Looking Forward to 2010

I can honestly say this year has probably been one of the worst years of my life. We started out the year hopeful to get pg and we accomplished that in February only to have it taken away from us 12 weeks later. And of course we haven't been able to accomplish another pregnancy since. I have had 4 other friends have miscarriages this year as well. I also started out the year thinking I would be able to apply for better positions within my company. Well we all know the economy is crap which means there are no raises, promotions, or open positions. I am so ready to move on to 2010 where I hope to have a baby, a deeper relationship with Christ, a better career, and an even better marriage. Here's hoping!

Happy New Year

Careful What You Wish For

So in my previous post I said that I pretty much didn't want to have Christmas this year. Well guess what. I got my wish. We got almost 2 ft of snow througout Christmas Eve, with about 5 ft snow drifts. Needless to say we pretty much got stuck at home. The Christmas Eve festivities at my grandpa's house were cancelled for the first time since I've been alive. We finally shoveled our way out mid morning Christmas day and try to head to my parents house. Everywhere we would turn there would be a car stuck. So we just went on to my in laws house. We spent the entire day there because my families festivities were about 40 miles away and we didn't want to chance it. I came home bawling because I was so upset that for the first time in 27 years I didn't get to spend Christmas with my family. My amazing husband surprised me though. He had called my parents, sister, and niece and nephew and asked them if they could come to our house. They showed up about 8:00pm. I was so excited. I love my family. That day made me realize how much I need them. Christmas is so different these days. I miss the days when it was about family (and Jesus of course). The older you get the more things really do change. I will never wish away a Christmas again. I am so blessed in my life and extremely grateful for what I have.


I thought I would include some pictures from the great snow storm of 2009.

Christmas Time

So I've talked enough about infertility. Time for a happier time. I thought I would post some pics of our decorations. There aren't many so this will be quick.
Here is our Christmas Tree.n We are still in the hunt for a perfect topper.



And here are the lights on the outside of the house. It's kind of a crappy picture, but you get the point. Hubby and nephew did such a great job.



I hope everyone has Merry Christmas. And remember this season is about Jesus, not us!

I may have a condition

So for those of you who don't know what it's like to be on this extremely, did I mention EXREMELY emotional journey you may be thinking I'm a bit bi-polar. I realize I go from one extreme to the next. One day I'm confident and the next day I'm hating life. I ensure you though that I am normal and healthy. :) Just had to clear that up haha.

Ok now to the plan for this month. I went to the RE on Thursday. He prescribed me Femara again and started in on you know we want these things to happen fast and really there is only a 20% chance of getting pg every month yada yada yada. So I kindly said well I think after 2 1/2 years I'm not so happy with those statistics. I want more. I told him about how I was on estrogen the month I got pg, so he said he is willing to try something new. So along with the Femara I will be taking a Progesterone Suppository. Yes you read that right. Twice a day at that. Oh and it has to be refrigerated. This is not going to be comfortable. Now does anyone else want to question if I really want kids? He did say I have to take at least 3 rounds of Femara before he will move on. So this is 2. Let's hope it doesn't go farther than that.

Loss for Words

Well I haven't written in a while and it's simply because I don't have much to say. I'm really starting to feel numb these days. Today starts another month of failed attempts at getting pg. So let's see this makes us going on month 29. I guess you can minus 3 months since I was in fact pg at one point, but we see the outcome of that wonderful experience, so I choose not to deduct it. I'm internally struggling with going back to the RE and making him do more, but at the same time I want to accept that there is nothing wrong with us and it's just God's time. I struggle so hard these days to come to terms with that. I have been so patient. Why does He want to put any of His children through this much pain. None of it makes sense to me. I keep saying I'm going back to church, but I just can't find my faith. No matter what I do it's not there. It's gone. I literally feel like everything is crumbling around me. I don't even want to have Christmas this year. This will be our 3rd Christmas since we've been trying for a child. Still unsuccesful. Just another reminder when we wake up Christmas morning and there is only ours and our dogs stockings hanging. Just another reminder when we go watch my niece and nephew open "santa" gifts because we don't have a child of our own. I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't know how to cope.

Better Than Expected

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. A day that I thought would be our childs first holiday with the family. I expected it to be a really tough day, but somehow I managed to block the thought out. It ran across my mind for a brief second and then it was gone. Somehow I have found a place where I can be content with this struggle. It's my choice to either dwell on it and be miserable or just go with the flow and accept it. I chose the later. It's been such a relief to not have my head and heart completely consumed in trying to have a child. I'm back in the gym, I've started tanning, i've forgotten to take my temp a couple of mornings. I can feel the stress taken off. I've actually been able to get a full nights sleep without waking up several times and stressing about forgetting to take my temperature. There is only one thing left that I need to work on. We still haven't been back to church. I wont lie. I am a woman of Christ, but I have still been angry with Him. It's time to let go and let God!!!!!

New Approach

Ok so as you can tell from my last "angry" post I am not doing so well.  With the holidays coming up it's not going to get much easier.  I have come to the conclusion though that my life has to go on.  I can't stop everything like I have for the past two years.  There are trips we want to take, weight I want to lose, clothes I want to buy.  So many things that I haven't done all because "what if I'm pregnant".  I called the RE on cd 1 and never received a call back.  I really didn't care though.  It's time for me accept the fact that 2 Dr's (1 a specialist) have told us we are perfectly fine.  It really is just a matter of time for us.  I don't know if I've ever written this in a blog, but before we started trying I remember praying for patience.  He is trying to answer my prayer and I'm not listening.  It's time to take about 5 steps back.  It's time to put my marriage in front of having a child and not having a child in front of my marriage.  And it's time for a new prayer.  Lord I prayer that your will be done.  

It May Have Hit

I've kept wondering when it's going to be too much to handle.  I honestly think it might have finally happened.  With passing my angel baby's due date and now the first month seeing the RE being a bust I just can't handle it right now.  The pain is so great I can't even explain it.  I've been crying today just out of nowhere.  Life isn't suppose to be like this.  Why does everyone else get to have their families and we don't.  I've been patient.  I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of ALL of it.  I'm tired of hearing people say "are you sure you want children" just after their child throws a fit or "it will happen when it's suppose to" or "you are an amazing person, God will bless you".  Screw it all.  There is nothing I have wanted more in my entire life than to become a mom, and I can't even make that happen.  I really don't want to do this anymore.  

In Memory

So I promised some pictures of our plant. If I'm technology savy enough this will work lol. Ok here is the first picture of what it will look like when it blooms.



And here is the plant after we planted it in the pot.



Now the hard part. Keep it alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All around yesterday was a lot easier than I thought it would be. It is really hard emotionally to think that we should have a child right now, and yet we're still struggling to concieve. I had so many kind words and prayers yesterday from amazing people that kept me going. I really am blessed! Thank you all.

Lyrics

These lyrics hit home today.

THOUGHT YOU'D BE HERE Words & Music by Wes King
We thought you’d be here by now
Your mother and I
We’re praying through our tears that somehow
We might hear your sweet cry
Have we waited too long
It’s getting harder to be strong
Is there something we’ve done wrong
But if you like dancing
I'll make it rain rhythm, and rhyme, and melodies, child
And if you like dreaming
Your mother will make your imagination run wild
Somehow, we thought you’d be here by now
We have a room just for you upstairs
It’s right down the hall
So we’ll be close should you ever get scared
We’ll come when you call
It’s a room full of stories
Waiting to be told
Longing to behold
And if you like laughing
I’ll paint you a circus of smiles and ferris wheels, dear
And if you like living
Your mother will fly you to worlds both far and near
Somehow…
I never knew the silence could make me so deaf
I never knew that I could miss someone I’ve never met
Miss someone I haven’t met yet
We’ll be waiting

Tommorow

Well tomorrow is the day. Surprisingly I’m feeling very at peace with it. It may be a whole different story tomorrow, but for now I’m ok. We went out and bought a plant yesterday. We are going to keep it in a pot for now, then when spring comes we are going to create some sort of a memorial garden in our backyard. Robert made the comment yesterday, “can you believe we would be having a child this week?” It’s gone by so fast. It’s all the more reason for us when we do get pg to slow down and enjoy every minute of it. I still thank God for putting us through this because it has brought us to appreciate each other more and to know even more what a miracle a child is. I can’t wait to be holding our miracle.

I will post pictures tomorrow of our memorial plant.

Random Thoughts

Thought #1 I was in the shower this morning doing my usual random thinking and it dawned on me how ironic this whole process is. We’ve spent so much time not wanting to get pg and trying to prevent it. Now we are spending loads of money and seeing specialists. Seriously we could have not worried about it that whole time because it obviously is not that easy for us to get knocked up.

Thought #2 So I have been getting a lot of emails lately from just different people whom I know, but they are my closest friends. I have completely cherished these emails and appreciate them so so much. Seriously these people don’t know how much their kinds words mean. The point of this thought is that I didn’t even know these people read my blog. I have a simple request. If you follow my blog will you become a follower? You can use a fake name if you would like, but it’s nice for me to see how many people actually read this.

Thought #3 I love Starbucks non fat vanilla lattes, but I really wish they weren’t so dang expensive.

Thought #4 It’s amazing how the people that don’t know you that well are the ones you feel like care most for your situation. Why is that? Shouldn’t it be your family and close friends? (I realize there are some of my family and friends that this thought excludes)

Thought #5 Ok this is more of an update on my cycle. I am now 4 dpo (days past ovulation). Oddly enough I will be testing on my angel baby’s due date. I technically am not suppose to start until November 13th, but I can’t resist. A positive test on that day could take some of the hurt away.

Another Perfect Test

We just got back from our postcoital.  Once again we are perfectly normal.  Dr said he likes to see at least 3-5 sperm swimming in the cervical mucous and he saw about 10.  We got to take a look at the slide and it was pretty amazing to see.  I'm really glad everything turned out ok, but a little bummed that we really are that "perfect" and not conceiving a child. It just really proves that God is not ready.  

Two more weeks and we'll know if this is our lucky month :)  

Can't Shake It

This weekend was a pretty rough weekend emotionally. I had no expectations of being pg, but I was still clinging on to hope. Saturday night I laid in bed crying knowing that I was going to start soon and my fear of not being pg before my due date was going to being staring boldly at me. I just can’t shake that that day is coming up. I should be meeting our child soon. Staring into its eyes for the first time. Feeling a love that you can’t explain. Instead I’m feeling a pain that is greater than anything I’ve ever felt. I feel completely empty. My husband is such a great support, but for some reason I feel like I want to shut him out right now too. I don’t want him to know how much pain I’m in. I want to be strong for him. He knows me better than anyone though so it’s hard to hide it from him. He told me he’s feels the same way. He’s hurting just like I’m hurting. We need to lean on each other. I just want that dreaded day to pass. Maybe I’ll plant something in memory of our child. I’m ready for the day when this pain won’t be so bad. I’m sure it’s coming soon.

As for the update on my infertility, I start taking Femara tomorrow. The postcoital test won’t be done until I get a positive OPK which should be some time around Halloween. I’m really hoping for it to fall on the weekend so I won’t have to wake up at 3am to get busy. Lol. I’m really hoping this is our lucky month. I’m really excited to be seeing the specialist. I really think it’s already made me relax more.

It's Getting Closer

It hit me today that if I’m not pg this month then my due date will pass without me being pg. I really thought I would be by then. After it happened I remember saying I don’t know how I’m going to handle it if I’m not pg by my due date. I’ve been fine over the past couple of months as far as the miscarriage goes, but now I am 27 days away from my due date. I am about to see the people who were pg with me give birth to their babies while I will still have an empty uterus. I’ve been contemplating whether I need to take off that day or not. I’m not sure exactly how hard November 10th is going to be this year, but I’m thinking it’s not going to be very easy. I’m free to suggestions to keep myself busy that day. Oh and prayers!!!!

Got off Track a Little

I found out a friend of mine is pg this week. I won’t lie and say it didn’t sting a little. Not because I’m not happy for her, but just because she was able to do it so easily. To some of you who have never been through this you may not understand, but for those of us who have it’s the hardest thing to explain. When I text her to tell her congratulations we had a little conversation about life and she said some things were going on with her family. I didn’t ask much more because we are suppose to have dinner next week. Well in the meantime I have learned that her dad has been diagnosed with cancer. He was given a year to live. He is going to go to Texas to have a surgery that will add another year on to his life. So two years is what they are giving him. My heart stopped when I heard this. I sat and thought about how I have really turned my back on a lot of my friends just because I think my problem is so much bigger than anything they have going on. They don’t understand my pain so I want to shut them out. I’m so ashamed that I have let myself be this way. My problem is so small compared to what she is going through. Here lately especially the last few months I have forgotten what I need to be thankful for. I have even turned my back on my faith. Something I haven’t shared with anyone. I haven’t been to church in 3 weeks. I have felt like I was being faithful with God and he wasn’t being faithful with me, but he is. I have an amazing husband, amazing friends, and an amazing family. He hasn’t wronged me. I have wronged him. I’m so sorry to everyone I have shut out. I am going to get back on track and remember what I have to be thankful for. God has really blessed me with an amazing life.

RE Appointment #1

I had my appointment with the specialist yesterday. He basically told us that we are a young healthy couple and our tests have come out fine so we didn’t really need to be seeing him. Not what I wanted, but Robert made a good point. At least we know he’s not out for our money. I really liked him though. He was very straight forward and took the time to talk to us. He gave us the option of doing nothing because apparently to him we are normal and since we were pg back in Feb we are technically not considered as an infertility patient. (that one pissed me off) Just because we had a miscarriage doesn’t mean we have a child. Anyway, or we can start Femara next month and he also wants to do a postcoital. Oh this will be fun to explain. Basically we go in around when I’m ovulating. We have intercourse then 4 hours later go in to see him where he will swab my cervix and observe under a microscope whether his sperm are swimming in my mucous. Oh doesn’t this sound lovely. Of course we opted for the Femara. I’m so tired of taking our time on this. I’m ready to move on and be proactive. I think I have about 2 weeks until my next cycle. So that’s two more weeks of relaxation. Then it’s hard core trying!!!!!

Support

I never knew when starting this process that the people I would need the most wouldn't be my closest friends or even my family, but would be a group of women who have or are going through what I am.

The woman on the TTC boards are people I don't know much about nor do they know much about me yet they have known exactly what to say to keep me afloat. They too know the desire to have a child and the feeling month after month when that goal seems out of reach. Thank you ladies for being that support system. You are all amazing and I truly cherish you.

The other day there was a woman ,who has written a book on her struggle with infertility, and I didn't even know she read my blog. Out of nowhere I got an email from her with her sincere words of encouragement and apologies for what I was enduring. If you are reading this I hope you know how much that meant to me that day. God works in the most amazing ways and at the most amazing times.

(BK) I got a card from this person just saying she was thinking about me. I literally cried when I read it because it made me feel so good and grateful to know that I have people pulling for me. We have known each other for a long time, but when we met 12 years ago I never knew God would be using your friendship in this way. I am so thankful for you.

(AS) I want to give a shout out to you for finally acheiving the unthinkable. haha. I love my shout out. Ok now to be serious. When I went to dinner with this person the other night she told me that I was the strongest person she knows. After all she has been through she thinks I'm strong? Thank you for saying those words to me because as we talked the other night there are times when I don't know how I am still pushing through this mess. You give me hope and I have really enjoyed our friendship over the past year. Again you are someone I met 13 years ago and I never imagined that God would use you in my life in this way. Even after all we have been through I wouldn't change it. You are an amazing person and God has finally answered my prayers for you. You deserve this miracle. You're support and friendship have meant the world to me. THANK YOU!!!!

And to my closest friends and family. I know that you all love me and are behind me and Robert. I also know that you don't know exactly what to say sometimes because you have never been in my shoes. I get that, but sometimes a hug is worth a thousand words.

Interesting Results

Well my appointment with Dr. Reshef www.elireshefmd.com has been scheduled for October 5th. I had to get my medical charts from my current OB/GYN and found some interesting information in there that was never passed along to me. During my HSG which was in 09/08 the comments read “there does appear to be spillage from both fallopian tubes. There is definite spillage from the right. There may be some loculations present around distal fallopian tubes or ovaries bilaterally suggesting some scarring or adhesions.” Then I proceed and read my results from my first round of Clomid Day 10 ultrasound. The comments read “There are multiple right and left ovarian cysts. Largest on right measures approximately 2 cm in diameter and largest on the left measures 1.7cm.” UM HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was NEVER told any of this. Here is something I pulled off Dr. Reshef’s website.

What are the causes of infertility?

Approximately 30-40% of infertility is due to male factors; 50% percent is due to female factors; and 10-20% is due to either combined male and female factors or unexplained infertility. In the female, the combination of endometriosis, tubal disease, or adhesions (scarring), collectively known as the "peritoneal factor", is the most common cause. Problems with ovulation is the second most common cause. Cervical mucus abnormality is the third most common cause.

I can’t wait now to go see the specialist. I’m curious to see if he thinks these could be a factor. I mean if it’s scar tissue getting in the way it’s as simple as a laproscopy. I might have to go give my OB/GYN an ear full. I’m waiting to see what Dr. Reshef says about it first lol. It really may be nothing, but still I feel like as a patient I have the right to know these results. Not just be told everything looks fine. Oh well just glad to be going forward.

Time for a Break

My spirits are actually pretty high today. I have decided to take a little break from all the craziness that is TTC. It was so nice to wake up this morning and not worry about sticking a thermometer in my mouth. It's going to be nice going through this month not buying OPK's or HPT's. It's going to be nice to enjoy my husband for the simple purity that he is my husband and not someone I need to make a baby. My mind feels so free already. I just don't want to care this month, and suprisingly I don't.

FYI-After this month I do think it's time to see a specialist. It's been over 2 years now.

Short Story

I started. 

The End  

This is Ridiculous

Well I still don’t know what’s going on. CD 31 and no period or positive pg test. I’ve never had a cycle longer than 29 days. The Clomid is supposed to help things not hinder them. I’m so tired of all this mess. Why is it so easy for some people. It doesn’t help that I should be having a child in 7 weeks. It’s just really not fair. I’m finally at my breaking point. I can’t handle this anymore. At this moment I have lost the desire to conceive a child. It’s consumed my everything. I have to get my life back. If this isn’t God’s will then I’m going to have to find a way to deal with it. I just want to break down right now. Of course I’m at work though so I have to pretend like my life is perfect. Guess I’ll lose it when I get home.

Ahhhh the suspense

So for those of you who may actually read my blog and may be wondering what is going on,  I don't have an answer for you lol.  I am officially late but the stupid pg test wont work the way I want it to haha.  I'll be testing again in the morning!  FX.

Getting Anxious

I should be testing within the next couple of days. Part of me is overcome with excitement and part of me is scared to death. The thought of having to go through another miscarriage scares the crap out of me. I really hope to be able to put my trust in God when that time comes. If you are wondering I’m feeling pretty confident about this month. I just have some “symptoms” that are leading me to believe I am and my chart looks AMAZING!!!! Guess we will know soon. We’re still fumbling around with when we will tell people. We would like to tell our families right away. Then I’m sure I’ll post it on my blog. Those who read it will know. I really don’t want to tell work for a while. Well say a little prayer for us and I’ll be letting ya’ll know soon. Hopefully it’s good news.

Holy Ovaries

I had my ultrasound on Monday. From what I know and what I've asked others I think it's a good report. I had around 4-6 follicles. I only wrote down the sizes of 4. Here they are: 14.47mm, 16.65mm, 16.23mm, 20.96mm. From my understanding they grow at about 2mm every other day and are ready to release around 20 or higher. My uterine lining was a 6.5. I'm not really confident with this number although they say anything above 5 is good. Last time I got put on an estrogen patch to help thicken my lining. Not sure if that is going to happen this time because my stinking Dr won't call me back. Anyways, so I can majorly feel things developing in my ovaries. It's really strange. I'm pretty sure I'm about to release an egg any moment which will be kind of early for me, but I'm not complaining. That means I'll find out sooner if we are pg. Well gotta go get busy....ok that was TMI!

What do you live for?

So when you ask people what they get up and go to work for everyday their answer is usually their kids. So what about those of us who don't have kids? I've been thinking a lot lately about what if I can't ever have kids. What will be the purpose of my life. (aside from God). I've honestly always felt I was meant to be a mom. That is my purpose. I find it harder and harder to have the motivation to get up and go to work everyday. All I work for right now are the "things" we have. And the fertility treatments I guess. I don't need those "things" I want a child. I want a reason to get up every morning and go to work. I need motivation for life right now. I wake up some days and wonder when my life became like this. All I do is go to work miserably tired everyday then come home change in to my pajamas and go to bed. I'm really trying to work on my patience, but I'm so ready to have a change. I want our baby.

Sorry I think my meds are making me a little emotional. I've been having some sad days here lately.

How Much Longer

Well another cycle has passed without a positive result.  There are days where I sit here and wonder how much more of this I can endure.  I think if I didn't have my faith I would have already gone in to a deep depression.  I can't even begin to describe the pain I feel every month when I have to turn to my husband and say "I just started".  To see his face after that is just heartbreaking.  I hate that there are so many well deserving people who have to go through this.  I would not wish this on ANYONE!  I'm starting a support group at church so I really hope this will help myself as well as others coupe with this.  The longer time goes on the harder it is getting to stay excited about being a mom someday.  It's  almost getting to that point where I don't believe it's ever going to happen.  My biggest fear in life is a reality right now.  

I will be starting Clomid tomorrow.  Please keep us in your prayers!  

Two Years Today

Two years ago today I married the man who has truly become my best friend. To Robert, I just want to say how extremely blessed I feel that God has brought you in to my life. I never in a million years really expected to have such a caring and thoughtful husband. I really didn’t think they existed. You have made me a better person and I am so grateful for that. We have been facing many challenges over the past two years and I honestly believe they made our marriage stronger. We have a love that will endure forever. Especially with God on our side. I thank you for your support throughout the years. I couldn’t ask for a better husband! I love you.

Today also marks the two year anniversary of when we decided to start TTC. I sometimes wish I could go back to that point when I was naïve as to how long this could take. I don’t think Robert or I thought we would ever have to endure this much pain together. I still to this day praise God though for what he has put us through. I feel very blessed that he chose us. It would be a wonderful gift for us to get our miracle this month. Our due date would also be May 2nd. Which in turn I could chose to deliver on 4/27. The one year anniversary of when our angel went to heaven. What a blessing that would be. I want to say thanks to all my family and friends who have been there for us too. We truly have some amazing people in our lives.

And waiting again

As of today I am currently 4 dpo. Which means 8 days to go before I can test (if I hold out that long). I've actually noticed myself this cycle not being so "in tuned". It hasn't helped that I"ve been sick for over a week now, which by the way gave me some wonderful fertile cervical mucous due to the medicine I was taking. For those of you who don't know, some cold medicines have guaifenesin in it. Which actually creates you to have more cervical fluid. In my case it gave me an ABUNDANCE. This was probably the only happy part of TTC this month. Being sick and having to bd do not go together very well at all. So anyways back to the not staying "in tuned". First was going to the dr. They always ask you when your last menstrual cycle was. I actually had to look it up. I ALWAYS know when it is just because in this process you kinda have to. Then I was looking in to my MBA and had to see when my due date would be if i was pg. I ALWAYS know this too. Just becuase it's fun to know :). It's been nice to not keep up so much, but of course now that I'm in the wait I'll probably get a little more anxious the closer it gets. The time is going to fly by though. If no such luck, it's on to Clomid (for real this time).

Feeling stuck

My entire life I've felt like I'm in control of my career and future.  For those of you who don't know I work for the oil and gas industry and it's not doing so hot right now.  I came in to this position thinking that I would have endless possibilities and it just hasn't quite turned out that way.  I've been feeling so lost lately about where to go with my life.  I've always wanted to start my own business, it's just a matter of what?   And of course right now just isn't the best time.  I think I've decided to go and get my Masters Degree.  It's one thing I can control right now while everything in my life is at a stand still.  But once again the topic of TTC comes up.  I'm so  scared to start it now because if I do become pregnant soon I'll only be able to finish a few classes before I have to quit to have the baby.  I think I'm going to just dive in and go for it though because who knows I might be writing here in 2 years saying I've finished my degree and still no baby.  I definitely think my husband and I have the drive to start our own business someday though and we have an idea of what it will be, but that's a long process.  I'm really trying lately to just take one day at time.  That's bound to lead me somewhere :)

I miss my baby

I remember shortly after I found out the baby didn't have a heartbeat I was reading some blogs of woman who had gone through miscarriage.  They would talk about how it was the baby's due date and how much they still missed that child.  At that time I thought it was strange.  I mean I was obviously upset that this had happened, but I wasn't sure I was going to feel these same feelings.  After all I never really felt the baby move or saw a live picture of my child (other than it being a little bean).   I'm pretty sure reality just hadn't set in then.  As more time has passed and I've allowed myself to grieve and have anger and now I have finally settled in to a calm place.  With this calmness though has brought up a entirely new feeling.  I have been missing our child a lot lately.  It's so weird because like I said I never felt this child nor did we ever meet this child, but it was still ours.  Our baby whose life was cut way too short.  I can't wait till we are in heaven together and can see each other for the first time.  I know he/she is in good hands with God.   

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you"  Isaiah 41:13

Well that sucks

Well I got some bad news today. Looks like I can’t start Clomid until next cycle. Dr said 3 FULL cycles. DANG IT!!!!! This waiting games stinks for a very impatient person. One of God’s lessons for me though. Here’s to hoping it happens on it’s own this months. We need PRAYERS, PRAYERS, PRAYERS. CD 4…….. 10 days to go until Ovulation.

Had to share

So I'm doing some research on the internet to try and come up with a way to raise more awareness for infertility and I stumble across this on WebMD.   So....I thought I would post for all of my TTC friends.  I thought it was great lol.  See,  now there are facts for them to stop telling us this :)  

Myth: Relax, and you'll get pregnant.

Fact: Infertility is a disease of the reproductive system. Although stress can sometimes affect hormone levels and ovulation, emotions are not keeping you from getting pregnant. The stress and intense emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not usually its cause.

So I changed my mind

Well I got a wonderful little visit from an ugly ol' witch today.  I'm pretty disappointed, but at the same time I somewhat have a sense of calmness.  Not sure if I am just really trusting in God right now or what, but I am usually bawling my eyes out on this day.  No tears shed here!  We have also decided that we are not taking a break.  WE CAN DO THIS!!!!!  I will call the doctor tomorrow and get back on Clomid.  The magic pill that got me knocked up the first time.  We both want this child so bad and I am officially willing to do whatever it takes no matter how long it takes.  I say this because I have been a little leery of if Clomid had anything to do with the miscarriage and I just haven't really known how I feel about all the drugs going in to my body or how much I'm willing to pay for all of this.  I mean if it comes to IVF, that's about $15,000 a try, and get this it's not guaranteed.  This just seems a little unfair considering most women get pg for free.  We should get paid for our struggle.  I know that's crazy, but good idea :) I wonder how high my expectations are going to be this month considering this pill worked last time?  I really am going to relax this cycle.  All of this is in God's hands.  If I want to portray my faith to others I need to truly believe in this.   So here I am God.  ALL IN!!!!  After all He has shown me some amazing things through this, and I already see His work being done through me.  If this is why I am facing this struggle, so be it.  I am helping others and that is truly what I am here for.  To serve my God and no one else.  So anyways that's the latest.  I will start my pill on Thursday and go in for an ultrasound (more lovely bills)  on August 4th.  So please keep us in your prayers.  

5 days and counting

So it’s 5 days until test day. I’m really not that excited about it this month. Usually by now I’m making up all kinds of symptoms and thinking for sure I’m pg. I don’t know if it’s the fear of if I am pg having another m/c or just the fact that I’m really just plain tired of it all. With that being said, we have decided to take a break for at least a month if I am not pg. I want my life back. I’m tired of saying “well I can’t commit to that because I may be pg then”, or “I’m scared to run/eat that/ drink that, because I may be pg”. It just all gets really old and can ware on you quick. I have gained 20 lbs which has been extremely depressing to me. I want to feel like I can diet and exercise however I please. I want to wake up in the morning and turn to my husband and say good morning without thinking oh crap, don’t talk, stick the thermometer in your mouth. I want to be surprised when my period shows up because I don’t have a clue what day I ovulated or what cd I am on. I want to be intimate with my husband because I want to, not because I have to. Although I do want to be pg this month, I am not counting on it and I really look forward to a normal life next month. I think it’s really going to be something my husband and I both need.

When did this happen?

I just don’t know the point when I realized that adult life is nothing like you expect it to be when you are little. I always imagined this world of being married with beautiful children running around. I also imagined nothing changing. The same Christmas traditions every year and the same friends being there with you on your wedding day. It seems like I just woke up one day and the world slapped me in the face, saying “I’ll show you reality”. Now my life is consumed with work, bills, struggling for a child, family issues, and having to find out who my true friends are. It just wasn’t how it was suppose to go. Things were suppose to be easier as an adult. Life was supposed to be easy. I mean you have a job therefore you have your own money so you can get whatever you want right? WRONG! Why are we so naive as children? Why do we have to grow up in a world so consumed by materialism that our relationships don’t matter? These are all rambled thoughts, but needed to get them out there.

Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me

My friend said it perfect.  No one ever told us it would be this hard and we would be faced with this many challenges.  No one ever told me that I would lose friendships.  No one ever told me I would have my marriage tested.  No one ever told me I would want to lose faith.  No one ever told me it would hurt this bad.   It's amazing how much you don't know until it actually happens to you.  I want to take this experience and do something good with it.  I want to raise awareness of infertility.  I want to make it easier on someone else.  Problem is I don't know where to start. How do you go about starting something and getting people involved?  I just really feel like God has allowed this to happen in my life so that I can make a difference in someone else's.  I don't want to waste a good opportunity to serve God.   It's time to do some brainstorming.  Anyone want to join?  

How about a TTC lesson

Ok so here is a little update on where I'm at.  Mentally- I am a lot better today than I have been in about a week.  I think I finally got over my little pitty party :)  Plus I am coming up on ovulation which is always a fun time.  But remember we are "not trying"  lol.  So I guess that would be the physical update.  S0 anyways I thought I would educate those of you who do not know the TTC  lingo.  And yes we have our own lingo.  We are a special group!  Now study because there will be a test next time we have a conversation.  

TTC- trying to conceive

O-ovulate

OPK-ovulation predictor kit

HPT-home pregnancy test

BD- baby dance (aka get busy)

DTD-do the deed

DH-dear husband

BFN-big fat negative

BFP-big fat positive

BBT-basal body temp

CM-cervical mucous (wont go in to detail)

DPO-days past ovulation

TWW-two week wait

LP-luteal phase (period of time from ovulation to your next period)

M/C-miscarriage

PG-pregnant

POAS-pee on a stick(lots of money down the drain basically)

And I guess that's all I have for now.  TTYL (I'll let you figure that one out on your own)

How are you?

I get this question a lot these days. Well since I'm being raw here let me just tell you!  I'm really tired of being strong and acting like I'm ok because I'm not.  And I mean this in a sense as in my heart is still breaking in a million pieces everyday.  I just really don't understand why God would let this happen.  (although I still trust in him 100%)  I feel like 18 months of trying for something you want so bad just for it to be taken away from you is so unfair and cruel.  Then it's time for the process all over again.  It almost feels like punishment.  I see pregnant people everyday and women announcing they are pregnant and women having beautiful babies.  It's like a slap in the face saying haha you can't have this.   This weekend I literally just wanted to lock myself up in a room a cry.  I didn't want to be around anyone because this wasn't how the weekend was suppose to be.  I was suppose to go hang out with family and friends and have a belly that people could touch and see if they could feel the baby kicking.  Yet again another reminder when I look down and there is nothing except the 20 lbs I've gained from this process. This has taken the fun out of my life and yes because I have let it.  But I don't have the privilege anymore of being naive to pregnancy or trying to conceive.  The joy of it all has been taken away from me.   Now I have to worry about when to tell people and if I will miscarry again.   It just wont be like the first time.  Next month will be 2 years since we started this process.  2 long years of heartache month after month.  For those of you who haven't had to experience this the only analogy I can give is it's like back when you were in jr high or high school and  you broke up with what you thought was the love of your life and your heart just broke and you cried and cried and cried.  This is the pain I have felt month after month.  I don't want to feel this pain anymore.  I want it to all go away!  I want the tears to stop falling.  I want it to be easy!  But I know that God chose this path for a reason and one day I will know exactly what that is, but for now I'm just going to cry and praise him for the life he has given me.  

I will be a mother someday

Shortly after my miscarriage I had a friend send this to  me.  She to had suffered one and said these words helped her along.  These might be the most powerful words I have read.  It just really hits home to read something that someone else wrote when you feel like no one else has had to endure this.  It just reminds you that you are not alone.  

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown  

Here we go again

I had my D&C (medical procedure to remove fetus) on 4/27/09. The Dr wants us to wait 3 normal cycles before trying again. Well I am now on day 5 of the 2nd cycle. Each usually lasting about 27-28 days. So for those of you brilliant mathmaticians that makes about 22 long grueling days to go. Then two weeks to try and then another two weeks to find out if I am indeed knocked up again. Time goes by pretty slow, so maybe this blog will help. Anyways, so in the meantime we are not really preventing, but given our past history I do not expect this to happen on it's on. I will call my Dr on day 1 of my next cycle and get prescribed Clomid once again. I will take it on day 5-9 and go in on day 10 for an ultrasound for them to see if my little follicles and uterus are looking good. Then I will probably be given a patch of estrogen to wear which makes the lining of my uterus thicker for the egg to implant in. And in the meantime of doing all this I wake up at 6am every morning and stick a thermometer in my mouth to see what my temperature is. This is called charting your cycle because believe it our not you can tell exactly when you will start a cycle, ovulate during a cycle, and then if you are going to start agian or are pregnant. Oh and about days 10-15 i pee on a stick to see if i'm about to ovulate. WHEW this thing is so exhausting, but I have to remind myself that the outcome will outway any of this craziness. So anyway right now I am just waiting :)

New to Blogging

I was inspired to start this blog by a friend who is also going through a similiar situation. I feel like this will be a good place for me to express my feelings of this incredibly trying journey. I'm going to try and be completley 100% honest with what I'm feeling and maybe along the way I can help someone to know that they are not alone when going through this process. Unfortunately infertility and miscarriages affect millions of people. I'm going to ask that for those of you who do decide to follow this that you will not be offended or hurt by the things I may post. Just remember that this is what I am feeling within myself and it doesn't necessarily mean that that is how it really is. For those of you going through this I know you will understand what I mean by that. ENJOY!