Can't Shake It

This weekend was a pretty rough weekend emotionally. I had no expectations of being pg, but I was still clinging on to hope. Saturday night I laid in bed crying knowing that I was going to start soon and my fear of not being pg before my due date was going to being staring boldly at me. I just can’t shake that that day is coming up. I should be meeting our child soon. Staring into its eyes for the first time. Feeling a love that you can’t explain. Instead I’m feeling a pain that is greater than anything I’ve ever felt. I feel completely empty. My husband is such a great support, but for some reason I feel like I want to shut him out right now too. I don’t want him to know how much pain I’m in. I want to be strong for him. He knows me better than anyone though so it’s hard to hide it from him. He told me he’s feels the same way. He’s hurting just like I’m hurting. We need to lean on each other. I just want that dreaded day to pass. Maybe I’ll plant something in memory of our child. I’m ready for the day when this pain won’t be so bad. I’m sure it’s coming soon.

As for the update on my infertility, I start taking Femara tomorrow. The postcoital test won’t be done until I get a positive OPK which should be some time around Halloween. I’m really hoping for it to fall on the weekend so I won’t have to wake up at 3am to get busy. Lol. I’m really hoping this is our lucky month. I’m really excited to be seeing the specialist. I really think it’s already made me relax more.

It's Getting Closer

It hit me today that if I’m not pg this month then my due date will pass without me being pg. I really thought I would be by then. After it happened I remember saying I don’t know how I’m going to handle it if I’m not pg by my due date. I’ve been fine over the past couple of months as far as the miscarriage goes, but now I am 27 days away from my due date. I am about to see the people who were pg with me give birth to their babies while I will still have an empty uterus. I’ve been contemplating whether I need to take off that day or not. I’m not sure exactly how hard November 10th is going to be this year, but I’m thinking it’s not going to be very easy. I’m free to suggestions to keep myself busy that day. Oh and prayers!!!!

Got off Track a Little

I found out a friend of mine is pg this week. I won’t lie and say it didn’t sting a little. Not because I’m not happy for her, but just because she was able to do it so easily. To some of you who have never been through this you may not understand, but for those of us who have it’s the hardest thing to explain. When I text her to tell her congratulations we had a little conversation about life and she said some things were going on with her family. I didn’t ask much more because we are suppose to have dinner next week. Well in the meantime I have learned that her dad has been diagnosed with cancer. He was given a year to live. He is going to go to Texas to have a surgery that will add another year on to his life. So two years is what they are giving him. My heart stopped when I heard this. I sat and thought about how I have really turned my back on a lot of my friends just because I think my problem is so much bigger than anything they have going on. They don’t understand my pain so I want to shut them out. I’m so ashamed that I have let myself be this way. My problem is so small compared to what she is going through. Here lately especially the last few months I have forgotten what I need to be thankful for. I have even turned my back on my faith. Something I haven’t shared with anyone. I haven’t been to church in 3 weeks. I have felt like I was being faithful with God and he wasn’t being faithful with me, but he is. I have an amazing husband, amazing friends, and an amazing family. He hasn’t wronged me. I have wronged him. I’m so sorry to everyone I have shut out. I am going to get back on track and remember what I have to be thankful for. God has really blessed me with an amazing life.

RE Appointment #1

I had my appointment with the specialist yesterday. He basically told us that we are a young healthy couple and our tests have come out fine so we didn’t really need to be seeing him. Not what I wanted, but Robert made a good point. At least we know he’s not out for our money. I really liked him though. He was very straight forward and took the time to talk to us. He gave us the option of doing nothing because apparently to him we are normal and since we were pg back in Feb we are technically not considered as an infertility patient. (that one pissed me off) Just because we had a miscarriage doesn’t mean we have a child. Anyway, or we can start Femara next month and he also wants to do a postcoital. Oh this will be fun to explain. Basically we go in around when I’m ovulating. We have intercourse then 4 hours later go in to see him where he will swab my cervix and observe under a microscope whether his sperm are swimming in my mucous. Oh doesn’t this sound lovely. Of course we opted for the Femara. I’m so tired of taking our time on this. I’m ready to move on and be proactive. I think I have about 2 weeks until my next cycle. So that’s two more weeks of relaxation. Then it’s hard core trying!!!!!