IVF Class

Well we had our official IVF class on Tuesday. We walked in not knowing what to expect and thinking it would probably be a little overwhelming. We were both surprised by the amount of people and the variation of ages. We had 10 couples and the ages ranged from probaby about 25-35. It wasn't at all as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. Actually it was quite amusing to be in a room with so many men and be openly talking about menstrual periods. Probably even more crazy that all these men knew about everything the nurse and embryologist were talking about and they were the ones with questions!!!! 3 years ago they probably didn't even know what ovulation was. We didn't learn much more in the class than we read in our packet. Seemed like they just talked about A LOT of shots. Or maybe that is all I could think of. The success rate right now for IVF is 68% with a 30% chance of twins and 3% chance of triplets. I'm actually ok with these statistics. If God wants me to have 3 little babies, so be it.

There is one big thing that I am struggling with big time. We have the choice to freeze our eggs for later use. Part of me does not think this is morally right. My struggle comes though with the fact that at the Bennett Fertility Clinic they are not allowed to dispose of eggs. So if I choose ahead of time not to freeze any than they are only allowed to fertilize the amount of eggs (give a few) I want put back in, and there is a chance that they would not delevop to transfer to me. If we do decided to freeze them it is roughly $3000 for the first year then about $47 a month after until you decide what to do with them. There are a couple of options if we did not use those eggs. We could donate them to research, donate them to another couple, or they would insert them back in to me at a time when I am not ovulation so they would basically be disposed of by me or something like that. I would of course chose the 3rd. Those are still our babies, embryos or not. The goal is to not have to go through IVF again. I have this huge amount of hope that this is a one time thing for us. After this we hope to be that couple that the infertiles hate because we just can't quit getting knocked up. ok so I'm kidding. Anyway, I'm having a really really hard time with this decision and I have to decide pretty soon.

A Lot to Catch up on

Wow where do I start. I'm getting really bad about posting here lately. I've been doing a fitness bootcamp at night so when I get home it's pretty much straight to bed. Ok, first. My grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer last week. This has been pretty hard to deal with. Actually, I'm not sure I know how to deal with it. I've never lost anyone in my family (minus my baby of course). Right now I'm just praying for God to either heal him or if it's time for him to go to heal my family and know he is in a better place. As of now he is not going anywhere though. He had surgery yesterday to remove 1/3 of his lung. He took a while to wake up, but when he did he was back to his witty self. He is doing amazing. Please just keep my family in your prayers.

I also had my 10 year high school reunion this past weekend. It was so much fun. I can't believe 10 years have gone by so quickly. I saw a lot of old friends. I still wish more would have came. Here is a pic of all the girls and me and my husband.




We did our 3rd and final IUI yesterday. This one actually was pretty painful. I'm not sure what was so different, but I cramped all night. I'm actually thinking I ovulated the day before which would be the earliest I think I have ever ovulated. Don't worry we have our bases covered ;). It's almost bittersweet knowing this is the last one. It has become such a part of me and who I am. At the same time I'm so happy to put this behind me. Even if we do have to move on to IVF at least it's something new and more promising. Prayers Prayers and more Prayers please.

A Little Overwhelmed

If you've noticed a lack of my "i'm pregnant" post, it's because I"M NOT! Imagine that. I went in for my 3rd and final pre- IUI work up today. Nothing new to do this month. I did however discuss how we are ready to move on to IVF after this cycle if it doesn't work. My Dr. said he is willing to entertain the idea and sent me to get the IVF packet. I never thought reading material could get one person so overwhelmed and worked up. I knew that IVF was an invasive procedure, but reading the actual day to day steps just somehow hit me really hard. I actually starting crying reading it. Not only am I overwhelmed with the actual process, but I also have to figure out some way to go to frequent Dr. appointments and have surgery without telling work. I just moved to a new position and I really just don't want them knowing this part of my life. Most of it is because I don't want the constant questions and looks wondering if I'm pregnant yet. If you know what I mean? Another thing that hit me like a ton of bricks is the cost of things. Again, yes I knew how much it was, but now to see it broken down is crazy. We have to attend an IVF class on Aug 17th and just the class is $77.00. Then we will randomly be paying $44.00 (unless insurance covers this) for office visits such as getting tested for HIV, Hepatitis, blood type, and cholesterol. Who does this to have a baby? Us apparently. And not to mention the enormous amount of meds I will be on and have to pay for. So next time we tell you we can't afford hamburger buns, we have a reason. I have been spending a lot of time in prayer lately. I am trying to come to better terms with why we are going through this. Why we have to sacrifice so much when others don't. I just keep picturing holding our baby for the first time and know that this will all be worth it someday.

If this IUI doesn't work I will start the IVF process which starts with birth control pills (ironic yes) on August 28th. My surgery for retrieval of my eggs would be around October 9th and the transfer would take place around 3-5 days later. That would put me finding out around October 23rd. Seems like so far away.

Thank You Self Magazine

I subscribe to Self magazine and was pleasantly suprised when I received the August 2010 issue. They covered a 5 page (yes 5 page) story on a womans struggle with infertility and the shame that goes with it. It went on to talk about infertility being a disease, just like cancer, that no one wants to talk about. There are groups out there trying to bring awareness to it and to raise money and beg governments for more research, but they have no one rallying behind them. Why are we so ashamed of this? It's not like we chose it. It doesn't make us any less of a human being. What it has done is made us stronger and honestly more appreciative. I am not ashamed of my infertility. Oddly enough it has become a part of me and it has shaped me to be the person I am right now. I am proud of how much love and appreciation I will have for our child because I know the struggle and heartache it took to have that child in my arms. For those of you struggling with infertility please speak out. Go pick up a copy of this magazine and read the story. After you have done that you can go to www.self.com and make your comments and they will become part of the CDC's National Action Plan to address the causses of prevention and infertility.

Thank you to Self for putting this out there for others who do not know what we go through to read. I know there are a lot of people out there that think having children is a choice, but I would like to see those very same people striped of their right to have a child and see what they think then. It's easy to judge and make your opinions when you've never walked in that persons shoes.

A Wonderful Father

I don't even know where to begin to tell you how great of a father Robert is going to be. He has such a passion for kids. He is so caring and loving. So non judgmental and open. It brings tears to my eyes to sit and daydream about us having kids and how amazing he is going to be. He deserves to be a father. What if I can't ever give that gift to him? What if he never becomes a father? I can only imagine the questions he has in his mind about all of this. We know several absent fathers. Why did they get that blessing when they don't even appreciate or want it. They don't deserve it. Robert deserves it. He deserves to tear up while seeing his child for the first time. He deserves to have the overwhelming feeling of love. Not only is my heart breaking for me, but it breaks for him too. He stays so strong through all of this. I know he does it for me and I appreciate it. He is my rock through this. He has kept me going when I want to quit. I am forever grateful to God for sending him to me. Whether we have children or not at least I know that I have one incredible blessing in life. My husband.

On a side note, I will do my 2nd IUI tomorrow morning. Lots of prayers please.

This is Scary

I can remember dreading that yearly appointment with my lovely OB/GYN. It was horrible and not something I looked forward to. I would go sit in the waiting room all clamy because it was mortifying knowing you were about to go put your legs up in stirrups and let a complete stranger be in your business. Oh and it's even better when they have students in there. Well I had my vaginal ultrasound on Friday before I can start my Femara. While I was driving home it dawned on me that I don't even think twice anymore about that being uncomfortable. It's like it has become second nature to strip down and let a Dr be in my business. I don't get nervous or uncomfortable anymore. I find this very troubling and had to share. LOL.

MIA

I know I have been missing lately, but I have a good reason for it. Our house got struck by lightning and it blew out all of our electronics. So needless to say I have been without a computer for a month while we have been trying to deal with the insurance company. I am up and running now though. I feel like there is so much I need to catch up on. Where to start. Ok we decided to pull the for sale sign out of our front yard. Money just seems to be getting tighter and tighter and we want to be able to still enjoy things in life. There was no necessary reason for us moving, so we will be staying a little longer. And maybe in a couple years a certain you know who will not be running our country and we will actually get the money we work hard for.



We also made a huge decision today. We have decided to do IVF. I don't want to get in to too many details of why we decided this because for now I feel like that's between me and my husband, but let's just say the heartache of hearing all the "oops" has finally taken its toll on both of us. We will be doing two more IUI's first, but if those don't work then we will be starting the IVF process in September. I'm extremely scared to think about us doing this. I don't know if my biggest fear is the $15,000 it will cost, the daily self injections, or the heartache of the possiblity of someone telling me it didn't work. We only have one try at this. Our insurance will only cover one. I never thought I would see the end of the "treatment" road. What happens after this? Do we just keep trying for 5 more years? The emotional roller coaster I have been on for 3 years now has been bad, but I can't even begin to fathom all the emotions that I will feel with this.



I wanted to explain the process a little just in case there are those who read my blog that don't know. I will talk to my Dr more about everything on Friday, but this is what I understand so far.

I will take birth control pills for three weeks. Then for the next two weeks I will give myself a daily injection of lupron. I then go in for an ultrasound to make sure my eggs are ready for fertility injections . Then in the 6th week I will take several injections per day to stimulate my eggs. During that 6th week I go to the dr several times for ultrasounds and blood work. During the 7th week I will go in to have the egg retrieval. I have to be sedated for this. I will then wait 3-5 days until my eggs are ready and they will be inserted back in me. I then I have to basically be on bed rest for 2 days. Now if this doesn't sound like a romantic way to conceive a child......



I'm literally in tears thinking that this is how we have to have a child. I have asked God why so many times. I am praying so hard that it happens before this. But if it doesn't and we have to do this at least I know without a doubt that no one can question on us on how bad we want a child.