Missing Blogging

Wow!  It has been forever since I've been on here. Heck I literally had to search for how to create a post.  I don't have much to say right now but maybe I'll get back in to blogging.  The kids are doing great.  The twins are in Kindergarten already.  Bray will be in Pre-K next year and my baby girl is about to be 2. How that is even possible I'm not sure.  They are at the stage where everything is a fight but yet they can't be apart for more than a minute.  Brooklyn is the coolest little girl ever and she melts my heart about every second of every day.  I almost daily still have moments where I look at our journey and can't believe where we ended up. God really has been so good to us.  I think about my old blog friends all the time and hope everyone is doing well. 

Brooklyn Grace

Brooklyn Grace was born on March 27th. She was 7lbs 13oz and 19in long.  My spinal was horrible but the actually c-section was easy. I also got a tubal ligation so it's official. No more babies. She came out screaming and literally didn't stop for about 10 minutes. (Seemed like 30). I actually got to do skin to skin immediately this time as they were sewing me up. That is the one thing I've always felt I missed out on not having a natural delivery. It was amazing to say the least. She is perfect and such a good baby. The boys absolutely adore her!!

CMV Exposure

Well the past month has been eventful for the fourth and final blessing.  Back in the middle of January I got extremely sick with nothing more than a 6 day fever and back/stomach pain.  I went to the hospital on day 2 of the fever and they said I just had severe dehydration and negative for a bladder infection. So I was given an IV and sent home.  Day 4 of fever I decided to go to the AM/PM clinic to get tested for the flu.  Negative for flu but traces of bacteria for bladder infection and an ear infection and was sent home with an antibiotic.  That was surprising because it didn't hurt.  Day 6 of fever I had an OB appointment so I mentioned it to her.  She changed up my antibiotic and decided to send me for blood work just to rule out any other infections.  The second antibiotic seemed to kick it so I thought I was on a good path.  Fast forward to three weeks later when I get a call from the dr saying I needed to go back in for bloodworm because some of my results came back positive.  I was pretty confused at this point because they were talking medical talk and I certainly don't understand that.  Come to find out I had tested positive for CMV which is a viral infection.  After googling against my dr's recommendations I discovered that most people with be exposed to it by the time they are 40 but you don't want to be exposed to it for the first time while you are pregnant.  So she now wanted to send me on to a specialist to try and determine if there was any harm to my baby girl and if this was a primary exposure or secondary.  If it is secondary then there is a 1% (from what the internet tells me) of it actually passing on to the baby.  We went yesterday and he is certain it is a secondary infection and she looked great so none of the major things have happened to her.  If it passed to her some of the risks at this point after birth become hearing loss and vision loss.  While I feel in my heart the chances of this happening are very slim it is still scary to think about.  He offered us an amnio to check now but we declined and will just get her tested at birth.   I'm still in shock that this virus is so unknown.  If it is this dangerous while pregnant why doesn't anyone know about it or warn you about it.  I mean how many people get this and don't even know it.  Most people don't even show signs.  So I would assume pregnant women are exposed all the time and never know it. Most of the things I read all over the internet basically say that you can get it from daycare kids.  So it seems quite common then to be exposed to this??? Right???  Part of me is confident I didn't pass it on and the other part of me is dying inside knowing it is a possibility.  If anyone is still reading if you could please just keep us in your prayers we would appreciate it.  He is going to have me do non stress tests just to keep an eye on her.  She'll be here in 6 weeks so we will know something more then. 

They Grew Up

Baby #4 is.......

is a little baby GIRL!!!  I think I'm still in disbelief.   We've had two ultrasounds to confirm so I know she is a she but I just don't think I thought I would ever be typing those words.  After three years of infertility and one loss I just really never thought I would see the day that my family would be complete.  To the point where I felt 100% complete.  God has been so faithful to us.  I can't wait to meet our precious little princess!  Her brothers are super excited too.

It's Been a While

Don't get too excited. (if anyone is still reading).  I'm not here to say too much.  Just one last little surprise.

 

I still can't believe after everything we went through we have now had two easy pregnancies.  I continued to be amazed by how God works.  I would love to fill you in on all the details but once again I'm miserably sick so I don't feel like writing a novel at the moment.  I will update soon!

A Letter to My Boys

Baker Boys,

Today is the day that your father and I will dedicate the three of you boys to the church.  We are not only dedicating you to Life church, but we are dedicating you to God.  We are making our promise to raise you in a Christ-Centered home.  There is something equally special about this day.  It is also Mother’s Day weekend.  The three years leading up to when we found out we were going to be parents were heart wrenching.  I honestly didn’t know if I would ever become a Mom.  It made this weekend so incredibly painful.  I spent a lot of time with God in those years.  I want you all to know that I prayed for you and God answered our prayers in His timing.  He knew exactly what he was doing.  We have three of the most perfect miracles that I could ever ask for.  Miracles is what you all are and God is the reason you are here.

There are a few things that I want you to remember while you go through life:

1.)    God should always be first.  I believe with all my heart that if you put Him first then the rest of your life falls into place.  This is sometimes hard for your mommy to accept because I selfishly think I should come first after carrying you around for nine months.  I guess God wins though.

2.)    The world is cruel, don’t give in to the pressure.  The media and everyone else will try to make you think you need material things.  Material things equal debt.  Debt equals chains.  God is the only one who can provide happiness sons.  BE WHO YOU ARE, NOT WHO THE WORLD SAYS YOU SHOULD BE!

3.)    You are wanted.  If for any reason your father or I should do something to make you feel unloved remember this.  We spent 3.2 years trying and longing for you.  It took numerous doctor appointments, money, time, surgeries, shots and tears to conceive you. Bray you are no exception.  Just because you made your determinedness known doesn’t mean that we didn’t long for you too.  A little secret.  Mommy longed to feel a singleton pregnancy and all the things that were different than a twin pregnancy.   So my little cuddle bug, you were wanted too!  Not to mention that God placed you in our life at just the perfect time.  One day we will share that story with you.

4.)    You will get your heart broken.  I’m crying now at the thought of this.  You are only 1 & almost 3, but the thought that someone will hurt you, hurts me.  There are going to be a number of people throughout your life that will let you down.  This is not limited to a girlfriend.  You will have people who you never expected like friends and family.  It is part of the world we live in.  God tells us to forgive.  So boys, you should forgive and pray for those who have hurt you.  Just remember that we cannot control what others say or do but we can control who we let stay in our lives. 

5.)    Be kind to everyone. God said no man’s sins are greater than the next.  There are people all over the world that are hurting.  Don’t be the one to make them hurt more.

6.)    Life goes on.  You are going to encounter hardships along the way.  Don’t let them take you out.  Always be an optimist and remember #1. 

7.)    We are always here for you. Your Mom and Dad will always be your #1 fans in life.  We are pulling for each one of you.  We want to see you succeed in life and with your walk with Christ. We will never turn our backs on you.  Anything you need we are here.  Even if you want to come live with us again when you’re 30. 

8.)    We will give you tough love.  We are not always going to hand things to you because you want them.  There are going to be some instances in life where we may have to implement “tough love”.  This will be harder on us than it is on you.  I hope you can one day understand what this is about and not be angry with us.

9.)    It’s ok to cry.  Society tells you that boys shouldn’t cry.  I think society is wrong.  It is ok to feel pain and deal with it.  It is ok to be sad.  I think it makes you a much better man.  It makes you human.  It will make you very attractive to a woman as well.  Let’s not explore this until you are at least 25 though.

10.) You are enough! Remember when the world around you tells you that you aren't good enough, that you are always good enough in God’s eyes.  You are also always good enough in our eyes.  Don’t let what anyone thinks about you define you.  Let you define you. Let your relationship with God define you.

11.) Go to college. Just do it!

12.) Divorce is not an option.  You are too young now for me to even fathom you boys getting married.  When you do, remember that marriage is a commitment before God.  Don’t get married unless you are ready to fully commit to another person. This will mean putting yourself aside to make someone else happy.  Marriage is work and sometimes it is painfully hard, but don’t ever put “divorce” in your vocabulary.  Seek God not society.

13.) Don’t forget about us.  It’s hard to imagine at the age you are now that someday, if we do our job right, you are going to leave home.  You will become men of your own household.   It’s just so hard to imagine that for the next 15-17 years we will have you in our home every day.  Our lives revolve around you boys right now.  There is going to come a day when you are gone.  I don’t want that day to come.  I wish I could freeze time right now.  Where you, Bray, are crying to come lay in bed with me and I pick you up and you wrap your sweet little arms around my neck and won’t let go for the rest of the night.  Or you, Beckham, with your sweet little voice saying, “Mommy, please help me” or embarrassingly enough for you when we have our cute little talks while you are trying to use the restroom.  And you, Brody, laughing deviously and always saying after you get your hair done, “Mom, I’m not handsome, I’m Brody Superhero”.  Gosh, I’m going to miss you boys.  I’m going to miss these days. Don’t worry, I’ll try to keep my cool and not follow you to college.  I am however not promising to not cry every year you get older for I know that means my days are numbered before you leave the nest.  Just remember to call us just to say hi and I love you. That will mean the world to us. 

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

This is the verse that I live by with you three boys.  My hope is that your father and I can give you a strong faith based foundation.  You boys have changed my life for the better.  I never knew how much love my body was capable of feeling until I saw each of you for the first time.  Those images are ingrained in my mind.  I will admit that there are several days that I get caught up in life and I forget to pray.  I can promise you that there aren’t many days that go by though that I don’t forget to thank God for each of you when I’m tucking you in bed at night.  I love you my three little momma’s boys. More than you will ever know!  

We love you,

 

Mommy and Daddy

Five Years

I had a friend email me the other day asking if she could run a mile in a marathon in memory of my angel.  I was so touched that there is someone out there that still remembers too.  That someone else out there knows that we have a child in Heaven.  It prompted me to start thinking back on the past 5 years and I started reading some old blogs.  It was a very dark and lonely place to be in that season of my life.  So much pain and heartache.  Little did I know I would be typing this 5 years down the road in one of the best places I've ever been in my life.  I have three beautiful boys and I'm happy.  I am so grateful for my journey and I wouldn't change it.  Infertility changed me, but for the better.  I'm a better mom, wife, Christian and friend.  I wouldn't give any of that up!  GOD IS GOOD!

This Thursday will be five years since we heard our angel baby's heartbeat for the first and last time. I can remember how exciting that day was. After 18 months we were finally on our way to having our baby. Little did we know that was not going to be the case. I spent 12 weeks of pregnancy (really 8 weeks) with that child. Planning names and nurseries. Doing all the things that pregnant people do. That baby is and will always be a part of us and our family. He/She is in Heaven and I can't wait to meet him/her. I just wanted to take some time to acknowledge that I still remember it all so well and to say that I still miss my angel. 

Four Maybe?

Are you guys done? Do you want a girl? You need a girl! You have to try for a girl! You need some estrogen in your house!

Baby #4 has been a “thought” for a while now.  After Bray was born it was an absolute NO.  As the months went on though it turned into that “thought”.   Here are some of the things that have constantly played in this crazy little head of mine.  “Are you insane?” “You get no sleep as it is!” “It’s going to be a boy!” “Can my uterus handle another pregnancy?” “This will be my third C-section, they say that can be dangerous!” “You are done with bottles and baby food, do you really want to go back there?” “Four colleges to pay for!” “Four cars to pay for!” “Four braces to pay for!” “You finally got your body back (for the most part anyway)!” “What if we decided to try and can’t, can you handle those emotions again?” “What if we have twins/triplets?” “We ended on a good note so why not keep it that way!” “What if it is a boy and since he won’t be close in age to the other three he is an outcast?” “All of our kids are healthy, are we pushing our luck?” “What if we don’t try and I look back at 40 and regret it?”  “The “hard times” of terrible twos are almost over, well ok you have about three more years.  All these people are lying that tell me it doesn’t get better.  How can it not? Right? RIGHT?”  “You’ve already been locked away for three years because these babies are too hard to get out, don’t you want to start living your life again?” “We won’t have the money for a third until the twins are in school and by that time do we really want to have another baby?” “SERIOUSLY, how are you even considering this?!?!” 

Being a mother has been one of THE hardest things I have ever done in my life.  It is not all fairy dust and rainbows that people seem to portray on the outside.  The truth is that most of our days start out with pure chaos and tiredness from three kids who don’t know how to sleep.  There is constant defiance to get dressed or go potty so that we can make our best attempt at getting to work on time.  Then I spend my entire day thinking about and missing the crap out of my kids and wishing I could be with them every second of every day.  Then comes the moment I see them after work.  Which is met with a huge smile and a hug from Bray and then quickly turns into a crazed kid who fights getting put in his car seat, immediately takes off his right shoe and sock and throws a fit the entire way to pick up the twins.  Then comes the twin’s daycare.  Once again I’m met with huge smiles and hugs which quickly turns to Brody running away playing with all the toys while I’m trying to get him to put on his jacket and Beckham suddenly needing a drink from the water fountain which is the opposite direction of the front door.  Then they both have to push the exit button (which is unnecessary) before finally walking out the front door to the car.  They greet their daddy and Bray with a smile.  Bray loves seeing his brothers so he is calmed down by now.  Then the ride home.  Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.  This is where I will admit that I was an infertile girl saying I will never get tired of hearing my kids saying mom. I hate for this to even come out of my mouth, but it exhausts me!  I mean my husband even has to step in at times and be like ok boys, no more questions to mommy.  I do answer every single one and I would never tell my kids to leave me alone, but in my head I do think, you know daddy is here too!  Moving on.  We get home.  Brody tries to run on the side of the house.  Why? I have no idea! Beckham will not go in until he has gotten the mail even if we explain to him over and over that it’s a holiday.  Finally get all three kids inside and the second round of chaos starts.  Bray cries for dinner because he thinks he is a starved child even though he has already eaten a full meal at daycare.  He also does not want you to put him down at this point in the day and if you do you are the meanest mommy in the world and you can see the heartbreak on his face.  Ok child I will hold you while you are still crying for food and I will get undressed from work and get dinner going.  Just cherish this baby on your hip is what my heart tells me at this point.  So I dive into kisses and hugs.  This child loves hugs and pulling the crap out of my hair! So back to being frustrated because he has now managed to physically hurt me.  Put him down tell him no and watch him cry because I hurt his feelings. I now feel horrible!  The twins are running around tackling each other so I tell them someone is going to get hurt and we are going to have to go to the hospital.  Not sure they can even hear what I say over their giggles.  The giggles make me smile and make my heart swell but doesn’t take away my anxiety from their wrestling moves.  Dinner of chicken nuggets, hot dogs or noodles is served because it is the only thing I have time to prepare.  After all we only have about an hour and a half of an evening before bed.  Dinner is always a disaster.  The twins are throwing food or spitting or making tiger noises at each other which makes them laugh with a full mouth of food which again gives me anxiety because I think they are going to choke.  Bray likes to push himself away from the table which means he can’t reach his food which means he is starving and whines.  When dinner is done we are left with an enormous mess on the table and floor to clean up EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT!  Again, exhausting! Then have you ever tried to bathe three babies with only two sets of hands?  Or tried to talk them into getting out of the tub?  How about getting them ready for bed?  The twins run around like crazy people saying nakey, nakey.  Sure this is cute while I’m thinking back on it, but not in the moment when you have worked all day and you are purely exhausted and ready for bed yourself.  Just get dressed already!!  Then comes the absolute most exhausting part of the day.  I think most toddler moms know what I’m about to say…..BEDTIME!  The twins are great about walking to bed.  We get our last drink, go potty and then tuck in.   Then the fun starts.  Mom, I need a drink.  No. go to sleep. Mom, I need to go potty.  Ok. Can’t say no. They are potty training.  Mom, I need a hug and kiss.  Ok. Can’t say no to that either.  Mom, I need a book.  No. Go to sleep.  Mom. Come lay with me.  No. Go to sleep.  Even though I honestly would love to but don’t want to start that habit.  This is usually about an hour routine EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT!  Bray is still up at this point and in his sweetest moment I want to put him to sleep but for some reason he will not fall asleep in my arms.  So he lays with his daddy and falls asleep.  He is finally at a point where he stays asleep once he is laid down.  I get excited about this point in the night because I get to lay in my bed and relax.  Funny thing is I still have anxiety at this point because I know that rest is only for about 3 more hours until one of the twins wakes up and fake cries until we come in there, which also wakes Bray up who will cry for hours until we get him and put him in our bed.   We get four hours of sleep total on a good night and this has been going on for almost three years now.  The morning eventually rolls around and we start it over once again.  We have said numerous times lately that we are literally about to have a mental and physical breakdown. I want to point out that these are not exaggerations.  You could pick any given day to come follow our family and you would witness all of these things occurring. 

So, all of that nonsense brings me back to “How can you even be thinking about having another child?!?!” It’s simple really.  No matter what, at any given moment someone can ask me if all of that is worth it.  My answer 150% will always be ABSOLUTELY!   This is a season. It too shall pass all too quickly.  We both love our children with our every being and we both know we want to experience all of this one more time.  Right now is not the time for that, but if God blesses us with the resources you better bet that we try for another miracle.   And we won’t be trying for a girl.  We will be trying for another blessing to add to our already blessed life!

Happy 1st Birthday Bray

So I'm two days late on this post but what do you expect from a mom with three boys two and under? As I've expressed I've had a hard time leading up to this day.  I knew it was going to happen sooner than I would like and I was trying to embrace it.  To heck with embracing it though.  I want my baby to stay a baby forever.  Ok ok I know, get over it!  He decided to go through a phase about two weeks before his birthday where I was no longer the only person that COULD rock him, but the only person that COULDN'T!  Come on son! Not the time for this.  Anyway, he was very kind and finally let me hold him and rock him to sleep the night before his birthday.  I cherished it.  He was moving on from being a baby into the world of toddlerhood.  I did cry as I laid him to bed that night. It's hard to know these days will soon be distant memories and my sweet innocent boy will soon be telling me to leave him alone. (Yep, the twins say this to me).  Looking back we were scared how we would manage three babies, but now I can't imagine it any other way.  I'd do it all again. 

This year with him has been a huge challenge but also a huge blessing.  He has by far been more difficult than the twins ever were.  He has a huge personality and is the best cuddler ever which makes up for it.  I was able to nurse him for 8 months which was an amazing experience.  He has been momma's little buddy and I have a feeling we are going to be very close as he grows up.  He has already switched to whole milk and has been bottle free for about three weeks.  This has been an easy transition because he wants to do everything his big brothers do.  He took his first steps the week of Thanksgiving and can now walk wherever he wants to go.  He is starting to try and talk but really you can't make much out of what he is saying.  He loves to pretend talk on the phone and to pretend sneeze.  Have I mentioned how much he loves to eat???  He has filled my heart even more this year than I thought was possible.  Can't believe how fast it went. 

We did his party on the day of his birthday.  We went with a Winter Onederland theme.  Everything turned out great. I love throwing these parties for my kids even though they may hate me when they are 16 for what they have to wear.  He got lots of great gifts although the twins have already taken them over.  I'm afraid this is going to be the story for many years to come.  Oh well maybe one day they'll see it as something cool that they basically get new stuff for each birthday since they share everything. 

So I've raised my third child past the age of one.  I would say that is a pretty good victory for a girl who spent 3 years thinking I'd never have one.  Once again, GOD IS GOOD!

Birthday Sprinkle Pancakes

 

Christmas 2013

We started off this Christmas a little on a scary note.  We had taken the twins to daycare on Christmas Eve day because we had family coming over that night and we needed to get the house cleaned.  We got a call around 10 am and it was the daycare telling us that we needed to come up because Beckham was going to need stitches.  I could tell in his voice that he was a little uneasy.  I was not prepared at all for what I saw when I got there.  He was in the rocking chair with Mrs. Linda and was actually being very calm.  I told her I didn't really want to see but I knew I needed to.  His forehead was split wide open.  I mean we're talking deep flesh hanging out.  I managed to stay calm because I knew I needed to be for him.  I sat in the back with him on the way to the hospital and we just sang Rudolph to keep him awake.  It's amazing how resilient kids are.  He was scared every time a Dr came in but in between that he was playing and laughing with his brother.  I'm pretty sure I would have asked to be knocked out.  He wound up getting 7 stitches and some glue.  He is going to have a pretty nice scar for the rest of his life.  I'm sure this was the first of many!

The rest of Christmas was wonderful!  This year the boys have been so into it.  They learned Rudolph and Santa Clause is Coming to Town in about an hour and sang it nonstop for a month.  Brody passed out all the presents and thought he was doing something so big.  I love the little boys they are turning out to be.  It is so much fun to get your joy from watching everything through a kids eyes.  I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  My next post will be about my baby boy who turns 1 in 9 days!!!! I'll leave you with some pictures.

One Last Month

My baby is 11 months old today.  I have to say, I'm having a very hard time with this.  Aside from just the general sadness of a child getting older, I can't really explain it.  This little boy who wasn't technically planned and gave me and his daddy a mini panic attack has stole my heart.  COMPLETELY!  I"m not ready for him to turn one.  I'm not ready for no more babies in our house. So I am currently taking donations for a fourth baby fund ;) The Taylor Swift song, "Don't you ever grow up, won't you stay this little" has continued to play in my head for about a week now.  I have been very saddened by the fact that my baby boy is 11 months old today and only has one month left for me to call him a baby.  One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to forget these years.  I know there are a lot of people who don't care much for the baby phase.  Yes, it's been a little harder with Bray than it was with the twins, but I still love it. I love the innocence.  I love the newness. I love the milestones.  I love how much they want me and I know one day that will be gone.  I want my baby to stay a baby forever!

Bray is a total momma's boy.  He has slept with me almost every single night since the day he was born.  He now wraps his sweet little arms completely around my neck and he.holds.me! He is also very giving of his kisses.  He will kiss me about 20 times in a row.  I'm telling you.  This kid LOVES his momma.  I love him.  I love him with my inner most being.  He is becoming quite the character and he has such a big personality.   He will growl at you at the most random times.  He also loves to fight his brothers back when they try and take something from him.  Him and Brody wrestle and while he thinks it is hilarious, I'm pretty sure Brody is going to cut off his oxygen supply.  Even though he is a momma's boy he constantly hollers for his dada.  Guess he's just making sure he is still around while he clings on to his mommy.  He is only a size behind his big brothers.  He fits most 18 month clothes.  He is wearing a size 4 shoe.  He took his first few steps last week while he was sick and letting me know what it would feel like to be a stay at home mom to one baby!  (AMAZING).  He will be full out walking within two weeks I'm sure.  He has been eating big boy food for about a month now and can devour an entire kids meal by himself.  He for sure out eats his twin brothers. 

Bray Isaiah Baker, I remember the day I found out you would be coming in to this world like it was yesterday.  I was so scared and shocked that it had happened.  Looking at your amazing smile everyday, I wish I could have a million more of those surprises.  You are a huge blessing in our lives and I wouldn't take one second away.  You were determined to be here in every way from the conception to chosing your birthday.  I know you are going to continue to push your way through life the way you want it done.  I'm going to cherish this last month with you as a baby.  I know I will miss this year, but I know that we have many wonderful years to go.  I love you Bray Bray!

Blessed Beyond Belief

It's been 3 years and 5 days since the day we found out that we were blessed with not only one but two tiny little miracles.  As we sat at the dinner table last night I looked around as all three boys were just cracking up with each other. THREE...I thought to myself, when did this happen?  It seems like yesterday we were going through some of the toughest times in our lives trying to conceive just one baby.  One is what we prayed for.  Three is what we got.  GOD IS GOOD!

I have things I want to write all the time. I just never can find the energy to do it. I've noticed that has kind of been the trend in the blogs I follow.  Noone updates anymore. I get it because I'm obviously one of those, but I miss hearing other's struggles and joys.

Life is going good in our household.  Things are still VERY busy.  We just purchased a new house and will be moving in this weekend.  We had to change to give these three boys room to run.  I'm hoping it is a house that will hold lots of memories for each of them.  I'm currently in full planning mode for Bray's 1st Birthday which is in about 6 weeks.  (I may or may not have had a tear just stream down my face).  It's amazing how different your second child is, or third in my case.  His babyhood has just flown by.  I can't believe I'm about to have no babies in my house and none on the way.  It seems like such a strange feeling.  It's honestly a sad feeling.  It does get easier the older they all get but it also makes my heart yearn for those first months with each of them.  I guess I'll just have to  reminisce with pictures for now.  Brody and Beckham are talking like they are teenagers.  Really only Robert and I can probably understand about half the things they say but it sure is cute.  The things that come out of their mouth sometimes just makes my jaw drop.  Like where in the world did you learn that?  The other day we were looking at shapes and Brody was telling me what each one was.  We went through circle, square, triangle. Then we got to the what I would call nonstandard shape.  He held it up and said "Mommy, octagon".  I was speechless. Seriously, I probably wouldn't have even remembered what that was called ha.  This is also the kid who now calls me Mom instead of Mommy which really tugs at my heart strings. That's a battle I am losing. Then Beckham the other day was walking away from me when I needed him.  So I said Beckham, come here, to which he replied "just a minute Mommy".   Who are these kids and when did they grow up? 

I"m not going to lie.  I still go to bed most nights so exhausted and frustrated from fighting with three little ones.  Parenting is harder than I ever imagined it to be. They have pulled out more of my bad side than I would like to admit, but they have also pulled out this love I never knew could exist.  So yes I'm still hanging in there with three little ones and yes I stil feel extremely blessed.  I wouldn't have it any other way!

My Purpose

I signed up to do this eight week "Full Plate Diet" thing at work.  Basically we meet weekly and go through the material that is provided.  To be honest it has been a bit silly and I can't grasp the concept of filling up your plate with good foods.  I'd prefer burgers and fries, but that is not the point of this post.  We usually do a few exercises where they ask us to write something down and then we discuss with our group.  This particluar one they had asked us to write down our purpose.  I very easily filled mine out thinking this was a simple task.  I soon realized as we got back together to discuss that this wasn't that easy for most.  From what I could tell I was the only one who came up with something.  Let me share mine:

My purpose is to raise my children to become well rounded, respectable, christ centered individuals who know they are loved.

If I think back to my days before kids I can bet that I was right there with these other girls.  Not knowing what I'm meant for in this life.  My children have given me my purpose and they have driven my relationship with God alot closer.  I now can't even imagine going back to that previous life. I have all I could ever want and more!

New Pics

I debated for a while whether or not to get the boys two year pictures taken because lets be honest,  this age isn't the easiest.  I imagined that there would be lots of screaming and not enough hands and really just the worst.  The more I thought about it though I knew I would regret not having these every year.  Not to mention Bray needed 6 month pictures. So I decided to go for it.  I'm so glad we did because they turned out great!  Beckham and Bray cooperated pretty good that day, but Brody was...well Brody :) It made it even better though.  We always use Nicole Hager and she is AMAZING! I know our family will stay with her for years so I hope she continues to use her talent for a long long time.  Here is how they turned out.  Enjoy!


http://video214.com/play/9SErD3FLPT21wvQDI6V04Q/s/dark

The Want to Protect

It has been 26 months since I became a mom.  You would think I would have experienced a majority of the emotions that come along with that title.  My boys have experienced the pain of smashed fingers and bruised knees.  They've been sick to the point that they just want to lay on me all day.  Brody has been hopsitalized twice with IV's sticking out of him. Beckham has been through x-rays, cat scans, and ultrasounds.  My heart has felt heavy with each of these.  As a mother you hurt with your kids and for your kids.  Last night I experienced something that I really hadn't even thought about before. 

We had just put the boys down for bed.  Robert was rocking Bray and I was doing laundry in the laundry room.  Brody came out of his room with his usual "I need a inasore" (dinasour).  I was hollering at him to go get back in bed and as he was coming into the kitchen something scared him.  I don't mean just made him jump a little, I mean full out pee your pants type of scared. He screamed and ran.  He was in complete panic and ran the other direction.  I have never seen him so scared.  I ran in there while Robert was trying to get him to come to him.  I picked him up and held him.  He was shaking and crying.  I calmed him down and told him to show me what he was scared of.  He very carefully took me into the kitchen and just pointed.  I really have no idea what scared him or what he saw but I just told him it was ok and held him.  Tears began streaming down my face at this point because I think reality set in that my little innocent babies that have yet to see the world are growing up.  They are entering an age where this corrupted world is going to show its face. They are begining to know what fear is.  I have this extreme want and need to protect them.  To shield them from everything bad out there.  I hate knowing that they will experience deep hurt from another human being.  They will experience failure and jealousy and resentment.  These things are all human nature.  It is inevitable and I as their mother cannot protect them from these things.  I cannot protect them from their feelings whether they are scared, hurt or angry. 

This mother thing comes with so many more things than I had anticipated.  I'm sure there are many more realizations to come.

Coming to an End

Bray is now a little over seven months old and I have made the decision that I am ready to stop breastfeeding.  I am ready physically and trying to be ready emotionally.  I had no idea how attached I was to nursing him.  I didn't realize how much satisfaction I got from it.  I didn't realize the bond it has created between me and him.  I remember having a  hard time making the decision to stop with the boys at 11 wks, but there were different factors involved.  I wasn't even making enough milk for half a bottle with either of them.  I wasn't really nursing.  Brody would latch on occasionally but that was it.  I was going back to work and it just didn't seem worth the time it was taking for the amount that I was making.  Bray has been different.  We had some issues in the beginning. He would latch great but wouldn't stay awake long enough to finish a feeding no matter how hard I tried to get him to.  Then the kid just loved to eat so even though I was producing a decent amount I still had to supplement with formula a couple of times.  Things have worked themselves out though and for the most part he has been strictly breastfed.  We nurse twice a day.  Once in the morning and once at night.  Ok that is a lie. This kid actually stays attached to me most of the night. He used to anyway.  We are slowly breaking that with some success.  I have several reasons for being ready to be done.  Some are selfish which puts a huge amount of guilt on me.  I've been holding on to my last 10-15 lbs and I haven't been able to get rid of it due to not really being able to diet and I'm honestly just starving at all times.  That is probably my most selfish reason, but it has led to a lot of issues for me.  I don't feel good about myself.  And speaking of guilt I for some reason get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime I have to make him a formula bottle now. I have no idea what this is about because the twins were formula fed for most of their first year and they are perfectly healthy two year olds. I also feel like there is judgement from others around me.  I honestly am at a loss for where these feelings are coming from. Some others reason are due to work and how busy I am. Taking out an hour of my day to pump really hurts my time at work.  Then there is the extreme exhaustion I have from three kids who for some reason don't know how to sleep.  So all I want to do at night is go to bed.  NOT PUMP!  And then in the mornings we are already always running late so taking the extra 15 minutes to pump makes things even worse.  I'm just ready to be done and my goal was six months which I have exceeded. I have gotten down to only two times a day.  Morning and night which are the times I nurse and then still have to pump after.  The problem is that I am ready mentally just not emotionally.  I can't seem to get myself to give up those two times.  Nursing comforts my baby when nothing else will.  And I really do love that extra special time first thing in the morning when I get to cuddle him up next to me and let him nurse.  And then probably the biggest emotional connection to this is that he is probably my last baby.  Somehow knowing that whichever time I decide is my last is the last time I will ever nurse a baby.  I spent so many years longing for this.  Yearning for a baby who needs his momma.  How can it be that this is over already?  I do realize that I am making this choice and I probably should just suck it up, but just because it's my choice doesn't mean I'm not sad about it.  I just know it's time.  I'm gonna miss this!

The Killer B's

I guess it's time for an update on what my munchkins are up to these days.  The twins are now two (tear).  Bray is six months today.  It wouldn't be a complete post by me if I didn't say, where has the time gone?  We are staying busy that is for sure.  We spend most of our weekends outside in the kiddie pool.  These boys are just like their momma and love the sun! We have moved both boys to toddler beds and they are doing pretty good with them.  It takes a good hour for them to actually fall asleep at night because they have the freedom to roam around, but they eventually make it to bed.  Brody likes to crawl in bed with Beckham a lot. 

Beckham is weighing in at a whopping 25 lbs.  He is still my more reserved kid, but is starting to learn how to talk back.  It's wonderful. (sense my sarcasm?)  He could play by himself for hours but his bubba does not allow for that.  Brody picks on him so much.  He is learning to stand up for himself though and Brody does not like it at all.  I know we are supposed to be the parents and stop it, but it is actually quite funny to watch them go at it.  Trust me we do correct it at some point, but I think Beckham does need to know how to stand up for himself.  He is doing great with learning.  He can say so many things and for the most part we know what he is asking for these days.  I just can't believe how much his vocabulary has taken off in such a short amount of time. He is still an early riser and wakes up about 5 am.  I keep thinking this is going to change one day, but we are two years in and NOPE!  He has got the cutest personality and we truly think he is going to be the class clown.  He's so funny and has the greatest facial expressions. 

Brody is also weighing in at a whopping 25lbs. This kid is just plain onery.  My parents are constantly telling me he is just paying me back.  He has an amazing outgoing personality though.  He is very hard headed just like his momma and EVERYTHING is "me do it".  He runs everywhere he goes and he constantly has to be busy.  He is definitely our more challenging child.  He loves to place food everywhere but his plate and I'm starting to wonder if he is going to eat like this for the rest of his life. This kid could be outside all day every day if you would let him.  He has really started talking too.  I still get amazed that my kids can communicate now.  He is also still waking up at 5 am.  Somethings gotta give right?  This kid is going to be a handful for a  long time, but I wouldn't trade him for the world!

Bray.  Oh my spoiled little baby Bray Bray.  This baby has by far been the hardest one.  He has us wrapped around his finger and pretty much gets what he wants.  He just started sleeping through the night about a week ago.  Prior to that there are several nights where he slept attached to me.  If he wasn't attached to me he was screaming!  He doesn't take bitey's well and if you try to place it in his mouth when all he wants is momma you get a child that acts like you are torturing him.  Things have FINALLY settled down in that aspect though and we are headed in the right direction (please don't jinx me because I said this out loud).  He is still a little piglet and eats 6 oz every 2-3 hrs along with cereal once a day. We started solids last night and he had greens beans and loved them.  I don't think this kid is going to be too picky.  He loves to be held and pretty much won't let you put him down.  I've been told at daycare that he doesn't even use his crib.  While all of this sounds a little annoying I really am quite ok with it.  After all is is 99% for sure going to be my last baby.  I have to cherish it.  You also have to remember that I never had just one baby to love away on.  So if he needs to sleep attached to me a couple more nights...bring it on.  This won't last forever.  He is still going strong nursing and I still haven't decided how much longer I'm going to keep it up.  Six months was my goal and now that I've hit that I really don't have thoughts of stopping right now. I guess part of me knows that once I stop then that's a big piece of my last baby gone.  I'll never get to do this again.  Ok moving on because I hate even thinking about that.  Bray is wonderful and has a huge personality already.  I'm pretty sure he is going to be just like Brody so we're definitely in for some crazier times ahead.  He has started saying dada, mama, buba, and papa just this past week.  I love this little chunky monkey so much. We were joking the other day about how determined of a little man he is.  He decided he was going to be conceived into this world and he decided the day he was going to make his presence.  He is amazing!

I've often questioned how we would make it through these times.  I never imagined it to be this hard, but I also never imagined it to be this rewarding.  This life and these kids are right where we were all meant to be.

A Piece of My Life

It was a sad day for us yesterday.  It was announced that the Moore Medical Center where I had all three of my children will be demolished.  It was declared unsalvageable. I am a very sentimental person and this news breaks my heart.  We drove by this hospital almost everyday on the way home from picking the kids up from daycare.  It is where I have announced to them a million times that that is the first place we saw their beautiful faces.  We would drive by and tell them that that is where they would be meeting their new little brother for the first time.  My Dr's office is in that building.  It is where I have spent a better part of the last three years, getting ultrasounds, weight checks and hearing my amazing miracle's heart beats.  There are so many memories tucked away in that place.  My heart is still so heavy from what has gone in our hometown.  Please continue to pray for the people of Oklahoma. 

My Worst Fears

May 20th, 2013 will be a day that I will not be able to ever forget.  I came face to face with the reality of losing my children.

I knew that we were supposed to get bad storms that day and we were told to be aware of the possiblity of tornados.  It was right around 1:30 when they started to pop up.  I immediately started worrying about not being with the kids.  I called my sister to talk to her about where they were and what was going on.  She was on her way to get her kids out of school because things were going downhill fast.  I had to run in to a meeting at 2:00 so I told her to be careful and keep me updated.  In the meantime I knew my mother in law was home and I asked her to keep me updated as well.  Throughout the meeting I was getting texts about the location of the storm.  Towards the end of the meeting I got the news that the tornado was forming. This was the exact place our May 3rd tornado had formed.  I knew if this touched down it wasn't going to be good news.  We got out of the meeting at 3:00 and I had just enough time to put my stuff down when the sirens went off.  We all got moved to the stairwell.  I will never forget the feelings that were inside of me.  The tornado had touched down and it was headed straight for my boys daycare.  I had to sit there and just listen to those around me that were watching the coverage on their phones.  They were keeping me up to date on where the tornado was.  All I could do was pray. I have honestly never prayed that hard in my life.  "Lord, please keep my children safe, please don't let my children die, please Lord, please!"  It's all I could say over and over.  Tears just kept rolling down my face as I was thinking about what was going to happen. 

We were very fortunate that the tornado hit a few blocks south of their daycare.  We didn't go back to our desks that day, we just left work.  We couldn't get to our children fast enough.  I cried the whole way there.  I squeezed those little guys so tight and thanked God for keeping them safe.  I gave a few extra kisses that night before bed and honestly I wanted to just lay next to them.  I didn't want to leave their side.

I'm having a hard time processing the aftermath. The what ifs have haunted me for the past couple of days and I just can't stop thinking about if that tornado hadn't turned and went straight towards the daycare. I don't believe they would have survived. We rushed dropping them off that morning because we were running late. What if that had been the last moment we had with them?

There are so many that lost loved ones and children. I keep hearing more and more stories and I know that we are so fortunate to be holding our children today. For that I am forever grateful to my God.