Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Can't Shake It

This weekend was a pretty rough weekend emotionally. I had no expectations of being pg, but I was still clinging on to hope. Saturday night I laid in bed crying knowing that I was going to start soon and my fear of not being pg before my due date was going to being staring boldly at me. I just can’t shake that that day is coming up. I should be meeting our child soon. Staring into its eyes for the first time. Feeling a love that you can’t explain. Instead I’m feeling a pain that is greater than anything I’ve ever felt. I feel completely empty. My husband is such a great support, but for some reason I feel like I want to shut him out right now too. I don’t want him to know how much pain I’m in. I want to be strong for him. He knows me better than anyone though so it’s hard to hide it from him. He told me he’s feels the same way. He’s hurting just like I’m hurting. We need to lean on each other. I just want that dreaded day to pass. Maybe I’ll plant something in memory of our child. I’m ready for the day when this pain won’t be so bad. I’m sure it’s coming soon.

As for the update on my infertility, I start taking Femara tomorrow. The postcoital test won’t be done until I get a positive OPK which should be some time around Halloween. I’m really hoping for it to fall on the weekend so I won’t have to wake up at 3am to get busy. Lol. I’m really hoping this is our lucky month. I’m really excited to be seeing the specialist. I really think it’s already made me relax more.

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"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3