there.  Some of you will understand it and some of you won't simply because you haven't walked in my shoes, but I at least want to try and give you a glimpse. 

Life as a twin mom is hard.  And I think it is something that a lot of people don't quite understand.  Sure I have a million people telling me daily "oh bless your heart","you have your hands full" or "I don't know how you do it".    Those are just people with images in there head about what they think it would be like.  What they think and the reality of it I'm going to assume doesn't even compare. 

Most of our nights are spent going back and forth between our bed and the boys bedroom.  With twins one can wake up at 2 am because of teething and then the other one will wake up at 3 am.  There isn't much sleep happening around our house.  We are constantly taking off work for illness.  It never fails that one gets sick and two days later the other one is sick.  (And yes I realize this happens with any siblings).  Every night there are two disastrous high chairs to clean up, two kids to clean off before they can even get out of the high chair, two kids to bathe, two diapers to change, two kids to put jammies on and two kids to get to sleep.  What this means for us is neither one of us gets a break for that night.  It requires the both of us at all times.  By the time they go to bed at 7 both of us are so exhausted that we usually follow right behind.  Not to mention we know how many times we will be getting up throughout the night and that our kids wake up anywhere between 4 am and 5 am most mornings.  Some may say how is this different from anyone else with mulitple children?  This is where I'm saying some will understand and some won't.  You have to remember this is two toddlers who are still very dependent on us.  It's not like having multiple children at different ages where one can do everything for themselves.  Most of you who are my friends have noticed that we never do anything.  We don't make it to birthday parties (kids or adults), we rarely eat out, we actually rarely leave the house. It's a lot of work.  The loading and unloading.  Making sure two toddlers are content and fed and not tired.  Just simply having to chase them around at someone elses house and tell them no a million times because things aren't baby proofed is not exactly our idea of a good time.  I do feel like I've lost some friends since having them and I think a lot of that just comes from others not understanding my daily life.  We're about to add a 3rd baby to this mix so it isn't going to get any better any time soon. 

In all honesty I don't know that I can accurately portray being a twin mom.  It's one of those things that we just do.  We somehow manage to make it through every day full of love because we have been so blessed. Twins are hard and come with a lot of "extras", but at the end of the day I wouldn't trade one minute of it.  Even if that means losing a few relationships along the way.  My kids will ALWAYS come first. 

Pre Postpartum

So it hit me, in my dream when I least expected it and had no control over my thoughts.  The "it" I am referring to is the sudden complete sadness that this pregnancy is almost over and of never being pregnant again.  I didn't expect to feel this way.  I didn't really feel this way at the end of the twin pregnancy or after.  I guess it's because maybe I knew that having another child was still a thought and possibility.  And thanks to God I was able to experience pregnancy again. Now, we aren't doing anything to officially take care of ever getting pregnant again, but in our minds we are done.  We want to be able to provide things for our children and kids aren't cheap these days.  I would like to return to normalcy at some point (I'll explain in another post).  I'm ready to move on from the baby phase and on to raising our children.  Don't get me wrong I will completely miss the baby phase, but I'm sure y'all understand what I mean.  I'm ready to have my body back and feel normal and all those wonderful things you lose control of when pregnant.  So my mind knows this, but my heart is feeling something completely different right now.  I'm going to contribute a huge amount of these feelings to infertility.  Yep it follows me everywhere.  It's really all we've known as a married couple.  It's all my body has known.  It's going to be very strange to not have that constant thought of pregnancy.  It's a new chapter we are starting and my hope is that once Bray is here my heart will feel complete.  For now I have less than 8 wks left of my final pregnancy and I'm grieving this chapter. 

On a happy note here are some pics of the boys from Halloween.  I was very amazed by how quickly they caught on to getting candy. 




This was the night we went trick or treating at the High School





These are from their daycare party.  Ignore the doll Brody is playing with. He is very secure with his masculinity