This is Scary

I can remember dreading that yearly appointment with my lovely OB/GYN. It was horrible and not something I looked forward to. I would go sit in the waiting room all clamy because it was mortifying knowing you were about to go put your legs up in stirrups and let a complete stranger be in your business. Oh and it's even better when they have students in there. Well I had my vaginal ultrasound on Friday before I can start my Femara. While I was driving home it dawned on me that I don't even think twice anymore about that being uncomfortable. It's like it has become second nature to strip down and let a Dr be in my business. I don't get nervous or uncomfortable anymore. I find this very troubling and had to share. LOL.

MIA

I know I have been missing lately, but I have a good reason for it. Our house got struck by lightning and it blew out all of our electronics. So needless to say I have been without a computer for a month while we have been trying to deal with the insurance company. I am up and running now though. I feel like there is so much I need to catch up on. Where to start. Ok we decided to pull the for sale sign out of our front yard. Money just seems to be getting tighter and tighter and we want to be able to still enjoy things in life. There was no necessary reason for us moving, so we will be staying a little longer. And maybe in a couple years a certain you know who will not be running our country and we will actually get the money we work hard for.



We also made a huge decision today. We have decided to do IVF. I don't want to get in to too many details of why we decided this because for now I feel like that's between me and my husband, but let's just say the heartache of hearing all the "oops" has finally taken its toll on both of us. We will be doing two more IUI's first, but if those don't work then we will be starting the IVF process in September. I'm extremely scared to think about us doing this. I don't know if my biggest fear is the $15,000 it will cost, the daily self injections, or the heartache of the possiblity of someone telling me it didn't work. We only have one try at this. Our insurance will only cover one. I never thought I would see the end of the "treatment" road. What happens after this? Do we just keep trying for 5 more years? The emotional roller coaster I have been on for 3 years now has been bad, but I can't even begin to fathom all the emotions that I will feel with this.



I wanted to explain the process a little just in case there are those who read my blog that don't know. I will talk to my Dr more about everything on Friday, but this is what I understand so far.

I will take birth control pills for three weeks. Then for the next two weeks I will give myself a daily injection of lupron. I then go in for an ultrasound to make sure my eggs are ready for fertility injections . Then in the 6th week I will take several injections per day to stimulate my eggs. During that 6th week I go to the dr several times for ultrasounds and blood work. During the 7th week I will go in to have the egg retrieval. I have to be sedated for this. I will then wait 3-5 days until my eggs are ready and they will be inserted back in me. I then I have to basically be on bed rest for 2 days. Now if this doesn't sound like a romantic way to conceive a child......



I'm literally in tears thinking that this is how we have to have a child. I have asked God why so many times. I am praying so hard that it happens before this. But if it doesn't and we have to do this at least I know without a doubt that no one can question on us on how bad we want a child.

Faith Tested

Most people won't touch this topic, but I'm going to. FAITH! Over my life time I've been taught to have faith. It's what I've read in the Bible and learned in church. It's all been simple until it's been tested. One or two times it was easy. It was like ok God, I can do this. Throw it at me. Then there comes a point though when that 15th time (and I'm not exaggerating) becomes too much. It all goes out the door. How can you be the one who has the most faith out of anyone you know and still get handed the most painful punishment? Where does your commitment to faith or lack there of come in? How does our God work that way? Does he say ok I'm going to make you struggle and test your faith, the one who has been faithful to me.While the couple down the road who has never stuggle to have a child and never had faith in God can ask for forgivness on their death bed and go to Heaven? I don't get it anymore. And honestly I'm not sure if I have faith anymore. I know this is going to kill my parents if they read it, but honestly how can I? I have watched so many people around me get what they want (and in some cases not what they want). We're still here. Ground zero. Still with the thought that even if we do get pg again, will it be a cruel joke? Like haha tricked you again? Suffer some more pain because you haven't suffered enough. I still believe in God and I will NEVER turn my back on that, but the faith I have is slowly fading away.

Lets Catch Up

Sorry, I've been really bad about blogging lately. I think I've ran out of emotions. First let me tell you how Mothers Day went for me. The best part of the day was when my wonderful husband brought me home flowers and a card (from the puppies). It was so sweet of him to think of doing that. As soon as I read the card my emotions just let lose. I BAWLED my eyes out. I had been bottling up all that I was feeling and I finally just let it go. He thought that he had done something wrong. hah men. They are so funny sometimes. He told me he was scared to bring them because he didn't know if it was the right thing to do. I hate that he even has to question that. I wish it was just simple and he could bring me flowers with joy because I am the mother of our child, but I'm technically not. Even though we know we have a child in heaven. That wasn't my only melt down. We went to his moms and celebrated and I was fine there, but then we went to my parents. When we were telling them bye I just busted out again. I cried hard that time. Like can't catch your breath hard. There is just so much pain involved with Infertility and Miscarriage that you can't understand unless you have been there. I know all these people around me feel so sad for me. I really try not to place that burden on my friends or parents, but sometimes I just need to get it out. By the way thank you Marie. I had another good cry with her too the same night. So enough about my emotional mess.

The other thing that happened big in our life recently is we decided to sell our house. We have found some land that we want to build our next home on. Hopefully it will sell soon and we will be "semi" country folk by next year. It makes me really sad to think about not living in this house. This is where we started our journey. There are so many memories here in just 3 short years. But once we move maybe it will be like a fresh start.

I'll try and keep up more. Maybe something exciting will happen soon :)

Can We just Skip This One

This week has been a really rough week in the fertility department. I have been in the last week of the wait to see if I'm pg, all the while knowing I'm not because of my temps. Today my temp took a nose dive which means my period is on the way. Perfect. Just in time for Mothers Day. And not just any Mothers Day. The Mothers Day I was suppose to have a 6 month old baby. I was suppose to be a first time mom this year. I was suppose to get recognized. Instead I will be fighting back tears every second on Sunday. I really would like to just skip this Mothers Day and sit at home and have a good cry. I've kept this pain pretty hidden over the past few months. I've thought I was fine. I had thought I found new hope with the surgery, but what I have found is that all to familiar pain. I feel very alone. Just in the past couple of weeks there have been more babies born and more pregnancy announcements. I'm so happy for these people, but I hate that it's a reminder to me just how long we have been trying. I need a vacation from life right now, but since we've racked up a $1200 bill that is what our money will be going to. This just doesn't seem fair sometimes. We work hard, we deserve to treat ourselves. Why is it that we have to pay for a child? Is it not enough that we have to suffer month after month. Shouldn't we be able to afford to take a break? I just want it all to go away.

Have You Missed Me

It's been a while since I have posted. Honestly it's because I really haven't been thinking about this infertility crap! I started a fitness bootcamp two weeks ago and I've really just been focused on getting back in shape and healthy again. I didn't temp at all the first part of the month. I kept setting my thermometer out and when I would wake up I was too lazy to stick it in my mouth. I finally picked it back up on cd 13 because I was having some mid cycle spotting and was worried it was from ovulation and I would miss it. But it wasn't, so I'm not sure what that was about. I'm on cd 16 right now and haven't ovulated yet, which is pretty late for me. I'm sure I will within the next few days and it's on to the wait again. I really think I'm at a point that I don't care if I get pg in the next few months. Like I said in my earlier post, I'm really just tired of it all. Quite honestly it's been really refreshing to not be worrying about it. Another big reason I don't really care right now is because we have about $1600 in medical bills. $1200 of that is from my surgery. Another $200 is from Robert's portion of our IUI. People who know me know I freak out when I have outstanding bills. Don't get me wrong I will still probably cry if I am not pg this month, but at least the in between isn't so bad right now.

Today is one year since we found out that our baby hadn't survived. I honestly don't think I will ever forget how painful that day was. I will say that I am very proud of how far we have come since that day. Both emotionally and in our marriage. As much as that day hurt for both of us I wouldn't change a thing. I still trust that this is God's plan for us. I said it right after and I'll say it again. I feel so blessed that God chose this journey for us.

Can I Take It Back?

Sometimes I wish no one knew what we were going through. I feel like the first thing people are thinking when they see me is "is she pg yet?", "should I ask questions?". I wish I could keep this all between me and my husband now. I don't regret telling people because the support has been amazing over the past 2 years, but now that we are closing in on 3 years I'm just kind of tired of talking about it. I'm tired of thinking about it, obsessing over it, and letting it control me. I don't want to put on that fake smile and say yes I know it will happen eventually. Truth is, I don't know that. No one knows that. In two weeks we will officially be considered infertile for the 2nd time. (you know the definition a couple trying for at least a year) I can't believe it's almost been a year since our baby was taken from us. I'm crying as I type this because I miss our baby so much. I never thought that we would still be here a year later empty handed and brokenhearted. It hurts to stop and think about how much time has really passed and the babies that have been born and the ones who are about to celebrate their 2nd birthday. I'm ready to move on from this "attachment" to our marriage. I just want to be Robert and Kandice again.

"Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see" Hebrews 11:1