Sunday, July 5, 2009

How are you?

I get this question a lot these days. Well since I'm being raw here let me just tell you!  I'm really tired of being strong and acting like I'm ok because I'm not.  And I mean this in a sense as in my heart is still breaking in a million pieces everyday.  I just really don't understand why God would let this happen.  (although I still trust in him 100%)  I feel like 18 months of trying for something you want so bad just for it to be taken away from you is so unfair and cruel.  Then it's time for the process all over again.  It almost feels like punishment.  I see pregnant people everyday and women announcing they are pregnant and women having beautiful babies.  It's like a slap in the face saying haha you can't have this.   This weekend I literally just wanted to lock myself up in a room a cry.  I didn't want to be around anyone because this wasn't how the weekend was suppose to be.  I was suppose to go hang out with family and friends and have a belly that people could touch and see if they could feel the baby kicking.  Yet again another reminder when I look down and there is nothing except the 20 lbs I've gained from this process. This has taken the fun out of my life and yes because I have let it.  But I don't have the privilege anymore of being naive to pregnancy or trying to conceive.  The joy of it all has been taken away from me.   Now I have to worry about when to tell people and if I will miscarry again.   It just wont be like the first time.  Next month will be 2 years since we started this process.  2 long years of heartache month after month.  For those of you who haven't had to experience this the only analogy I can give is it's like back when you were in jr high or high school and  you broke up with what you thought was the love of your life and your heart just broke and you cried and cried and cried.  This is the pain I have felt month after month.  I don't want to feel this pain anymore.  I want it to all go away!  I want the tears to stop falling.  I want it to be easy!  But I know that God chose this path for a reason and one day I will know exactly what that is, but for now I'm just going to cry and praise him for the life he has given me.  

1 comment:

Amber said...

I feel like I should have such wonderful words of wisdom as someone who understands, but I don't. There is nothing I can tell you that will make this better, and even time doesn't dull this pain. But you have to remain hopeful that your sweet little baby is on the way (just very delayed).

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:3