Better Than Expected

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. A day that I thought would be our childs first holiday with the family. I expected it to be a really tough day, but somehow I managed to block the thought out. It ran across my mind for a brief second and then it was gone. Somehow I have found a place where I can be content with this struggle. It's my choice to either dwell on it and be miserable or just go with the flow and accept it. I chose the later. It's been such a relief to not have my head and heart completely consumed in trying to have a child. I'm back in the gym, I've started tanning, i've forgotten to take my temp a couple of mornings. I can feel the stress taken off. I've actually been able to get a full nights sleep without waking up several times and stressing about forgetting to take my temperature. There is only one thing left that I need to work on. We still haven't been back to church. I wont lie. I am a woman of Christ, but I have still been angry with Him. It's time to let go and let God!!!!!

New Approach

Ok so as you can tell from my last "angry" post I am not doing so well.  With the holidays coming up it's not going to get much easier.  I have come to the conclusion though that my life has to go on.  I can't stop everything like I have for the past two years.  There are trips we want to take, weight I want to lose, clothes I want to buy.  So many things that I haven't done all because "what if I'm pregnant".  I called the RE on cd 1 and never received a call back.  I really didn't care though.  It's time for me accept the fact that 2 Dr's (1 a specialist) have told us we are perfectly fine.  It really is just a matter of time for us.  I don't know if I've ever written this in a blog, but before we started trying I remember praying for patience.  He is trying to answer my prayer and I'm not listening.  It's time to take about 5 steps back.  It's time to put my marriage in front of having a child and not having a child in front of my marriage.  And it's time for a new prayer.  Lord I prayer that your will be done.  

It May Have Hit

I've kept wondering when it's going to be too much to handle.  I honestly think it might have finally happened.  With passing my angel baby's due date and now the first month seeing the RE being a bust I just can't handle it right now.  The pain is so great I can't even explain it.  I've been crying today just out of nowhere.  Life isn't suppose to be like this.  Why does everyone else get to have their families and we don't.  I've been patient.  I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of ALL of it.  I'm tired of hearing people say "are you sure you want children" just after their child throws a fit or "it will happen when it's suppose to" or "you are an amazing person, God will bless you".  Screw it all.  There is nothing I have wanted more in my entire life than to become a mom, and I can't even make that happen.  I really don't want to do this anymore.  

In Memory

So I promised some pictures of our plant. If I'm technology savy enough this will work lol. Ok here is the first picture of what it will look like when it blooms.



And here is the plant after we planted it in the pot.



Now the hard part. Keep it alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All around yesterday was a lot easier than I thought it would be. It is really hard emotionally to think that we should have a child right now, and yet we're still struggling to concieve. I had so many kind words and prayers yesterday from amazing people that kept me going. I really am blessed! Thank you all.

Lyrics

These lyrics hit home today.

THOUGHT YOU'D BE HERE Words & Music by Wes King
We thought you’d be here by now
Your mother and I
We’re praying through our tears that somehow
We might hear your sweet cry
Have we waited too long
It’s getting harder to be strong
Is there something we’ve done wrong
But if you like dancing
I'll make it rain rhythm, and rhyme, and melodies, child
And if you like dreaming
Your mother will make your imagination run wild
Somehow, we thought you’d be here by now
We have a room just for you upstairs
It’s right down the hall
So we’ll be close should you ever get scared
We’ll come when you call
It’s a room full of stories
Waiting to be told
Longing to behold
And if you like laughing
I’ll paint you a circus of smiles and ferris wheels, dear
And if you like living
Your mother will fly you to worlds both far and near
Somehow…
I never knew the silence could make me so deaf
I never knew that I could miss someone I’ve never met
Miss someone I haven’t met yet
We’ll be waiting

Tommorow

Well tomorrow is the day. Surprisingly I’m feeling very at peace with it. It may be a whole different story tomorrow, but for now I’m ok. We went out and bought a plant yesterday. We are going to keep it in a pot for now, then when spring comes we are going to create some sort of a memorial garden in our backyard. Robert made the comment yesterday, “can you believe we would be having a child this week?” It’s gone by so fast. It’s all the more reason for us when we do get pg to slow down and enjoy every minute of it. I still thank God for putting us through this because it has brought us to appreciate each other more and to know even more what a miracle a child is. I can’t wait to be holding our miracle.

I will post pictures tomorrow of our memorial plant.

Random Thoughts

Thought #1 I was in the shower this morning doing my usual random thinking and it dawned on me how ironic this whole process is. We’ve spent so much time not wanting to get pg and trying to prevent it. Now we are spending loads of money and seeing specialists. Seriously we could have not worried about it that whole time because it obviously is not that easy for us to get knocked up.

Thought #2 So I have been getting a lot of emails lately from just different people whom I know, but they are my closest friends. I have completely cherished these emails and appreciate them so so much. Seriously these people don’t know how much their kinds words mean. The point of this thought is that I didn’t even know these people read my blog. I have a simple request. If you follow my blog will you become a follower? You can use a fake name if you would like, but it’s nice for me to see how many people actually read this.

Thought #3 I love Starbucks non fat vanilla lattes, but I really wish they weren’t so dang expensive.

Thought #4 It’s amazing how the people that don’t know you that well are the ones you feel like care most for your situation. Why is that? Shouldn’t it be your family and close friends? (I realize there are some of my family and friends that this thought excludes)

Thought #5 Ok this is more of an update on my cycle. I am now 4 dpo (days past ovulation). Oddly enough I will be testing on my angel baby’s due date. I technically am not suppose to start until November 13th, but I can’t resist. A positive test on that day could take some of the hurt away.

Another Perfect Test

We just got back from our postcoital.  Once again we are perfectly normal.  Dr said he likes to see at least 3-5 sperm swimming in the cervical mucous and he saw about 10.  We got to take a look at the slide and it was pretty amazing to see.  I'm really glad everything turned out ok, but a little bummed that we really are that "perfect" and not conceiving a child. It just really proves that God is not ready.  

Two more weeks and we'll know if this is our lucky month :)