5 days and counting

So it’s 5 days until test day. I’m really not that excited about it this month. Usually by now I’m making up all kinds of symptoms and thinking for sure I’m pg. I don’t know if it’s the fear of if I am pg having another m/c or just the fact that I’m really just plain tired of it all. With that being said, we have decided to take a break for at least a month if I am not pg. I want my life back. I’m tired of saying “well I can’t commit to that because I may be pg then”, or “I’m scared to run/eat that/ drink that, because I may be pg”. It just all gets really old and can ware on you quick. I have gained 20 lbs which has been extremely depressing to me. I want to feel like I can diet and exercise however I please. I want to wake up in the morning and turn to my husband and say good morning without thinking oh crap, don’t talk, stick the thermometer in your mouth. I want to be surprised when my period shows up because I don’t have a clue what day I ovulated or what cd I am on. I want to be intimate with my husband because I want to, not because I have to. Although I do want to be pg this month, I am not counting on it and I really look forward to a normal life next month. I think it’s really going to be something my husband and I both need.