Christmas 2013

We started off this Christmas a little on a scary note.  We had taken the twins to daycare on Christmas Eve day because we had family coming over that night and we needed to get the house cleaned.  We got a call around 10 am and it was the daycare telling us that we needed to come up because Beckham was going to need stitches.  I could tell in his voice that he was a little uneasy.  I was not prepared at all for what I saw when I got there.  He was in the rocking chair with Mrs. Linda and was actually being very calm.  I told her I didn't really want to see but I knew I needed to.  His forehead was split wide open.  I mean we're talking deep flesh hanging out.  I managed to stay calm because I knew I needed to be for him.  I sat in the back with him on the way to the hospital and we just sang Rudolph to keep him awake.  It's amazing how resilient kids are.  He was scared every time a Dr came in but in between that he was playing and laughing with his brother.  I'm pretty sure I would have asked to be knocked out.  He wound up getting 7 stitches and some glue.  He is going to have a pretty nice scar for the rest of his life.  I'm sure this was the first of many!

The rest of Christmas was wonderful!  This year the boys have been so into it.  They learned Rudolph and Santa Clause is Coming to Town in about an hour and sang it nonstop for a month.  Brody passed out all the presents and thought he was doing something so big.  I love the little boys they are turning out to be.  It is so much fun to get your joy from watching everything through a kids eyes.  I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  My next post will be about my baby boy who turns 1 in 9 days!!!! I'll leave you with some pictures.

One Last Month

My baby is 11 months old today.  I have to say, I'm having a very hard time with this.  Aside from just the general sadness of a child getting older, I can't really explain it.  This little boy who wasn't technically planned and gave me and his daddy a mini panic attack has stole my heart.  COMPLETELY!  I"m not ready for him to turn one.  I'm not ready for no more babies in our house. So I am currently taking donations for a fourth baby fund ;) The Taylor Swift song, "Don't you ever grow up, won't you stay this little" has continued to play in my head for about a week now.  I have been very saddened by the fact that my baby boy is 11 months old today and only has one month left for me to call him a baby.  One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to forget these years.  I know there are a lot of people who don't care much for the baby phase.  Yes, it's been a little harder with Bray than it was with the twins, but I still love it. I love the innocence.  I love the newness. I love the milestones.  I love how much they want me and I know one day that will be gone.  I want my baby to stay a baby forever!

Bray is a total momma's boy.  He has slept with me almost every single night since the day he was born.  He now wraps his sweet little arms completely around my neck and he.holds.me! He is also very giving of his kisses.  He will kiss me about 20 times in a row.  I'm telling you.  This kid LOVES his momma.  I love him.  I love him with my inner most being.  He is becoming quite the character and he has such a big personality.   He will growl at you at the most random times.  He also loves to fight his brothers back when they try and take something from him.  Him and Brody wrestle and while he thinks it is hilarious, I'm pretty sure Brody is going to cut off his oxygen supply.  Even though he is a momma's boy he constantly hollers for his dada.  Guess he's just making sure he is still around while he clings on to his mommy.  He is only a size behind his big brothers.  He fits most 18 month clothes.  He is wearing a size 4 shoe.  He took his first few steps last week while he was sick and letting me know what it would feel like to be a stay at home mom to one baby!  (AMAZING).  He will be full out walking within two weeks I'm sure.  He has been eating big boy food for about a month now and can devour an entire kids meal by himself.  He for sure out eats his twin brothers. 

Bray Isaiah Baker, I remember the day I found out you would be coming in to this world like it was yesterday.  I was so scared and shocked that it had happened.  Looking at your amazing smile everyday, I wish I could have a million more of those surprises.  You are a huge blessing in our lives and I wouldn't take one second away.  You were determined to be here in every way from the conception to chosing your birthday.  I know you are going to continue to push your way through life the way you want it done.  I'm going to cherish this last month with you as a baby.  I know I will miss this year, but I know that we have many wonderful years to go.  I love you Bray Bray!

Blessed Beyond Belief

It's been 3 years and 5 days since the day we found out that we were blessed with not only one but two tiny little miracles.  As we sat at the dinner table last night I looked around as all three boys were just cracking up with each other. THREE...I thought to myself, when did this happen?  It seems like yesterday we were going through some of the toughest times in our lives trying to conceive just one baby.  One is what we prayed for.  Three is what we got.  GOD IS GOOD!

I have things I want to write all the time. I just never can find the energy to do it. I've noticed that has kind of been the trend in the blogs I follow.  Noone updates anymore. I get it because I'm obviously one of those, but I miss hearing other's struggles and joys.

Life is going good in our household.  Things are still VERY busy.  We just purchased a new house and will be moving in this weekend.  We had to change to give these three boys room to run.  I'm hoping it is a house that will hold lots of memories for each of them.  I'm currently in full planning mode for Bray's 1st Birthday which is in about 6 weeks.  (I may or may not have had a tear just stream down my face).  It's amazing how different your second child is, or third in my case.  His babyhood has just flown by.  I can't believe I'm about to have no babies in my house and none on the way.  It seems like such a strange feeling.  It's honestly a sad feeling.  It does get easier the older they all get but it also makes my heart yearn for those first months with each of them.  I guess I'll just have to  reminisce with pictures for now.  Brody and Beckham are talking like they are teenagers.  Really only Robert and I can probably understand about half the things they say but it sure is cute.  The things that come out of their mouth sometimes just makes my jaw drop.  Like where in the world did you learn that?  The other day we were looking at shapes and Brody was telling me what each one was.  We went through circle, square, triangle. Then we got to the what I would call nonstandard shape.  He held it up and said "Mommy, octagon".  I was speechless. Seriously, I probably wouldn't have even remembered what that was called ha.  This is also the kid who now calls me Mom instead of Mommy which really tugs at my heart strings. That's a battle I am losing. Then Beckham the other day was walking away from me when I needed him.  So I said Beckham, come here, to which he replied "just a minute Mommy".   Who are these kids and when did they grow up? 

I"m not going to lie.  I still go to bed most nights so exhausted and frustrated from fighting with three little ones.  Parenting is harder than I ever imagined it to be. They have pulled out more of my bad side than I would like to admit, but they have also pulled out this love I never knew could exist.  So yes I'm still hanging in there with three little ones and yes I stil feel extremely blessed.  I wouldn't have it any other way!

My Purpose

I signed up to do this eight week "Full Plate Diet" thing at work.  Basically we meet weekly and go through the material that is provided.  To be honest it has been a bit silly and I can't grasp the concept of filling up your plate with good foods.  I'd prefer burgers and fries, but that is not the point of this post.  We usually do a few exercises where they ask us to write something down and then we discuss with our group.  This particluar one they had asked us to write down our purpose.  I very easily filled mine out thinking this was a simple task.  I soon realized as we got back together to discuss that this wasn't that easy for most.  From what I could tell I was the only one who came up with something.  Let me share mine:

My purpose is to raise my children to become well rounded, respectable, christ centered individuals who know they are loved.

If I think back to my days before kids I can bet that I was right there with these other girls.  Not knowing what I'm meant for in this life.  My children have given me my purpose and they have driven my relationship with God alot closer.  I now can't even imagine going back to that previous life. I have all I could ever want and more!

New Pics

I debated for a while whether or not to get the boys two year pictures taken because lets be honest,  this age isn't the easiest.  I imagined that there would be lots of screaming and not enough hands and really just the worst.  The more I thought about it though I knew I would regret not having these every year.  Not to mention Bray needed 6 month pictures. So I decided to go for it.  I'm so glad we did because they turned out great!  Beckham and Bray cooperated pretty good that day, but Brody was...well Brody :) It made it even better though.  We always use Nicole Hager and she is AMAZING! I know our family will stay with her for years so I hope she continues to use her talent for a long long time.  Here is how they turned out.  Enjoy!


http://video214.com/play/9SErD3FLPT21wvQDI6V04Q/s/dark

The Want to Protect

It has been 26 months since I became a mom.  You would think I would have experienced a majority of the emotions that come along with that title.  My boys have experienced the pain of smashed fingers and bruised knees.  They've been sick to the point that they just want to lay on me all day.  Brody has been hopsitalized twice with IV's sticking out of him. Beckham has been through x-rays, cat scans, and ultrasounds.  My heart has felt heavy with each of these.  As a mother you hurt with your kids and for your kids.  Last night I experienced something that I really hadn't even thought about before. 

We had just put the boys down for bed.  Robert was rocking Bray and I was doing laundry in the laundry room.  Brody came out of his room with his usual "I need a inasore" (dinasour).  I was hollering at him to go get back in bed and as he was coming into the kitchen something scared him.  I don't mean just made him jump a little, I mean full out pee your pants type of scared. He screamed and ran.  He was in complete panic and ran the other direction.  I have never seen him so scared.  I ran in there while Robert was trying to get him to come to him.  I picked him up and held him.  He was shaking and crying.  I calmed him down and told him to show me what he was scared of.  He very carefully took me into the kitchen and just pointed.  I really have no idea what scared him or what he saw but I just told him it was ok and held him.  Tears began streaming down my face at this point because I think reality set in that my little innocent babies that have yet to see the world are growing up.  They are entering an age where this corrupted world is going to show its face. They are begining to know what fear is.  I have this extreme want and need to protect them.  To shield them from everything bad out there.  I hate knowing that they will experience deep hurt from another human being.  They will experience failure and jealousy and resentment.  These things are all human nature.  It is inevitable and I as their mother cannot protect them from these things.  I cannot protect them from their feelings whether they are scared, hurt or angry. 

This mother thing comes with so many more things than I had anticipated.  I'm sure there are many more realizations to come.

Coming to an End

Bray is now a little over seven months old and I have made the decision that I am ready to stop breastfeeding.  I am ready physically and trying to be ready emotionally.  I had no idea how attached I was to nursing him.  I didn't realize how much satisfaction I got from it.  I didn't realize the bond it has created between me and him.  I remember having a  hard time making the decision to stop with the boys at 11 wks, but there were different factors involved.  I wasn't even making enough milk for half a bottle with either of them.  I wasn't really nursing.  Brody would latch on occasionally but that was it.  I was going back to work and it just didn't seem worth the time it was taking for the amount that I was making.  Bray has been different.  We had some issues in the beginning. He would latch great but wouldn't stay awake long enough to finish a feeding no matter how hard I tried to get him to.  Then the kid just loved to eat so even though I was producing a decent amount I still had to supplement with formula a couple of times.  Things have worked themselves out though and for the most part he has been strictly breastfed.  We nurse twice a day.  Once in the morning and once at night.  Ok that is a lie. This kid actually stays attached to me most of the night. He used to anyway.  We are slowly breaking that with some success.  I have several reasons for being ready to be done.  Some are selfish which puts a huge amount of guilt on me.  I've been holding on to my last 10-15 lbs and I haven't been able to get rid of it due to not really being able to diet and I'm honestly just starving at all times.  That is probably my most selfish reason, but it has led to a lot of issues for me.  I don't feel good about myself.  And speaking of guilt I for some reason get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime I have to make him a formula bottle now. I have no idea what this is about because the twins were formula fed for most of their first year and they are perfectly healthy two year olds. I also feel like there is judgement from others around me.  I honestly am at a loss for where these feelings are coming from. Some others reason are due to work and how busy I am. Taking out an hour of my day to pump really hurts my time at work.  Then there is the extreme exhaustion I have from three kids who for some reason don't know how to sleep.  So all I want to do at night is go to bed.  NOT PUMP!  And then in the mornings we are already always running late so taking the extra 15 minutes to pump makes things even worse.  I'm just ready to be done and my goal was six months which I have exceeded. I have gotten down to only two times a day.  Morning and night which are the times I nurse and then still have to pump after.  The problem is that I am ready mentally just not emotionally.  I can't seem to get myself to give up those two times.  Nursing comforts my baby when nothing else will.  And I really do love that extra special time first thing in the morning when I get to cuddle him up next to me and let him nurse.  And then probably the biggest emotional connection to this is that he is probably my last baby.  Somehow knowing that whichever time I decide is my last is the last time I will ever nurse a baby.  I spent so many years longing for this.  Yearning for a baby who needs his momma.  How can it be that this is over already?  I do realize that I am making this choice and I probably should just suck it up, but just because it's my choice doesn't mean I'm not sad about it.  I just know it's time.  I'm gonna miss this!

The Killer B's

I guess it's time for an update on what my munchkins are up to these days.  The twins are now two (tear).  Bray is six months today.  It wouldn't be a complete post by me if I didn't say, where has the time gone?  We are staying busy that is for sure.  We spend most of our weekends outside in the kiddie pool.  These boys are just like their momma and love the sun! We have moved both boys to toddler beds and they are doing pretty good with them.  It takes a good hour for them to actually fall asleep at night because they have the freedom to roam around, but they eventually make it to bed.  Brody likes to crawl in bed with Beckham a lot. 

Beckham is weighing in at a whopping 25 lbs.  He is still my more reserved kid, but is starting to learn how to talk back.  It's wonderful. (sense my sarcasm?)  He could play by himself for hours but his bubba does not allow for that.  Brody picks on him so much.  He is learning to stand up for himself though and Brody does not like it at all.  I know we are supposed to be the parents and stop it, but it is actually quite funny to watch them go at it.  Trust me we do correct it at some point, but I think Beckham does need to know how to stand up for himself.  He is doing great with learning.  He can say so many things and for the most part we know what he is asking for these days.  I just can't believe how much his vocabulary has taken off in such a short amount of time. He is still an early riser and wakes up about 5 am.  I keep thinking this is going to change one day, but we are two years in and NOPE!  He has got the cutest personality and we truly think he is going to be the class clown.  He's so funny and has the greatest facial expressions. 

Brody is also weighing in at a whopping 25lbs. This kid is just plain onery.  My parents are constantly telling me he is just paying me back.  He has an amazing outgoing personality though.  He is very hard headed just like his momma and EVERYTHING is "me do it".  He runs everywhere he goes and he constantly has to be busy.  He is definitely our more challenging child.  He loves to place food everywhere but his plate and I'm starting to wonder if he is going to eat like this for the rest of his life. This kid could be outside all day every day if you would let him.  He has really started talking too.  I still get amazed that my kids can communicate now.  He is also still waking up at 5 am.  Somethings gotta give right?  This kid is going to be a handful for a  long time, but I wouldn't trade him for the world!

Bray.  Oh my spoiled little baby Bray Bray.  This baby has by far been the hardest one.  He has us wrapped around his finger and pretty much gets what he wants.  He just started sleeping through the night about a week ago.  Prior to that there are several nights where he slept attached to me.  If he wasn't attached to me he was screaming!  He doesn't take bitey's well and if you try to place it in his mouth when all he wants is momma you get a child that acts like you are torturing him.  Things have FINALLY settled down in that aspect though and we are headed in the right direction (please don't jinx me because I said this out loud).  He is still a little piglet and eats 6 oz every 2-3 hrs along with cereal once a day. We started solids last night and he had greens beans and loved them.  I don't think this kid is going to be too picky.  He loves to be held and pretty much won't let you put him down.  I've been told at daycare that he doesn't even use his crib.  While all of this sounds a little annoying I really am quite ok with it.  After all is is 99% for sure going to be my last baby.  I have to cherish it.  You also have to remember that I never had just one baby to love away on.  So if he needs to sleep attached to me a couple more nights...bring it on.  This won't last forever.  He is still going strong nursing and I still haven't decided how much longer I'm going to keep it up.  Six months was my goal and now that I've hit that I really don't have thoughts of stopping right now. I guess part of me knows that once I stop then that's a big piece of my last baby gone.  I'll never get to do this again.  Ok moving on because I hate even thinking about that.  Bray is wonderful and has a huge personality already.  I'm pretty sure he is going to be just like Brody so we're definitely in for some crazier times ahead.  He has started saying dada, mama, buba, and papa just this past week.  I love this little chunky monkey so much. We were joking the other day about how determined of a little man he is.  He decided he was going to be conceived into this world and he decided the day he was going to make his presence.  He is amazing!

I've often questioned how we would make it through these times.  I never imagined it to be this hard, but I also never imagined it to be this rewarding.  This life and these kids are right where we were all meant to be.

A Piece of My Life

It was a sad day for us yesterday.  It was announced that the Moore Medical Center where I had all three of my children will be demolished.  It was declared unsalvageable. I am a very sentimental person and this news breaks my heart.  We drove by this hospital almost everyday on the way home from picking the kids up from daycare.  It is where I have announced to them a million times that that is the first place we saw their beautiful faces.  We would drive by and tell them that that is where they would be meeting their new little brother for the first time.  My Dr's office is in that building.  It is where I have spent a better part of the last three years, getting ultrasounds, weight checks and hearing my amazing miracle's heart beats.  There are so many memories tucked away in that place.  My heart is still so heavy from what has gone in our hometown.  Please continue to pray for the people of Oklahoma. 

My Worst Fears

May 20th, 2013 will be a day that I will not be able to ever forget.  I came face to face with the reality of losing my children.

I knew that we were supposed to get bad storms that day and we were told to be aware of the possiblity of tornados.  It was right around 1:30 when they started to pop up.  I immediately started worrying about not being with the kids.  I called my sister to talk to her about where they were and what was going on.  She was on her way to get her kids out of school because things were going downhill fast.  I had to run in to a meeting at 2:00 so I told her to be careful and keep me updated.  In the meantime I knew my mother in law was home and I asked her to keep me updated as well.  Throughout the meeting I was getting texts about the location of the storm.  Towards the end of the meeting I got the news that the tornado was forming. This was the exact place our May 3rd tornado had formed.  I knew if this touched down it wasn't going to be good news.  We got out of the meeting at 3:00 and I had just enough time to put my stuff down when the sirens went off.  We all got moved to the stairwell.  I will never forget the feelings that were inside of me.  The tornado had touched down and it was headed straight for my boys daycare.  I had to sit there and just listen to those around me that were watching the coverage on their phones.  They were keeping me up to date on where the tornado was.  All I could do was pray. I have honestly never prayed that hard in my life.  "Lord, please keep my children safe, please don't let my children die, please Lord, please!"  It's all I could say over and over.  Tears just kept rolling down my face as I was thinking about what was going to happen. 

We were very fortunate that the tornado hit a few blocks south of their daycare.  We didn't go back to our desks that day, we just left work.  We couldn't get to our children fast enough.  I cried the whole way there.  I squeezed those little guys so tight and thanked God for keeping them safe.  I gave a few extra kisses that night before bed and honestly I wanted to just lay next to them.  I didn't want to leave their side.

I'm having a hard time processing the aftermath. The what ifs have haunted me for the past couple of days and I just can't stop thinking about if that tornado hadn't turned and went straight towards the daycare. I don't believe they would have survived. We rushed dropping them off that morning because we were running late. What if that had been the last moment we had with them?

There are so many that lost loved ones and children. I keep hearing more and more stories and I know that we are so fortunate to be holding our children today. For that I am forever grateful to my God.

What Will I Regret More?

This seems to be the hot topic in the blog world so I thought why not chime in with how I've been feeling lately.  The topic I am referring to is being a working mom vs. a stay at home mom.  I was hit with this thought after I had the twins and it took a toll on me.  I felt enormous amounts of guilt for being at work and missed my boys extremely.  For whatever reason this same thought has hit me ten times harder with this baby.  The thoughts of if I'm making the right decision haunt me every second of every day.  I was reading comments left on another bloggers post regarding this topic and one person asked the question.  "In X amount of years what will you regret more? Missing out on a career or not being home with your kids?"  The answer for me is 100% not being home with my kids. You see I've always really wanted to have a rewarding career.  Where I make good money and can provide for my family.  I've never been content on the position I am in and have always wanted to learn more and move further up the ladder.  Something changed though after Bray was born.   I don't see my job as sitting at a desk anymore. My job is being a mother.  I can't sit through meetings anymore without thinking about my babies.  I can't focus on anything because really all I think about is, I can't wait to get home and kiss those precious faces.  We see the boys for about 30 minutes in the morning and an hour at night.  That is such a small amount of time to indulge ourselves in our kids.  There are constant reminders of how much we are missing out on.  I laid Bray on his tummy the other day and he was just lifting straight up.  The thought runs over me wondering how long has he been able to do that and how in the world as his mother do I not know what he is capable of?  It rips my heart out.  We are missing out on so much of their childhood because we are busy working. Is that really more important than being with them?  The reality to that answer is we don't have much of a choice.  Why is that though? Why are things so over the top expensive these days that it is almost impossible for a mother or father to raise their children?  Why aren't there more opportunities for good part time jobs.  I would ideally love to take my kids to mothers day out three days a week and work during those hours.  It seems like it would be the perfect balance.  There are so many sides to this topic and from what I've gathered you are never content with your decision whichever it may be.  There is always guilt on one side or the other.  All I know is I miss my babies and I am painfully aware that I'm going to wake up one day and wish I would have spent more time with them when they were this little.  That sucks!

Pure Love

As I sit here and think about what all I want to say in this post my eyes are filling up with tears.  My heart is swelling and I have a huge smile on my face.  If someone would have told me four years ago that today I would be sitting here with three amazing little boys and that my tears of heartache would be replaced with tears of joy I would have never believed them.  As I struggled through infertility I never knew if I would see the day that I would become a mother.  That there would be a day I would hear little voices softly say mommy and little arms would wrap around me as if they were telling me how much they loved me.   I never thought that I would be staring in the eyes of my third miracle and be seeing a huge smile coming back at me.  I longed for these days.  I dreamed about these days.  I spent so many nights crying because "these" days were not a reality.  But they are here. I'm living in them. I get to do the single most important job in the world.  Be a mom!  I still get so amazed at how much I can love a single person.  Every decision I make involves them.  They are my first thought and my last thought of every day.  My world now revolves around them.  These tiny little beings have consumed me.  Even though most days are now pure chaos I still wouldn't trade one single moment.  I will never be able to forget those days of longing for what is sitting in front of me now.  They are my true life miracles.  They are my purpose!

Life With Three

I know a lot of you have been waiting for this post for a while now.  I've wanted to write it but I've been trying to figure out the best way to portray my new life as a mom to three babies under two without sounding like I'm ungrateful or have regrets.  So I will just start off by saying that I still feel extremely blessed by the life I have been given and even though it may be extremely hard I would not trade it for anything.

Since the day we welcomed Bray in to this world life has not been the same.  Our lives have been turned upside down even more so than with the twins.  Don't get me wrong.  Things changed when the twins were born, but things still seemed to go at a slower pace.  We were able to accomplish simple tasks such as laundry and eating dinner.  These days we are lucky if we get a meal or even just get to sit down by 8pm.  There are constantly bottles, dishes and pumping supplies to wash, laundry to be done (almost daily), dinner to be made (for the boys only), Bray wants to nurse during that dinner time, three baths to be taken, pumping and bags, lunches, etc to be packed for the next day.  So needless to say we barely have time to breathe.

Let's just walk through a typical day in our household.  We'll start with wake up time. 
4:20 am - alarm goes off.  Roll over hit snooze because I can't open my eyes.
4:30 am - alarm goes off again.  Bray is usually stirring by this point so I unwillingly say fine and get up.  I go warm a bottle while Robert gets up and starts getting ready.  Feed Bray. Lay him back down. Sometimes he goes back to sleep and sometimes he just lays there and talks.
4:50 am - Get in shower.  Beckham has usually woken up by this point and is crying for his momma, dadda and bubba.  We let him cry. (I know we're horrible)
5:00 amish - Pump.  Beckham has fallen back asleep by this time.
5:20 amish - Wash bottles and pump supplies and gather everthing up for the day. (pumping bag and Bray's bottles for daycare)
5:30 am - I can usually start finally getting myself ready for the day.  Robert is finished by this point so he packs our lunch bags for the day and then starts getting the twins up and ready.
5:50 am - Get Bray changed and dressed and help Robert if he hasn't finished getting the twins dressed and brush their teeth and hair.
6:00 amish - Pack up our herd in my awesome hot mini van and head to daycare.
7:00-5:00 - Get relaxtion at work, but think nonstop (and cry sometimes) about the kids.
6:00pm - Get home, strip their clothes, put the boys in their chairs at the table and turn Lion King on to occupy them long enough to pop dinner in the microwave. (Yes, again we are horrible) Bray is usually asleep in his car seat and we leave him be for the moment.
6:15 pm - Dinner is served. Bray has woken up and is crying at this point because he is hungry even though he just ate an hour ago. (He still cluster feeds at night)
6:30 pm - Bray is attached to my boob.  Brody has usually dumped his entire plate on the table and is making swirls of whatever sauce or fruit juice he had.  Robert is gathering up laundry or getting bath and night stuff ready. 
6:40 pm - Bray is still attached.  (Some nights I just have to unattach him long enough to give the twins baths) Robert cleans off plates and hands and we head to the bath tub.  Twins play for 5 minutes and then it's time to get down to business. They cry as we take them out because they love bath time.  Get boys dressed and ready for bed.  Bray is screaming at this time because how dare you not feed him. 
7:00 pm - Get Bray bathed and ready for bed. Reattach Bray.  Twins grab a book to take to bed.  They give me and Bray a kiss and Robert puts them down.  They have no problem going to sleep and are out within 5 minutes usually. 
7:30 pm - Bray has usually fallen asleep by this point so I put him in his rock n play in our room. 
7:45 pm - Finally grab us something to eat. 
8:00 pm - Start washing bottles and pumping supplies from the day. Robert is cleaing off the table. Bray is crying.  How dare you put him down. Robert goes in and rocks him back to sleep. 
8:15 pm - Pump.
8:30 pm - Ah sleep. 
12-3am - Bray will usually wake up somewhere between this point.  I get up to get a bottle warmed while Robert changes him.  Robert feeds Bray while I pump.  Back to sleep.
4:20 am - Alarm goes off and so starts our day once again.

Our life is anything but relaxing at the moment.  Here is where I'm going to tell you how I really feel most days and here is where my guilt begins.  I sometimes dread nights.  I love picking up all the boys and hearing Brody run to me yelling mommy and then giving them all the biggest hugs and kisses because I've missed them so much, but at the same time I know we are about to go home and have a million things to do.  I know that I am going to be so exhausted from lack of sleep and being at work all day and all I really want to do is lay on a couch and go to sleep.  But that is something that literally can't happen at our house.  All the things we "have" to do are things that we literally have to do.  There is nothing we can cut out and leave for the weekend.  I find myself most nights almost in tears just from pure exhaustion.  Both emotional and physical.  I'm sad because there is no quality time with what is most likely our last baby.  Then I'm sad because there is no play time with the twins.  I find myself wanting them to be just a little older so they are more independent.  Then I find myself crying because they are growing too fast.  My mind is in a constant battle with itself.  I get upset at the fact that we will never know what it is like to just have one baby.  We got on the fast track baby plan and that ship is just sailing right along without stopping to enjoy the view.  I love all three of my boys more than anything in this world and know that things happen when they are supposed to, but when do I get to enjoy them?  When do I get to just take a moment, be mommy, and play.  And I'm not talking just play in general.  I'm talking play with each one individually.  I feel guilty that they don't have that. I took Brody with me to Target the other day and it was one of the most fun times I've had with him.  That sounds crazy but it was so different with just one kid.  I know Summer is coming up and there will be more opportunities to do things with them, but then it's the issue of what to do with Bray.  We have two toddlers that are still very dependent on us and have to be watched, so that leaves us one adult shy of a kid (Bray).  I'm sure we will figure all this out eventually.  It's still very new but on the same note each new phase of Bray's life will require more attention.  Right now I feel is when it is going to be the easiest for the next couple of years.  The bottom line is, for those that wanted to know what life was like, life is hard.  It's exhausting. Somedays I truly do not know how I'm going to make it through another day. Somehow we just do. 

Being a Mom

I found this on someone else's blog and had to post it.  This is a perfect depiction of how I feel as a mother.  Altough my babies are still young I still think about the future and how I am going to protect them and teach them the things of this world.  The love I feel as a mother is something I will never be able to fully describe.  It's something you just have to experience for yourself to know.  I love those kids so much it hurts and would do anything to protect them.
  

We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." "We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"




"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.



"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."



But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes.



I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.



I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her.



That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.



I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moments hesitation.



I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.



I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.



However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.



Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself.



That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.



I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor.



My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks.



I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child.



I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.



I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.



I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike.



I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time.



I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.



My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.



- Author Unknown

Two Months

You are two months old already my little Bray Bray.  You have started smiling so big first thing every morning and there couldn't be anything better to wake up to at 4 am. You love to coo at us when we talk to you.  I think you are telling us how much you love us. You sure are a strong little man and rolled over from your tummy to back for the first time at a little under 5 wks old.  I thought it might have been a fluke, but you have done it several times since then.  This leads me to believe you are going to be very advanced like your brothers.  Yes, I think all you boys are very advanced and smart and you get it from your mommy :).  You are getting some pretty cute little rolls these days.  This is something new for mommy and daddy as your brothers were so much smaller than you are.  You are wearing 0-3 month clothes, size 1 diapers, but about to go up to 2.  Here are your stats from your two month appointment:

Weight: 13 lbs (70th %)
Length: 23 in (50th %)
Head: 15 1/2 (60th %)

We love you so much and so do your big brothers.  You were meant to be in this family and we are so thankful for you our little munchkin.  Love you to pieces.

(sorry for the sideway pics)

20 Months

Our boys are well on there way to two.  How is this possible?  I thought the first year flew, but this second year has gone even faster.  Maybe it's because I spent it pregnant.  Who knows.  All I know is my babies are growing up right before my eyes.  They can talk to us know and tell us pretty much what they want.  Which still blows my mind.  They are in love with Elmo right now and are obsesses with animals.  They can make all the animal sounds and it's the cutest thing in the world.  Brody is still so lovable and ornery.  Beckham is still pretty laid back, but he is learning to throw fits and fight back with his brother.  They are both working on getting their last four teeth (yes all at one time) and then all they have left are the last four molars.  Steak here we come. They both weigh 24 lbs right now which I think is still pretty small for their age.  They are in 2T shirts and 18-24 pants.  They wear size 5 shoes.  We broke bities (pacis) a couple of weekends ago and it actually went fairly easy much to our surprise and they are a lot less cranky. We will be starting potty training soon as Brody can now tell us when he is shooey. This will be fun. I fall more and more in love with these two every day.  And to make things even better they absolutely love their brother! Brody pretty much makes out with him daily.  Beckham will say hi a million times and kiss his head.  My heart is so full and I am beyond blessed. Happy 20 months babies.  p.s.  Please slow down for mommy.

Our First Haircut

Happy Valentine's Day

COME ON/Sadness/Perspective

So I realize my title doesn't make much sense, but I have a lot I wanted to write about and didn't want to break it out in three posts or it wouldn't never get done.  So this could be long. Here it goes.

COME ON
If you've been following my blog for a while you may remember me struggling to breastfeed the twins.  Beckham had a hard time latching and I just wasn't producing enough for two babies.  It took a weeks worth of crying to decide to stop at 11 weeks.  I felt so guilty about it and was so sad that I couldn't successfully provide them with my milk.  Well flash forward to my second chance at breastfeeding.  Bray latched on right away.  I was so excited and happy that I was going to have an easier time because surely I was going to produce enough for one baby.  Well in the first two weeks I was feeding every hour.  He would fall asleep every time and I could not wake him up for the life of me so therefore he wasn't getting a full feeding.  It was too hard for me to feed him every hour so I decided to start pumping and see if that would help.  I was getting 4 oz about every 2-3 hours.  At this point he was eating 3 oz already.  I was able to freeze one bag.  I was so excited because I never had enough with the boys to freeze any.  This seemed like such a huge accomplishment.  Well it wasn't long until I had to use that bag.  This kid wants to eat every 1-2 hours still.  He is now up to 4 oz and sometimes that is not enough.  I'm still getting anywhere from 4-6 oz a pumping session.  So for the most part I am making just enough.  There have been 3 occasions where we had to give him formula  because there wasn't any of my milk left to give.  Talk about feeling defeated.  Here I am finally producing a good amount of milk and I have a kid who wants to be a linebacker. I will be going back to work soon so I know I'm going to have to give him some more formula bottles just so I have a supply for him for his first day of daycare.  I still try and breastfeed at least once a day because I really enjoy that bonding time.  I know I should be happy that for the most part he is getting straight breastmilk, but I can't help and already think about when he ups his feedings more.  Why do I put so much pressure on myself? 

Sadness
When I was pregnant I was about 99% positive that this was the last one for us.  Everyone had always told me that you would know when you are done. I felt that way while I was throwing up every day and towards the end when it just got miserable.  Everyone kept asking if we were going to try for a girl and my answer was always a no, we are done, but the moment he arrived something changed.  I have been extremely sad that my pregnancy is over. I'm sad that this is the last newborn we will ever have.  Every day that I see him getting bigger just makes me more sad because it means another phase is over that we'll never experience again.  I don't feel done anymore.  There is just something so magical and miraculous about the moment a baby is born.  The love that you feel in that instant and the days that follow.  I don't know if it is because the way the birth happened and just went so fast and was unexpected that day, but I feel like I didn't get to really spend those last days with Bray in my belly cherishing how amazing pregnancy really is.  I am truly sad that I will more than likely never experience this again.  I'm hoping this goes away with time.  I'm excited for the future and raising our three boys.  And who knows, maybe in 3 years we'll do it again ;)  Don't worry though. For now I will be getting on birth control right away.

Perspective
It's amazing how the way you look at things changes when you have a little perspective of how it goes.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was finding out I was pregnant with the twins.  Now they are getting close to being two and I have no idea where the time went.  This makes me take Bray in that much more.  In the blink of an eye he will be closing in on his 2nd birthday too.  I love every age and watching each of them grow.  There is nothing like being a parent and witnessing your children becoming individuals and finding their personalities.  I don't like how fast the time is flying, but I'm glad I realize how precious each day with them is. Before I know it I will be an empty nester so for now I want to take in every moment of every day and continue to make a million memories to last a lifetime. 

The Handsome Bray

Since I can't upload pictures for some reason here is our sneak peek of his newborn pictures. They were done by Nicole Hager who we have been lucky enough to have capture our special memories. She is awesome!!! Enjoy. It's the one titled little brother.

http://nicolehager.com/blog

Introducing Bray Isaiah

We welcome our 3rd miracle on January 5th @ 7:49 pm. He was a chunk at 8 lbs 5 oz and 20 1/2 in long. He's beautiful and is seriously a perfect mix between his brothers.

(It's not letting me post pictures for some reason so I will come back later and let y'all see his handsome face)

Birth story

I was scheduled for my repeat c-section on the morning of January 7th. Friday, January 4th was my last day of work. I decided to take off at noon that day just to be able to go home and relax kid free. That night I started having some regular contractions but didn't think much of it because they weren't that painful and they weren't consistent. I went to bed that night only to wake up to more contractions and just all out feeling very uncomfortable. I believe I was soaking in a bath at 2:00 am. We woke up the next morning and went and ate breakfast with my parents. I had starting losing parts of my mucous plug at this point. I continued to have contractions throughout the day and they started to get a little more painful, but not too bad. Plus they still weren't completely consistent. I talked to my sister and she decided to come over. While she was there the intensity picked up and they got a little closer together. She was sure I was in labor. I was still not convinced because everything I've heard and read says every 3-5 minutes for an hour and you wouldn't be able to talk through the contractions. Well I didn't meet any of this criteria. However, I decided we better go because that was a lot of contractions in two days. We called my mom over to watch the boys. I was certain we were going to get sent home.  I remember on the way to the hospital I didn't have a contraction. It's only a 5 min drive though so looking back that wasn't a big deal. We go straight to labor and delivery where they hook me up to the monitors. I was having contractions and she decided to check me. I was only a fingertip dilated but I had started to efface. Right after she checked me the contractions picked up and got very painful. She decided to call the on call dr ( remember mine is on vacation) and see what he wanted to do. He recommended the shot to try snd stop the contractions to see if they were real or not and she was going to give me meds for the pain. I needed to get up and go to the bathroom and when I stood up there was brown in the bed. She confirmed it was meconium (sp?). I think at that point was when it was decided I was going to be delivering that night but it hasn't set in. As I got back in to bed I felt/heard this pop. Then the gush happened. My water broke. I told the nurse I thought that had happened and she looked and confirmed. I officially knew this was it. The crazy in me was getting to experience labor. Thank you lord, but I think I'm good now on the labor experience :). This was at 6:30 pm.  Next thing we knew people were coming in talking to us about the surgery. Whoa hold in a minute. Let us catch up. Is this happening soon?  The answer was yes. 7:30pm. It all went o fast. Our family was walking in as I was wheeling back. The spinal was great this time. No pain and very quick. Robert finally got to come in and the c-section was under way.  I had chilis chips and salsa at 3:30 pm so needless to say I now know why they tell you to not eat past midnight the night before. It's the weirdest feeling throwing up when you can't feel your belly. The anesthesiologist was so nice and cleaned me up.  The whole time the dr kept saying things that probably weren't the best to say to someone laying on the table cut open and trying to keep calm. First it was that I was a bleeder and he hadn't even gotten to my uterus. Then it was my uterus was way thin and it wasn't good. He advised us against having any more kids. Apparently due to hashing twins 18 months prior combined with Laboring for 24 hours wasn't all that great for my uterus. Anyway, not an appropriate time to be discussed. I kept having thoughts of having to be put to sleep because of the bleeding and missing the birth. Everything wound up being fine though and Bray came out crying. I didn't get to see him right away because of the meconium, but Robert went straight to him and brought pictures back for me to see. The first thing I noticed was his black hair. He was amazing. At first glance he looked just like Brody with dark hair.  We got back to the room and he latched on right away. Whoohoo!  My spinal wore off so quick this time but because of the uterus and bleeding issue i wasnt allowed to get up until morning. The recovery has been a little harder this time. The pain is a little more intense, but I'm thinking its due to still chasing after two 19 month olds. They came and visited at the hospital, but I don't think they associated it really. They just thought it was cool to run around in a cool room.  Since coming home they have really taken to him. Especially Beckham. He says hi to him first thing every morning and both boys will give random kisses. They both try to pick him up out of his swing. It's very cute but means we have to have very watchful eyes. Our family is now complete.  It's a huge blessing!

If you're wondering how were juggling three under two ill save that for another post.