Thank You Self Magazine

I subscribe to Self magazine and was pleasantly suprised when I received the August 2010 issue. They covered a 5 page (yes 5 page) story on a womans struggle with infertility and the shame that goes with it. It went on to talk about infertility being a disease, just like cancer, that no one wants to talk about. There are groups out there trying to bring awareness to it and to raise money and beg governments for more research, but they have no one rallying behind them. Why are we so ashamed of this? It's not like we chose it. It doesn't make us any less of a human being. What it has done is made us stronger and honestly more appreciative. I am not ashamed of my infertility. Oddly enough it has become a part of me and it has shaped me to be the person I am right now. I am proud of how much love and appreciation I will have for our child because I know the struggle and heartache it took to have that child in my arms. For those of you struggling with infertility please speak out. Go pick up a copy of this magazine and read the story. After you have done that you can go to www.self.com and make your comments and they will become part of the CDC's National Action Plan to address the causses of prevention and infertility.

Thank you to Self for putting this out there for others who do not know what we go through to read. I know there are a lot of people out there that think having children is a choice, but I would like to see those very same people striped of their right to have a child and see what they think then. It's easy to judge and make your opinions when you've never walked in that persons shoes.

A Wonderful Father

I don't even know where to begin to tell you how great of a father Robert is going to be. He has such a passion for kids. He is so caring and loving. So non judgmental and open. It brings tears to my eyes to sit and daydream about us having kids and how amazing he is going to be. He deserves to be a father. What if I can't ever give that gift to him? What if he never becomes a father? I can only imagine the questions he has in his mind about all of this. We know several absent fathers. Why did they get that blessing when they don't even appreciate or want it. They don't deserve it. Robert deserves it. He deserves to tear up while seeing his child for the first time. He deserves to have the overwhelming feeling of love. Not only is my heart breaking for me, but it breaks for him too. He stays so strong through all of this. I know he does it for me and I appreciate it. He is my rock through this. He has kept me going when I want to quit. I am forever grateful to God for sending him to me. Whether we have children or not at least I know that I have one incredible blessing in life. My husband.

On a side note, I will do my 2nd IUI tomorrow morning. Lots of prayers please.

This is Scary

I can remember dreading that yearly appointment with my lovely OB/GYN. It was horrible and not something I looked forward to. I would go sit in the waiting room all clamy because it was mortifying knowing you were about to go put your legs up in stirrups and let a complete stranger be in your business. Oh and it's even better when they have students in there. Well I had my vaginal ultrasound on Friday before I can start my Femara. While I was driving home it dawned on me that I don't even think twice anymore about that being uncomfortable. It's like it has become second nature to strip down and let a Dr be in my business. I don't get nervous or uncomfortable anymore. I find this very troubling and had to share. LOL.

MIA

I know I have been missing lately, but I have a good reason for it. Our house got struck by lightning and it blew out all of our electronics. So needless to say I have been without a computer for a month while we have been trying to deal with the insurance company. I am up and running now though. I feel like there is so much I need to catch up on. Where to start. Ok we decided to pull the for sale sign out of our front yard. Money just seems to be getting tighter and tighter and we want to be able to still enjoy things in life. There was no necessary reason for us moving, so we will be staying a little longer. And maybe in a couple years a certain you know who will not be running our country and we will actually get the money we work hard for.



We also made a huge decision today. We have decided to do IVF. I don't want to get in to too many details of why we decided this because for now I feel like that's between me and my husband, but let's just say the heartache of hearing all the "oops" has finally taken its toll on both of us. We will be doing two more IUI's first, but if those don't work then we will be starting the IVF process in September. I'm extremely scared to think about us doing this. I don't know if my biggest fear is the $15,000 it will cost, the daily self injections, or the heartache of the possiblity of someone telling me it didn't work. We only have one try at this. Our insurance will only cover one. I never thought I would see the end of the "treatment" road. What happens after this? Do we just keep trying for 5 more years? The emotional roller coaster I have been on for 3 years now has been bad, but I can't even begin to fathom all the emotions that I will feel with this.



I wanted to explain the process a little just in case there are those who read my blog that don't know. I will talk to my Dr more about everything on Friday, but this is what I understand so far.

I will take birth control pills for three weeks. Then for the next two weeks I will give myself a daily injection of lupron. I then go in for an ultrasound to make sure my eggs are ready for fertility injections . Then in the 6th week I will take several injections per day to stimulate my eggs. During that 6th week I go to the dr several times for ultrasounds and blood work. During the 7th week I will go in to have the egg retrieval. I have to be sedated for this. I will then wait 3-5 days until my eggs are ready and they will be inserted back in me. I then I have to basically be on bed rest for 2 days. Now if this doesn't sound like a romantic way to conceive a child......



I'm literally in tears thinking that this is how we have to have a child. I have asked God why so many times. I am praying so hard that it happens before this. But if it doesn't and we have to do this at least I know without a doubt that no one can question on us on how bad we want a child.

Faith Tested

Most people won't touch this topic, but I'm going to. FAITH! Over my life time I've been taught to have faith. It's what I've read in the Bible and learned in church. It's all been simple until it's been tested. One or two times it was easy. It was like ok God, I can do this. Throw it at me. Then there comes a point though when that 15th time (and I'm not exaggerating) becomes too much. It all goes out the door. How can you be the one who has the most faith out of anyone you know and still get handed the most painful punishment? Where does your commitment to faith or lack there of come in? How does our God work that way? Does he say ok I'm going to make you struggle and test your faith, the one who has been faithful to me.While the couple down the road who has never stuggle to have a child and never had faith in God can ask for forgivness on their death bed and go to Heaven? I don't get it anymore. And honestly I'm not sure if I have faith anymore. I know this is going to kill my parents if they read it, but honestly how can I? I have watched so many people around me get what they want (and in some cases not what they want). We're still here. Ground zero. Still with the thought that even if we do get pg again, will it be a cruel joke? Like haha tricked you again? Suffer some more pain because you haven't suffered enough. I still believe in God and I will NEVER turn my back on that, but the faith I have is slowly fading away.

Lets Catch Up

Sorry, I've been really bad about blogging lately. I think I've ran out of emotions. First let me tell you how Mothers Day went for me. The best part of the day was when my wonderful husband brought me home flowers and a card (from the puppies). It was so sweet of him to think of doing that. As soon as I read the card my emotions just let lose. I BAWLED my eyes out. I had been bottling up all that I was feeling and I finally just let it go. He thought that he had done something wrong. hah men. They are so funny sometimes. He told me he was scared to bring them because he didn't know if it was the right thing to do. I hate that he even has to question that. I wish it was just simple and he could bring me flowers with joy because I am the mother of our child, but I'm technically not. Even though we know we have a child in heaven. That wasn't my only melt down. We went to his moms and celebrated and I was fine there, but then we went to my parents. When we were telling them bye I just busted out again. I cried hard that time. Like can't catch your breath hard. There is just so much pain involved with Infertility and Miscarriage that you can't understand unless you have been there. I know all these people around me feel so sad for me. I really try not to place that burden on my friends or parents, but sometimes I just need to get it out. By the way thank you Marie. I had another good cry with her too the same night. So enough about my emotional mess.

The other thing that happened big in our life recently is we decided to sell our house. We have found some land that we want to build our next home on. Hopefully it will sell soon and we will be "semi" country folk by next year. It makes me really sad to think about not living in this house. This is where we started our journey. There are so many memories here in just 3 short years. But once we move maybe it will be like a fresh start.

I'll try and keep up more. Maybe something exciting will happen soon :)

Can We just Skip This One

This week has been a really rough week in the fertility department. I have been in the last week of the wait to see if I'm pg, all the while knowing I'm not because of my temps. Today my temp took a nose dive which means my period is on the way. Perfect. Just in time for Mothers Day. And not just any Mothers Day. The Mothers Day I was suppose to have a 6 month old baby. I was suppose to be a first time mom this year. I was suppose to get recognized. Instead I will be fighting back tears every second on Sunday. I really would like to just skip this Mothers Day and sit at home and have a good cry. I've kept this pain pretty hidden over the past few months. I've thought I was fine. I had thought I found new hope with the surgery, but what I have found is that all to familiar pain. I feel very alone. Just in the past couple of weeks there have been more babies born and more pregnancy announcements. I'm so happy for these people, but I hate that it's a reminder to me just how long we have been trying. I need a vacation from life right now, but since we've racked up a $1200 bill that is what our money will be going to. This just doesn't seem fair sometimes. We work hard, we deserve to treat ourselves. Why is it that we have to pay for a child? Is it not enough that we have to suffer month after month. Shouldn't we be able to afford to take a break? I just want it all to go away.