I miss my baby

I remember shortly after I found out the baby didn't have a heartbeat I was reading some blogs of woman who had gone through miscarriage.  They would talk about how it was the baby's due date and how much they still missed that child.  At that time I thought it was strange.  I mean I was obviously upset that this had happened, but I wasn't sure I was going to feel these same feelings.  After all I never really felt the baby move or saw a live picture of my child (other than it being a little bean).   I'm pretty sure reality just hadn't set in then.  As more time has passed and I've allowed myself to grieve and have anger and now I have finally settled in to a calm place.  With this calmness though has brought up a entirely new feeling.  I have been missing our child a lot lately.  It's so weird because like I said I never felt this child nor did we ever meet this child, but it was still ours.  Our baby whose life was cut way too short.  I can't wait till we are in heaven together and can see each other for the first time.  I know he/she is in good hands with God.   

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you"  Isaiah 41:13

Well that sucks

Well I got some bad news today. Looks like I can’t start Clomid until next cycle. Dr said 3 FULL cycles. DANG IT!!!!! This waiting games stinks for a very impatient person. One of God’s lessons for me though. Here’s to hoping it happens on it’s own this months. We need PRAYERS, PRAYERS, PRAYERS. CD 4…….. 10 days to go until Ovulation.

Had to share

So I'm doing some research on the internet to try and come up with a way to raise more awareness for infertility and I stumble across this on WebMD.   So....I thought I would post for all of my TTC friends.  I thought it was great lol.  See,  now there are facts for them to stop telling us this :)  

Myth: Relax, and you'll get pregnant.

Fact: Infertility is a disease of the reproductive system. Although stress can sometimes affect hormone levels and ovulation, emotions are not keeping you from getting pregnant. The stress and intense emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not usually its cause.

So I changed my mind

Well I got a wonderful little visit from an ugly ol' witch today.  I'm pretty disappointed, but at the same time I somewhat have a sense of calmness.  Not sure if I am just really trusting in God right now or what, but I am usually bawling my eyes out on this day.  No tears shed here!  We have also decided that we are not taking a break.  WE CAN DO THIS!!!!!  I will call the doctor tomorrow and get back on Clomid.  The magic pill that got me knocked up the first time.  We both want this child so bad and I am officially willing to do whatever it takes no matter how long it takes.  I say this because I have been a little leery of if Clomid had anything to do with the miscarriage and I just haven't really known how I feel about all the drugs going in to my body or how much I'm willing to pay for all of this.  I mean if it comes to IVF, that's about $15,000 a try, and get this it's not guaranteed.  This just seems a little unfair considering most women get pg for free.  We should get paid for our struggle.  I know that's crazy, but good idea :) I wonder how high my expectations are going to be this month considering this pill worked last time?  I really am going to relax this cycle.  All of this is in God's hands.  If I want to portray my faith to others I need to truly believe in this.   So here I am God.  ALL IN!!!!  After all He has shown me some amazing things through this, and I already see His work being done through me.  If this is why I am facing this struggle, so be it.  I am helping others and that is truly what I am here for.  To serve my God and no one else.  So anyways that's the latest.  I will start my pill on Thursday and go in for an ultrasound (more lovely bills)  on August 4th.  So please keep us in your prayers.  

5 days and counting

So it’s 5 days until test day. I’m really not that excited about it this month. Usually by now I’m making up all kinds of symptoms and thinking for sure I’m pg. I don’t know if it’s the fear of if I am pg having another m/c or just the fact that I’m really just plain tired of it all. With that being said, we have decided to take a break for at least a month if I am not pg. I want my life back. I’m tired of saying “well I can’t commit to that because I may be pg then”, or “I’m scared to run/eat that/ drink that, because I may be pg”. It just all gets really old and can ware on you quick. I have gained 20 lbs which has been extremely depressing to me. I want to feel like I can diet and exercise however I please. I want to wake up in the morning and turn to my husband and say good morning without thinking oh crap, don’t talk, stick the thermometer in your mouth. I want to be surprised when my period shows up because I don’t have a clue what day I ovulated or what cd I am on. I want to be intimate with my husband because I want to, not because I have to. Although I do want to be pg this month, I am not counting on it and I really look forward to a normal life next month. I think it’s really going to be something my husband and I both need.

When did this happen?

I just don’t know the point when I realized that adult life is nothing like you expect it to be when you are little. I always imagined this world of being married with beautiful children running around. I also imagined nothing changing. The same Christmas traditions every year and the same friends being there with you on your wedding day. It seems like I just woke up one day and the world slapped me in the face, saying “I’ll show you reality”. Now my life is consumed with work, bills, struggling for a child, family issues, and having to find out who my true friends are. It just wasn’t how it was suppose to go. Things were suppose to be easier as an adult. Life was supposed to be easy. I mean you have a job therefore you have your own money so you can get whatever you want right? WRONG! Why are we so naive as children? Why do we have to grow up in a world so consumed by materialism that our relationships don’t matter? These are all rambled thoughts, but needed to get them out there.

Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me

My friend said it perfect.  No one ever told us it would be this hard and we would be faced with this many challenges.  No one ever told me that I would lose friendships.  No one ever told me I would have my marriage tested.  No one ever told me I would want to lose faith.  No one ever told me it would hurt this bad.   It's amazing how much you don't know until it actually happens to you.  I want to take this experience and do something good with it.  I want to raise awareness of infertility.  I want to make it easier on someone else.  Problem is I don't know where to start. How do you go about starting something and getting people involved?  I just really feel like God has allowed this to happen in my life so that I can make a difference in someone else's.  I don't want to waste a good opportunity to serve God.   It's time to do some brainstorming.  Anyone want to join?  

How about a TTC lesson

Ok so here is a little update on where I'm at.  Mentally- I am a lot better today than I have been in about a week.  I think I finally got over my little pitty party :)  Plus I am coming up on ovulation which is always a fun time.  But remember we are "not trying"  lol.  So I guess that would be the physical update.  S0 anyways I thought I would educate those of you who do not know the TTC  lingo.  And yes we have our own lingo.  We are a special group!  Now study because there will be a test next time we have a conversation.  

TTC- trying to conceive

O-ovulate

OPK-ovulation predictor kit

HPT-home pregnancy test

BD- baby dance (aka get busy)

DTD-do the deed

DH-dear husband

BFN-big fat negative

BFP-big fat positive

BBT-basal body temp

CM-cervical mucous (wont go in to detail)

DPO-days past ovulation

TWW-two week wait

LP-luteal phase (period of time from ovulation to your next period)

M/C-miscarriage

PG-pregnant

POAS-pee on a stick(lots of money down the drain basically)

And I guess that's all I have for now.  TTYL (I'll let you figure that one out on your own)

How are you?

I get this question a lot these days. Well since I'm being raw here let me just tell you!  I'm really tired of being strong and acting like I'm ok because I'm not.  And I mean this in a sense as in my heart is still breaking in a million pieces everyday.  I just really don't understand why God would let this happen.  (although I still trust in him 100%)  I feel like 18 months of trying for something you want so bad just for it to be taken away from you is so unfair and cruel.  Then it's time for the process all over again.  It almost feels like punishment.  I see pregnant people everyday and women announcing they are pregnant and women having beautiful babies.  It's like a slap in the face saying haha you can't have this.   This weekend I literally just wanted to lock myself up in a room a cry.  I didn't want to be around anyone because this wasn't how the weekend was suppose to be.  I was suppose to go hang out with family and friends and have a belly that people could touch and see if they could feel the baby kicking.  Yet again another reminder when I look down and there is nothing except the 20 lbs I've gained from this process. This has taken the fun out of my life and yes because I have let it.  But I don't have the privilege anymore of being naive to pregnancy or trying to conceive.  The joy of it all has been taken away from me.   Now I have to worry about when to tell people and if I will miscarry again.   It just wont be like the first time.  Next month will be 2 years since we started this process.  2 long years of heartache month after month.  For those of you who haven't had to experience this the only analogy I can give is it's like back when you were in jr high or high school and  you broke up with what you thought was the love of your life and your heart just broke and you cried and cried and cried.  This is the pain I have felt month after month.  I don't want to feel this pain anymore.  I want it to all go away!  I want the tears to stop falling.  I want it to be easy!  But I know that God chose this path for a reason and one day I will know exactly what that is, but for now I'm just going to cry and praise him for the life he has given me.  

I will be a mother someday

Shortly after my miscarriage I had a friend send this to  me.  She to had suffered one and said these words helped her along.  These might be the most powerful words I have read.  It just really hits home to read something that someone else wrote when you feel like no one else has had to endure this.  It just reminds you that you are not alone.  

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown  

Here we go again

I had my D&C (medical procedure to remove fetus) on 4/27/09. The Dr wants us to wait 3 normal cycles before trying again. Well I am now on day 5 of the 2nd cycle. Each usually lasting about 27-28 days. So for those of you brilliant mathmaticians that makes about 22 long grueling days to go. Then two weeks to try and then another two weeks to find out if I am indeed knocked up again. Time goes by pretty slow, so maybe this blog will help. Anyways, so in the meantime we are not really preventing, but given our past history I do not expect this to happen on it's on. I will call my Dr on day 1 of my next cycle and get prescribed Clomid once again. I will take it on day 5-9 and go in on day 10 for an ultrasound for them to see if my little follicles and uterus are looking good. Then I will probably be given a patch of estrogen to wear which makes the lining of my uterus thicker for the egg to implant in. And in the meantime of doing all this I wake up at 6am every morning and stick a thermometer in my mouth to see what my temperature is. This is called charting your cycle because believe it our not you can tell exactly when you will start a cycle, ovulate during a cycle, and then if you are going to start agian or are pregnant. Oh and about days 10-15 i pee on a stick to see if i'm about to ovulate. WHEW this thing is so exhausting, but I have to remind myself that the outcome will outway any of this craziness. So anyway right now I am just waiting :)

New to Blogging

I was inspired to start this blog by a friend who is also going through a similiar situation. I feel like this will be a good place for me to express my feelings of this incredibly trying journey. I'm going to try and be completley 100% honest with what I'm feeling and maybe along the way I can help someone to know that they are not alone when going through this process. Unfortunately infertility and miscarriages affect millions of people. I'm going to ask that for those of you who do decide to follow this that you will not be offended or hurt by the things I may post. Just remember that this is what I am feeling within myself and it doesn't necessarily mean that that is how it really is. For those of you going through this I know you will understand what I mean by that. ENJOY!