Looking Forward to 2010

I can honestly say this year has probably been one of the worst years of my life. We started out the year hopeful to get pg and we accomplished that in February only to have it taken away from us 12 weeks later. And of course we haven't been able to accomplish another pregnancy since. I have had 4 other friends have miscarriages this year as well. I also started out the year thinking I would be able to apply for better positions within my company. Well we all know the economy is crap which means there are no raises, promotions, or open positions. I am so ready to move on to 2010 where I hope to have a baby, a deeper relationship with Christ, a better career, and an even better marriage. Here's hoping!

Happy New Year

Careful What You Wish For

So in my previous post I said that I pretty much didn't want to have Christmas this year. Well guess what. I got my wish. We got almost 2 ft of snow througout Christmas Eve, with about 5 ft snow drifts. Needless to say we pretty much got stuck at home. The Christmas Eve festivities at my grandpa's house were cancelled for the first time since I've been alive. We finally shoveled our way out mid morning Christmas day and try to head to my parents house. Everywhere we would turn there would be a car stuck. So we just went on to my in laws house. We spent the entire day there because my families festivities were about 40 miles away and we didn't want to chance it. I came home bawling because I was so upset that for the first time in 27 years I didn't get to spend Christmas with my family. My amazing husband surprised me though. He had called my parents, sister, and niece and nephew and asked them if they could come to our house. They showed up about 8:00pm. I was so excited. I love my family. That day made me realize how much I need them. Christmas is so different these days. I miss the days when it was about family (and Jesus of course). The older you get the more things really do change. I will never wish away a Christmas again. I am so blessed in my life and extremely grateful for what I have.


I thought I would include some pictures from the great snow storm of 2009.

Christmas Time

So I've talked enough about infertility. Time for a happier time. I thought I would post some pics of our decorations. There aren't many so this will be quick.
Here is our Christmas Tree.n We are still in the hunt for a perfect topper.



And here are the lights on the outside of the house. It's kind of a crappy picture, but you get the point. Hubby and nephew did such a great job.



I hope everyone has Merry Christmas. And remember this season is about Jesus, not us!

I may have a condition

So for those of you who don't know what it's like to be on this extremely, did I mention EXREMELY emotional journey you may be thinking I'm a bit bi-polar. I realize I go from one extreme to the next. One day I'm confident and the next day I'm hating life. I ensure you though that I am normal and healthy. :) Just had to clear that up haha.

Ok now to the plan for this month. I went to the RE on Thursday. He prescribed me Femara again and started in on you know we want these things to happen fast and really there is only a 20% chance of getting pg every month yada yada yada. So I kindly said well I think after 2 1/2 years I'm not so happy with those statistics. I want more. I told him about how I was on estrogen the month I got pg, so he said he is willing to try something new. So along with the Femara I will be taking a Progesterone Suppository. Yes you read that right. Twice a day at that. Oh and it has to be refrigerated. This is not going to be comfortable. Now does anyone else want to question if I really want kids? He did say I have to take at least 3 rounds of Femara before he will move on. So this is 2. Let's hope it doesn't go farther than that.

Loss for Words

Well I haven't written in a while and it's simply because I don't have much to say. I'm really starting to feel numb these days. Today starts another month of failed attempts at getting pg. So let's see this makes us going on month 29. I guess you can minus 3 months since I was in fact pg at one point, but we see the outcome of that wonderful experience, so I choose not to deduct it. I'm internally struggling with going back to the RE and making him do more, but at the same time I want to accept that there is nothing wrong with us and it's just God's time. I struggle so hard these days to come to terms with that. I have been so patient. Why does He want to put any of His children through this much pain. None of it makes sense to me. I keep saying I'm going back to church, but I just can't find my faith. No matter what I do it's not there. It's gone. I literally feel like everything is crumbling around me. I don't even want to have Christmas this year. This will be our 3rd Christmas since we've been trying for a child. Still unsuccesful. Just another reminder when we wake up Christmas morning and there is only ours and our dogs stockings hanging. Just another reminder when we go watch my niece and nephew open "santa" gifts because we don't have a child of our own. I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't know how to cope.