Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Loss for Words

Well I haven't written in a while and it's simply because I don't have much to say. I'm really starting to feel numb these days. Today starts another month of failed attempts at getting pg. So let's see this makes us going on month 29. I guess you can minus 3 months since I was in fact pg at one point, but we see the outcome of that wonderful experience, so I choose not to deduct it. I'm internally struggling with going back to the RE and making him do more, but at the same time I want to accept that there is nothing wrong with us and it's just God's time. I struggle so hard these days to come to terms with that. I have been so patient. Why does He want to put any of His children through this much pain. None of it makes sense to me. I keep saying I'm going back to church, but I just can't find my faith. No matter what I do it's not there. It's gone. I literally feel like everything is crumbling around me. I don't even want to have Christmas this year. This will be our 3rd Christmas since we've been trying for a child. Still unsuccesful. Just another reminder when we wake up Christmas morning and there is only ours and our dogs stockings hanging. Just another reminder when we go watch my niece and nephew open "santa" gifts because we don't have a child of our own. I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't know how to cope.

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"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3