Have You Missed Me

It's been a while since I have posted. Honestly it's because I really haven't been thinking about this infertility crap! I started a fitness bootcamp two weeks ago and I've really just been focused on getting back in shape and healthy again. I didn't temp at all the first part of the month. I kept setting my thermometer out and when I would wake up I was too lazy to stick it in my mouth. I finally picked it back up on cd 13 because I was having some mid cycle spotting and was worried it was from ovulation and I would miss it. But it wasn't, so I'm not sure what that was about. I'm on cd 16 right now and haven't ovulated yet, which is pretty late for me. I'm sure I will within the next few days and it's on to the wait again. I really think I'm at a point that I don't care if I get pg in the next few months. Like I said in my earlier post, I'm really just tired of it all. Quite honestly it's been really refreshing to not be worrying about it. Another big reason I don't really care right now is because we have about $1600 in medical bills. $1200 of that is from my surgery. Another $200 is from Robert's portion of our IUI. People who know me know I freak out when I have outstanding bills. Don't get me wrong I will still probably cry if I am not pg this month, but at least the in between isn't so bad right now.

Today is one year since we found out that our baby hadn't survived. I honestly don't think I will ever forget how painful that day was. I will say that I am very proud of how far we have come since that day. Both emotionally and in our marriage. As much as that day hurt for both of us I wouldn't change a thing. I still trust that this is God's plan for us. I said it right after and I'll say it again. I feel so blessed that God chose this journey for us.

Can I Take It Back?

Sometimes I wish no one knew what we were going through. I feel like the first thing people are thinking when they see me is "is she pg yet?", "should I ask questions?". I wish I could keep this all between me and my husband now. I don't regret telling people because the support has been amazing over the past 2 years, but now that we are closing in on 3 years I'm just kind of tired of talking about it. I'm tired of thinking about it, obsessing over it, and letting it control me. I don't want to put on that fake smile and say yes I know it will happen eventually. Truth is, I don't know that. No one knows that. In two weeks we will officially be considered infertile for the 2nd time. (you know the definition a couple trying for at least a year) I can't believe it's almost been a year since our baby was taken from us. I'm crying as I type this because I miss our baby so much. I never thought that we would still be here a year later empty handed and brokenhearted. It hurts to stop and think about how much time has really passed and the babies that have been born and the ones who are about to celebrate their 2nd birthday. I'm ready to move on from this "attachment" to our marriage. I just want to be Robert and Kandice again.

"Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see" Hebrews 11:1

This Is Where We Are

I had my follow up appointment with our RE yesterday. He repeated most of what I already knew. I even got pictures of my insides. How cool is that. Infertility Rocks. Um no it doesn't, but that was probably one of the coolest things to see besides hubby's sperm swimming. He gave us the ok to try again and he wants us to do it on our own for a few months. I was so happy to hear him say that because that is exactly what Robert and I wanted to do. I would love nothing more than to be able to conceive on our own. And with me starting a new job I wouldn't really be able to randomly take off for treatments. I have new hope and it feels amazing. It feels like I am almost back to the early months of trying. We all know mentally that's not the truth, but for the first time in a long time I feel like we have a chance again. So please continue to keep us in your prayers. We'll see what the next few months bring.

This is an article I wanted to include. I got if off another blog. I would encourage you to read it. It explains so well what couples with infertility deal with on a daily basis.
http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie

And the Conclusion Is

I have stage I endometriosis on my ovaries. The procedure went really well and the Dr. was able to laser it all off. They found that both my tubes are open and working properly. YAY!! I'm not sure what this means exactly. Like if this could have been the cause of our Infertility or not. I will be meeting with the Dr. on Thursday and will get to ask questions. My number one question will be if we are able to try this month. We are restricted from intercourse right now until he gives us the clear. I'm a little nervous because Thursday will be cd 14 and I hope I haven't ovulated by then. I feel more at ease now. The final test is over and now I feel like I have some breathing room. I want to thank my husband for being such an amazing man and taking care of me. My parents were also there to support me and I hope they know how much that means. This week I have also realized how many wonderful friends I have. I got so many texts before and after my surgery. I love you all, and thank you so much for your support. Thank you Lord for all I have been blessed with.

Things Are Changing

Well I think my bad luck streak is officially over. I got a call on Monday morning when I arrived to work telling me that they would like to offer me a new position. This could not have come at a better time as I think I was about to be laid off due to the sale of my division. So I hope this is the start of good things to come in 2010.

I also would like to mention that even though I have surgery on Friday and will be actively trying to conceive this month, I have not even really thought about my infertility. I should be temping, but I can't even remember to do it in the morning. I can't tell you how much of a difference it has made in me over the past month. I have been thinking like a fertile person. I've made decisions based on what I want to do, not "well I might be pregnant". And get this. I shed no tears or thought twice about starting my period last month. It hasn't been what defines me lately and it's been nice.

God works in the most strange ways. I am so thankful to Him. I have trust again.

"God is the light that shows me the way, for there is nothing that God cannot do"

Rescheduled

I just got off the phone with the nurse and my surgery has been rescheduled for March 19th. I"m so excited. Now I need your prayers that I will be better by then. It's two weeks away. Let's hope so.

An update on my weight loss. I am stuck at 5 lbs. I didn't even eat a whole lot over the weekend and I still didn't lose weight. (because I was sick people, not starving myself). I really need to work a little harder at this. Man getting older sucks.

Quick Update

Well as if I didn't have enough bad luck coming my way here's some more. I have been sick the past few days with what I think is the flu. So needless to say I can't have my surgery tomorrow. I should be really pissed right now, but I'm not. I think having this break has been kind of nice, and I don't mind extending it out a little longer. Trust the Process!