Thursday, August 27, 2009

What do you live for?

So when you ask people what they get up and go to work for everyday their answer is usually their kids. So what about those of us who don't have kids? I've been thinking a lot lately about what if I can't ever have kids. What will be the purpose of my life. (aside from God). I've honestly always felt I was meant to be a mom. That is my purpose. I find it harder and harder to have the motivation to get up and go to work everyday. All I work for right now are the "things" we have. And the fertility treatments I guess. I don't need those "things" I want a child. I want a reason to get up every morning and go to work. I need motivation for life right now. I wake up some days and wonder when my life became like this. All I do is go to work miserably tired everyday then come home change in to my pajamas and go to bed. I'm really trying to work on my patience, but I'm so ready to have a change. I want our baby.

Sorry I think my meds are making me a little emotional. I've been having some sad days here lately.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

How Much Longer

Well another cycle has passed without a positive result.  There are days where I sit here and wonder how much more of this I can endure.  I think if I didn't have my faith I would have already gone in to a deep depression.  I can't even begin to describe the pain I feel every month when I have to turn to my husband and say "I just started".  To see his face after that is just heartbreaking.  I hate that there are so many well deserving people who have to go through this.  I would not wish this on ANYONE!  I'm starting a support group at church so I really hope this will help myself as well as others coupe with this.  The longer time goes on the harder it is getting to stay excited about being a mom someday.  It's  almost getting to that point where I don't believe it's ever going to happen.  My biggest fear in life is a reality right now.  

I will be starting Clomid tomorrow.  Please keep us in your prayers!  

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Two Years Today

Two years ago today I married the man who has truly become my best friend. To Robert, I just want to say how extremely blessed I feel that God has brought you in to my life. I never in a million years really expected to have such a caring and thoughtful husband. I really didn’t think they existed. You have made me a better person and I am so grateful for that. We have been facing many challenges over the past two years and I honestly believe they made our marriage stronger. We have a love that will endure forever. Especially with God on our side. I thank you for your support throughout the years. I couldn’t ask for a better husband! I love you.

Today also marks the two year anniversary of when we decided to start TTC. I sometimes wish I could go back to that point when I was naïve as to how long this could take. I don’t think Robert or I thought we would ever have to endure this much pain together. I still to this day praise God though for what he has put us through. I feel very blessed that he chose us. It would be a wonderful gift for us to get our miracle this month. Our due date would also be May 2nd. Which in turn I could chose to deliver on 4/27. The one year anniversary of when our angel went to heaven. What a blessing that would be. I want to say thanks to all my family and friends who have been there for us too. We truly have some amazing people in our lives.

Friday, August 14, 2009

And waiting again

As of today I am currently 4 dpo. Which means 8 days to go before I can test (if I hold out that long). I've actually noticed myself this cycle not being so "in tuned". It hasn't helped that I"ve been sick for over a week now, which by the way gave me some wonderful fertile cervical mucous due to the medicine I was taking. For those of you who don't know, some cold medicines have guaifenesin in it. Which actually creates you to have more cervical fluid. In my case it gave me an ABUNDANCE. This was probably the only happy part of TTC this month. Being sick and having to bd do not go together very well at all. So anyways back to the not staying "in tuned". First was going to the dr. They always ask you when your last menstrual cycle was. I actually had to look it up. I ALWAYS know when it is just because in this process you kinda have to. Then I was looking in to my MBA and had to see when my due date would be if i was pg. I ALWAYS know this too. Just becuase it's fun to know :). It's been nice to not keep up so much, but of course now that I'm in the wait I'll probably get a little more anxious the closer it gets. The time is going to fly by though. If no such luck, it's on to Clomid (for real this time).

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Feeling stuck

My entire life I've felt like I'm in control of my career and future.  For those of you who don't know I work for the oil and gas industry and it's not doing so hot right now.  I came in to this position thinking that I would have endless possibilities and it just hasn't quite turned out that way.  I've been feeling so lost lately about where to go with my life.  I've always wanted to start my own business, it's just a matter of what?   And of course right now just isn't the best time.  I think I've decided to go and get my Masters Degree.  It's one thing I can control right now while everything in my life is at a stand still.  But once again the topic of TTC comes up.  I'm so  scared to start it now because if I do become pregnant soon I'll only be able to finish a few classes before I have to quit to have the baby.  I think I'm going to just dive in and go for it though because who knows I might be writing here in 2 years saying I've finished my degree and still no baby.  I definitely think my husband and I have the drive to start our own business someday though and we have an idea of what it will be, but that's a long process.  I'm really trying lately to just take one day at time.  That's bound to lead me somewhere :)
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3