Can I Get a Break Please

It's the old saying, "when it rains it pours". I mean seriously I just want one thing to go right. Give me that new job I've been wanting, pay raise, positive pg stick, free mortgage. (ok that's a little extreme) We did our taxes yesterday and guess how much we are getting back?....... NOTHING! We owe. Guess how much we owe? $622. REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS GOVERNMENT!!! And you know what the biggest slap in the face is? If we had a child we would probably be getting money back. Well guess what Obama, we're trying. Does that count for anything? I know it's life, but I just need to get my frustrations off my chest. And I will leave with the bottom line. LIFE ISN'T FAIR!

This is my Story

This Sunday will mark a year since I found out I was pg with our first child. I had told Robert a few days before we found out that I thought I was. For some reason I just had a feeling that month. I woke up that Saturday morning and took a test. I had actually been bummed two days before because I had gotten a negative. I sat the pee stick down that morning (12dpo) and didn’t expect anything from it. After all I had been through this 18 times before and I knew the disappointment I thought I was about to feel. I finished up my business and picked it back up. There was a line and not just a control line that has shown up before, no this was a second line. I was wondering if I was seeing things at first. But I knew I wasn’t. I kept quiet because I wanted to kind of surprise Robert. I took it to the living room and hid it under the blanket. When he came in I pulled it out and showed him. He couldn’t believe it. He gave me the most passionate kiss I have ever received from him. It was like a release. Finally we could enjoy each other and not have “baby making” in the FRONT of our minds. I was ready to tell the world, but he wanted me to take a few more tests to make sure that there really was a second line that would keep appearing. Sure enough, it did.

I had thought of a way I wanted to tell my parents that involved our puppies. I bought some baby t-shirts from Target and went and got iron on letters from Hobby Lobby. I put Big Brother on the back. We invited my parents to go to dinner that night and afterwards we asked if they wanted to come in. As soon as we got in I said oh you have to see these shirts we bought for the dogs. So I went in the bedroom and dressed them up and then let them loose. My parents were just saying oh they look so cute. They weren’t quite catching on. I said did you see what it says. As soon as they read it there eyes both just starting swelling with tears. We also went and told his family that day. They were really excited too. They haven’t had a baby in the family for a while.

Flash forward 4 weeks and we are at our first appointment. Still naïve as ever. Seeing our baby on that screen and hearing its heartbeat was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. That was our baby. Our life that we created together. I didn’t realize at that point that that would be the last time we ever saw our baby.

During the next 4 weeks I experienced morning sickness ALL DAY, headaches, bloating, sore boobs. All the things that infertiles long to feel. I ate a Taco Bell bean burrito almost ever night because it was the only thing that ever sounded good. I never had a single sign or thought that something was wrong. At 10 weeks I was already starting to get a little pooch. I was so excited that I would be showing soon. I have always loved pg bellies and mine was going to be one soon.

April 24th, 2009 turned out to be the absolute worst day of my life. It started off very exciting. I was so happy to be able to hear our baby’s heart beat again. The day before the Art’s Festival was in town so my girlfriends, Robert, and I all went to eat lunch. One of them even commented on my boobs getting big already. Sweet! I think somehow Robert knew that day that everything wasn’t ok. He just kept telling me that he hoped the appointment went well tomorrow. I thought surely nothing could be wrong because I had had morning sickness and my tummy was growing. Wouldn’t I have spotted if something was wrong? The next day I headed to the Dr. I was alone that day because Robert had just started his new job and we thought it was a minor appointment he could miss. P.S. I will never go to a Dr. appointment without him again. As soon as I walked back to the room and laid on the table for them to hear the heartbeat I got an overwhelming sense of fear. I think even I at that point I could feel something was wrong. The assistant couldn’t find the heartbeat. The PA came in and tried and couldn’t either. They were very encouraging that sometimes you can’t find it on the Doppler that early. Although I was almost 12 weeks. They sent me for an ultrasound at the hospital. They couldn’t tell me the results there because of HIPPA laws or whatever, but I should have known when she asked me if I was sure of how far along I was.

I now had to wait for the PA to call me. I went to my friend Tricia’s office to kill some time before I had to go pick Robert up from work. I will never forget the moment that phone rang and the PA’s voice on the other end. I’m not sure I even know what she said to me, but I know that right there I knew what she was about to tell me. My heart sank. How could this be happening to me? Why would God do this? We worked hard for this child. We don’t deserve this. So many emotions and thoughts were running through my head. I called Robert and told him I needed to come pick him up. Then I called my dad and just sat there and asked why. My Dad prayed for me and Robert right there on the phone. He’s always been good at being the spiritual leader.

Robert and I went home that day and just held each other and cried. The next few days were extremely hard. I would just randomly bust out in tears. Even in the middle of the night. I would just wake up and start bawling. The pain was so much to handle. I have amazing friends and family that sent us flowers, brought us food, and just sent text letting us know that they were thinking about us. You are all amazing and we are so blessed to have you in our lives. I had my D&C on that Monday April 27th. That’s when it became official. My dream was over just like that.

I never thought I would be here a year later with a Clomid round, 3 Femara rounds, IUI, laparoscopic surgery, and several born babies and still not holding our own child. If you would have asked me 2 ½ years ago when we started this if I would have imagined that I would be this strong. I would have told you no way. But you know what? I am strong. I have endured, and I will prevail. I will not let this get the best of me, my marriage, or my faith. I AM STRONG.

Me Against the World

Is it me or is every single person pg? I mean even the infertiles are all pg now. Don't get me wrong I am EXTREMELY happy for them, but come on. Did it have to happen all at once where I feel like the lone ranger left behind. All of the girls except one on my pregnancy boards are pregnant. And the one who isn't just started trying again so I'm sure she'll be knocked up soon. Then it seems like every blog I've read lately is saying "I'm pregnant"And not to mention anytime I open Facebook, walk in to a store, or even walk in to work it's a pregnant lady fest. Close your legs people....ok ok that was a joke. I know I sound like a complete mean girl here, but I'm not mad at the preggos. When I say I'm happy for them I really truely am. I've said it a million times. I would never wish for anyone to feel this pain. I'm just emotionally drained from watching everyone else get to feel the greatest joy in life and trust me I've watched a lot!

Dear Belly Fat.....You Suck

Since I am officially on a mandatory break from TTC due to the laproscopy I am going on a mandatory diet. Ok I’m the one making it mandatory, but seriously it’s much needed. I cleaned out my closet the other day and pulled out about 20 pairs of jeans, slacks, skirts, and shorts that if I would lose about 15 lbs I could fit back in to. That’s a whole new wardrobe folks. And not to mention the tight little tube tops that I love wearing in the summer time, that I can no longer wear because I have a gut. It’s time to take charge! So I will not be large hah. I like my rhyme. So anyway, my goal for now will be 10 lbs by the time I have my surgery on March 5th. This is a very attainable goal. I am going to try and post some pics too of before and after. Of course with clothes on. You will be able to tell in my face. That’s usually where I lose/gain weight noticeably first. So wish me luck. I’m not very good at dieting these days.

Just One Day

I think us infertiles should be allowed one day a month to just stay at home and kick things, throw things, curse things, and just simply bawl our eyes out until be can’t breathe and our eyes are swollen shut. Is that too much to ask? This is what I feel like doing the one day that the stupid hag decides to show and crush my dreams of motherhood one more month. But I can’t. I have to put myself together in the morning makeup and all and go to work and act like my life is perfect. Like I’m the happiest person in the world who has everything. Man, if these people I came in contact with every day only knew the slightest amount of pain I feel they would be in disbelief. I’m just ready for this pain to stop. I want to cry tears of joy not tears of heartache. Enough is enough.

All Time Low

I just have to share my dream with you to let you know just how bad it has gotten. I was at a dinner party with a bunch of random people. Topic of discussion equalls getting impregnated. I sat there at the head of the table while everyone around shared there stories about how quick and easy they got pregnant. The last one I remember was the pastor who married us saying heck we got pregnant while on birth control. I immediately began to tear up in my dream, but had to fake a smile to not let anyone know that their success caused me pain. Ahhh... so this is literally my every thought now. Even when I'm asleep.... SIGH